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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope these parents are Mumsnetters so I can actually say what I think to them

269 replies

Northernlurker · 26/03/2016 18:28

I found your small child in the car park at Waitrose today. I think he was no more than 4, if that. Dh and I saw him as we drove in and when I realised he was alone I leapt out of the car and went to speak to him. The first thing he said was that Mummy had 'gone'. He was scared and bewildered and had clearly made it all of the way out of the shop and around 150 metres across the carpark to your car looking for you.
So what I want to know is why you weren't looking for him? Because I stood talking to him for a good two or three minutes and then I sent dh in to the shop to get an announcement made. When the assistant came out at speed a minute later I thought it was because you had already reported him lost but no, she was just following procedure. I saw you when you 'found' him though you can't really call it that because you clearly hasn't registered he might have wandered. The assistant told you he was found in the carpark and you didn't seem bothered at all.
He is a very sweet child. I could see that from the couple of minutes I had with him. I think he deserves parents who notice when he disappears don't you?

Angry

I should have told you what I thought there and then. But I was being terribly British about it and I couldn't really believe what I was seeing tbh.

I really hope you see this and do things differently because he won't always make his way safely across a busy car park and he won't always run in to nice Mumsnetters like me.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 26/03/2016 19:45

"she's having a pop at the way the parents didn't appear
to care"

appear being the important word. OP knows nothing about it other than what she saw. Unless these people had thought bubbles appearing above their heads. Hmm

Floggingmolly · 26/03/2016 19:45

The point is that the Mum herself hadn't alerted the store member, because she didn't notice her kid had disappeared, Worra
You don't expect members of the public to notice before you do...

finallydelurking · 26/03/2016 19:48

YANBU! I've found several lost kids over the years, usually in supermarkets. I've also lost my own. I am eternally grateful to the woman who found my missing toddler. All but one of the times I've found a child when their parent has turned up they've been frantic, near tears or crying and very grateful! Once I waited 15 minutes with a child who's parent left the supermarket without them and drove off!! On their return they clearly didn't care. I judged.

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2016 19:49

Flogging the OP knows nothing of the sort.

In the few minutes she was with the child, the Mother could have felt the panic, checked the last couple of aisles, called for the child, alerted a member of staff who was quite possibly on their way to alert security and put a call out on the tannoy.

As for not 'appearing' to care or to be relieved, that's a complete pile of crap as I've often read/heard parents saying they forgot to thank the person who found their child, because they just weren't thinking straight.

No-one knows how strangers react in these situations. Some go loud and shouty and others go cold and silent with fear.

Either way, the last thing they need if they are Mumsnetters is to read this pile of judgy shite.

BillSykesDog · 26/03/2016 19:50

flogging but how do you know she hadn't noticed because she wasn't bothered? I can think of an awful lot of reasons which would be perfectly understandable when there are two parent about. They both probably thought he was with the other.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/03/2016 19:51

By "didn't appear to care", I don't mean the parents should have outwardly looked like they were in the grips of panic, rapidly being replaced by overwhelming relief. I mean that really, I'd expect them to tell the child they're glad they're safe, not to leave the shop if they get lost, maybe thank the person who found them. There is a very big middle ground between being uncaring and being panicked.

greenfolder · 26/03/2016 19:52

That is why we all look out for kids that are lost. Because parents aren't infallible. And kids wander, especially 4 year olds. I spotted a small child wandering through our local shopping centre. They were oblivious to being lost, and clearly in their way somewhere. No more than 2.5 . A worried middle aged man was following. When I went up to the child, he told me he had spotted the child leaving the Lego store. So I took the kid straight back. Mum was in the back of the store with another child and though the little one was with another family member. They were amazed at how far they got I literally a few minutes. That does not mean they don't care. It means they are human.

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2016 19:54

There is a very big middle ground between being uncaring and being panicked.

But outwardly, they can look the same.

It's often when people get home, or the enormity of 'what might have been' sinks in, that they then feel bad that they forgot to thank the person.

I've read it tons of times, even my local newspaper often runs stories from people who say they forgot to thank a stranger who came to their aid in a time of need.

Not everyone reacts the same way but that doesn't mean it's safe to assume they don't care.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/03/2016 19:57

Oh dear. You have been very undeservedly verbally beaten here, and for what showing concern and acting upon it, when. You see anything worries you. Jeesu Christi in a bucket. Talk about only on Mumsnet.
You did the right thing, and don't be told different. You see I think this is why many People sadly turn a blind eye to things and going by the response you've had on here. I'd be lying if I said. I blamed them. TBH

RudeElf · 26/03/2016 19:58

I'd expect them to tell the child they're glad they're safe, not to leave the shop if they get lost

We have nothing to say that didnt happen.

Squiff85 · 26/03/2016 19:58

It makes me laugh there are people who will give you shit for this.

YANBU OP.

The truth is a fair amount of parents I know just don't care enough - lazy parenting. Apparently I am the anxious one for telling my kids to walk away from the kerb, for checking them when they're asleep and for not letting them eat alone for fear of choking !

Some people don't deserve kids.

NoelHeadbands · 26/03/2016 19:59

I'm sure the parents were bothered, they were probably just being 'terribly British' about it. You know, like you were.

Elendon · 26/03/2016 20:00

What a load of sanctimonious twaddle, OP.

Get a grip. On reality.

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2016 20:00

Oh dear. You have been very undeservedly verbally beaten here, and for what showing concern and acting upon it, when. You see anything worries you. Jeesu Christi in a bucket. Talk about only on Mumsnet.

Are you reading the same thread?

She's been verbally beaten here for verbally beating a parent who lost their child, because she was too 'British' (read cowardly) to verbally beat her to her face.

Many people on Mumsnet will have found and returned a lost child to someone, without starting a thread to put the boot in to the parents.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/03/2016 20:01

Agreed Worra, but there are sadly some parents that would appear like they weren't really fussed and actually weren't. I think the absolute minimum I'd expect in this situation would be for the parent to ask the child not to leave the shop if they got lost and explain that they were worried, even if they appeared very calm while they explained it. If that didn't happen I'd probably judge, but yes, perhaps wrongly.

MistressMerryWeather · 26/03/2016 20:03

It's not really possible to tell how much someone cares in a situation like that. Some people go robotic in a crisis.

Two-year-old DS went missing while we were at my parents house last year. In a house full of adults he went from happily playing in the hall to gone in 5 seconds flat after sussing out the front door lock.

When we found him (he didn't get very far thank God) my mother was frantic, wailing and crying and all I did was pat his head repeatedly. Blush

I burst into tears later that night when he was in bed asleep and was completely inconsolable but at the time probably didn't seem to give a shit.

You really don't have any idea what other people are thinking/feeling.

ivykaty44 · 26/03/2016 20:03

Op don't judge someone on how they appear and how they appear to react to a situation. You have no idea what medication they may be taking on on their health situation that may mask thier attitude and control of their emotions - you have no idea....

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2016 20:06

EKL it may well have happened. Just not in the earshot of the OP.

Which is why it's not a good idea to publicly put the boot in on a public forum, to parents who lose their kids.

WhiskyTangoAlphaFoxtrot · 26/03/2016 20:08

I saw a child bolt out of a fast food place today - he was clearly a regular bolter, as he continued to try the who,e time I was there - but his mum hadn't noticed he had gone. I told her and she didn't turn round, just said a sibling had him. I was quite gobsmacked. She was right, he actually was with an older sibling, but not when he bolted he wasn't.

Queenbean · 26/03/2016 20:09

There's no doubt that the OP did the right thing by making sure that the child was safe

But these open letter "dear shit mother" posts are sanctimonious shit.

he won't always run in to nice Mumsnetters like me

Oh give me a fucking break

PirateSmile · 26/03/2016 20:11

Maybe the mother of the child you found suffered delayed shock Whisky, or is depressed or maybe they're just a fucking shit parent

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 26/03/2016 20:14

I often don't 'appear' to react the way other people think I should be. It doesn't mean I'm not feeling all sorts of things inside. Who knows why and how different people react to things! Often there's a delayed reaction, when the enormity sets in. Or I am panicking inside, but appear calm on the surface. Or I think I'm appropriately upset about something, and people say afterwards I looked blank. That's just my facial expression. And there could be all sorts of similar reasons for her not looking the way you think she should look. Especially if she had both realised he was missing and realised he was found, in the same instant.

Yes, obviously she should have been keeping a better eye out, nobody denies that - but it happens, people think the child is with another person, they get distracted, etc. Not ideal, no, but doesn't make them awful parents. You just don't know the ins and outs of what might have been going out.

If she really didn't care about the child or his disappearance, that's awful, and nobody would disagree. it's just that you can't really judge that from this little snapshot. Of course you were right to return the child and look out for his welfare; that's what people do. I'm sure she is grateful for your help.

I don't think it's terribly fair to comment on how sweet he was, and suggest that makes him deserving of parents who care; I think any child deserves parents who care, however difficult they might be at times.

CamboricumMinor · 26/03/2016 20:17

Why post on MN about it? Assuming the mother is on here, what good has your post done - do you really think it's going to make her feel better?

FarrowandBallAche · 26/03/2016 20:20

But there could be hundreds of reasons why the mother reacted like she did Confused

Squiff85 · 26/03/2016 20:21

Crochet - Don't people check? If I think I am leaving my child with someone, I will ask, "you've got them yeah?" so they know they have them, and I don;t think I do.

Its not rocket science. People are just caught up in their own crap sometimes.