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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not wanting to look after DH'S grandson.

52 replies

warriorwoman · 21/03/2016 16:13

Aibu to not want to look after DH'S granddaughter, age 8? We have been together for 20 years and I get on ok with his DD, but we are not close & she can be very selfish and ungrateful. I've looked after her in the past, but she is very spoilt and a bit of a brat, so I am reluctant to anymore. My DD is working, so has asked me, but I have said no. Aibu?

OP posts:
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 21/03/2016 16:16

so is it your step grandson, or step grand daughter, and what has your dd to do with it working or otherwise

very confused OP!

bornwithaplasticspoon · 21/03/2016 16:20

Do you mean asa regular childcare arrangement?

Say no if you don't want to do it. Easy.

Birdsgottafly · 21/03/2016 16:23

Well you've made it clear that she can't rely on you and you've no intention of have a proper Grandmother relationship with the child, I suppose that's your prerogative.

I think that it's a shame, speaking as a Nan and someone who regards my DHs (now deceased so no obligation, as such) grandson, a close family member.

I don't understand attitudes such as yours tbh, or Parents/Grandparents that are happy with their other half holding such attitudes.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 21/03/2016 16:26

YANBU. I don't understand why people expect stepparents/grand stepparents in this case, to be at the parents' beck and call, especially when it comes to childcare. So entitled.

mumofthemonsters808 · 21/03/2016 16:27

You're not being unreasonable in my eyes, I'd see if looking after her clashed with my arrangements for the day or if I felt in the mood for minding a child. There again, I'm very selective about minding children and have no intentions of ever becoming a put upon Grandma. Just don't make any promises you cant keep, if its not convenient just tell her.

JanetOfTheApes · 21/03/2016 16:29

Grandson or grand daughter? What has your DD got to do with his DD?

Say no if you don't want to. But say it more clearly than you've posted here, otherwise it might look like yes instead.

IcingandSlicing · 21/03/2016 16:34

You are in your right to refuse of course your life is yours.
But I bet the mother won't be too happy about it.
Having kids puts you in that weird situation when you ahve to rely on family, friends and even complete strangers to look after your most precious - your kids.
Nobbody is obliged to do it, but well, it's a gesture of kindness that I imagine the parents will remember.
Unless they are some full of themselves ingrates.

firesidechat · 21/03/2016 16:42

Well I've told my daughter that I won't provide childcare as well and we have a wonderful relationship. I'm quite happy to baby sit whenever and spend lots of time with them, but I don't want to do regular childcare. On that basis I would say that you are perfectly within your rights.

shazzarooney99 · 21/03/2016 16:53

If you have refused your own daughter then you should be refusing the gd its only fair.

curren · 21/03/2016 17:00

Are you saying you won't baby sit or you want to forbid your dh looking after his own GD

mummytime · 21/03/2016 17:00

I assume the last DD should have been a DH.

Is this to be a regular arrangement or a one off?
Personally in an emergency I would do it if it's possible/convenient.
BUT no grandparent has an obligation to regularly look after a grandchild, being a step-grandparent involves even less obligation.

I would try to mend bridges with your husband's daughter though, try to find things you get on about. And do allow her to have grown up. It can be hard in families to break out of roles that others have constructed for us, even when we've grown up a lot in all other circumstances.

Lunar1 · 21/03/2016 17:02

Does your dh want to look after his grandchild?

Cuttheraisins · 21/03/2016 17:03

So entitled? She was asked, that's all. She can and has said no. Why on earth is that so entitled? I think op you are very unreasonable to call an 8 year very spoiled and a bit of a brat, I wouldn't want you to look after my kids. Goes both ways.

Notso · 21/03/2016 17:04

My DD is working so asked me
I think this is meant to say my DH is working so asked me.

firesidechat · 21/03/2016 17:06

Also is this a grandson or granddaughter? It's different in the title and text. Strange to get that basic fact wrong.

araiba · 21/03/2016 17:06

i thinks its for the best that you don't

the way you talk about an 8 year old is horrifying

MissingPanda · 21/03/2016 17:06

YANBU you don't have to provide anyone with free childcare.

firesidechat · 21/03/2016 17:08

the way you talk about an 8 year old is horrifying

It is a bit.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2016 17:09

As a general rule children shouldn't be looked after by people who don't like them. So YANBU.

I would, however, think about the future and what kind of relationship you want in 10 or 20 years. Some of the nicest adults I know were bratty selfish 8 year olds.

Osolea · 21/03/2016 17:10

Some children are spoiled and display bratty behaviour, so I think it's fine for you to feel that way about your step grand daughter. I don't think we should be obliged to feel that all children are automatically a delightful pleasure to be around.

YANBU OP. If there was an emergency or some sort of one off appointment that really needed you to look after your SGD, then it would be a bit mean not to, but otherwise, it's fine to say no.

LagunaBubbles · 21/03/2016 17:12

Is it a one off or a regular arrangement?

SerenityReynolds · 21/03/2016 17:14

If it's a one off babysitting favour, I think YABU.

For regular childcare, YANBU

expatinscotland · 21/03/2016 17:17

One off or regular arrangement?

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 21/03/2016 17:22

Why is she being unreasonable if she's refusing to do a one off favour?

NataliaOsipova · 21/03/2016 17:29

I don't think YABU at all if you just refuse politely and pleasantly (eg "So sorry but I'm busy that day" rather than "No - she's a brat"!).

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