AIBU to think that the families of people with Mental Illness need more help than we get, because getting support is near on impossible [title amended by MNHQ at OP's request]

[VioletVaccine]

I was going to NC but thought if I did, because of the contents I'd be labelled goady or a troll, I don't know.

I just want to know, Why is it, if you have a mental illness diagnosis, you can get away with anything you want to, at the cost of people being hurt, mentally and physically?

A member of my family is very ill, but nobody will do anything. Nobody at all will help, and it's making everyone involved in he life ill themselves.
Her parents are 79 and 80 years old. Yet still have to listen and travel and maintain her home and personal care because she won't clean, won't cook, won't move out of her house to buy food, and just screams at them daily, the most disgusting things. Her mother cries to me on the phone that she thinks one day she's going to just fall asleep and not wake up, and sometimes she hopes that she does, because she knows what she's waking up to.

I've moved house and moved town to escape the upset, of her walking into my home, screaming at my children and at me, accusing DH of false imprisonment, and of murder, sending Police to my home because she believes we are all political prisoners, so we left and moved into another County. I tried and tried to get her help, but she refuses medication. Says it makes her tired and fat. This has been said after every single medication switch, from tablets to a depot injection.
But now, the MHS have deemed fit to discharge her, and said its against her human rights to be medicated against her will.

Now, we are having to look at moving house again, because she found people online to find out our address and landline phone number for her (even though we're ex directory, and not on the main electoral register), and now uses that information to hound us.

I have told her, over and over and over, and over again, to leave me alone. I've honestly begged in tears for her to stop. I can't listen to the outlandish and to be honest, disgusting delusions and hallucinations anymore.
I've had enough. I've heard them for 20 years, but distanced myself from her 10 years ago because she refused help every time, was Sectioned three times in different districts but appealed each one, and was released, and then the very same day started to upset and disturb my children.

She absolutely refuses to see that she is ill. She says her medical records and psychiatric reports have been falsified, the doctors used her for experiments into genital mutilation and implanting pregnancies in her which they then removed (this is all in the UK by the way, no cultural or religious reason for her to think she's been victim of FGM).

She attacked in the street late last year, gouges in my arms and bruises on my neck and back, but when I phoned the police they said they couldn't arrest her as she is mentally ill, and they would have to refer it on to her local mental health services.

I have contacted the local MHS in her area, the Crisis Team, and the Police there even, because she has threatened to travel and get into my home here "to make sure I know straight from her face".
She has harrassed DD1 who is a child, messaging about how the Royal Family personally sanctioned her rape and her mutilation, and that her DDad (my DH) keeps me locked up which is why I don't talk to her any more.

I can't take this anymore. I've kept all texts and phone records, and there are literally dozens and dozens of messages from both me, DH and her own Parents, to leave us alone. I'm done trying to help when she won't help herself.

Today, the Police have come AGAIN to check on my welfare, despite me explaining to them the last fucking time, that she is mentally ill with a formal diagnosis.
I'm taking mood stabilisers, beta blockers and Diazepam from my GP at the moment because I can't breathe properly, can't sleep, and just go between sadness and rage that nobody will do anything to help.

The MHS tell me to contact the Crisis Team, if it's that urgent.
The Crisis Team told me to contact the police if I feel threatened or if she is a danger to herself,or anyone else.
And the POLICE just told me their hands are tied, because there's different provisions for handling the mentally ill, than general public.

I live a quiet and happy life normally, just me, DCs and DH, but this is making things hell. I can't sleep, DH is really upset he's publicly being labelled a wife beater and keeping me under house arrest, and our DCs are feeling the knock on effect because I jump when the door knocks, the phone rings, and dread knowing what's next, and nobody will help.

Can someone please tell me what the hell I can do, because I can't see a way forward and out of this.
Get a mental health diagnosis, and you can so what you want.

How do I get her treatment, or someone to at least do something, before I crack up? What the hell do I do?

No, I just had an almost immediate response to reporting the on thread troll hunter.

After an hour still no action taken re the title

Sorry troll hunters on another thread

Actually someone is working as if just seen HQ post on a thread that's turned into a bunfight

and x-post sorry

One of my dearest and oldest friends (I've been friends with him since 1984) "lost" his mother to a mental health crisis and psychosis when he was a child. She was quite literally taken away by men in white coats, a day he remembers vividly. She has had to live in an institution since then but is still alive and well. He recently shared a picture on Facebook of his birthday visit to her, a very bright and young-looking woman in her late 70s. I take it this sort of long term care no longer exists for people with the most severe illnesses?

Thankfully no we don't institutionalise for life anymore. Well not unless serous and horrific crimes are committed as a result of mental illness anyway.

But we still haven't quite reached what is needed with care in the community

redshoeblueshoe thank you. I think you, and others, know just what I mean in my thread, without picking through and dissecting undertones that weren't even there in the first place.

OP, I would second contacting your MP. See if you can see them face to face at a surgery.

Ffs I can't believe people are reading the op and then having a go about it. It's a long time since I've read such a pain filled post and I really feel for you op, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Somebody said a few post back -

I really wish people would please stop derailing this thread and making it about them.
This is about the OP and her very unwell parent. Cut her some slack.

The only thing I would disagree with is that this thread isn't about the op's mum, it's all about the op and her family and how she feels. It sounds like the first time in 20+ years she's trying to put herself centre stage instead of her mum and there's nothing wrong with her doing that.

Thankfully no we don't institutionalise for life anymore. Well not unless serous and horrific crimes are committed as a result of mental illness anyway. But we still haven't quite reached what is needed with care in the community

Actually, I think you would be incredibly surprised to find out how many people who suffer acutely would actually welcome a return to lifetime 'institutionalisation'.

They get really, really ill. They're hospitalised until they're stabilised (but not better, they'll never be completely better) and then they're sent out into the community and they, their families, health professionals all know that it's only a matter of time until the whole cycle starts again. And it's often accelerated by the stress of dealing with every day stuff like bills, cleaning, washing.

That's part of the reason why services like the police are so reluctant to get involved, because if they deal with it three months later they're called out to the same person doing the same things all over again.

Mental health services just patch up the immediate crisis and there doesn't seem to be any care for patients long term well being. It's almost like the equivalent of cancer patients going into remission and being sent home with 5,000 fags and a vat of wine because the immediate problems been cured, so who cares if as soon as they get home the problems just start all over again.

Billsykes - I am a MH service user. I am married to a MH service user who has had periods of psychosis. I have a very dear friend who suffers paranoid schizophrenia.

That any of us would like to be permanently institutionalised is quite a terrifying suggestion. We get unwell. We get better.

The OPs relative is certainly in need of urgent treatment, and causing a huge amount of pain due to her illness. But to institutionalise permanently would be to say that Mental illness is untreatable. It may be hard to treat, and difficult to treat, but it's not impossible and we should try harder to treat illness.

Should we lock cancer patients away because we can't cure cancer? No - we treat it.

As with any other illness - we need more effective treatments to prevent suffering all round

They get really, really ill. They're hospitalised until they're stabilised (but not better, they'll never be completely better) and then they're sent out into the community and they, their families, health professionals all know that it's only a matter of time until the whole cycle starts again. And it's often accelerated by the stress of dealing with every day stuff like bills, cleaning, washing.

This is exactly what we have with Fil. I could have written that myself. His social worker told us she has fifty patients a week. She has to see ten different people every day and travel to and fro in between. There doesn't seem to be any more than that, support wise. That's it.

Glad to see the title has been amended.
Violet - yes its really sad so many of us understand

Evening all,

We're extremely sorry for the delay here. We've been having technical issues with the reports system tonight and many reports simply haven't come through. Our Tech team have been on the case and we're now dealing with the backlog.

We have now amended the title at the OP's request. We're really sorry that this delay has caused more distress for you, Violet, when you're already feeling so very low.

If you'd like us to move this thread over to our Mental Health topic, we can easily do that for you.

for you and your family, Violet.

Thank you DawnMNHQ

Wow Op all i can say is im so sorry you are going through this, I dont know what to say tbh.

pigeon, I am aware that a lot of people wouldn't want to have long term or permanent stays in hospital and I'm not suggesting that going back to locking people who aren't dangerous up against their will would be a good thing.

But the option just isn't there now even for people who want it and for people who are very ill it just becomes a carousel of short term ineffective hospital stays which don't help much but can decimate support like housing then being spat back out only partially recovered into even worse situations.

Or people who can't cope with or understand how to manage their illnesses alone and would do far better with consistent long term support than just short term crisis management.

And that's all NHS mental health care really is now, managing the cases that have got to a worst case scenario and not any sort of preventative measures to stop people getting their in the first place, as the OP has found out. It's all reactive to serious problems rather than proactive to stop people getting there. Long-term in patient care can be useful in stopping people reaching the very worst levels of illness.

Thank you to everyone for the advice I've been given, and the virtual hand holding too.
I got a few dreadful and threatening texts yesterday evening, and then one which said there's nothing left she can do, and "Goodbye."
I called the Police who went around to do a Welfare Check on her because she was not answering her phone and i was worried she'd do something stupid, but when they got there she was just in a screaming state, they tried to calm her but she assaulted and poured a drink over one of the officers, so she was detained while a doctor was called, and they admitted her into hospital last night.
I've told my DGPs to tell her if she asks, that it was me that made the call because I don't want her to give them abuse thinking they've conspired to have her locked up (she's said similar before when she's been taken to hospital).

I don't know if it will do any good, or if the doctors there would listen to me anyway, but I'm going to ring them and just say she's a really reluctant patient and if they prescribed her oral medication she will just stop taking it the second she's released. So if they think she needs medication, something that they can monitor she's definitely having like a depot injection would maybe better than trusting her to take pills. Like I said earlier on this thread, she is a really difficult patient to treat because she genuinely does not believe she's ill. She thinks everyone else is mental for not believing her (her words).

I am going to follow some advice given earlier and try to find a support group local to me, I think it would help to be able to talk to people openly on how hard and draining it is. A lot of the time it does feel hopeless, and it's not a school gate conversation so I don't talk about it really.

Thank you for everyone's advice and support x

but I'm going to ring them and just say she's a really reluctant patient and if they prescribed her oral medication she will just stop taking it the second she's released.

Yes, do, Violet. The whole unvarnished truth of the worst case scenario, not what she's like on the odd good day. I know that, for some people, that can feel like a bit of a betrayal, but it's really not: it's actual helpful in providing a full picture of how poorly she's functioning in the world. And I think the more straightforward and open you can be, the better it is for your own state of mind. So, do also try and find some support for yourself too.

I am so sorry you are facing such a difficult situation. It sounds so distressing.

I saw your original thread title and I understood what you meant. I have a relative who becomes aggressive and violent when his mental illness is at its worst. His wife and children bear the brunt of the violence (and the scars to prove it). However, he has never attacked an adult man, and he stopped attacking his sons as soon as they grew big enough to fight back. Although some people in the extended family excuse him by saying he can't help himself (and he says the same), I believe he can. He reserves his violent behaviour for people who are smaller and weaker than he is, which indicates to me that he has some self-control, even when he is most dangerous to others. Obviously, he is just one individual and certainly not representative of all people who suffer from mental illnesses.

I hope you are able to access some real help for your mother and for yourself.

My Fil has some understanding of his situation and manipulates it, I believe. When I took him to see his GP because he thought his neighbours wanted to kill him, he sat there and said 'oh I don't really believe any of that stuff'. So why bloody say it then?

We had to attend a meeting with him at the mental health unit. The whole family and three or four social workers, a psychiatrist, doctors, etc. He tried to tell them what he thought they wanted to hear until we all said um, no, that's complete rubbish! And then he denied that he couldn't wash or cook. And said he'd take his medication perfectly well by himself. Which we all know to be a complete lie. He's off it again now.

I don't know where he thinks this is all going. I think he expects us to run round after him for the rest of his life. That's not going to happen unfortunately, we have young families and they are our priority. He wasn't much of a dad himself and he doesn't understand.

Can you go no contact? It sounds like you being so connected to the situation (calling the police, speaking to DR's) is causing you so much stress. I don't know why you wouldn't ignore her completely?

Now, we are having to look at moving house again, because she found people online to find out our address and landline phone number for her (even though we're ex directory, and not on the main electoral register), and now uses that information to hound us.

I have told her, over and over and over, and over again, to leave me alone. I've honestly begged in tears for her to stop.

You are effectively suggesting to someone that they go no-contact with their stalker, after they have moved their entire life to what was effectively a secret location, only to be found. How can someone go no-contact with a stalker?

I am going to follow some advice given earlier and try to find a support group local to me, I think it would help to be able to talk to people openly on how hard and draining it is. A lot of the time it does feel hopeless, and it's not a school gate conversation so I don't talk about it really.

That's a good idea. And tbh I think you may get some good advice on how to handle the legal/police aspects, too, from other families dealing with it. I have had more help with a disabled child from other parents, not least on how to locate professionals willing and able to help, than any other source.

for you.

I have only suffered brief psychosis, have been hypomanic a v few times, and admitted on all but the first (during which I nearly wrecked my life but refused to believe I was ill).

Given my delusions, I wasn't sure what was going on, so each time it took several goes (and a HCP who I could trust) to get me to take the initial medication - (actually I still think it's quite a sane thing to do to refuse pills from people when you don't know who they are).

My point being that your Mum is possibly lying deliberately to the medics, because she thinks that's what she needs to do to preserve her own life. When it seems that important a lie can be delivered with plausibility.

I know this doesn't help with your situation, for which I have enormous sympathy, but I'm not sure your Mum is being manipulative when she claims she'll be compliant and then isn't, except in the sense of doing what she can, as she thinks, to protect herself.