to really not understand these birthday parties [trigger warning - stillbirth and bereavement]

[abunchofnc]

NC for this.

Someone I worked with some years ago had a stillbirth. She left her job but I'm still linked to her FB page. I barely know her but it seemed to me to be one of the most horrific experiences a woman could endure. My repeat miscarriages felt 'trivial' in comparison to her experience.

She has since gone on to have healthy DCs, as have I.

The thing is, every year since then they celebrate Baby A's birthday. (I'm not sure celebrate is the word though).

By this I mean a proper birthday cake, candles, birthday cards. And it's all on Facebook - lots of photos of them (including very young DCs who never knew their brother) gloomily staring at lit candles. Picture after picture. It really looks staged and very very surreal. Loads of 'happy birthday baby a' in the comments which I can't bring myself to add to.

I totally understand never forgetting, always remembering, marking moments etc, but I feel very odd seeing these pics. I feel like a heartless bitch even saying this, but it just feels odd somehow.

I don't even know what it is that I have an issue with: the very public FB posts? The incongruity of miserableness over lit birthday cake candles? I also can't imagine how my own 3 year old could ever process this if she was asked to participate like this other persons DCs do.

I know IABU. Her life, her way. Of course. I would never comment negatively if I saw her again. None of my business. But I can't get it out my head and clearly am not understanding something despite thinking about it a lot. I'm prepared to be flamed for this. Interested to know what others think.

Just read your response - celebrating my daughters life is in NO WAY damaging to my son. It's teaching him to empathise, to be compassionate, to understand the grieving and crying are healthy and normal. It's also showing him that the worst possible thing can happen and somehow you can survice it and move on with life and even with joy. Grieving out loud harms no-one, if anything being forced to hide it does. I have seen (in my role in SANDs) the damage done to ladies years ago who were not allowed to see their children or talk about them.

As MrsD says, your experiences do not give you or your husband licence to judge how others deal with the death of their child.

I wouldn't expect to be exempt from criticism because I lost a child.

But that's what you all ARE saying! OP is expressing her opinion that her friend posting pictures of her children grieving on FB is not in their best interest.

But apparently she's not allowed to have this opinion because the friend has lost a child and is therefore beyond reproach in whatever she does to grieve - even if that adversary affects her remaining children?

*adversely

Well said MrsDv.
That's what it books down to.
They would do it better, more tastefully, more socially acceptable.
Fucks sake it's snobbish, judegeental and just all round cunty.
I dont know how I would behave
I hope I never know
I hope I have friends unlike the judgy cunts on here.

Boils not books

My problem with the Op is not her own life experience but that she started a thread judging how other people choose to deal with an awful situation. We are all free to deal with grief as we wish and it's no one else's damn business. Experiencing the loss of a child IMHO does not give you any more right to judge how someone else chooses to deal with it.

Ok, thank you MrsD for expanding on that for me.

I agree MrsD Completely.

Nobody has the right to dictate how someone should grieve or share their memories with their children. I have been criticised for telling my 5 year old he would have had an older sister - so please enlighten me - when is the right time? Should we just pretend that our children didn't exist?

Thanks MrsD for saying so eloquently what I am failing completely to articulate. Words have actually now failed me. If you'd like me to hold your coat while you continue I am very happy to help.

To echo MrsDevere I suffered a stillbirth at 39 weeks 2 weeks ago and stumbled on this thread title whilst trying to read mindless aibu threads to take my mind off things and it certainly has not helped my frame of mind this evening.

Bless you! Take care. I'm sure that all of our thoughts are with you

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dd and how much you've had to deal with MrsDevere

Frankly, I'm terrified of my emotions right now and the thought that someone might be judging how 'appropriately' I may handle my grief in the future makes me so sad

Always, ALWAYS do what feels right to you and bollocks to anyone who says otherwise - you are the mother - trust your instincts

That's definitely how I've felt so far. Absolutely terrified. What I can't work out is why I'm so scared when the thing I was most afraid of has already happened.

I guess I'm scared for my other DS and DH. I feel like if DS2 can be taken so easily why can't they...

Going to try and get some sleep..

Oh, goody, another one! Happy fucking Easter.

Honestly, if you don't like what someone posts on FB, just fucking unfollow/block/hide.

It's quite simple.

But hey, some get more kicks out of starting a thread on MN. Get a fucking life.

I send love to those that have lost a child x
I send judgement to those who start threads like these. people would be allowed to grieve and deal with it how ever they feel.