I'm just back from a family outing and planned to respond earlier straight after my last update. But ran out of time.
Some amazing responses, but I'm genuinely incredulous at the mis-reading of my first post.
I said: "I totally understand never forgetting, always remembering, marking moments etc, but I feel odd seeing these pictures". And wrt the pictures: "lots of photos of them (including very young DCs who never knew their brother) gloomily staring at lit candles". Did you note my question, "I also can't imagine how my own 3 year old could ever process this if she was asked to participate like this other persons DCs do"?
I think some of the comments on my so-called shallowness saying I should 'just be grateful etc...' are very presumptuous.
I grew up in a war-zone. I live in the UK because I have gone through things most British people can't imagine and I want to be in a place free of that. My entire life is defined by tragedy and death - barbarity, in fact. My childhood friends I mentioned earlier were not casualties of war - they were murdered outside war, so an entirely different atrocity to process as a child.
There is not a single moving story on here that I have issue with, or would comment negatively on if I saw it on FB. My family mark our moments on FB too (I don't, but that's me...), and we make a point of remembering. In fact, I am militant about remembering certain events in my life in the name of justice. My comments are not a comment on YOUR personal experience, and if you see it that way then I suggest you may be projecting YOUR own issues. They are specifically about these pictures.
As big a deal as remembering is in our community, I have never ever seen anyone I know make small innocent children pose miserably in a montage they are clearly not able to engage with. Photos next to a lit cake looking like they are about to cry; photos next to pictures of their stillborn sibling; photos of them with mum and dad holding glasses of fizz. And looking unmistakeably wretched through it all.
I haven't had an epiphany that I am stupidly insensitive to the different ways people mourn (as some here appear to have hoped) because, frankly, I'm not insensitive to that. But I do have clarity on my reaction last night. This morning DH crystallised it for me in his blunt way. He saw the photos at breakfast on his phone and reacted quite forcefully. He said something like 'Have you fucking seen what 'x' has posted?' And when I said yes, he said 'Jesus Christ, would you EVER do that to our kids?' Of course I said no.
And that's the point. What's 'being done' to the kids.
It may be that parents have a right to grieve exactly how they like. I have zero issue with that. But I respectfully say that I think it some actions go too far if it is potentially damaging to others. I also question the additional burden on their DCs which is the total violation of THEIR privacy via her FB posts. This mothers gets to choose how she mourns, but her DCs have no choice.
I am not identifying with the parents, as everyone else on this thread is. I am identifying with her Dcs.
I am the child that grew up defined by death. It does not make for a happy adulthood, and it makes for a truly terrifying parenthood. I am stalked with fear about losing my DCs every day. I didn't get counselling growing up, and I suspect her DCs won't get counselling either to deal with this... Because in this society it's not about them, is it, it's about their DPs.
I also said last night that I couldn't bring myself to leave a comment on the thread. This is significant. For the first time ever I haven't supported her posts. She is hugely active in SANDS and I always share her fundraising posts and information, and I always donate to her cause when asked to, even though she isn't actually a friend. I do this to support HER, not the charity. This time, however, I draw the line at a comment that might validate them posing their kids in this way, despite their obvious misery. I am slightly appalled that so many people did just that on her post, and I suspect the fact they did do so stems partially from genuine love for her, but also this sense they can't 'criticise' because they haven't gone through it - exactly how I felt last night with my post.
I am past that now and I hope that her closest friends might take her to one side and gently say 'have a very close look at these pictures and tell me what you truly see'. And ask her if she thinks its positive and good for her DCs.
If anyone here thinks grieving parents have an unfettered right to do this with surviving DCs in the name of processing their own grief, then we'll have to respectfully disagree.