AIBU to think that the families of people with Mental Illness need more help than we get, because getting support is near on impossible [title amended by MNHQ at OP's request]

[VioletVaccine]

I was going to NC but thought if I did, because of the contents I'd be labelled goady or a troll, I don't know.

I just want to know, Why is it, if you have a mental illness diagnosis, you can get away with anything you want to, at the cost of people being hurt, mentally and physically?

A member of my family is very ill, but nobody will do anything. Nobody at all will help, and it's making everyone involved in he life ill themselves.
Her parents are 79 and 80 years old. Yet still have to listen and travel and maintain her home and personal care because she won't clean, won't cook, won't move out of her house to buy food, and just screams at them daily, the most disgusting things. Her mother cries to me on the phone that she thinks one day she's going to just fall asleep and not wake up, and sometimes she hopes that she does, because she knows what she's waking up to.

I've moved house and moved town to escape the upset, of her walking into my home, screaming at my children and at me, accusing DH of false imprisonment, and of murder, sending Police to my home because she believes we are all political prisoners, so we left and moved into another County. I tried and tried to get her help, but she refuses medication. Says it makes her tired and fat. This has been said after every single medication switch, from tablets to a depot injection.
But now, the MHS have deemed fit to discharge her, and said its against her human rights to be medicated against her will.

Now, we are having to look at moving house again, because she found people online to find out our address and landline phone number for her (even though we're ex directory, and not on the main electoral register), and now uses that information to hound us.

I have told her, over and over and over, and over again, to leave me alone. I've honestly begged in tears for her to stop. I can't listen to the outlandish and to be honest, disgusting delusions and hallucinations anymore.
I've had enough. I've heard them for 20 years, but distanced myself from her 10 years ago because she refused help every time, was Sectioned three times in different districts but appealed each one, and was released, and then the very same day started to upset and disturb my children.

She absolutely refuses to see that she is ill. She says her medical records and psychiatric reports have been falsified, the doctors used her for experiments into genital mutilation and implanting pregnancies in her which they then removed (this is all in the UK by the way, no cultural or religious reason for her to think she's been victim of FGM).

She attacked in the street late last year, gouges in my arms and bruises on my neck and back, but when I phoned the police they said they couldn't arrest her as she is mentally ill, and they would have to refer it on to her local mental health services.

I have contacted the local MHS in her area, the Crisis Team, and the Police there even, because she has threatened to travel and get into my home here "to make sure I know straight from her face".
She has harrassed DD1 who is a child, messaging about how the Royal Family personally sanctioned her rape and her mutilation, and that her DDad (my DH) keeps me locked up which is why I don't talk to her any more.

I can't take this anymore. I've kept all texts and phone records, and there are literally dozens and dozens of messages from both me, DH and her own Parents, to leave us alone. I'm done trying to help when she won't help herself.

Today, the Police have come AGAIN to check on my welfare, despite me explaining to them the last fucking time, that she is mentally ill with a formal diagnosis.
I'm taking mood stabilisers, beta blockers and Diazepam from my GP at the moment because I can't breathe properly, can't sleep, and just go between sadness and rage that nobody will do anything to help.

The MHS tell me to contact the Crisis Team, if it's that urgent.
The Crisis Team told me to contact the police if I feel threatened or if she is a danger to herself,or anyone else.
And the POLICE just told me their hands are tied, because there's different provisions for handling the mentally ill, than general public.

I live a quiet and happy life normally, just me, DCs and DH, but this is making things hell. I can't sleep, DH is really upset he's publicly being labelled a wife beater and keeping me under house arrest, and our DCs are feeling the knock on effect because I jump when the door knocks, the phone rings, and dread knowing what's next, and nobody will help.

Can someone please tell me what the hell I can do, because I can't see a way forward and out of this.
Get a mental health diagnosis, and you can so what you want.

How do I get her treatment, or someone to at least do something, before I crack up? What the hell do I do?

My mother has bipolar disorder. living with her illness hasn't just destroyed her life, my life, my sisters life, my brothers life, but affected our families. I really do feel for you OP. my mother is breath takingly selfish and it gets really difficult to see where her illness ends, and what is just 'her'. its been her for so long now and her refusal to accept medication make me so angry. i really do feel your pain.

I don't think your title was offensive, as such. As soon as the post has been read, it's quite obvious that you've suffered immensely as the hands of your relative and that the impact on your life has been significant. Those who are going off at the deep end need to stop being so introspective. I say this as someone who's suffered with mental ill health myself.

You've been given good advice already, so I won't repeat it. I just have to add my agreement that the police have failed to ensure protection of both her and of others.

Take care of yourself.

There is, I think, a big difference between someone who understands that they are ill and wants to get better, and someone suffering fro psychotic delusions who doesn't accept they are ill and won't take medication. It is plain that it's the second of these that the OP is talking about.

I really feel for you, OP. I'd like to say I'm surprised but I know only too well how difficult it is to get help in these situations. Is she always this extreme, or are there calmer periods?

Please amend the title. Its unreasonable and offensive.

Services are being cut all over the place. This is the result. There are no free beds in many units.
The police dont seem clear on their powers or responsibilities, or maybe just dont have anywhere to take her.

Could you afford to see a solicitor? They would be able to advise you if you could get a restraining order against her and should also be able to advise you how to escalate matters with the police. Keep a record of everything she's done to harass you as you are likely to need this as evidence.

For fucks sake!

Perhaps HQ will now finally do something about moving unwisely-posted threads outside of AIBU?

OP has asked that the title be amended - maybe if more people report the thread MNHQ will notice quicker?

FFS how many times does the OP have to say she has requested the title is changed and has also apologised numerous times! Try RTFT before you comment.

OP you sound so exhausted with it all- I really hope you can get some help with this

abitsensible please amend your attitude, it is unreasonable and offensive. The OP has spilled her guts out with a massive cri do couer and you can just bitch & whine at her. Do one, if you have nothing supportive to add.

Eustace2016 thank you, that really is how it feels. To have someone in your family still there, but they're gone. I love my Mother when she was my Mum. I don't even think about her anymore really because I because it makes me bitter, and quite angry at the fact it happened in the first place if I'm honest.
She was a fantastic Mum. She had me young, but worked hard all her life, and she brought me up well I think. Im rambling now, but I wanted to sat she was a brilliant Mum, and her illness didn't make her a bad Mum, it actually just took her away. She isn't even my DM anymore at all.
So when i try to help i don't know who I'm helping, it doesn't help her and doesn't help us either really

People need to get over the title. Op has requested a change, so she doesn't need a pile in of those who are so utterly offended but chose to still click on it

Op you have my sympathy. it sounds like a nightmare for you and your children, your lives are being destroyed by her. You've been given good advice above. Please push harder with the police, she cannot keep doing this to your family.

I am so sorry that you are suffering and I completely understand. I hope that you can find some worthwhile suggestions in the advice from other posters and my advice below. (Please feel free to ignore if it doesn't apply or work for you.)

I have a child with bipolar. He's stable, but still a teenager and I'm exhausted and worried about what happens when he's an adult and I can't require him to take medication. It's already had a significant impact on our whole family. It's difficult to not blame a child for being mentally ill. I am sure it must be impossible when they become an adult and especially if it's your sibling and not your own child.

Some of the things that I have found extremely helpful are:

 1.  <strong>Support groups</strong>:  I am in the USA and there is an organization called NAMI which has been a godsend to me.  I wonder if anyone knows of a similar thing in the UK.

 2.  <strong>Books</strong>:  <strong><a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0967718937?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-2596414-AIBU-to-think-that-the-families-of-people-with-Mental-Illness-need-more-help-than-we-get-because-getting-support-is-near-on-impossible-title-amended-by-MNHQ-at-OPs-request" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">I Am Not Sick and I Don't Need Help</a></strong> and <strong><a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1572246901?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-2596414-AIBU-to-think-that-the-families-of-people-with-Mental-Illness-need-more-help-than-we-get-because-getting-support-is-near-on-impossible-title-amended-by-MNHQ-at-OPs-request" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Stop Walking on Eggshells</a></strong>  Both these books have been very informative and helped me a lot with ideas on how to deal with my ds and other mentally ill people I come across.  Researching the science of mental illness has also been helpful to me.

 3.  <strong>Being completely transparent to everyone and distilling it to a medical diagnosis</strong>: "My child was diagnosed with bipolar at age 12 and can suffer from psychosis and manic episodes which cause high risk behavior.  He is not always in control of his thoughts and behavior and this can be difficult and stressful for him and for his family."  I give this introduction to new doctors, teachers, therapists and pretty much anyone who I AND my family have to interact with on a regular basis.  I have found that it helps.  

Mental Health and particularly bipolar is losing the social stigma (perhaps more so here in the USA than the UK) and people are willing to talk about it and understand. Doesn't mean they always get it right, but more and more people are trying.

Good luck and lots of good thoughts and wishes to you and everyone on this thread.

Sorry, just realized the mentally ill person is your mum, not your sibling. My advice still applies, I think.....

Oh OP, I'm so sorry it's your mum :( I had thought cousin or something. I do think the police are not doing what they should- people with mental illness acting criminally are still accountable.

ABitSensible

Services are being cut all over the place. This is the result. There are no free beds in many units.

I don't know the policies on bed spaces, I just posted hoping someone knew how I could at least get my mother primary help at least, before her actions split up my family, the way it's going it's feeling that way.

I did ask MNHQ to amend the title an hour ago, so again, sorry that it offended you. As I've repeated since the first page, it wasn't intentional.

SofiaAmes I'll look up those books you've said to read, thank you

I just want to know, Why is it, if you have a mental illness diagnosis, you can get away with anything you want to, at the cost of people being hurt, mentally and physically?

Thats not true or helpful to any one coping with mental illness, or their families. Or women with post partum psychosis, or parents concerned about their children.
People with a mental illness are not responsible for their behaviour, if they cause injury they can be locked up.

As for bibbity et al, dont bother supporting metal health week.

MiaowTheCat that sounds it exactly x

It doesn't matter if it's true or helpful, it's how the OP and many other family of mental illness patients feel... How it seems TO THEM. Dismissing someone's distress in a snarly way because you've taken offence is breathtakingly self absorbed.

Snarly. Right.
Try being ill, and never normal. Or thinking you have to throw your baby out of the window. Or try being sectioned. Or anything.

Then have people who can go home, or shut the door tell you they are suffering more.

Would you tell a quadraplegic that their carers suffer more than they do?

Violet my heart goes out to you. Yes its shit. My bi-polar relative thinks they can say and do whatever they like, with-out considering the damage this does to others.
I hope some of the excellent advice is helpful.
Violet and Sofia

Violet I wonder if it is worth writing to your MP? List, as factually as you can, all the contact you've had with the police etc. Say you think that they are stretched and that as a result you and your family are at risk.

Unfortunately, some organisations will only act if they think things will blow up if they DON'T do anything. No-one wants a paper trail warning that there was a risk after the proverbial's hit the fan.

It is exhausting dealing with MH problems from whichever side and unfortunately you need the most energy when you have the least of it.