I'd be really rude to point this out, wouldn't I?

[Ivegotyourgoat]

Every time I go to mil and fil house for dinner, mil cooks a lovely meal. Fil sits on his arse while she cooks, then eats the meal.

After everyones eaten, so that could be my dh, sil and her dh, mil and fil, fils brother and his dw, the women go in to clear up and make hot drinks while the men sit on their arses some more. Fil and his brother usually fall asleep and let their drinks go cold, sils husband plays on his ipad. The women all clear up and wash and dry up. My dh sits on his arse too, although we do have a baby to look after and he does look after the baby.

I feel that I should chip in with the clearing up, but as I'm doing it I get really angry that the men are all sleeping and sitting down. I don't want to clean their plates while they lounge around.

In our house we clear up together.

Dh says his mum likes clearing up and that I shouldn't help because she doesn't mind.

What's the polite thing to do here?

My ex MIL actually did/does like clearing up.

She liked nothing better than to cook and clean for the whole family, and used to get visibly anxious if anyone insisted on helping her.

Sunday lunch or Christmas dinner saw her in her absolute element. She actually had a positive, happy glow about her, the more work she did for other people

It's not something any of us could get our heads around, but there you go.

I know really it wouldn't be right to comment as it's not my house, but I'm never quite sure what to do. I could take the baby, I feel the right thing to do would be to help clear up at least a little.

Going by a lot of things I think as a family they very clearly think cooking and cleaning is women's work. For example fil will go out for the day doing his hobbies to get out of the way while wife cleans.

It is semi lighthearted as they're generally lovely people.

I just feel as though I'm in a slightly awkward position. There are times when it's pub and then back to eat, it's quite clear that the women all go back to prepare the food while the men drink in the pub, and I'm invited to go with the women.

When dh does help, or makes them drinks when they visit us, or even just looking after the baby, he gets lots of praise for how good he is.

I bet they think I'm a terrible wife (!)

Sorry for derailing slightly. I don't think you can change the habits of a whole generation but you can change your reaction! Sit yourself down and play with your baby! If your DH can't help his own mum out, it's no more your job. Out of curiosity, what happens at your parents house?

I would point it out, but I'm not known for my tact.

This exact thing has happened today. I cooked dinner, my FIL took DH to the pub before like usual. Except I'd got wise to this, and timed everything so I could also go to pub . Then back to ours where FIL and step FIL sit on their arses whilst MIL and step MIL entertain dd. Fortunately, my DH has a mind of his own and helped me to prepare, and helped MIL to clean up. Whilst of course, FIL and step FIL sit on their arses some more .

DH's parents are like this. Fair enough for that generation if the agreement was that one person went to work and earned the money and the other was responsible for all the house stuff. But it doesn't work today, does it, and also assumed that women took on the home role and had no say in the matter. Plus a lot of these older couples have found that retirement has made it a sore point. Men continue to assume they don't need to lift a finger in the house, even though they are no longer going out to work and so not bringing any useful contribution to the household except a bit of a pension. And the women carry on as they always have, only feel resentful because there is no actual reason why the man can no longer do a 50% share of household duties. It stinks, OP, I agree.

But I'm with others. Unless an eyebrow is raised at YOU specifically not doing something purely because you are female, there is not much you can say.

I remember the first time I went to my Inlaws on Xmas day. We went visiting in the morning before going on to my parents for lunch. Well, his other brothers and their girlfriends arrived and then the men all got their coats on and said they were going the pub! The other younger women and I raised eyebrows with each other but politely said nothing and got on with doing "women's stuff" like sorting presents out and MIL doing the dinner, and coming in to chat to us now and again. Apparently it was tradition in their house that the men went the pub on Xmas morning to get out from under the women's feet while they prepared the dinner. They also did all the clearing up, and gave FIL a big round of applause for making a coffee. was the last year we let that happen. The next year the younger women got their coats on and went down the pub too for an hour. And when babies came on the scene, the whole going to the pub thing came to a halt when we reminded the men that Christmas morning was a family occasion and the children still needed to be looked after, and maybe next year they could stay at home and mind the kids and start the dinner while the women all went to the pub. Funnily enough they didn't like that idea.

So infuriating, isn't it?

I mean this in the nicest possible way OP but I think you'll feel more relaxed if you stop judging them, and just accept them for the way they choose to live - which is different to the way you and your DH choose to live.

Then either help out or relax with the others. It's entirely up to you.

You and your DH could of course take it in turns, so he helps out one week and you do it the next.

Alpaca my dad is also prehistoric. Although watching my mum being a skivvy and being called to make him a drink, I swore I'd never, ever live like that.

In more recent years my dad has become better in some ways, but a lot of that has come from me pointing things out.

For example he once ate an out of date pasty out of the fridge then blamed my mum, as it was her job to clear the fridge. He then blamed her that he couldn't find his glasses to check the date.

I had a huge discussion with him about how childish it was and he actually realised how terrible he was behaving.

If I were you, I'd opt out and say "well clearly everyone isn't helping out". Or send DH to do it. What does he say about this?

I am not going to tell people what to do in their own homes but no way am I being the victim of their misogyny.

I don't think the OP has a right to 'send' her DH anywhere. He's not a child.

But it would be nice if he decided to get up and lend a hand.

I know my DH just couldn't sit around while other people fetched and tidied for him and nor could I.

I'm sure we have married into the same family Goat! My MiL would run around after the menfolk who are sat on their backsides with their noses in the sports pages and would only look up when a goal was scored on the TV. They'd only grunt when she was clucking round them offering tea and sandwiches or whatever. It really got my goat too! It wasn't so much that she expected me to help her but I did because I thought it was awful but we had a few situations too where I was expected to leave the pub to go home with her to do the dinner. No way! My FiL can't do anything around the house as he's never had to and that's become a problem now they are older and they've been poorly. I said to my DH we will not be like that and I expect us to share chores in our house and at theirs when we visit. He sees it now his mother is less able to do it.

My mum was a housewife and dad went out to work, very traditional. My dad did however do the big jobs like cleaning the cooker, the pram wheels, our shoes etc. Mum was a stickler for a lovely home so dad was also always decorating and doing something that equalled it out.

What Im probably trying to say is, there may be more to this and if your MIL is happy with the situation and thinks that he does other things that balance it out whats the worry?

If however he's a lazy "Im the king of the castle" bastard then drag MIL down the pub

I would never ever have called my upbringing progressive but Sunday lunch women/girls cooked, men/boys cleared up, almost seems like equality now.

I'm probably more worried what they'll think of me if I don't help iyswim?

It's exactly the same for me, but at all the In-Law's houses, not just FIL and MIL's house. 😕 What happens when your BIL or SIL host?

At our house DH helps out a bit - gets drinks for everyone, and helps to set out the food. I always feel that I'm being judged as lazy for getting this help from him. It will be a bit difficult for you with having a baby, but maybe lead by example when you host?

I'm probably more worried what they'll think of me if I don't help iyswim?

Then I think you should alternate the helping with your DH.

That's fair I think, otherwise if neither of you helped, it would look like you're both taking the piss a bit.

Plus by alternating, you're showing them the reason why you won't always be helping - because you have a DH who needs to take his turn too.

It's not your house and it's up to them.

Op I have the exact same situation.
Yesterday I also sat there but felt bad for mil and went and dried the dishes.

I will read this for advice as well.

I just think, why are you thinking of rocking the boat. Just enjoy the family day with them doing it the way they do it. If you want to sit there, then sit there and kick dh's arse .

Just do it differently at your house when you're hosting.

My sister has a FIL who believes that a woman is less than a man and she should clean, cook, breed and be silent when a man is talking. He's like a bloody mastodont. My sister is rather the opposite of what his idea of a good wife is (so am I for that matter but I was fortunate to have only met him 3 times in my life). Funny enough, his wife is really hands on, a great organizer and learned to manipulate him to do what she wants while believing it was what he wanted all the time.

I would it discuss with my husband at home and most likely plan for the next time. Ideally I would want him to do the cleaning up or we take turns doing it. Otherwise when your baby is older she will be on Mumsnet writing the same thing you have.

I've returned to the thread, because I have the solution!

You fit in with their idea of gender roles while you are there. But in your accounts this work goes down as a contribution by you to your marriage. When you get back home, you put your feet up until your DH's contribution catches up with yours.

It's not you that shouldn't be helping. It's your sh that should be getting off his fat arse and setting an example to the other dinosaurs males in the family.

What Haffdonga?