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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

AIBU to think that the families of people with Mental Illness need more help than we get, because getting support is near on impossible [title amended by MNHQ at OP's request]

159 replies

VioletVaccine · 20/03/2016 15:26

I was going to NC but thought if I did, because of the contents I'd be labelled goady or a troll, I don't know.

I just want to know, Why is it, if you have a mental illness diagnosis, you can get away with anything you want to, at the cost of people being hurt, mentally and physically?

A member of my family is very ill, but nobody will do anything. Nobody at all will help, and it's making everyone involved in he life ill themselves.
Her parents are 79 and 80 years old. Yet still have to listen and travel and maintain her home and personal care because she won't clean, won't cook, won't move out of her house to buy food, and just screams at them daily, the most disgusting things. Her mother cries to me on the phone that she thinks one day she's going to just fall asleep and not wake up, and sometimes she hopes that she does, because she knows what she's waking up to.

I've moved house and moved town to escape the upset, of her walking into my home, screaming at my children and at me, accusing DH of false imprisonment, and of murder, sending Police to my home because she believes we are all political prisoners, so we left and moved into another County. I tried and tried to get her help, but she refuses medication. Says it makes her tired and fat. This has been said after every single medication switch, from tablets to a depot injection.
But now, the MHS have deemed fit to discharge her, and said its against her human rights to be medicated against her will.

Now, we are having to look at moving house again, because she found people online to find out our address and landline phone number for her (even though we're ex directory, and not on the main electoral register), and now uses that information to hound us.

I have told her, over and over and over, and over again, to leave me alone. I've honestly begged in tears for her to stop. I can't listen to the outlandish and to be honest, disgusting delusions and hallucinations anymore.
I've had enough. I've heard them for 20 years, but distanced myself from her 10 years ago because she refused help every time, was Sectioned three times in different districts but appealed each one, and was released, and then the very same day started to upset and disturb my children.

She absolutely refuses to see that she is ill. She says her medical records and psychiatric reports have been falsified, the doctors used her for experiments into genital mutilation and implanting pregnancies in her which they then removed (this is all in the UK by the way, no cultural or religious reason for her to think she's been victim of FGM).

She attacked in the street late last year, gouges in my arms and bruises on my neck and back, but when I phoned the police they said they couldn't arrest her as she is mentally ill, and they would have to refer it on to her local mental health services.

I have contacted the local MHS in her area, the Crisis Team, and the Police there even, because she has threatened to travel and get into my home here "to make sure I know straight from her face".
She has harrassed DD1 who is a child, messaging about how the Royal Family personally sanctioned her rape and her mutilation, and that her DDad (my DH) keeps me locked up which is why I don't talk to her any more.

I can't take this anymore. I've kept all texts and phone records, and there are literally dozens and dozens of messages from both me, DH and her own Parents, to leave us alone. I'm done trying to help when she won't help herself.

Today, the Police have come AGAIN to check on my welfare, despite me explaining to them the last fucking time, that she is mentally ill with a formal diagnosis.
I'm taking mood stabilisers, beta blockers and Diazepam from my GP at the moment because I can't breathe properly, can't sleep, and just go between sadness and rage that nobody will do anything to help.

The MHS tell me to contact the Crisis Team, if it's that urgent.
The Crisis Team told me to contact the police if I feel threatened or if she is a danger to herself,or anyone else.
And the POLICE just told me their hands are tied, because there's different provisions for handling the mentally ill, than general public.

I live a quiet and happy life normally, just me, DCs and DH, but this is making things hell. I can't sleep, DH is really upset he's publicly being labelled a wife beater and keeping me under house arrest, and our DCs are feeling the knock on effect because I jump when the door knocks, the phone rings, and dread knowing what's next, and nobody will help.

Can someone please tell me what the hell I can do, because I can't see a way forward and out of this.
Get a mental health diagnosis, and you can so what you want.

How do I get her treatment, or someone to at least do something, before I crack up? What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/03/2016 18:08

I'm so sorry Op, what an awful situation. I agree that you need to press the police and keep pushing until they listen. She's going to hurt herself, if not someone else. If she attacks a stranger they'll call the police, they won't know she has MH issues.

I sympathise to an extent, my Fil is suffering from MH issues but is a bloody nightmare to deal with, having been a self-centred narcissist all his life. It's only been made worse by his deteriorating mental health and now my Dh and DBil are falling out over him. Obviously none of this is his fault but it does have a big impact on his family. Unfortunately he doesn't care, he's not as lovely as some of you poor people on here.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 20/03/2016 18:10

I understand your POV op. I know a few people with various mental illnesses and one in particular used to be like your relative. He himself is happy with his life, gets anxious occasionally but generally feels he is doing the right thing by ranting / lecturing / locking people in or out of his house etc. It is everyone else who gets scared and stressed.

I know he used to be under a Community Treatment Order. DISCLAIMER - I don't know if these are still done or would be an option where you live. The conditions for it are that he must allow his CPN in the house to restock his medication, have periodic appointments with his dr and take his medication daily. If he refuses any of this he is taken into the psychiatric hospital. I knew him before and after that was put in place and the change has been extra-ordinary.

mumofthemonsters808 · 20/03/2016 18:14

I have no advice whatsoever, but you have my sympathy. I feel so sorry for you and your family and this situation is a massive problem.

feelingdizzy · 20/03/2016 18:17

I have a brother with significant MH issues,has done for 25 years.Its very hard to untangle him from this,but I think he unwell and he is an arse.Being mentally I'll doesn't make you nice ,he was pretty means before hand now he is off the chart abusive to everyone.
He lived at home with my Mum,he was arrested,(drunk and disorderly,he is also an alcoholic)she refused to let him come home.I make this sound easy it almost broke her and my dad.
It has affected all off my family in so many ways,none good.Am thinking of you.x

MonkeyBrainiac · 20/03/2016 18:17

That's a tough situation Violet Flowers

To aid your own mental wellbeing I would advise contacting a group such as Care For The Carers. They can point you in the direction of courses and face to face support groups which will give you somewhere to express how you are feeling. Being in a room full of people in similar circumstances really helps and often they have had similar experiences and can offer ideas and advice.

VioletVaccine · 20/03/2016 18:20

Bringbacksideburns
How have they managed to be discharged three times on appeal? ( I'm not doubting they can be very plausible and clever)

She is very intelligent, and can pre-empt questions. She gives the answers they need to hear, and assurances that she's seen how out of character her behaviour is. She swears she's seen how far she's declined, and will make getting well her utmost priority.
Then comes home, shoves her discharge medication in a back cupboard, and carries on just as she was before. That's what makes me hate her on some level.
She has the competent mind enough to demonstrate how well she is, and then bombs it all off as soon as she's let go.
And still can't see why that is not normal behaviour.

OP posts:
Gabilan · 20/03/2016 18:30

Fireside I agree that it's less difficult if the person with MH problems is engaging with medical services to get help. It is if you like the difference between someone leaning on you and you carrying them.

Sadly it seems the OP's mother is so ill she's unaware that she is ill.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/03/2016 18:38

You have my utmost sympathy. This must just be horrible for you and your family.

Are there small things you can do for now that may make day to day life 'easier'? Block her number from your and your DC's phones so there are no more awful texts or phone calls from her? Block her email address? Perhaps CCTV by your door so you'll know who's there before opening the door? Have you contacted a mental health specialist solicitor? Even though they usually represent the mentally ill person, they may have advice for you.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 20/03/2016 18:39

The police are lying.

You can make a complaint to them in harassment and they should take it further.
Or, bring civil proceedings. As long as your relative understands what a court order forbids her from doing, and that consequences will follow if she does it, she is competent to face criminal or contempt of court proceedings for breach of a restraining order or injunction.

Try and speak to a senior police officer in your area (e.g. inspector or above) to ask for help face to face. Take a summary of events with you to show the pattern of conduct over time. If no help is forthcoming after that, complain to the IPCC.

firesidechat · 20/03/2016 18:41

The person I've spoken about is also highly intelligent and fooled the doctors for years, despite the family begging for help. It's only when the problem reached crisis point and she couldn't hold it in any longer that she got sectioned.

goodenoughmum88 · 20/03/2016 18:49

Massive hugs and sympathy.
If she's been discharged from MH services then she's deemed well enough to know what she's up to/make decisions etc and so can be arrested and charged for offences. If the police are in doubt they can pick her up on S136 and have her assessed to determine her accountability. Someone needs to take responsibility. If they won't I know if people who've written to their MP to report/complain. It's a lot about risk but also paperwork being in place to say that she either needs help and isn't accountable for her actions, or she's refusing help and can make this decision and should therefore be held accountable.

VioletVaccine · 20/03/2016 19:05

I am just so tired. I never meant my Op to sound like I was attacking people who have mental illness. I'm just beyond what I can cope with in my own life with the knock on effects of mental illness because this is making me ill myself

OP posts:
Tabsicle · 20/03/2016 19:14

Would it be possible to change the title of this thread? I've read it through, and OP it sounds miserable for you. I'm so sorry and I hope you can find some resolution, but the title to this showing up on my screen was like being punched in the face.

When I've been in a bad place I've always felt very strongly that everyone around me would be better off without me and are just waiting and wanting me to kill myself so they can get some space and this stirred up a lot of really icky feelings.

firesidechat · 20/03/2016 19:16

I think most people understand that Violet. Don't beat yourself up any more, but do sift through some of the good advice on here and see what you can do to make your own situation better.

firesidechat · 20/03/2016 19:17

Yes thanks Tabsicle I think the op knows that now. I think she already asked to get it changed, but at this time on a weekend I suspect it will take some time.

VioletVaccine · 20/03/2016 19:19

In the last 6 months I've been physically attacked, had my children screamed at, been woken at 11pm by police to check on the welfare of my children, had police attend my home because of my reported murder, had Social Services interview my children separately at school because of an alleged false imprisonment charge that I was a "political prisoner of the Police" phone call.

It's making my name known to police, and possibly making DCs names known to social services.
My children's school are receiving calls, saying my children, and my family, are in danger.
And none of this is true.
This is what I mean, about her actions having a really bad effect on the lives of the people who are actually just trying to help

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/03/2016 19:20

it is easy to yanno hide a thread so the title doesn't offend the eyes.

VioletVaccine · 20/03/2016 19:23

Tabsicle I've reported my post, to ask if they can amend the title, I did that about an hour ago. I said earlier that I am sorry and that I didn't want to upset anybody.

OP posts:
Tabsicle · 20/03/2016 19:24

Ah. Ok. Glad she's reported it. Missed that bit. And I will hide it. Just wanted to say something as it was quite an offensive title.

Eustace2016 · 20/03/2016 19:24

I agree. In fact many psychiatrists will see the family and the person who is ill either together or separately.

I divorced my husband who said he was not depressed and would not have treatment. It was the best thing that has ever been done for our children. It is not always the right thing to stay with the person and plenty of parents end up having to distance themselves from an adult child addicted to drugs too - these are not easy issues.

I remember someone I know who was torn befween his wife and lover - the impact led to him going to be dfor 5 months on pills and guess what his poor cheated no wife had to get on with things day by day looking after the children - yes we are sorry for the man having a break down but there was so little sympathy for the wife who probably also would have quite liked to take to her bed for half a year rather than having to bear the brunt. Another acquaintance end up thrown out by his wife after about 15 years after one of his worse bipolar episodes - she just could not stand it any more. It wasn't fair on the children to keep him around. Again I support her decision. That doesn't mean we don't think it's awful for those with the mental illness but it can be just as bad for those around them.

whattheseithakasmean · 20/03/2016 19:24

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Broken1Girl · 20/03/2016 19:25

Oh lovely post. I am unwell. I am the one who is suffering and have been destroyed, and my family have NO idea I am presently unwell. Thanks for really distressing me.
If you need support, ask, but posting nastily and frankly, yes, like a goady fucker about how ALL people with MH problems are terrible people and hurt those around them is not on.
That is me being very restrained. I won't be back to this thread.

firesidechat · 20/03/2016 19:27

Best you don't.

firesidechat · 20/03/2016 19:28

Now I know why people are advised to rtft. It's great advice.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 20/03/2016 19:29

It is sometimes the breathtaking apparent selfishness of depression which make it difficult for families and loved ones. Some examples right here on this thread.