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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if people look down on single women?

165 replies

honeynotcherry · 26/03/2016 13:51

I don't mean Mumsnet - don't mean lots of 'well I don't!' but in general is is the case?

I think I've been abandoned as a lost cause Grin but in the circles i know not getting married or staying single is definitely seen for women as being something to be pitied.

Is this a correct view, do you think?

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 26/03/2016 14:37

One of my friends is single (she's in her late 30's) and has been since I've known her apart from the odd fling here and there. We were talking about this recently and she reckons it's not so much people 'looking down' on her as feeling sorry for her, which drives her up the wall. She confided that she feels she has to go to a lot of effort to project an image of someone living a fabulous, busy but simultaneously care-free life all the time (both in RL and on social media) or people assume she's sad and lonely and start doing the sympathetic head-tilt thing and "aah, don't worry, you'll meet someone one day". This is definitely something I have noticed as she posts a lot of stuff on FB about how "blessed" she feels with her amazing career and social life (#loving life etc.) ans at times it comes across as bordering on smug, which really isn't her at all. The truth is somewhere in the middle, most of the time she's happy to be single but, like anything else, it has it's downsides and she feels lonely from time to time. I think it's ridiculous that she can't admit that without people patronising her, feeling sorry for her and trying to insist on setting her up with every bloke they know.

pigsDOfly · 26/03/2016 14:49

I suspect some people do, if not necessarily 'look down' on them, they will often pity them in some way because there are still people out there who think a woman needs a man to make them a whole person, and any man is better than no man.

Exh's widowed SIL married someone she really didn't love or want to spend the rest of her life with because she just couldn't accept that she could have a life without a man in the home and he was probably going to be her last chance to find a second husband.

I was married for 22 years and have been divorced for 17. I love being single. Even when the DC were younger and life was sometimes heavy going, I still preferred being on my own. Now they all have their own homes and it's just me and the dog I'm in heaven. Having said that I'm probably someone who prefers to live alone anyway.

Gabilan · 26/03/2016 14:51

I post a lot on social media about my cats. Because I like to take a cliché and run with it.

CamboricumMinor · 26/03/2016 14:52

Yes. Whenever my DSis goes to a social event for one of her DCs clubs all the married couples sit together and she sits alone. If she arrives first then nobody sits with her when they arrive, she's even been told that only married couples can sit at the table when she has tried to sit with somebody. I went with her once and people assumed that I was her civil partner!

MidnightAura · 26/03/2016 14:57

I think you are right. Sadly.

When I was single I used to get the "oh you have plenty of time left yet for all that" comments. I wouldn't mind but I was in my twenties. I still experience it now because I don't have children. (Not for want of trying)

TimeToMuskUp · 26/03/2016 15:02

My best friend and DC's Godmother is single, childless and mid-thirties. She is fantastic, a great Godmother to the foolish DC's (who love her beyond measure) but has always, since we were 11, maintained that marriage and DCs were not for her. I think having a close friend like her has always reminded me that just because people don't make my life choices doesn't exclude them from my life. Lots of our mutual friends (and my MIL) ask regularly "has she met anyone yet" as though her life's goal is to find a partner. MIL especially feels that she is a threat to my marriage; that married women can't ever truly trust their single friends.

I think there really is an attitude that women aren't quite complete without a partner and that women who are happily single must be fooling themselves. It's incredibly patronising and fairly rude.

TowerRavenSeven · 26/03/2016 15:11

I was single until age 36 and I did find this to be the case because of my work. I worked as a civil servant. The women I knew that had higher paying careers were seen less in that light I believe. I've been married 15 years ago so that wasn't 'too' long ago. That might just have been my perception but it seemed the single men around me were perceived as having 'lots' of time whereas if the woman wasn't married while she could still bear children then she had 'lost out'.

TeaAddict235 · 26/03/2016 15:13

No, I have a lot of admiration for both childfree women and non married women.

For the childfree single woman, some do want children and can't, whereas others don't want children.

For the non married woman, if she is a believer of some sort (Christian, jewish, muslim etc) there is a lot of pressure for her to get married and stay the "f" away from everyother woman's husband (as my best friend so aptly put it).

Trills · 26/03/2016 15:37

There is to some extent a sense that you are not "doing being a woman properly" if you are not either in a couple or seeking to be in one, and once in a couple seeking to be married, and once married seeking to have children.

People seem to have a lot of opinions on how to "be a woman" in the correct manner.

bertsdinner · 26/03/2016 17:10

Im single, no children and in my 40s. Im happy to be single and childless.
Ive never felt looked down on or pitied, but to be honest I couldnt really care less what other people think anyway, so maybe I've just never noticed.
People do occasionally try and put upon you at work when you are single, ie cover sickness, late shifts. I refuse point blank to do it, so now they know not to ask.

Birdsgottafly · 26/03/2016 17:41

I was widowed quite young and had three young children.

I think people accept a 'grieving period', but once I was persuing a sex life, rather than a relationship, everyone had an opinion on it. I think many people think that you need to be in a relationship, or you are 'damaged' in some way.

Even on the Feminist board on here, there are posters who think that Women who have multiple partners without relationships are in denial and have low self worth.

I got into a relationship because of other people, when I come out of it, I realised that I had been happy as I was.

Many people just seem to not be able to process that some of us don't want a relationship and if did, I know that I don't want to live with someone ever again.

I think sexually active single women are pitied by many and your regarded as a bit of a joke if your happy to have F Buddies.

Now I'm a 'sexually active older woman' who doesn't want a relationship, there's a whole load of stuff that others just can't get their head around and look down on me for.

I don't go near any man with any connection whatso ever of a ongoing relationship.

DontMindMe1 · 26/03/2016 18:25

know what boils my piss? people labelling me 'childless'.........it's called being CHILDFREE! Angry Angry

Not all women - single or coupled - feel like having children.

zoomtothespoon · 26/03/2016 18:27

I quite envy single women Smile

Lockheart · 26/03/2016 18:37

I am terminally single and in my late-20s. It's not so much pity, but the assumption that I'm out to get "their man" does grind a little.

That said, no-one looks down on me, because I'm 5'11" Grin (6'2" when I'm wearing heels!).

lottielou7 · 26/03/2016 18:41

Yes. Or they keep you out of their social circle because they think you might steal their husband.

I'm divorced btw. Although lately I've become good friends with a woman in a similar position to me. This is highly unusual - I don't easily aquire female friends. Probably because I have AS. But I do have so called friends who admit that they don't like me to be around their husbands Hmm this is entirely because of how their husbands behave around other women.

lottielou7 · 26/03/2016 18:42

Cross posts lock heart!

Allofaflumble · 26/03/2016 18:47

I have been married and had some longterm relationships and I imagine some of my family think it is a shame I haven't found Mr Right.

On reflection though, I prefer my life as a singleton and am much happier, though obviously have my moments.

What gets me is sometimes you might ask a married friend to do something and they say "oh I'll have to see what Dave is doing
Will get back to you" which could be an excuse or they would put you second after seeing if Dave has a better offer!
Just coffee or something simple and a couple of hours.

Arfarfanarf · 26/03/2016 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MewlingQuim · 26/03/2016 18:53

I did used to get along really well with the single and childless colleagues of my own age.

Right up until I got pregnant.

Then they completely stopped speaking to me and have been really cold ever since. I think they saw me as one of 'them' and now see me some kind of a traitor Confused

I didn't become a mother until I was 40 and I did feel rather excluded from conversations with those who did have a family, but I don't think it is because they looked down on me, more that those with husbands/children assume you will be bored with their chatter of mundane family life Grin

cruikshank · 26/03/2016 19:04

Birdsgottafly, yy to attitudes towards being a sexually active older woman not in a relationship. A lot of men don't get it - think I need taking care of, think I'm looking for a father figure for the kids, think I'm hiding my neediness etc. A lot of women don't get it either - think it's low self-respect, think I'm after their husbands (err, no, love), think it's just a matter of time before I 'settle down' again etc.

The one group of people who I've found are more accepting and don't project stuff onto the situation that isn't there are young single men ... which is nice and definitely has its, aherm, benefits!

Runner05 · 26/03/2016 19:12

I've had completely the opposite experience. I never felt looked down on or left out as a single woman but the moment I got into a serious relationship all my single friends made it clear that they thought I was crazy and that my life was over (I was 32 when I met my OH FFS) I got lots of very patronising comments about how they wouldn't want to deal with someone else hanging around all the time and how they wouldn't be prepared to modify their lives for someone else and how my life would now change and I couldn't expect to be able to hang out the way we had. They also stopped inviting to go out with them and our wider group of friends all of whom were also single.
It was very sad and eventually ended in me not bothering with them any more.

Conversely, when I was single all of my married/coupled friends were lovely to me and never made me feel looked down on or left out and after I met OH their behaviour towards me didn't change one bit.

IloveAntbuthateDec · 26/03/2016 19:18

All the (childless) single women I know above the age of 30 have careers and are well travelled. They lead very full and exciting lives. I think there is a huge difference between a single lady and a single mother who has 10 kids by 10 different fathers........

NickiFury · 26/03/2016 19:26

Do single mothers with 10 kids by 10 different fathers actually exist then? And what is the difference?

lorelei9here · 26/03/2016 19:32

OP, I'm single and I thought that people did look down on that, or have concerns, or be pitying about it.

Now I've crossed 40 and I'm very happy, it doesn't get mentioned. It was only weird people who said much anyway - some acquaintances from my volunteer work, friends of parents, couple of neighbours.

I think that people eventually swallow that if you are single and happy there's nothing to look down on. That said, I'm careful who I mix with so the sort of person who looks down on singletons isn't really the type I'd mix with - and similarly they don't seek me out.

Vast majority of friends and acquaintances are coupled up.

I am still a bit surprised when people ask about it in passing e.g. my elderly neighbour now has to have a care worker in twice a day. I am often round there visiting and literally the first time the carer met me she said "ah yes, Lorelei, I've heard your name...are you married?" I was a bit WTF? My sis thought perhaps the carer was sizing up the friends to see who has how much time for the neighbour but I don't think so. I can't put my finger on it but I didn't get a sense that was the reason for the question.

lorelei9here · 26/03/2016 19:33

PS there's also often an assumption that I don't have kids because of being single

the reality is I'm childfree - I never wanted children and when I did date, I never dated a man who was keen to have children, that would have been the end of the realtionship anyway.