AIBU to think that the families of people with Mental Illness need more help than we get, because getting support is near on impossible [title amended by MNHQ at OP's request]

[VioletVaccine]

I was going to NC but thought if I did, because of the contents I'd be labelled goady or a troll, I don't know.

I just want to know, Why is it, if you have a mental illness diagnosis, you can get away with anything you want to, at the cost of people being hurt, mentally and physically?

A member of my family is very ill, but nobody will do anything. Nobody at all will help, and it's making everyone involved in he life ill themselves.
Her parents are 79 and 80 years old. Yet still have to listen and travel and maintain her home and personal care because she won't clean, won't cook, won't move out of her house to buy food, and just screams at them daily, the most disgusting things. Her mother cries to me on the phone that she thinks one day she's going to just fall asleep and not wake up, and sometimes she hopes that she does, because she knows what she's waking up to.

I've moved house and moved town to escape the upset, of her walking into my home, screaming at my children and at me, accusing DH of false imprisonment, and of murder, sending Police to my home because she believes we are all political prisoners, so we left and moved into another County. I tried and tried to get her help, but she refuses medication. Says it makes her tired and fat. This has been said after every single medication switch, from tablets to a depot injection.
But now, the MHS have deemed fit to discharge her, and said its against her human rights to be medicated against her will.

Now, we are having to look at moving house again, because she found people online to find out our address and landline phone number for her (even though we're ex directory, and not on the main electoral register), and now uses that information to hound us.

I have told her, over and over and over, and over again, to leave me alone. I've honestly begged in tears for her to stop. I can't listen to the outlandish and to be honest, disgusting delusions and hallucinations anymore.
I've had enough. I've heard them for 20 years, but distanced myself from her 10 years ago because she refused help every time, was Sectioned three times in different districts but appealed each one, and was released, and then the very same day started to upset and disturb my children.

She absolutely refuses to see that she is ill. She says her medical records and psychiatric reports have been falsified, the doctors used her for experiments into genital mutilation and implanting pregnancies in her which they then removed (this is all in the UK by the way, no cultural or religious reason for her to think she's been victim of FGM).

She attacked in the street late last year, gouges in my arms and bruises on my neck and back, but when I phoned the police they said they couldn't arrest her as she is mentally ill, and they would have to refer it on to her local mental health services.

I have contacted the local MHS in her area, the Crisis Team, and the Police there even, because she has threatened to travel and get into my home here "to make sure I know straight from her face".
She has harrassed DD1 who is a child, messaging about how the Royal Family personally sanctioned her rape and her mutilation, and that her DDad (my DH) keeps me locked up which is why I don't talk to her any more.

I can't take this anymore. I've kept all texts and phone records, and there are literally dozens and dozens of messages from both me, DH and her own Parents, to leave us alone. I'm done trying to help when she won't help herself.

Today, the Police have come AGAIN to check on my welfare, despite me explaining to them the last fucking time, that she is mentally ill with a formal diagnosis.
I'm taking mood stabilisers, beta blockers and Diazepam from my GP at the moment because I can't breathe properly, can't sleep, and just go between sadness and rage that nobody will do anything to help.

The MHS tell me to contact the Crisis Team, if it's that urgent.
The Crisis Team told me to contact the police if I feel threatened or if she is a danger to herself,or anyone else.
And the POLICE just told me their hands are tied, because there's different provisions for handling the mentally ill, than general public.

I live a quiet and happy life normally, just me, DCs and DH, but this is making things hell. I can't sleep, DH is really upset he's publicly being labelled a wife beater and keeping me under house arrest, and our DCs are feeling the knock on effect because I jump when the door knocks, the phone rings, and dread knowing what's next, and nobody will help.

Can someone please tell me what the hell I can do, because I can't see a way forward and out of this.
Get a mental health diagnosis, and you can so what you want.

How do I get her treatment, or someone to at least do something, before I crack up? What the hell do I do?

I understand you are suffering, and the situation sounds incredibly hard for everyone involved. But to state that families suffer more than the person who is ill is frankly unfair. Everyone is suffering. It shouldn't be a competition of suffering.

If this thread had been titled "AIBU to think families of physically disabled people suffer more than the person who is ill" then you would be called out on it, and loudly.

I do hope you, and all the family members concerned, do get some support. But yes, YABU.

I really feel for you and I have seen it from the perspectives of having a parent (dad) with schizophrenia and a child.
I would honestly look into a restraining order and make things more official.
I do have sympathy for those with depression but to say it doesn't affect those around you is naive to say the least....

I'm sure they'd change it for you Violet. It sounds like you really need help and support and at the moment unfortunately the title's too sweeping.

How do I amend my thread title please?

It's not just the title, but some of the OP too - about mentally ill people being able to get away with anything.

It's okay I've found it now, thank you ill request a change now x

Report it with the 'report post' button, and ask MNHQ to change it, Violet.

Good if you can get it changed. Maybe then people will actually read your OP and not just respond to the title.

Violet I don't think it is the case at all that the police can't arrest people who are mentally ill if they have attacked you. Can you get any legal advice, as the advice you have had to date is poor- perhaps repost in legal on MN as a starting point. You could then get an idea of the type of evidence of harassment and assault that you would need to get legal protection. I can't advise more, except I think you need legal as well as emotional support. This sounds awful, and your children do need to be protected too.

So sorry you are going through this Violet . Who supports you, who is your advocate? I am honestly shocked that a situation like this is left to fester.

I don't understand why the police keep passing the buck, she can be dealt with legally. Maybe a restraining order is the way to go.

I do understand and you have my total sympathy. Caring for someone mentally ill has put me on pills, I'm just glad I don't suffer from depression. The person I care for turns it on herself rather than the people around her.

What I don't understand if she's a danger to the public then why hasn't she been sectioned and kept in, has the criteria been changed again?

I understand OP - I have never suffered to the extent youhave but I have experienced real problems as the result of a family member's illness.

I have reported my post to MNHQ to amend the title, I didn't want to upset or offend, I'm just at the end of being able to cope with this when no one will help. Sorry to anyone the post has offended x

Wannabe I live on my own. I'm fortunate that my depression has responded well to therapy and is generally pretty mild since treatment. So no, actually, I'm not being naive about it. I've spoken candidly about it to those closest to me. When I hit a bad patch it impacts on them. But as I said earlier generally, day to day it doesn't particularly affect them. They can, thankfully, get away from it. Whereas it's better for me to always keep an ear out for it so I can work on framing my thinking before it spirals downwards.

Yes I do think the families of some people with MH problems suffer more than the person themselves but not all
My Dad has battled with depression all his life but has tried his best not to let it affect those around him
Ex DP wouldn't accept that his MH problems meant my children and I didn't have any kind of normal life - sadly in the end I have to end us living together for that reason - I still am friends with him and help where I can but at a distance as that is all I can cope with
I had a friend for many years whose children's lives were ruined by her mental health in the end her husband left her and her now adult children won't have anything to do with her
Finally in a psychotic episode many years ago my SIL took a knife and threatened my 7 year old son, as in her delusion he was someone else - thankfully DH and the police managed to restrain her but he was traumatised for a long time after

Violet, I have nothing helpful to add but wanted to send . It's heartbreaking and I am so very sorry. The loss to you is on so many levels, and the person you now deal with sounds terrifying. I hope in some miraculous way there can be a resolution.

What you are describing sounds just dreadful, to the extent that I have struggled to find an adequate description that doesn't in some way minimise what you are having to cope with.

I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I grew up with a mother in huge mental distress and it has impacted on every single part of my life. She died many, many years ago but some of the effects are still with me.

It sounds as though you have made a happy life for yourself with your DH and DCs and I have huge respect for you for achieving that. You clearly have immense resilience and inner strength.

I hope the advice you receive on this thread - from people who are far better informed than me - is helpful.

The police can do something mentally ill or not, 2 years ago my father whom has a mental illness tried strangling my mother, he got locked in a cell. so please if she attacks you ring the police.

Please don't have a go at the op. She sounds in despair.

Perhaps it is better to say that those people who don't acknowledge their illness are harder to deal with than those who are prepared to accept it and seek help. I know the situation for my husband's wider family would have been far easier to cope with if the relative had not refused to get the help they needed. Also when mentally ill people are in denial you can't talk to them about it or have any real understanding of their life.

The real issue is that there aren't enough resources to adequately help every one who needs it and that includes the families.

I work in mental health services.

OP you mention that an Approved Mental Health Professional will be visiting. This means that they are considering carrying out a Mental Health Act assessment (i.e. to consider if she should be sectioned). You need to contact the team where the Approved Mental Health Professional is and give them all the information you have. Do not assume that they know the background and the current situation. At the assessment they will be considering if she needs to be sectioned due to risk herself or risks to others, so they need to know all the facts.

FWIW I don't think anyone can say whether it is harder for families or people with mental health conditions themselves. It is hard for everyone.

I am confused by the information the police have given you. The criminal justice system and mental health services work together to manage the criminal of behaviour of people with mental health problems. They are accountable under the law, the same as anyone. What is different is how the person is dealt with (e.g may be detained in hospital instead of prison depending on the circumstances).

Op I am so sorry you are all going through this, including your Mum.
It seems to me you are doing as much as you can to keep your children safe.
No advice I'm afraid, just wanted to send acknowledgement that I totally get you are at the end of your tether,any reasonable person would be and it must hurt so much.

Thinking of you all

Let's not give the OP too bad a time here. She's upset, desperate and at the end of her tether with health problems herself. She's apologised and asked to amend the title.
It is hard on the families and no one is saying its a walk in the park for the those with the MH problem- but sometimes those around need support too?

It's very frightening and exhausting OP when you have a family member like this. It took 6 Years for my family member to even get a diagnosis because no one would listen but compared to what you have been through our story was a lot easier because they were never violent. I can't tell you the number of times we rang the Police and they would take them to the hospital and they would abscond before seeing anyone.
We were lucky that it only took one section ( which they tried to appeal) and they have always taken their mess and accepted the weight gain and joined a gym etc. However there is always that fear that they may become unwell again in the future because nothing's set in stone.
Have you thought of pressing charges/ getting a restraining order, particularly because of your child. The pressing charges may sound harsh but might actually get you somewhere and mean you don't have to move again.
How have they managed to be discharged three times on appeal? ( I'm not doubting they can be very plausible and clever)
Is there no CPN involvement here?

Meds not mess

The police CAN remove her from a public place for her own safety and take her to a safe place (cell or mental health facility) where she will be assessed.

Don't move house. There's no point - it's just more stress on you and she will find you again. What you need to do is become more familiar with the system and use it to get her the help she clearly needs (and your family need.)

So a restraining order could be one way. I suggest you read this, which sets out in clear language what happens for someone to be detained.

www.rethink.org/living-with-mental-illness/mental-health-laws/mental-health-act-1983/sections-2-3-4-5

What I don't understand if she's a danger to the public then why hasn't she been sectioned and kept in, has the criteria been changed again?

Gamerchick I don't either. She presented with mental health issues when I was 14.
I came home from school to see she'd had a guy fit locks to the inside of my bedroom door, 'for my safety'. I was told them, that she'd written academic documents that put her at risk of murder, and I had to lock my door every night in case we were murdered.
I left home at 16 and got married very young because I didn't want to go home again.
The thing is, she doesn't threaten anyone else other than herself, strangers who she think are trying to silence her (politicians and college professors), so because there's no 'direct threat' they're powerless