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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'd be really rude to point this out, wouldn't I?

141 replies

Ivegotyourgoat · 27/03/2016 18:01

Every time I go to mil and fil house for dinner, mil cooks a lovely meal. Fil sits on his arse while she cooks, then eats the meal.

After everyones eaten, so that could be my dh, sil and her dh, mil and fil, fils brother and his dw, the women go in to clear up and make hot drinks while the men sit on their arses some more. Fil and his brother usually fall asleep and let their drinks go cold, sils husband plays on his ipad. The women all clear up and wash and dry up. My dh sits on his arse too, although we do have a baby to look after and he does look after the baby.

I feel that I should chip in with the clearing up, but as I'm doing it I get really angry that the men are all sleeping and sitting down. I don't want to clean their plates while they lounge around.

In our house we clear up together.

Dh says his mum likes clearing up and that I shouldn't help because she doesn't mind.

What's the polite thing to do here?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2016 20:31

I do like the idea, unfortunately dh has decided that his mum enjoys cleaning up after everyone. He's of the opinion that I should just sit down with him.

OK so he's just as bad as the other men.

Either help or don't help. The choice is yours.

It's very nice of your MIL to cook a lovely dinner for you. If this is such a big issue for you, perhaps you should stay home and relax while your DH takes the baby with him?

ayesar · 27/03/2016 20:31

It might be a cultural thing, but in my culture there is no way the women would be sitting down and not helping. I would ask my mil if she needed help and help her in any way I could. I would do the same for my mom. I personally think it's rude not to help. BUT, I would also tell my husband that he should help out too, so either you take the baby and he helps his mom or vice versa. The mil is nice that she doesn't ask for help. In my culture it would be the talk of the family if a dil didn't help her mil in the kitchen lol.

CalicoBlue · 27/03/2016 20:33

I would probably say something.

A few years ago visiting my ex PILs, in the morning in the kitchen, FIL was shouting for MIL. He was ready to go to work, and by the way he was shouting I thought she was going out with him. She came rushing into the kitchen, opened the fridge, took out a yoghurt, opened it and handed it to him with a spoon. He was shouting for her to come and give him breakfast! I did tell him that I thought it rather pathetic that a grown man could not take a yoghurt out of the fridge and open it. He ignored me.

Their son was a chef and better around the house than I was.

Original poster

Ivegotyourgoat · 27/03/2016 20:34

Vintage45 I did know, but I wasn't always invited over as much before we were married, so he'd go and eat himself after work and I might visit my own family. Now we're married and with the baby I guess they expect to see us all now.

I'm not too bothered what other people do, it makes my teeth itch when I'm kind of expected to chip in, because I'm a woman, while the men laze around. I feel as though if I don't help mil and sil will see me as rude.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2016 20:34

Yes, sexism is still alive and well in many cultures.

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2016 20:36

You're going around in circles now OP.

You hate the expectation that as you're female you should help out, and if you don't help out you hate that your MIL will see you as rude.

You're going to have to choose one or the other and suck it up if your DH is too lazy to alternate with you.

Or you're going to have to stop eating the lovely meals your MIL cooks for you.

Arborea · 27/03/2016 20:37

Wow Ivegotyourgoat I have immense sympathy for you.

Perhaps it's because it's so like my parents, but I really focused on the other males (ie not just FIL but his brother and the SIL's hubby) kicking back and being waited on. I get those posters who say that it's up to the couple to divide their respective tasks, but I can't help but seethe when the younger generation do it. My brother does the whole 'turn up when I feel like it, have to be pestered to sit at the table (while the women have to try to keep the food warm), sit on my arse and let the females wait on me' thing. It's rude and controlling behaviour, but just mirrors how my father behaves. I really can't face doing it more than once a year and then get grief that we don't go more often

Sadly there just isn't a polite way of putting your point across OP, although if you grew a really thick skin you could probably rib the menfolk about their primeval habits!

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 20:38

On the one hand you said you were "worried" about what they thought of you then you say things make your teeth itch.

Your MIL's house is hers to do what she does in. Does she sit by the drainer crying? Does she tell you that FIL makes her life a misery?

Do what you do in your home and go along with others in theirs.

GrumpyOldBag · 27/03/2016 20:39

OP, I really think you need to challenge this behaviour - by example not directly.

Get your dh to chip in while you look after the baby.

Ask the other men to chip in and bring their plates through. Gove them a job to do, e.g. "FIL could you give the table a wipe please".

Hopefully the message will get through eventually. The important thing is to set a positive example for your dc. Otherwise these sexist stereotypes will be perpetuated.

And if your MIL doesn't like it, call her on it. It's 2016 and you want your dc to have some positive role models in life.

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 20:39

Traditional isn't terrible. There is a certain comfort in it. People like roles.

EveryoneElsie · 27/03/2016 20:40

Go, join in with the women, keep any sarky comments in your own mind, but you dont have to tolerate that kind of behaviour in your own home.

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 20:40

Change your future and learn from your past OP.

carolinemoon · 27/03/2016 20:41

It's like that at my PILs. FIL is disabled, and genuinely can't help clear up. That doesn't explain why my SILs (who each work just as hard as their husbands) are content to cook, clean and do everything while their DHs and sons (some now adults) sit around doing nothing. Drives me up the wall. I don't want to be rude and not help, but I also don't want to join in. DH will help out, but like other sons seems to sometimes revert to "home" mode.

No advice OP, but I feel your pain.

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2016 20:42

Grumpy her DH doesn't want to chip in.

As for asking the other men to bring their plates through etc, now that would be rude in someone else's house.

And if your MIL doesn't like it, call her on it. It's 2016 and you want your dc to have some positive role models in life.

And as for that ^^ hopefully the MIL would tell her to fuck off back to her own house and cook her own bloody dinner in future.

Original poster

Ivegotyourgoat · 27/03/2016 20:43

Lweji he can't explain, he just doesn't care. Yes he is as bad as the other men, although at home he doesn't do it. He'd probably like to but he knows I'd down tools too if he did.

It's a bit of a no win situation I think. I can't really challenge dh in front of his family, I certainly can't challenge fil in his own house, if I take my seat I'll be the lazy dil.

It is lovely of mil to cook for everyone so the right thing to do is to offer a hand and quietly seethe thank her.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2016 20:43

But I'm sure the OP wouldn't be so rude and bossy as to do what Grumpy suggested anyway.

Original poster

Ivegotyourgoat · 27/03/2016 20:48

Worraliberty honestly, if I had my way I wouldn't go to eat regularly. I certainly don't ask, I'm expected to go.

OP posts:

GrumpyOldBag · 27/03/2016 20:48

Well maybe I am naive. This doesn't happen in my house. My Dad, 80, pulls his weight around the house - shopping, cooking and clearing up.

Everyone is expected to chip in. And it's the same at the in-laws too.

They set a good example to their children and we pass that on to our own dc.

And I would challenge anyone who doesn't think this is fair and right. It's just bad manners. And the OP doesn't want them to be perpetuated in her family.

GrumpyOldBag · 27/03/2016 20:49

It's not rude and bossy to remind people what good manners are.

It's pathetic to let it go by unchallenged.

fiverabbits · 27/03/2016 20:51

On a Saturday my MIL used to cook a meal for her DH, 2DD's, DIL,DS,7GC and herself. I used to go there after the meal ended and I would be the only person to help her with the washing up etc even though I hadn't eaten the meal. Later on when we moved away and the PIL'S used to stay for a week she always insisted that she did the washing up whilst I sat down as I had cooked the meal. When my SIL came to stay she didn't even take her cup to the kitchen.

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 20:52

Another one that doesn't state what she wants immediately, then has kids, gets stuck with a neanderthal and cries about it. DID you not see what he was like? Until women stop moaning after the occasion I sure as hell don't know what to say to you other than mug.

Harsh but true.

greenbloom · 27/03/2016 20:54

My fil does all the big cooking - Sunday dinners etc - he's really good at it. Mil does the rest and we all clear up. Seems to work ok.

Original poster

Ivegotyourgoat · 27/03/2016 20:57

Vintage from my point of view dh does his share around our house. He's not Mr Muscle but he doesn't sit around. He just reverts to type at his mothers.

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 20:57

Every single older woman I have spoken to who is still with their spouse after 50 years says how kind he is. How he looks after her. It's whether you find a kind person or not. Its very simple.

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 21:00

You have to keep the momentum then.. you have to keep the fairness going, its not easy. he's a product of his parents. you went into this knowing what it was. I have a certain sympathy with you but not so much.

Live with it or get out.

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