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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope these parents are Mumsnetters so I can actually say what I think to them

269 replies

Northernlurker · 26/03/2016 18:28

I found your small child in the car park at Waitrose today. I think he was no more than 4, if that. Dh and I saw him as we drove in and when I realised he was alone I leapt out of the car and went to speak to him. The first thing he said was that Mummy had 'gone'. He was scared and bewildered and had clearly made it all of the way out of the shop and around 150 metres across the carpark to your car looking for you.
So what I want to know is why you weren't looking for him? Because I stood talking to him for a good two or three minutes and then I sent dh in to the shop to get an announcement made. When the assistant came out at speed a minute later I thought it was because you had already reported him lost but no, she was just following procedure. I saw you when you 'found' him though you can't really call it that because you clearly hasn't registered he might have wandered. The assistant told you he was found in the carpark and you didn't seem bothered at all.
He is a very sweet child. I could see that from the couple of minutes I had with him. I think he deserves parents who notice when he disappears don't you?

Angry

I should have told you what I thought there and then. But I was being terribly British about it and I couldn't really believe what I was seeing tbh.

I really hope you see this and do things differently because he won't always make his way safely across a busy car park and he won't always run in to nice Mumsnetters like me.

OP posts:
markthomson1404 · 27/03/2016 13:40

I am with you, once turned around to find DS 3 yrs old at time had disappeared. Instant cold sweat and as I stepped forward two steps and about to shout my head off only to notice he was right behind me. I was not calm or controlled and was just about to start calling his name at the top of my voice. Cant really understand how if you found a child you weren't able to locate the obviously frantic parent instantly. Also for the others calling you judgmental are they not judging you ?

BoffinMum · 27/03/2016 13:45

I am just making a note to myself that should my youngest lose me, when someone is returning him to me I should tear my clothes whilst demonstrating remorse intensely publicly, loudly and obviously. Whilst someone else glowers at me for being a shit parent and having the temerity to have a fruit shoot in my shopping trolley and using disposable nappies of whatever.

OP, you have NO IDEA what happened in the run up to the car park incident, or at home afterwards, so I think a little compassion would be in order.

I also reckon a four year old should have the good sense to stay put if they lose their minder, or tell a shop assistant they are lost, and not go outside wandering near cars, so if one of mine did this they would get a big telling off once they got home.

(One of mine used to be a bolter and frequently did things like this to wind people up. I was the same parent then as I am now, but people were pretty quick to judge, unfairly as it happened).

Floggingmolly · 27/03/2016 13:49

All (other) mothers on MN are Mother Mary personified, markthomson
The generally advised thing to do if you should come across a child being beaten with a big stick while being called a vile little cunt; is to offer the mum a cup of tea and a big hug, because she's obviously just having a bad day and this is simply a "snapshot" and she's a perfect angel the other 23.9 hours of the day.
And the child doesn't mind, really,.

BoffinMum · 27/03/2016 13:49

FWIW at a young age, one of mine got up from a nap, walked through three rooms, out the back door, out the back gate through to the next garden, across the neighbour's garden, down the passageway, through another gate and stood next to a main road calmly watching lorries and cars go past. I had absolutely no idea as I was cleaning at the time. Luckily the next door neighbour returned him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/03/2016 14:06

I don't think the child escaping from the house, where you weren't with your child (being in another room or whatever), is really in the same league as not noticing they're no longer with you in a shop, is it? I really don't think it is.

dontrunwithscissors · 27/03/2016 14:06

I always locked the doors when my kids were small and kept the keys away from the door. Neither of my 2 were into running away. I can understand how you can lose a child when out and about, but it seems common sense to lock doors and avoid a young child slipping out.

IsmellSwell · 27/03/2016 14:06

Maybe she was internally freaking out but managing to hold it together so as not to upset her kid?

Exactly.
Real Life isn't like on films where the mother is shrieking and pulling her hair out.
I would imagine some people go into a kind of ''quiet' shock when this sort of thing happens.
Shock can make a person look expressionless, which came across to you as her being 'not concerned'

Sorry but I think you are being very judgmental.

BoffinMum · 27/03/2016 14:10

Don'trun, in a large family with lots of comings and goings of multiple children it's not always practical to Fort Knox things as you suggest. We had the door near the road double bolted from the inside in anticipation of escape, but we seriously did not expect him to make it through two doors and three gates (one of which had a pretty high handle) onto the pavement and I don't think that was unreasonable.

PerpendicularVincent · 27/03/2016 14:12

At no point did the OP state that she's a perfect parent, and she's getting unnecessary stick.

People are allowed to be concerned about a situation without being accused of being that MN failsafe, 'judgemental', which to me is pretty meaningless anyway.

WhatamessIgotinto · 27/03/2016 14:18

I saved a little boy from drowning at Centreparcs last year. He was about 5 and in the big pool with the wave machine. I got him from the bottom of the pool, lifeguard helped me get him out etc and put out an announcement for his parents - no one came. His mum was eventually found sitting chatting to her friend by the side of the pool but still hadn't noticed anything amiss. Lifeguard explained what had happened and his mother referred to me as an 'interfering do gooder'.

Floggingmolly · 27/03/2016 14:22

No good deed goes unpunished, Whatamess...

BoffinMum · 27/03/2016 14:25

Whatamess, that's awful. I have heard of parents doing this at pools, and I was actually talking to a lifeguard at the local pool recently about the phenomenon. It's something I am really paranoid about and I do tend to stand at the side and scan the pool for children in difficulty, not just mine, but I learned to do this as a teacher when I had to take groups swimming, plus I did lifeguard stuff when I was a pupil at school too. I can't imagine a situation where I would allow a five-year-old into a wave pool without full 100% attention from me, and standing within arm's distance as well.

BeautifulLiar · 27/03/2016 14:28

I lost my 4 year old in Waitrose and wasn't frantically looking for her. She was sulking about not being bought new toys and I didn't think she'd go far, plus I had to keep an eye on her siblings.

Turns out one of the assistants saw her on her own and had a tannoy announcement put out. I DIED of embarrassment when I heard "Could the mother of "Queen Elsa" please come to customer services?" BlushBlush

BeautifulLiar · 27/03/2016 14:29

Disclaimer: I was panicking on the inside...

AskBasil · 27/03/2016 14:33

Basically you're complaining about the fact that the parents seemed calm and unconcerned; they weren't panicking sufficiently for your approval.

You don't know what they were thinking or how they were feeling.

So YABU.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/03/2016 14:41

God, Whatamess, that sounds almost as though she was hoping he would have drowned! Shock Bloody hell. :(

Glad you found him.

I panic like anything where water is concerned, especially with the whole "drowning doesn't look like drowning (silent drowning)" and secondary, "dry" drowning things - scares me witless.

lem73 · 27/03/2016 14:48

I lost ds2 a couple of very scary times. Usually a kind stranger found him and I was practically kissing their feet in gratitude. The Op is not criticizing the parents for losing their child, she is criticizing them for their strange reaction. I lost ds2 a few times and I practically kissed the feet of the people who located him, so I can't understand the mother's reaction either.

3kidsandacat · 27/03/2016 14:50

Northern lurker I am with you totally in his, you often get ridiculed on here for venting, only a couple of weeks ago someone else got judgmental when she spotted a small child in a car in a car park, I think rightly so, I have no idea why people think it's ok to leave small children without adequate supervision, get a grip all you people who are judging her for her views, the child was on his own and for more than a min, no frantic parents spotted and didn't even seem to mind when they were located, please read original post before replying, I think I am going to bow out of MN, I can't stand how virtuous some people are,

LogicalThinking · 27/03/2016 14:52

happygoluckylady and 22sailors, I assume then that every one of the parents on this thread who has described how they have lost their children at some point, are all shitty parents? Or is it just the lack of hysteria that makes a parent shitty?

can happen to anyone but you should know immediately.
Unless there are 2 parents and each one thinks the other has the child.

Why can't people just be happy and feel good when they have helped someone? Why the need to criticise the parents? Does that make you feel even better?

WhatamessIgotinto · 27/03/2016 14:52

"drowning doesn't look like drowning (silent drowning)" and secondary, "dry" drowning things - scares me witless.

Me too. This little boy was still as anything at the bottom of the pool, he wasn't waving or thrashing his arms around. I was swimming underwater and he looked straight at me. The panic and fear in his eyes was so awful, he was only a tiny wee thing and couldn't swim at all. To be honest I still get quite distressed when I think about it.

22sailors · 27/03/2016 14:54

I think expecting a 4 year old to go to a shop,assistant if lost would have to be something taught and I doubt a parent who doesn't even notice a child gone would have taught that.

I think OP will have got the message by now if they're on here so there's nothing much more to be said.

Tessabelle74 · 27/03/2016 15:01

I complained at our local pool a few weeks ago as the lifeguards were all stood in a group chatting and not one of them was actually watching the pool! Unfortunately they are all young kids who probably get paid peanuts and are totally oblivious to how quickly a child can drown even in shallow water and are too busy planning the next night out!

Floggingmolly · 27/03/2016 15:04

Two parents; each one thinking the other one has the child is equally shitty parenting, Logical. Assuming you both speak a common language.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/03/2016 15:07

Whatamess - I'm not remotely surprised it still distresses you. Even thinking about it makes me curl up inside. :(

TendonQueen · 27/03/2016 15:10

It's possibly the thing I dislike most about MN (while there's also plenty to like) that apparently judging others is worse than being a shitty parent. It isn't. Northern is right to criticise.

Boffin so you're blaming the four year old? Seriously?