to really not understand these birthday parties [trigger warning - stillbirth and bereavement]

[abunchofnc]

NC for this. 

Someone I worked with some years ago had a stillbirth. She left her job but I'm still linked to her FB page. I barely know her but it seemed to me to be one of the most horrific experiences  a woman could endure.  My repeat miscarriages felt 'trivial' in comparison to her experience. 

She has since gone on to have healthy DCs, as have I.

The thing is, every year since then they celebrate Baby A's birthday. (I'm not sure celebrate is the word though).

By this I mean a proper birthday cake, candles, birthday cards. And it's all on Facebook - lots of photos of them (including very young DCs who never knew their brother) gloomily staring at lit candles. Picture after picture. It really looks staged and very very surreal. Loads of 'happy birthday baby a' in the comments which I can't bring myself to add to.

I totally understand never forgetting, always remembering, marking moments etc, but I feel very odd seeing these pics.  I feel like a heartless bitch even saying this, but it just feels odd somehow.

I don't even know what it is that I have an issue with: the very public FB posts? The incongruity of miserableness over lit birthday cake candles? I also can't imagine how my own 3 year old could ever process this if she was asked to participate like this other persons  DCs do.

I know IABU. Her life, her way. Of course. I would never comment negatively if I saw her again. None of my business. But I can't get it out my head and clearly am not understanding something despite thinking about it a lot. I'm prepared to be flamed for this. Interested to know what others think.

[Msrichardofyork]

mrsdevere I think you are my hero.

Mumsnet deleted my post last year (when I had another user name) where i said the OP was being cunty for calling dead baby photos 'ghoulish' or some such. Lots of people leapt to her defence I seem to recall. I despair at the world.

to my fellow child and baby loss friends, I don't think it's a coincidence that you are some of the nicest, most compassionate people I know

[iMogster]

^ Sorry, wrong thread.

[iMogster]

I was thinking about using parental leave, just looked into it. Unfortunately it has to be taken in week sized chunks. If his course had been 1 month in a chunk it would have been easier, but 2 days a month for 7 months is actually really awkward. I hope you sort it out.

[iMogster]

I would like to thank OP for bravely starting this thread.
The responses have opened the eyes of a few people and made them see things from a new perspective. It is good to talk openly about difficult or taboo subjects.

[KittyandTeal]

I was coming on to say allow people to grieve in their own way but the thread has moved on and from the last few I don't think I want to go back and read them all as it'll be too upsetting.

I will say I am one of those 'over sharers' on fb. I went through the diagnosis, termination, birth and subsequent grieving all on fb. I am now doing similar with ds. I know people don't get it. I don't know why I feel the need to do it, it helps me not bottle it all up maybe, it's a slightly removed way to let people know how I am feeling without having to have the face to face conversations I struggle with.

I deal with endless scan pics, baby photos, firsts and happy parents with their beautiful children. That's fb. Sometimes it upsets me sometimes it makes me smile to think my dd2 could be doing those things too.

I guess that's the 'dangers' of fb.

[Northernlurker]

No I'm not going to congratulate the op for articulating that she's uncomfortable blah blah. I'm just going to expect her to apply some empathy and intelligence to the situation and realise different people do different things.

[gotthemoononastick]

There are things that the human spirit can go through that is unimaginable .
Even empathy from others is a hollow comfort.
If and how these things are being dealt with is the lonely road.
When the end is in sight for the strong, a 'thank you' will suffice .

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

The appropriateness of children being drawn into blowing out candles???

What the hell does that even mean?

Yes let's all applaud the op for having the courage to behave like an insensitive twat and question the perfectly normal am reasonable actions of someone who is grieving their child. Let's all congratulate her on her further posts insinuating we are all fucking up our children.

Questioning the perfectly normal actions of a bereaved parent on what's supposed to be a supportive parenting site in the manner she did was never going to cause anything but upset really, op knows that, that's why she name changed before posting.

How about, instead of people who aren't where we are coming online and telling us how they would act, feel, think and what they would or wouldn't do of they were in our shoes, people take take a little minute to think that we are experiencing something outside the realm of their experience and therefore will react in ways which they may not understand, thank their lucky stars that they don't get it, then go about their lives without trying to inflict yet more pain on people who don't really need anymore.

[Stillbloodyfat]

She was just being honest and open about her reaction to something. It takes a degree of courage to say "I know I'm not supposed to feel like this but I do". There are many others who share her concerns about involving very young children in bereavement rituals beyond their understanding. I don't see a problem personally but others are perfectly entitled to feel that way. Let's not assume they're all nasty and cruel.

[BitchyComment]

The OP got it very VERY wrong and has wholeheartedly apologised. I honestly don't think her intention was to upset people. I think her issue was wanting to understand why BPs have parties and post on Facebook. She didn't say people shouldn't do it. It was more her feeling towards it that she was questioning. IYSWIM

If posters think differently or think the OP posted to be goady and nasty then I think the the thread should be reported.

[LardLizard]

Wow what a nasty thing to say n think on here op

Did it not occur. To you that many of us have lost actual children

You need to take a good look at yourself

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

"OMG call the NSPCC NOW!"

Oh don't be silly. You know what I meant 🙄

[Stillbloodyfat]

Lunatic that's how I felt when I saw the FB posts when my child should have started school and I responded the same way as you although I was dying inside.

Grief is something that has traditionally been private in this country but social media has shifted the way we talk about our lives and now things like grief, mental illness, relationship problems are no longer taboo subjects. I can understand why there are some who find this shift uncomfortable as they've not had to deal with it before.

Yes op was wrong to make uninformed judgements about the people in the photo - I think perhaps she was projecting her own discomfort onto them to some degree. However I think it's a positive thing that she is talking about her reaction to seeing a moment of grief expressed in a way she hadn't seen before.

By acknowledging our feelings about these things we can learn and deal with them. For years parental grief has been hidden away but social media gives it a voice among all the happy news. This is a good thing and the op has opened up an important discussion here. It's a positive thing to talk about grief so others can learn about it. Sometimes being made to feel uncomfortable is a good thing, it's how we learn about each other's battles.

[howmanyairmiles]

Next month is the anniversary of my son's and husbands death at the hands of a drunk driver and I couldn't imagine criticising the way anyone grieves, some people may not like or understand what I do to remember or celebrate, but it works for me.

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

Nobody's suggested anyone stfu.

The OP was about the appropriateness of children being drawn into blowing out candles etc.

She has also apologised unreservedly.

[LunaticFringe]

still do you know how my fb looked on the day my DD should have started school? Full of jolly 4 year olds excited and their mummies having a wobble about their dc 'being all grown up'. And every single one of those pictures hurt more than words can say. But I hit 'like' for every single one of them because I know it was about their joy not my grief. As I 'like' the party pictures, as I will like the exam successes, the wedding announcements.
Is it so much to ask for them to grit their teeth and put up with my annual fb status on her birthday?
Luckily for my friends think not.

[ProudAS]

Friend of mine always celebrates stillborn son's birthday. It's about celebrating and remembering that he lived and it's a happy day for her.

[Northernlurker]

Ok - I am not a bereaved parent. I don't know how it feels to lose a child ad I pry a never do. But my grandmother lost a child and my family lives with that loss 40 years on. Do you know what happened the day her son was killed? Do you know how many friends and distant relations from the village she lived in, had been born in, came to see them and mourn with them?
You might think it was a lot but in fact her friends and relations went round the village telling everybody what had happened and that they should stay away and give the family privacy. I imagine many of those of you who think grief should be private would approve of that.
Thankfully there was one person who heard the news and thought differently. He was quite literally at that time the only black man in the village and maybe that made a difference, maybe he was just more emotionally open that everybody else. I don't know. What I do know though is that my mother has carried with her lifelong the fact that he came up to the house and sat and talked with my shocked and grieving grandparent Is. He told them how he was feeling and he mourned with them. That was all he needed to do to be a memory they held life long. He was there.
I have friends who have lost dcs. All I have to do two or three times a year is join with them to remember their dc however they want to. All I have to do is let them know I remember their children's names. All I have to do.
All they have to do is live with it day after day for ever.

Those of us who are fortunate enough to have our dcs in our arms have no business calling them weird or maudlin or abusive. We have no business saying they make us uncomfortable. They owe us nothing. They just need to get through the days and live their lives and we just need to let them know we remember too.

And if you really, really don't get that and you're sitting there at home all pursed lips and righteous horror at the thought of something so subversive as a cake for a child who is dead, well just look at your dcs bouncing round the house or sleeping upstairs and just for one moment try and imagine what it would be like if they were gone and people criticised you for taking time to remember them and then shut up, once and for all. Because there have been enough of these threads.

[Stillbloodyfat]

Mini mooch I just felt that this thread was not started to disrespect or to be unsympathetic towards bereaved parents such as you and I - I felt the op was addressing the use of social media for sharing very personal moments. For some this blanket sharing is a way of validating their experiences but we have to realise when we do this that there is sometimes an impact on those that we share with. When we put things on social media we put others into a position of sharing our lives and they may not always be comfortable with this all of the time.