to really not understand these birthday parties [trigger warning - stillbirth and bereavement]

[abunchofnc]

NC for this. 

Someone I worked with some years ago had a stillbirth. She left her job but I'm still linked to her FB page. I barely know her but it seemed to me to be one of the most horrific experiences  a woman could endure.  My repeat miscarriages felt 'trivial' in comparison to her experience. 

She has since gone on to have healthy DCs, as have I.

The thing is, every year since then they celebrate Baby A's birthday. (I'm not sure celebrate is the word though).

By this I mean a proper birthday cake, candles, birthday cards. And it's all on Facebook - lots of photos of them (including very young DCs who never knew their brother) gloomily staring at lit candles. Picture after picture. It really looks staged and very very surreal. Loads of 'happy birthday baby a' in the comments which I can't bring myself to add to.

I totally understand never forgetting, always remembering, marking moments etc, but I feel very odd seeing these pics.  I feel like a heartless bitch even saying this, but it just feels odd somehow.

I don't even know what it is that I have an issue with: the very public FB posts? The incongruity of miserableness over lit birthday cake candles? I also can't imagine how my own 3 year old could ever process this if she was asked to participate like this other persons  DCs do.

I know IABU. Her life, her way. Of course. I would never comment negatively if I saw her again. None of my business. But I can't get it out my head and clearly am not understanding something despite thinking about it a lot. I'm prepared to be flamed for this. Interested to know what others think.

[LunaticFringe]

Yep rabbit I'm doing it all wrong. Can I be excused from this job as a bp, have my dd back and go back to boring?
Ta.

[minmooch]

Thatsnotmyrabbit i do hope that you never lose a child to see whether you give 'a hoot' what strangers say. I don't mean to be offensive ...... but I think you are being a twat.

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

Min - fair enough 🙂

[NattyTile]

I have lost more than one child. Only one of them has a grave.

I'm not one for decorating the grave or posting big photos of it, or mourning publicly. Because for me, personally, I prefer a private grief, sometimes shared with a few close friends who also knew my children.

Other friends in a similar position have set up a charity in memore of their child, and keep their loss high profile to raise money for their charity.

Another friend spends days finding the perfect balloon, the perfect Christmas tree, the perfect Easter wreath, and fills the area infront of her child's headstone with them, and floods Facebook with photos of this beautiful sanctuary.

Not one of us is wrong. Not one of us would accuse the others of being morbid or cold or whatever. Because we all carry our losses differently. We all walk our own paths, and when we come together, we can all share our loss without having to explain it.

One of us buys birthday presents each year and donates them to the hospice. One of us has a tattoo. One of us releases balloons, another hates the environmental damage and prefers to write names in the sand.

I myself only discovered I had another sibling who had died after my first child died. It was never ever discussed. I know that talking about my own dead children makes people incredibly uncomfortable at times. I get that; it's not something most people want to think about. But I really hope that when I do, those people I'm talking to can try to understand my need to do that.

Oh - and very best of all, if you knew your friend when she was carrying her stillborn child, or for others who may have known the child a little longer, when your friends post posts like these, give them a memory.

If you remember the pregnancy announcement, or had a silly moment in a cafe when the bump spilled a drink, or got wedged somewhere, anything like that, however small, share it with your friend. "Remember whens" are so so precious.

[jenmac22]

Why doesn't the op just unfriend this morbid, dragging her children down, depressing woman? Easy dont look at her beautiful photos, all she can do for her dead child, Why start this thread? Don't judge what I hope you will never understand.

[DiscoGlitter]

for all those who have lost someone close to them. I have someone I know from school on my Facebook who has lost her parents, and she'll post pictures of their graves on there when she goes, or for special occasions like birthdays. Sometimes says a few words to them.
I don't judge, I think we all deal with grief in different ways. If it helps her, and makes her feel that they're nearer, then that's surely a good thing.

[Newes]

That is a lovely post, NattyTile

[abunchofnc]

I'm just back from a family outing and planned to respond earlier straight after my last update. But ran out of time.

Some amazing responses, but I'm genuinely incredulous at the mis-reading of my first post. 

I said: "I totally understand never forgetting, always remembering, marking moments etc, but I feel odd seeing these pictures". And wrt the pictures: "lots of photos of them (including very young DCs who never knew their brother) gloomily staring at lit candles". Did you note my question, "I also can't imagine how my own 3 year old could ever process this if she was asked to participate like this other persons DCs do"?

I think some of the comments on my so-called shallowness saying I should 'just be grateful etc...' are very presumptuous. 

I grew up in a war-zone. I live in the UK because I have gone through things most British people can't imagine and I want to be in a place free of that. My entire life is defined by tragedy and death - barbarity, in fact. My childhood friends I mentioned earlier were not casualties of war - they were murdered outside war, so an entirely different atrocity to process as a child. 

There is not a single moving story on here that I have issue with, or would comment negatively on if I saw it on FB. My family mark our moments on FB too (I don't, but that's me...), and we make a point of remembering. In fact, I am militant about remembering certain events in my life in the name of justice. My comments are not a comment on YOUR personal experience, and if you see it that way then I suggest you may be projecting YOUR own issues. They are specifically about these pictures.

As big a deal as remembering is in our community, I have never ever seen anyone I know make small innocent children pose miserably in a montage they are clearly not able to engage with. Photos next to a lit cake looking like they are about to cry; photos next to pictures of their stillborn sibling; photos of them with mum and dad holding glasses of fizz.  And looking unmistakeably wretched through it all.

I haven't had an epiphany that I am stupidly insensitive to the different ways people mourn (as some here appear to have hoped) because, frankly, I'm not insensitive to that. But I do have clarity on my reaction last night. This morning DH crystallised it for me in his blunt way. He saw the photos at breakfast on his phone and reacted quite forcefully. He said something like 'Have you fucking seen what 'x' has posted?' And when I said yes, he said 'Jesus Christ, would you EVER do that to our kids?' Of course I said no. 

And that's the point. What's 'being done' to the kids.

It may be that parents have a right to grieve exactly how they like. I have zero issue with that. But I respectfully say that I think it some actions go too far if it is potentially damaging to others. I also question the additional burden on their DCs which is the total violation of THEIR privacy via her FB posts. This mothers gets to choose how she mourns, but her DCs have no choice.

I am not identifying with the parents, as everyone else on this thread is. I am identifying with her Dcs. 

I am the child that grew up defined by death. It does not make for a happy adulthood, and it makes for a truly terrifying parenthood. I am stalked with fear about losing my DCs every day. I didn't get counselling growing up, and I suspect her DCs won't get counselling either to deal with this... Because in this society it's not about them, is it, it's about their DPs.

I also said last night that I couldn't bring myself to leave a comment on the thread. This is significant.  For the first time ever I haven't supported her posts. She is hugely active in SANDS and I always share her fundraising posts and information, and I always donate to her cause when asked to, even though she isn't actually a friend. I do this to support HER, not the charity. This time, however, I draw the line at a comment that might  validate them posing their kids in this way, despite their obvious misery. I am slightly appalled that so many people did just that on her post, and I suspect the fact they did do so stems partially from genuine love for her, but also this sense they can't 'criticise' because they haven't gone through it - exactly how I felt last night with my post. 

I am past that now and I hope that her closest friends might take her to one side and gently say 'have a very close look at these pictures and tell me what you truly see'. And ask her if she thinks its positive and good for her DCs.

If anyone here thinks grieving parents have an unfettered right to do this with surviving DCs in the name of processing their own grief, then we'll have to respectfully disagree.

[Notsogrimupnorth]

Just let people deal with grief in their own way. It is wrong to judge other people's reaction to loss. You are absolutely right - it is a taboo and should remain so.

[Walkthroughthefire]

I will always celebrate my beautiful daughters birthday. She may have been born still but she was still born and still loved. In the cruelly short time we had her, she brought magic and joy to our lives. My son and subsequent children will know their big sister. I really hope you never experience this devestating, gut wrenching, soul destroying, life changing event. If you've never experienced it, don't you dare judge how others grieve and deal with their loss. This post has made me fucking furious. Also, how about TRIGGER warning in the title

[NattyTile]

I am truly sorry for the losses you have suffered. And no, I can't begin to imagine how that must be.

As to how a three year old processes grief for a sibling they never knew, I'm not sure. But I do know a number of "rainbow babies" (dislike the term myself, but know others take comfort from it), and they do mostly know the basics. I'm no expert, but it seems to me to be healthier to know that mum and dad are sad because they miss X, rather than not knowing why mum is really sad sometimes. And to know that they did/do have an older sibling who should be here with them. It's not placing a burden on the child, it's giving meaning to the burden which is already there.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Just in response to that OP I feel I have to say that not speaking enough about loss in a family can be at least as harmful as the possibility you suggest of doing so too much? And I'm sure there's a broad middle way which can encompass different grief responses in a way that is helpful and healing for everyone. Also everyone in a family has to help one another through loss and grief together, this isn't a bad thing either. Children do not need to be completely protected from the grief of those around them including their parents, nor is this always possible.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

What is it with these threads on here again and again slagging off bereaved parents.
Talk about kicking those who really have been through the worst.

[HerRoyalNotness]

But you see the photo and judge what you see based on that. You weren't there, you don't know what they were feeling or talking about or any of it. You saw a snapshot that's all.

I'm not an extrovert, far from it, but I know how important it is for my mental well being to grieve how I want to, to talk about Baby DD with her DBs even if I cry and to acknowledge her to others and post of FB and whatever the hell I like.

DH was this close >< to a breakdown and ripping apart what's I left of our family exactly because he hid it and pretended it wasnt happening and kept it all inside, and tried to shush our DC when they mentioned it.

[Rinoachicken]

I think the OP is getting a rough ride here. And some posters are attacking her whilst conveniently forgetting that she has suffered multiple miscarriages herself.

You accuse her of no empathy and yet are showing little yourselves.

[HerRoyalNotness]

If she didn't want a rough ride she should not have posted.

Its a very emotive subject and the judging is disgusting