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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Marynary · 20/03/2016 13:00

And I find the mentality that old friends have 'tested' your DP's willpower not to have an affair, and that he's been found trustworthy, really sad. I mean, maybe I'm weird, but I tend to assume that my DP won't have an affair, because he loves me and is committed to me, as I love him and am committed to him. We both manage to have friends of the opposite sex (both old and new!) without jumping their bones.

It isn't because they have "tested" you DPs will power or trustworthyness. It's also not really a question of whether they would "jump" their bones. It's the fact that if they have been just friends for many years then they probably aren't interested in each other romantically. Nobody with any common sense (in my opinion) would want their DH/DP to go on outing or lunch with a friend they might fancy.

HormonalHeap · 20/03/2016 13:00

I'd also have a 'chat' before he went. This is testing your self esteem. No, it's absolutely not ok. He obviously thinks by telling you he's doing nothing wrong, but it is completely, absolutely wrong. My dh met up with his old neighbour last week for lunch who happens to be single. She's now invited us both over for dinner. But to spend an all-day outing with someone and you not invited- Erm, no.

LunaLunaLovegood · 20/03/2016 13:01

Do you have children? do you have much time for hobbies yourself? were you invited?

Chocolatteaddict1 · 20/03/2016 13:09

Nah not for me.

MitzyLeFrouf · 20/03/2016 13:23

I wouldn't be cool with this. Especially as I'd never met the woman so didn't know what their dynamic was.

RhombusRiley · 20/03/2016 13:27

I know a man who goes on long cycling trips with a female colleague and even including overnight camping together. I was Shock when I heard about it, but I don't know his wife well, so I can't assume anything about how she feels. I'd be pissed off though. AShe's left with the DC all weekend on her own and he's off having fun with another woman.

I do get the idea of friends of the opposite sex and I've had them myself. My ex often went for lunch to catch up with his ex when she was in town and I was OK with that.

But there is something hurtful about this. I can't put my finger on exactly why.

Spottypjs1 · 20/03/2016 13:32

Of course there is a difference between your DH going out with a male and female friend. With a female friend, there is always the possibility that it may be at least an emotional affair. Given this possibility, it would be courteous of your husband to introduce you to her and if he is close enough to enjoy lunch and a day sight seeing with her then why would he not invite her to spend time at the house and to meet his DP?

KidLorneRoll · 20/03/2016 13:39

Just because it's a woman (gasp!) doesn't mean they are anything more than friends. I find this idea that a man spending time with a woman is automatically something to be suspicious about rather depressing. You either trust the guy, or you don't.

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2016 13:41

Mary, as far as I can understand, your comment doesn't do anything to refute mine. I'm still no clearer on why an old opposite-sex friend is more OK than a new one.

AfroPuffs · 20/03/2016 13:42

I think you need to suddenly take up cycling OP

YaySirNaySir · 20/03/2016 13:43

Yanbu.
DH has a female friend and when they go out which isn't that often I and her other half always get invited sometimes we both go sometimes one of us goes, sometimes neither of us. I really like her actually.
But the point is we are never excluded. I have seen them together many times, there is no attraction between them I can just tell. I have a fully functional jealous radar and I feel 100% comfortable with this.

ilovesooty · 20/03/2016 13:44

Ms pert cycling bottom Grin

Original poster
skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 13:47

We don't have children and have been married for 18 years. I'm not really into cycling, but we do own a tandem which we do go out on occasionally. I prefer to walk, and we did go for a walk together yesterday, although we had to get back in time for the sodding rugby.

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 20/03/2016 13:47

it's not about trust.

It's just the fact that he prefers to spend a day with another woman, whop isn't me (or in this case the OP), and that would make me feel a bit unloved.

Sure, go for a long bike ride for a few hours with a mate (male, female), but making a date out of it with sight seeing and lunch ....

No I would not feel great about that! But DH would not love it either if I went off for the day (Sunday, a day we could spend some quality time together) to go on a date with another guy.

OP, how would your DP feel if you went out for a day (doing stuff you love, going out for a cosy meal etc.) with a bloke?

If it's a group, it is different again.

But spending 1-2-1 of precious weekend time with another female would piss me off!

HPsauciness · 20/03/2016 13:52

I once felt quite jealous when my husband announced he was off cycling with a new female friend who had come to the neighbourhood, but he was upfront, invited me along and took 5 children between them! She was very pretty and became one of my closest friends!

Both of us have friends of the opposite sex, but critically, we are always up front about who we are meeting/have met, and wouldn't plan a whole day out with another friend without running it by the other person first (or any activity on a Sun would be fully discussed not just with opposite sex).

It all sounds a bit odd, like he wouldn't have mentioned the lunch, the sightseeing or the female colleague unless pressed.

On that basis, I'd be highly suspicious, although my husband is very transparent so if he was up to something I think I'd know, but then he'd never try to exclude me from a weekend event anyway, he likes me to come to everything- and if this were him, he'd be thinking how we could all meet up at a pub on the way or something like that.

TooAswellAlso · 20/03/2016 13:59

With a female friend, there is always the possibility that it may be at least an emotional affair.

Really? With any friend of the opposite sex there's always a possibility of an affair?

KidLorneRoll · 20/03/2016 14:01

I really don't see why it's more of a problem because it's a woman as opposed to a group or a bloke. Men are capable of having female friends without feeling the need to shag them.

If there is a reason to be distrustful that is, of course, a different matter.

DinosaursRoar · 20/03/2016 14:02

Hmm, if I was trying to seduce a man, letting him see me sweating and in cycling clothes with a firmly padded gusset wouldn't be my outfit of choice...

A lot of woman cycle. Realistically, if he's in a club, there's going to be a lot of woman in it too, a team/group ride will contain woman, unless you are going to tell him he has to give up his hobby, you can't 'protect' your marriage from the possiblity of him meeing someone else via his hobby like your sister's DP did. Would you have been 'put out' if he was on a group ride or riding solo, is it just that he's chosen to ride with someone else who's female that's made you feel 'put out'?

If don't share many interests, someone who's got a lot more in common with him will seem a threat, but then he's chosen to marry someone who doesn't share his hobbies. Short of trying to ban him having female friends or talking to the woman in the cycling club/his office, you can't really avoid him meeting someone else if that's going to happen, and if you've got to the stage of restricting friendships because you admit you don't trust your DP, the rot has already set in.

shazzarooney99 · 20/03/2016 14:04

I find it highly odd that you have never met her? i dont think your being unkind, i would feel very uncomfy about this.

ollieplimsoles · 20/03/2016 14:05

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. Sundays are a day off, and I would feel pretty put out that he chose to spend it with a friend cycling for the entire day.

I would not be happy of he husband went out on 'days out sightseeing' with another woman as well! What are you doing while he is doing this, just sitting at home?

DinosaursRoar · 20/03/2016 14:06

HormonalHeap - normally I'd agree that hte OP should be invited too, but then as she doesn't cycle, or at least, not at the same level/speed/ability, then it's not really practical to invite her along as she can't really join in, or rather, inviting her along would be an empty gesture as she couldn't keep up.

bearleftmonkeyright · 20/03/2016 14:10

I am a bit of a fairweather cyclist but I am in a club and the last time I was out on the shortest ride there was a guy who led it and there was just me and another lady. We had never met before and I have seen him about since. He was a good laugh and I would happily go out on another bike ride with him. The other lady who came with us was single but we just went out for a bike ride. That really was it. I also had to make them both stop as I needed an al fresco pee. There is nothing romantic or datey about cycling. But, I say this with a caveat as the OP hasn't given us much to go on. It's just how I perceive the situation from my own experience.

abbsismyhero · 20/03/2016 14:12

she could have gone and had lunch with them and arranged to meet them after surely?

Marynary · 20/03/2016 14:17

Mary, as far as I can understand, your comment doesn't do anything to refute mine. I'm still no clearer on why an old opposite-sex friend is more OK than a new one.

Why doesn't it explain it? I wouldn't want DH to go on outings or meals with an opposite sex friend if there was a chance there was any romantic interest on either side. That isn't because I don't trust him. It is because I just wouldn't like it. There as less chance that there is any romantic interest (on either side) if it is an old opposite-sex friend (in our case often 20 to 30 years) than if it is a new one.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/03/2016 14:24

Not unreasonable to be pissed off. He's chosen to spend the day with someone else , has gone to lunch with her as a couple and sightseeing.

He's investing far too much in his friendship with no regard for your feelings. What a selfish git.

At least you can watch what you like on the tv, instead of being forced to sit through rugby highlights.