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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not wanting to look after DH'S grandson.

52 replies

warriorwoman · 21/03/2016 16:13

Aibu to not want to look after DH'S granddaughter, age 8? We have been together for 20 years and I get on ok with his DD, but we are not close & she can be very selfish and ungrateful. I've looked after her in the past, but she is very spoilt and a bit of a brat, so I am reluctant to anymore. My DD is working, so has asked me, but I have said no. Aibu?

OP posts:
firesidechat · 21/03/2016 17:31

So which is it op, one off or regular?

sleeponeday · 21/03/2016 17:32

You're under no obligation, no, but it's a shame. Childcare is a horrendous problem for working parents. I only work part-time and it's incredibly flexible, but I often wonder when I have to make alternative arrangements with work, just how the hell working parents in full-time, conventional-hour roles manage it.

sleeponeday · 21/03/2016 17:34

Not that it's your problem, I hasten to add! I just wish there were a solution that didn't rely on family back-up, because for most who use it, that has complications, and of course many can't.

BeetrootBetty · 21/03/2016 18:41

From what I can see OP had looked after the child before and doesn't enjoy it, in addition her step daughter can behave selfishly and be ungrateful.

I have an 8 year old who I love with all my life but I can quite see that 8 year olds can not always be a delight to be around - how strange that people have a problem with OP saying that.

YANBU to not want to look after this child. However if your DH said he would and then got called into work it might be a kindness to him to do it.

Your call, certainly no obligation.

Backingvocals · 21/03/2016 19:03

Why is she unreasonable. The actual grandad isn't stepping up to do it. Why should women feel morally bound to provide childcare to anyone when actual blood relatives have got better things to do?

Gottagetmoving · 21/03/2016 19:16

Do what you like, it's up to you.
If it's not a regular thing I think it's a bit mean if you can but won't.
They are family,...or should be considered family if you have been with your DH for 20 years.

SerenityReynolds · 21/03/2016 19:31

Can'twait because it's nice to help out family (and others) where you can if they really need it. The OP may not be that fond of the granddaughter, but if the parents are really stuck on this one occasion, she is a bit mean to refuse, even though she is well within her rights to.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 21/03/2016 19:41

If you've been together 20 years, and the grandchild is only 8, surely she's your grandchild too? What a bizarre look out otherwise.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/03/2016 20:43

I think op means her step daughter isn't grateful when op has helped out in to past looking after her child /granddaughter

For a one off I would do it if free that day

Perm no

2rebecca · 21/03/2016 20:50

If you've been together 20 years and the child is only 8 is she not your grand daughter as well as you will have always have been married to her grandad in her eyes.
8 year old girls can be hard work but if you see her regularly you may build a bond with her. My stepkids are close to their grandfather's second wife and see her as a granny (although their mother wasn't keen when they were young due to her mother objecting and they call her by her first name). I'd hope to be a granny type figure to my stepkids children (but accept they may also not want me to have a granny type name which I think is sad but I'll go with it)

DaphneWhitethigh · 21/03/2016 20:53

I dunno Voldy. Given the age women have babies nowadays the SD could be in her mid forties and have been an independent adult living on the other side of the country when the OP became her stepmother. In that case she probably wouldn't have maternal feelings towards the SD or view the SD's children as her own GC.

2016namechangecomingalong · 21/03/2016 20:53

I have been with DH over 20yrs and 'he' has a grandson aged 10. I do very much consider him my grandson too though.

It seems strange that when you've been in the picture so long before the birth that you don't consider your role a grandparent one.

2rebecca · 21/03/2016 20:53

Agree with others that if she's after a regular commitment it's fine to say no. I don't want to get an extra job as a childminder when I eventually retire, but then I never had free family childcare for my kids. helping out on an adhoc basis is fine.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 21/03/2016 20:57

My stepdad is Gramdad to my daughter.
He takes every opportunity to see her, spend time with her, and contributes financially (bus pass, phone contract)
He absolutely adores her and I can't imagine anyone even suggesting he is not her Grandad.

This thread has made me appreciate him more than ever.

suchafuss · 22/03/2016 04:22

My SM has this attitude. I don't expect her to be free child care, but she makes sure every school holiday that they are away. She also makes crule comments about my DC to other members of my family(just as you have done). Oh and I don't see either of them now, because they are meant to be my family, and family love and support you. I think you sound just like her, dreadful.

leelu66 · 22/03/2016 05:09

suchafuss

So the OP is 'dreadful' because she doesn't want to look after a child she is not close to?

Well done for projecting your feelings for your stepmother on to the OP.

Spandexpants007 · 22/03/2016 05:48

Op you seem very negative about this child. Have you bonded properly with them?

nooka · 22/03/2016 06:06

My FIL has been with his partner for a similarly long time, but he was an adult when they got together and he doesn't consider her to be his stepmother, or our children (born after they had become a permanent item) to have any close relationship with her. Not because she isn't a perfectly nice person, but just because fundamentally she is not his mother. I can't image ever asking her to look after our children (when they were young enough to need looking after). Having said that we never asked FIL to either. But then my parents only ever had our children in the holidays at times of their choosing, and I've no objection to that either.

ArmchairTraveller · 22/03/2016 06:27

What's been happening with this 8 year old up to this point?
If you were feeling generous, as others have suggested, you could be the emergency back up if after school club/ care fails, but not only can 8 year olds be a stroppy PITA, dealing with them and then the consequences with the parent can be dodgy ground too.
It's reasonable to look carefully at a minefield before deciding if you want to try crossing it. How long is DD asking you to look after the child?
Do you have any children of your own? Is she an only child, or could this be the beginning of a chain which will see you looking after other grandchildren?
YANBU to decide what and which family expectations you take on.

suchafuss · 22/03/2016 06:41

leelu66 she has been with the guy 20 years! in all honesty it sounds like she has made zero effort to be involved wit this child. No need for me to project to think she doesn't sound like a nice person, and many would agree looking at other posts.

kittybiscuits · 22/03/2016 06:45

It's fine for you to say no. And definitely best for the child. I doubt anyone is expecting you to say yes. Come to think of it, does your step child even know that your OH has asked you?

firesidechat · 22/03/2016 07:52

This is the op's first post under this name since May 2014 and they aren't exactly rushing to engage. I doubt we will get any answers to our questions.

LagunaBubbles · 22/03/2016 09:28

OP why start a thread and then not come back? I get people have lives outside MN but one post and then nothing?

firesidechat · 22/03/2016 09:34

It's bloody annoying isn't it. The op wan't even getting a bashing either.

Eva50 · 22/03/2016 09:50

I consider my dsd's little boy to be my Grandson. She would like me to provide childcare but I don't want to. My dc don't have children yet but I would feel the same with them. However I am happy to have him for a few hours or an odd day to let her get out or any time in an emergency. I think it depends on what she is asking of you.