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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope these parents are Mumsnetters so I can actually say what I think to them

269 replies

Northernlurker · 26/03/2016 18:28

I found your small child in the car park at Waitrose today. I think he was no more than 4, if that. Dh and I saw him as we drove in and when I realised he was alone I leapt out of the car and went to speak to him. The first thing he said was that Mummy had 'gone'. He was scared and bewildered and had clearly made it all of the way out of the shop and around 150 metres across the carpark to your car looking for you.
So what I want to know is why you weren't looking for him? Because I stood talking to him for a good two or three minutes and then I sent dh in to the shop to get an announcement made. When the assistant came out at speed a minute later I thought it was because you had already reported him lost but no, she was just following procedure. I saw you when you 'found' him though you can't really call it that because you clearly hasn't registered he might have wandered. The assistant told you he was found in the carpark and you didn't seem bothered at all.
He is a very sweet child. I could see that from the couple of minutes I had with him. I think he deserves parents who notice when he disappears don't you?

Angry

I should have told you what I thought there and then. But I was being terribly British about it and I couldn't really believe what I was seeing tbh.

I really hope you see this and do things differently because he won't always make his way safely across a busy car park and he won't always run in to nice Mumsnetters like me.

OP posts:
maydancer · 26/03/2016 21:03

'maybe the boy wasn't in their car,' .. meant ro say in their 'care'

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2016 21:06

Sausages Grin

bolleauxnouveau · 26/03/2016 21:13

Well I expect more from Waitrose shoppers.
Apparently there's a Richard Branson anecdote of his mum leaving him to find his way home when he was 4 and him finding his way to the wrong farmhouse. It' s character building or Darwinism in action, depending on the consequences.

Gabilan · 26/03/2016 21:17

I should have told you what I thought there and then. But I was being terribly British about it and I couldn't really believe what I was seeing tbh

So, OP, you know that your own reaction to the situation was influenced by a culture in which you don't speak up and that you were too flummoxed by the situation to think what to say.

So how do you know for sure that the parents didn't feel the same? Now, they may be the shittest parents in the world who don't care. But without seeing more of them it's hard to say. They could also have been too much in shock to react properly, just as you say you were, when he wasn't even your child. It comes down to policing people's reactions. You don't know how worried they were. External, immediate reactions don't really indicate what was going on inside their heads, or what's happening now.

leelu66 · 26/03/2016 21:17

I heard he was 10 and his dad left him in a strange town with £10 and told him to find his way home!

leelu66 · 26/03/2016 21:18

^ for bolleaux

(Is that French for bollocks btw?)

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 26/03/2016 21:19

This thread is a stealth boast if ever I saw one.

Fuck. Right. Off. With. The. Sanctimony.

AuntieMaggie · 26/03/2016 21:21

I once found a toddler about to fall in a pond at one of those farm/park places... took me about 20 mins to find his parents who were sat outside the cafe drinking wine with their friends... they didn't bat an eyelid when I told them where I found him which was a fair way from where they were and barely acknowledged me! I felt sorry for the poor boy and considered taking him home!

PerpendicularVincent · 26/03/2016 21:22

YANBU, OP.

You're getting a lot of stick on here and I'm not sure why. Losing sight of a child is perfectly possible, to seem unbothered by this is very odd.

bolleauxnouveau · 26/03/2016 21:25

Leelu, I had a quick google,he says he was about 5,his mum says 7. Apparently it was to help overcome his shyness.
I suspect that the french for bollocks is something else, but don't know for sure as my french is a bit bolleaux.

leelu66 · 26/03/2016 21:32

Maybe his dad said 10? Wink

PirateSmile · 26/03/2016 21:32

How sanctimonious of you AuntMaggie to rescue a child from falling into a pond, finding his parents at the other end of the farm and returning him to them...

LogicalThinking · 26/03/2016 21:35

I was always very calm in that situation. I happened a lot. My son is autistic and disappeared frequently, not responding to his name so I knew there was no point in calling him.
If you had seen me walking around looking for him, you could well assume that I didn't give a shit. There wasn't a huge scene when I found him either.

I just don't do over-emotional or panic in that kind of situation - because it doesn't help! The way I coped with the stress of it was by keeping it all in.

And I really couldn't give shit what you or any other judgy people think of me. Your opinions mean nothing.

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2016 21:39

AuntMaggie I'm assuming you didn't hide behind a keyboard and publicly slag the parents off for it though, because you didn't want to slag them off to their faces?

That's the difference here.

SagaAndMartinsLiftConvos · 26/03/2016 21:45

YANBU OP. I wonder if the how-dare-you-judge comments (some of them, anyway) are related to the just world fallacy. It isn't comfortable to think that actually, some people are just shitty parents. It's nicer to think that that parent screaming at a toddler is having a bad day, and will apologise and hug the child in five minutes' time, than to confront the possibility that that is how that child lives all the time. It is nicer to think that the parents of a wandering child are looking for him frantically than that they just don't really give that much of a crap where he is.

My little DS walked out of the front door and down the road when he was two. Too right I was frantic. I ran out looking for him in my socks and spent the rest of the day randomly bursting into tears and hugging him. I think that is a normal reaction.

Floggingmolly · 26/03/2016 21:46

Aren't most posts on MN slagging off someone or other though? The smelly bugger on the bus, the colleague who eats noisily, the neighbour who does DIY at 7am, etc.
The op's are usually told "you vent away Hun, get it off your chest, it would be VERY RUDE to say anything in real life,. That smelly bastard might have special needs!!

Some of the boards would close down without all these annoying swine and their antics.

5608Carrie · 26/03/2016 21:51

I work in a shopping centre store. A few years ago a lost toddler wandered in at 10:30 pm. It was late night opening before Christmas, December 23rd. A member of staff sat with them and comforted them while we contacted centre security. It was announced over the loudspeaker for 30 mins before the parents showed up. By which stage the police had also been contacted. Apparently the parents knew he was "Safe" as he was with centre security. They had therefore decided to finish their Sainsburys shop. Hmm

Both parents were there so neither were overly concerned. The toddler wasn't in the least worried either. I am not sure if the police took it any further but these two weren't even apologetic.

workedoutforthebest · 26/03/2016 21:52

Op, why did you not say ANYTHING to the couple if you were that annoyed. Forget about you being 'terribly British', I just cannot fathom it Hmm

To make things even less fathomable, you come on here expecting a standing ovation for something that most people would have done anyway.

Difference is, if it was me & it had riled me up so much, I would have had to say something there & then, not wait hours later & then post about it.

PirateSmile · 26/03/2016 21:54

Worra I don't any difference really between AuntMaggie telling her story on this thread and the OP telling hers.

MistressMerryWeather · 26/03/2016 21:55

Surely the equivalent would be a person fabreezing the bus after the smelly bugger got off, amid cheers from other passengers then posting it on MN hoping SB reads it.

Christ, I hope that never happens. :o

Chinesealan · 26/03/2016 21:59

Never mind stealth, this is a pure boast.
That said, I'm with the OP that it's horrible of the parents not to seem to care that he'd been alone in the car park.

LogicalThinking · 26/03/2016 22:19

Too right I was frantic. I ran out looking for him in my socks and spent the rest of the day randomly bursting into tears and hugging him. I think that is a normal reaction.
No, that is a normal reaction for you. I have never reacted like that in my life and I have been in far more stressful situations of losing my kids for longer. I couldn't do frantic if I tried.

it's horrible of the parents not to seem to care
Not seem to care is very different to not caring.

Why should I have to put on a display of emotion to satisfy other people that I care?

MissPhyllisStein · 26/03/2016 22:25

I've Nc'd for this because it totally outs me Northern it wasn't Waitrose Hexham by any chance was it?
Ah what fond memories I have of Christmas 2014, when my then 3yo dt's were with me and I trying to get some Christmas shopping. (LOne P, no one to leave them with.) The lovely Rosemary, on the unWelcome desk, wouldn't let me pay on that desk, although it is entirely at the discretion of the member of staff whether they choose to do so. She could see I was on my own with x2 LO. I had to trail over to nearest til, thought the Dt's were following. I couldn't hold hands because I was carrying stuff. I have problem carrying anything heavy so can't hold basket. Very busy shop. I was beyond stressed (literally losing the will to live).
One of them broke free (we were very near the door) because I was SO upset at the lack of milk of human kind Rosemary on desk had shown my head was totally befuddled. Within seconds a couple appeared with DT being silently judgey but didn't say anything, Thank God. I don't what I would have done if they had. I thought she was behind me.
I fucking hate Waitrose Hexham. Horrible woman.
If anything had happened to either of my DTs I wouldn't be able to stick around for the other one. Is that melodramatic enough for you?
Some people are shit parents (some shocking stories on here) some people might appear to be but aren't, necessarily.

LaurieMarlow · 26/03/2016 22:28

Wow OP. Coming across as both judgemental and cowardly. Nice one.

RufusTheReindeer · 26/03/2016 22:36

Agree that some parents are shit parents and judge away

The problem with this scenario is that you are saying that anyone who doesnt conform to your idea of "panicked" or "frantic with worry" doesnt care about their child

People who have "misplaced" their child and didnt exhibit those signs (not me...nope, nope, nope...i havent lost ds2 twice or ds1, nope,nope,nope) are getting a bit cheesed off with the implication (is that right...i always get confused between imply and infer) that they are shit parents

I was very judgy the other day...2 year old pitched forward on the escalator. I honestly thought he was going over but he managed to right himself. Parents not holding his hand and were too far away to grab him