to really not understand these birthday parties [trigger warning - stillbirth and bereavement]

[abunchofnc]

NC for this.

Someone I worked with some years ago had a stillbirth. She left her job but I'm still linked to her FB page. I barely know her but it seemed to me to be one of the most horrific experiences a woman could endure. My repeat miscarriages felt 'trivial' in comparison to her experience.

She has since gone on to have healthy DCs, as have I.

The thing is, every year since then they celebrate Baby A's birthday. (I'm not sure celebrate is the word though).

By this I mean a proper birthday cake, candles, birthday cards. And it's all on Facebook - lots of photos of them (including very young DCs who never knew their brother) gloomily staring at lit candles. Picture after picture. It really looks staged and very very surreal. Loads of 'happy birthday baby a' in the comments which I can't bring myself to add to.

I totally understand never forgetting, always remembering, marking moments etc, but I feel very odd seeing these pics. I feel like a heartless bitch even saying this, but it just feels odd somehow.

I don't even know what it is that I have an issue with: the very public FB posts? The incongruity of miserableness over lit birthday cake candles? I also can't imagine how my own 3 year old could ever process this if she was asked to participate like this other persons DCs do.

I know IABU. Her life, her way. Of course. I would never comment negatively if I saw her again. None of my business. But I can't get it out my head and clearly am not understanding something despite thinking about it a lot. I'm prepared to be flamed for this. Interested to know what others think.

I think it's a fine except for the FB stuff.

I find stuff like this so personal to me and my immediate family. I could never share on the Internet.

As I understand OP's post, she is not saying her friend is 'odd', rather that she feels strange in some way when she sees the commemoration take place, and she is trying to work out why - I don't think she's being insensitive or saying they shouldn't do what they do, more that she can't work out where her feelings come from. I think that the "odd" feeling is because actually we DO have a cultural template for grief in our culture - it's just not a very therapeutic one for most people; I think our cultural template for grief goes: quickly and quietly mark the loss/immediately move on/don't dwell. Perhaps this has worked for many people - but I think many more people are left unsolaced by this "don't dwell on it" mentality, and they try to weave their own rituals for remembering. People grieving have to make it up as they go along if they want anything other than the move on/forget model. So I think what OP has noticed is how jarring it is to see loss commemorated in a 'new' way. And that is not to say jarring = bad, just that it stands out.

I agree. I think it would very strange for the other children. Including cakes etc?? Too much to be sharing on FB and too much to be sharing with younger children imo. I don't think it should be behind closed doors entirely, of course not, but that sounds unhealthy tbh.

Some people don't have real life support and rely on the internet for some sort of human contact. It might be all they feel they can cope with because it's too painful to speak face to face about it. We have no way of knowing and it doesn't matter anyway- it might not be my way, but it is theirs and this is their choice.
I'm trying not to be judgemental about people judging how other people mourn.

You don't have to understand it at all. Just thank your lucky stars that you are not in the position where you have to think about what you would or wouldn't do.

Last year for DDs first birthday we went out for a meal and I bought her DBs a small gift each. I couldn't afford to have the nice cake I wanted also. We will most likely do this yearly, to remember that sweet baby that was part of our lives for a short time, reflect on what we have lost, and be grateful for what we have left.

I'm sure my cousin who lost her teenage DS last night will also find a way to commemorate his birthday each year with his siblings.

My DD was stillborn at 33 weeks. For the benefit of clarity, a stillbirth occurs after 24 weeks of pregnancy.
We had started preparing our oldest for the arrival of a new sibling. She was going to turn 3 before my due date.
And then mummy was in hospital one day and there was no baby. Which we had to explain.
So now we celebrate her birthday every year. We try to have a fun day not sit glumly. She's my DD. She's their sister.
When I'm dead, I'd like them to remember her.

I have a friend that does post on FB on her still born sons birthday. Not as much as you have said but they have balloons etc and post pictures of them.

But she is very much a FB person, posts lots of things for her other DCs birthdays and events and feels that if she didn't do it for his she would feel like she was treating him as 'less' than them. He is a part of their family.

There is no right or wrong with grief, everyone is different.

A friend of mine had a still birth at full term. I feel sorry for her as her husband and his family refuse to acknowledge it at all. They think she should just get over it and forget about it. Her family lives far away. Every year around the time of her birth she just sinks into a kind of depression. I think if her family acknowledged her daughter in some way. I think if they accepted her grief as being valid it would be a good thing for her.

Yes Night my mother has her ritual on dd's birthday. She held her and DD was cremated in a cardy that her Nanny had made for her. MIL sends a thoughtful card each year. These things help. FIL never mentioned the loss, never acknowledged it, never said her name or saw a photo. That was awful.

Different strokes for different folks. I had a stillborn baby at fullterm in 2009 and will always celebrate his birthday be it in my head or with my other dc. For my DC as they are all under 5; a cake etc would be very confusing for them. But I totally understand why birthdays should be acknowledged and really it's up to each family how they choose to do that

Did you see the Dunblane program where a young girl talked about never knowing her older sister and being, but not being, the eldest child?

I did not see this, but would like to. I am and am not the eldest child. My mother had a child before me. She was born out of wedlock in the early sixties and my mother was a teenager in a Catholic family. The child was happy, at home with my mother and her parents and sisters. There was a house fire. My older half-sister died at the age of two. My mother was never the same again. My aunts were never the same again. My grandparents were never the same again. She died in a fire, a little baby, and nobody could save her and she is gone. I'm the oldest child. But I'm not. I'm the oldest child but I only found out when I was over thirty that I wasn't the oldest child. I'm the oldest child of my parents and would never have been here unless my older half sister had died. My mother has been, always, obsessed with finding a way out, being prepared, being safe. Of course. But she doesn't even know that I know about that other baby. I found out by accident. I can't talk to her about it (she has dementia) but I dread it coming up one day. I hope my siblings don't find out and I can keep the secret because I think it would be awful for them.

Isn't odd how little we still talk about death?

I'm sorry for your losses, bunch, and for the lost babies of everyone. It even feels weird to mention it other than in passing (and often not even then) so, yes, of course it feels weird to observe someone's commemoration and to be invited to join in - albeit remotely, through Facebook.

I think of the daughter who didn't make it to term - 26 years ago - at least once a fortnight, and sometimes several times a day. Not in a maudlin & mopey way, but I have nieces the same age and I wonder how she would have been ... you know. I dealt with it in the expected manner at the time (cried for ten days, then shut up about it) and I regret that now. I do feel it's wiser to have some sort of ceremony marking the life. Because, however unrealised the life of the person, they do have a 'life' in our hearts and minds :)

Goodness, Ambroxide, I can only half-imagine how it must have been to grow up with an unknown shadow around you. And now to understand your mother's grief but feel unable to share it!

I feel for you.

To everyone on this thread who has lost their precious child, I'm crying but not because it's awful to hear about them, because I'm so glad people can be open about this now....and I'm so touched to hear of all the wonderful celebrations you've had for your loved ones' lives no matter how short those lives...still remembered, still talked about, still in your lives and hearts.

for so many of you on this thread. I think it's beautiful how you celebrate your loved ones.

OP I think it's the facebook sharing and photographs that make it seem a little 'odd' , but as you've said we all cope differently. Some people put their whole lives on social media so that would include ALL of their children.

As others have said each to their own. We had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks, although the baby had died around 17 weeks. One of the hardest things I have been through was that labour and having to explain where the baby had gone to our eldest DS. We were allowed to plant a shrub in our local churchyard, which gives me a sense of having marked our baby's death. For us, that was enough, and I have never felt the need to mark the birthday, and would never want to do so on FB, for me its a personal thng.
I found the reactions of others the hardest though, especially my ILs who never once referred to our baby. We went to a family BBQ soon after and I still had a bit of a bump, no one spoke about it at all which was so hurtful, but I think some people just don't know what to say and worry about saying the wrong thing.

Oh joy - Another thread from the non bereaved telling the bereaved parents of a child how they should publicly act with regards to their dead child.

I lost twin daughters at 23 weeks. I gave birth to them. I remember their birthday quietly every year. If I wanted to shout their names off the roof of my house that is my call. I don't but that is my choice and others do feel the need.

I lost my18 year old son two years ago to cancer. I held a huge party for his first birthday after he died. It was wonderful remembering him with those that loved him. His second birthday after he died was a quiet one. Next year I may hold a party again.

For those of you who have not lost a child, whether it be in pregnancy or a living child, you just cannot know. You do not know how you would act if you were in that position. Let's hope you never do.

Just let the bereaved be how they are. It's their way of coping. We have enough to deal with without judgement by others in how we remember our children.

I hear you op. I lost my first child at 22 weeks pregnant. On his first birthday I took the day off work and spent a quiet day at home. A few friends remembered and sent texts. It's now coming up to his second birthday and I will again be spending it having a quiet day thinking about him. I don't expect anyone else will remember this year but that's fine. I don't really like talking about him with others, he was my little baby, no one else knew him so no one else can talk about him. I post a lot on Facebook but there is no chance I would ever post anything about him.

I won't be rushing to tell my second Dc about him. I will wait until they are old enough to fully understand. I don't want to upset their childhood and have them thinking about the brother who isn't here.

I suppose everyone is different and has to work through things in their own way.

My mum lost a baby at full term before I was born. There was no grave or anything (in her words they just took him away). On his birthday it was mentioned a couple of times but not every year.

It was a big surprise at her funeral when the words my dad wrote included saying she had three children and his full name and they were now together. It was totally kept from me. In a way I am glad but as a mum now I feel heartbroken at what she went through.

I get the grief, I get the need to recognise a lost child, I get that they will always feel part of the family and that with every year the parents will wonder what that child would be like.

I don't get the Facebook thing, but then I just don't get Facebook. Dreadful thing full of awful postings and cringey attention seeking pictures and posts.

to everyone who have had losses.

OP, just realise you are fortunate that you don't understand. You don't have to understand, just respect that they can grieve in a way that helps them.

I lost my first daughter at 26 weeks, 7 years ago. I am a very private person, but some years I post about her on FB. The very reason for doing that is that everyone forgets about a stillborn baby, save the parents. After a very short while no-one will seem to remember. And people do seem to think that my DD2 and 3 somehow negate that loss. But I never forget that my first daughter died and think about her every day. It is just helpful when people acknowledge that she did exist, and was a "real person".

I think this makes you uncomfortable simply because you (understandably, and like most people) would prefer to imagine that children never die before their parents, and a very public display on FB challenges this belief. It is so horrible to contemplate, that you would prefer not to see it.

I lost my DS2 just over two years ago. We celebrate and mark his birthday and his friends mark his birthday as well. Why wouldn't we? We loved him for every one of the twenty-one years five months and seven days of his life and celebrated each of his birthdays. Why would we stop just because he's dead?

OP your comments are callous and shallow. You need to have a long hard think about yourself. Let bereaved parents grieve as THEY see fit, not as somebody else thinks they should.

I sincerely hope you are never in the situation of having to decide how to mark a dead child's birthday.

A couple I know had a stillbirth a few years ago and have since had 2 healthy DC. They post and check in on facebook every time they visit the graveyard, on the baby's birthday with their 2 kids they've posted pics of the baby when she died, and it's like a scan pic so I think she was born pre term.
Find it very uncomfortable and weird but they must get comfort from it...

Ambrox My DSIS and I grew up with two girls the same age, my DMs best friend's children. We saw them daily, almost all day. Both DHs worked very long hours and it was an isolated place. We were like sisters. They were brutally murdered when I was about 11.

DMs friend went on to have another DC after their death, but cut contact with the rest of us (understandably). We heard via her other family members that she'd 'gone off the rails', drinking heavily and leaving her child for long periods of time. Her DH left her. I believe her DC was eventually taken in by her aunt and raised by her.

I've thought of these girls every single day of my life without fail. Their deaths shaped my chosen career and my identity. I've always felt a close connection. But when my DCs were born it changed and tore me apart. I'd walk with DC1 for ages in his buggy, with tears literally streaming down my face because I couldn't cope with the pain of even thinking of him experiencing what these two had. For the first time my experience was through the eyes of a mum not a childhood friend.

I've found DMs friend on FB and she's almost unrecognisable now. Tight clothes and with a friends list of very foreign names. Her photos have her in bar type pics with lots of men. She hasn't posted for a very long time and I worry she may have died. I'm thinking she lived her life running from pain, and I don't blame her. I've not told DM any of this.

Her child is of the FB generation and she's now grown. Her mum isn't on her friends list and nor is her dad, but that could be by choice. I found her because she looks identical to the oldest child, even as an adult, and it floors me.

Every year I go through moments wondering if I should contact her. How would she feel meeting someone who knew her DSIS's well when she didn't ever? Would she want me to tell her about their deaths? Would she ask me about her mum's character before this happened? And each time I think she just needs to live her life and let it go.

Not sure why I'm telling you this, because the experiences are different. (My hands are shaking just typing it). Maybe to validate that, yes, these horrors shape lives, often very painfully.