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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder if people look down on single women?

165 replies

honeynotcherry · 26/03/2016 13:51

I don't mean Mumsnet - don't mean lots of 'well I don't!' but in general is is the case?

I think I've been abandoned as a lost cause Grin but in the circles i know not getting married or staying single is definitely seen for women as being something to be pitied.

Is this a correct view, do you think?

OP posts:
lorelei9here · 27/03/2016 17:56

Vintage, if that is true, I am really looking forward to it but I have friends in their 50s who tell me male hassle is eternal.

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 18:05

I sort of enjoy it too. I get to go to sainsburys in my pjs Grin

As for male "hassle" I on-line date when I can be bothered.

20 year olds chase me
men my age chase their equivalent!

Crinkle77 · 27/03/2016 18:12

I am not single but I have experienced similar things to the OP. Have been with my partner for a number of years but we don't own our own home and are currently living in his parents while we save some money. We don't have children either. I sometimes feel that I am not taken seriously and that I am perhaps a little immature cos I don't have a mortgage or kids. Someone in work for example gave me a surprised look when talked about a meal I had made from scratch. Like they expected me to live on ready meals or something. Also we tend to get left out of things like everyone with kids will get invited to events and we get left out. I am sure they probably think that we wouldn't be interested in going to a kids party.

whattheseithakasmean · 27/03/2016 18:13

My mum definitely looks down on single women and divorced women for 'not bring able to keep a man'.

Her husband is vile & treats her like crap, but hey, at least she can keep her man.

I've no idea how I grew up so sensible...

Crinkle77 · 27/03/2016 18:13

but it would still be nice to be included.

lorelei9here · 27/03/2016 19:00

Crinkle "Like they expected me to live on ready meals or something"

I read that as the person commenting doesn't cook from scratch - which is fair enough too.

Whatisit - the thing about "keeping a man" makes me laugh, I no more want to "keep a man" than I do a pet rat! Grin

Birdsgottafly · 27/03/2016 21:12

I actually think that a lot of the posts show that single women are thought of in a certain way "she leads a fabulous life", "she's got a good career" etc, why can't you just be who you are, without having to have something (travel etc), to show that it's not so bad, being child free/single. It's like a compensation situation has to be stated.

If she was working as a cleaner and never went further than the UK, it doesn't make her any less valid or happy than the single businesswoman.

It is very true that we can just be who we are and not have to be doing something extraordinary and still be happy.

honeynotcherry · 27/03/2016 21:16

YY birds

OP posts:
Sunshowercap · 27/03/2016 21:50

Top post, birds

And put it in reverse- it's as if once she's married, a woman can stop, she doesn't have to do anything else.

peaceoftheaction · 27/03/2016 21:57

well said birds

whattheseithakasmean · 27/03/2016 22:03

Well said birds but I do like to think if I hadn't sporked my career by taking years out with my children, I would be more successful than wot I am.

museumum · 27/03/2016 22:06

If a person, male or female, has no partner or family, no job they love, no hobbies or passions, then in all honesty I personally can't understand how they can be happy. That's not to say I would "look down on them", but I would be pretty bamboozled.

lorelei9here · 27/03/2016 22:24

Birds "If she was working as a cleaner and never went further than the UK, it doesn't make her any less valid or happy than the single businesswoman. "

exactly. I don't have a great career. I don't travel much at all.

I did have the stereotype fab life in terms of being invited to all the right bars and gallery openings but I have got more introverted so rarely take up those invites. They also have nothing to do with being single and more to do with knowing those sorts of people.

I do wish I had a career I loved - but I don't ever sit and wish I had a partner (or children for that matter).

Museumum "If a person, male or female, has no partner or family, no job they love, no hobbies or passions, then in all honesty I personally can't understand how they can be happy. "

well, it depends on the person. What does "no family" mean, I don't have kids but I have family I'm close to. Also very close friends who are basically family - I know this from solid experience of major illness and them taking care of me. I have hobbies and interests/

but if a person doesn't have any of those things and yet potters along enjoying life, that's good isn't it? I don't feel that people have to tick anything on a list to be happy. If a person is happy doing their non-career job and watching TV each night or going to the pub, I think that's cool.

I feel a bit like the song in Chicago - "no, I'm no one's wife/but oh, I love my life".

Maybe because I don't fit into any particular stereotypes (that I know of) I don't expect anyone else to. The word "passion" is much overused IMO!

Pollaidh · 27/03/2016 22:35

No. But if I knew the friend was desperate to settle down I would do what I could to send nice eligible potential partners her way. If I knew she was happy as she was then I wouldn't.

I am also more than slightly jealous of single women's freedom, time, etc.

If she is single and has kids then I generally look at her in awe and wonder how on earth she survives.

incandescentalright · 27/03/2016 22:37

I definitely don't look down on single women, but I do have a couple of close friends who have been single for a while and really want to be in a relationship. That IS a difficult position to be in - there are wonderful things about being in a relationship (which isn't to say that I think it's what everyone should want or anything like that). I find it very hard to talk to them about it - I don't want to say "ohh you'll meet someone great eventually" (they might not) so I end up bigging up all the stuff that is great about them and that they can do while single - but then I think they think that I'm hinting that I think they'll never find a partner (I'm not). It's tricky.

Titsywoo · 27/03/2016 22:40

No why would I? I'm in my late 30's and have quite a few single friends. The only one I feel 'sad' for is my lovely friend who has had some shit luck with men and desperately wants to find a nice man to spend her life with and she really wants children. Sadly it is slim pickings out there even though she is so much fun and very attractive. I don't look down on her though - I'm not better than her!

EBearhug · 27/03/2016 23:54

I've been single most of my life, and once I left shared houses a few years after uni, I've never lived with anyone, either.

Mostly, it's not something I think about much. I miss sex sometimes, and I'd quite like someone else to take the bins out and mow the lawn and do the vacuuming once in a while, but that's about it.

I did have a male colleague who lectured me on approaching 30 and needing to find someone if I wanted children. I always felt I was not the one who needed lecturing; it's all the men who weren't interested in me in that way who did. Then, about a year ago, an ex said he couldn't understand why I'd never met someone and settled down. This struck me as an odd comment from someone who found someone who wasn't me and settled down with her instead of me - which is a good thing now, because there are things about him now which would drive me insane, but in my early 20s, I would have walked over hot coals for him. But I did wonder why he thought other men should behave differently from him, if he wouldn't.

I know I don't always get invited to parties, because a single woman is seen as an awkward addition by some people. But these days, most parties are for toddlers rather than grown ups anyway.

A bloke at work recently expressed amazement and awe that I went on holiday on my own. This was a holiday to a Spanish city, and then a yoga holiday. It wasn't really anything amazing, but he'd only ever been on holiday with his parents, a group of lads or his girlfriend/wife. I pointed out that if I didn't go on holiday on my own, I'd never go anywhere, and I've travelled half the world on my own. I found it odd that he seemed to think it's so amazing that someone would go on holiday on their own. See also: cinema, theatre, ballet, opera, etc. It's not like you can talk to anyone during those anyway.

I think most people just don't bother mentioning it - I'm in my 40s, and I've nearly always been single, so people are used to it. I did feel tempted to murder my aunt last year, though, who was going on about my cousins (her offspring) having produced children, and especially her son, who is the only one carrying on the family name. It was very clear that I was not worthy of being a full member of society, having not produced children. I smiled sweetly and had a massive feminist rant with some other cousins later.

emilybrontescorset · 28/03/2016 03:01

I have utmost respect for those who choose to be childless.

In fact I don't care weather someone is single or not. The thing that does bother me is those who treat their partner like dirt.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 28/03/2016 03:45

Interesting. I'm not single, but both my sisters are.

One desperately wants marriage and children. The other has no interest in either.

The former is constantly hassled about "time's wasting" and "biological clock" bullshit by my family. They don't seem to say anything to my other sister.

I cannot understand why. It actually seems pretty unfair, as my one sister wants all that and they're telling her to hurry it up. Like it's her fault.

bertsdinner · 28/03/2016 08:44

I think Birds made a good point, it is like you have to compensate somehow. I also dont get people who "admire" single people. I know they mean well, but why? Im happy as a single woman, I am a quiet introvert living a not very exciting life that I enjoy and am satisfied with,that's all. Being single and childless is my choice, not second best, not a sacrifice, so I dont get the admiration thing.
A friend at work once told she "admired me for doing my own thing", but dont we all, within reason, live the lives we want? I wouldnt admire her for being married with 2 kids, I just think it's her life.
I think most people just cant understand anyone actually wanting to be on their own, so they come out with all these "explanations".

Gabilan · 28/03/2016 09:24

It actually seems pretty unfair, as my one sister wants all that and they're telling her to hurry it up. Like it's her fault

It's also quite risky. I've never been hugely driven towards marriage and children but I have thought about and I have felt that pressure. The worst mistake I made in my life was getting into a totally unsuitable relationship at the age of 34 because of all these pressures and assumptions. I made sacrifices to stay with him. After a year he walked away from the relationship and carried on as before. My career, 10 years later, has never recovered from the decisions I made in order to stay with him.

That pressure, IMO, is what leads so many women to accept relationships that are at best just not right for them and at worst are downright abusive.

lorelei9here · 28/03/2016 10:40

berts "A friend at work once told she "admired me for doing my own thing", but dont we all, within reason, live the lives we want?"

I used to think that. Now I think the people who make those comments have only got with someone because they can't cope alone - hence the comment to us.

emily - why do you admire those who are childfree? I am childfree but I couldn't have changed my mind on that if you paid me a fortune. Well, I might have adopted some if you gave me £10million and I didn't have to live in the same house as them....but no, any realistic scenario, no, no way.

Elendon · 28/03/2016 11:17

I'm newly divorced single woman with three children. I've had great support from friends and family. The divorce was a shock due to his going off with someone else. I don't envy coupledom, I never judge those who are single. I've been away on my own and the only comment I got was from a childless couple who said please be careful!

My married best friends invite me to their social gatherings with couples and other single women. We single women always end up sitting next to the married men, who are also good friends, nothing sinister in it, and we love their company and are glad to go back alone, a bit like being an auntie I suppose.

I love being on my own, I enjoy socialising, and I also go on holidays with single friends or family.

I can't see myself living with a significant other ever again, I would hope he values his independence as much as me. I'm not looking though, have had enough of online dating for now.

Trills · 28/03/2016 11:26

dont we all, within reason, live the lives we want?

It'd be nice to believe that.
I think it'd be more realistic to say that we all live the lives we think we can achieve.
I think that a lot of people live lives that are not as they would want, either because it's not within reach or because they think that it's not within reach and so they don't try to change things. Or maybe they just don't know how to change things to make their lives more as they would want.

cleaty · 28/03/2016 11:32

People don't look down on young single women. Yes many do look down on older single women without kids. Although research shows that women who choose to be single, are statistically the happiest group of people.