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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel a little miffed that DH is out for the day with a female friend

589 replies

skinofthericepudding · 20/03/2016 10:03

My DH told me a few days ago that he'd be out cycling today. and would need the car. I asked a couple of days ago what time he would be back, and he said late afternoon. I happened to ask who he was cycling with (he belongs to a couple of cycling groups) and he said that it was a female friend. He has met her few times for lunch etc and they have been to a local town for the day together for lunch and sight seeing. They used to work together and I have to admit that they probably have more shared interests than we do! I have never met her, but can't help feeling a little put out that he's spending Sunday with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
TooAswellAlso · 20/03/2016 12:05

But having re read your title, yanbu to be a little miffed, I think that's a natural reaction almost.

SoupDragon · 20/03/2016 12:08

God forbid that someone want to be friends with a member of the opposite sex. obviously they will be shagging each other - I mean how could they possibly resist? What other possible reason could there be for them to be friends?

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2016 12:09

I suppose it's the phrase 'feel the need' that I don't really get. Why describe meeting up with friends as 'feeling the need' to? It's a bit of a prurient choice of words.

And why are old friends so different from new ones? Presumably the old friends were all new once...?

AnyFucker · 20/03/2016 12:14

We're definitely going to have a chat when he gets back.

I'd have had a "chat" ^before" he went, tbh.

Marynary · 20/03/2016 12:15

And why are old friends so different from new ones? Presumably the old friends were all new once...?

Old friends are different because if they wanted to be together then probably something would already have happened, particularly if they knew your DH/partner before you did. There is more likely to be issues with new friends. Even if you totally trust your DH, it is very annoying if their new "friend" decides there could be more between them.

Nanny0gg · 20/03/2016 12:17

It's not even the possibility of an affair.

Why does he do lunch and sight-seeing with her and not you?

I'd be hurt.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 20/03/2016 12:26

What it seems to boil down to is the fact that it is a rare day off together and you would have liked to have spent it together. However, you need to talk more and be proactive if this is the case. Say, we don't get many days off together, can we spend Sunday together just us? If you feel he makes time for you as a couple you won't mind him going on a hobby day with anyone.

I imagine that if the issue is that you don't feel a priority, then you would be hurt whoever he was with.

Ask yourself this: if he had chosen to go out for a day cycling alone for some down time, would you still be as hurt? If you would, you know the issue is wanting to be a higher priority to him. If not, you know the issue is that he's spending time with another woman.

WildwestWind · 20/03/2016 12:27

I'd be disappointed that he was out with anyone in preference to me. Whatever sex they were. Sounds like you need to chat about me time and us time and agree a balance.

Jw35 · 20/03/2016 12:27

Nope I wouldn't like it! I don't care what people say about being daft/controlling or whatever, I wouldn't want my oh to have female friends he might spend all day with one to one.

NickiFury · 20/03/2016 12:28

If I met her and knew her then fine. If not I wouldn't like it at all.

ToastDemon · 20/03/2016 12:28

As Nanny0gg says, it's not just about thinking someone is going to be shagging vs trusting them. There's a massive grey area that encompasses everything from feeling a little hurt or jealous, to an emotional affair, before actually getting into the realm of sex.
I appreciate the boundaries in place in my relationship wouldn't suit everyone but they suit us, no-one is being controlling/controlled and we're both happy.
So this scenario would fall outside the boundaries of my relationship, but they clearly don't for everyone else.
Hence the differences of opinion.
What I will say, a lot of people seem to assume that you trust someone or you don't, and that someone is the type to cheat or they are not.
Whereas most people probably consider themselves good people and intend to be faithful to a spouse or partner, but wind up developing feelings for someone else due to proximity and not being self-aware or self-disciplined enough to nip things in the bud.
This is where boundaries are useful, it makes these scenarios far less likely to occur.

Viviennemary · 20/03/2016 12:36

I simply just would not stand for this. It's not a cycling club with just the two of them. That's how these affaris start. Just an innocent few drinks, meals or even cycling with a friend. It's a date. Tell him you will be filing for divorce for unreasonable behaviour or find a male partner to do a hobby with and see how he likes it. This needs to be nipped in the bud without delay.

ADishBestEatenCold · 20/03/2016 12:39

Do you have children, skinofthericepudding?

Just wondering if there was any reason why you couldn't have gone too, or (if you don't cycle) any reason why he couldn't have asked you to meet them for lunch.

Does he think you were busy today? Did he even ask you what you were doing today?

RoboticSealpup · 20/03/2016 12:40

Some people make new friends often and easily. Some people are very active with hobbies and friendships. If your DH is that kind of person, I don't think I'd be that worried. If, however, he is not someone who normally socialises very much of makes new friends very often, that suggests there's something 'special' about this particular friend that makes him want to meet up with her.

My DH is not very sociable and prefers to spend practically all his free time with me and DD. I'm the same. If he suddenly wanted to spend a Sunday out with another woman one on one I would find that very strange. It's almost unthinkable. But that's because of how he normally behaves. We don't know your DH, but you do.

DrDreReturns · 20/03/2016 12:40

DW is going for a day out with a male friend in a couple of weeks, just the two of them. Not a problem for me (though I have met the guy). It would be really controlling of me to object imo.

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2016 12:42

I'd be disappointed that he was out with anyone in preference to me.

So your DP/DH shouldn't ever go out with friends, or on his own, but only ever with you? Confused Does the same apply to you, or are you allowed out without him?

And I find the mentality that old friends have 'tested' your DP's willpower not to have an affair, and that he's been found trustworthy, really sad. I mean, maybe I'm weird, but I tend to assume that my DP won't have an affair, because he loves me and is committed to me, as I love him and am committed to him. We both manage to have friends of the opposite sex (both old and new!) without jumping their bones.

FindoGask · 20/03/2016 12:46

Do you usually spend all of your weekends together? If he's a member of a cycling club, I imagine it's not unusual for him to cycle one day of the weekend so perhaps he doesn't see the issue; his focus could be on getting a day's cycling, not seeing this friend.

Of course there could be more to it, and I think it's a good idea to talk it through with him, but on the face of it I wouldn't see the problem (as someone who also spends parts of the weekend on my own interests)

witsender · 20/03/2016 12:48

Lunch and sightseeing is a couply thing to do.

rookiemere · 20/03/2016 12:48

I agree with you OP I'd find this weird.

It's great that he has got a hobby but spending lots of solo time with Ms pert cycling bottom that you've never met, sounds like he is getting dangerously close to emotional affair territory.

At the least I'd want to meet her and I don't see what's wrong with telling your DH that you feel uncomfortable about this and you'd like to plan nice days out together sometimes.

Do you have DCs?

OvertiredandConfused · 20/03/2016 12:51

DH and I have independently been friends with a guy since before we got together. So, we see him and his partner together and we both see him separately. I also see his partner separately.

In fact, I was out on Friday night with just this guy. We had a fab time. I think because he knows me as part of a couple AND before I was, he knows the real me.

Burgerbobismydad · 20/03/2016 12:54

Nope. Wouldn't like it one bit. It wouldn't happen!

FantasticButtocks · 20/03/2016 12:56

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! YANBU

rookiemere · 20/03/2016 12:58

But that's very different overtired. Both you and your DH know your friend and his partner.
Critically OP has not met this woman and we don't know if she has a partner or not but I'm kind of suspecting not.

OohMavis · 20/03/2016 12:59

Do you do much together as a couple?

The thing that would make me pause is that he didn't say "ricepudding, I've arranged to go cycling with Miss Cyclingbuddy on Sunday, likely to be an all day thing, we didn't have plans did we?"

Instead he drip-fed and you had to ask. That's weird. I meet up with male friends quite often and I'm never vague, why would I be?

SecretWitch · 20/03/2016 13:00

YANBU. Don't care how other people manage their marriages. My dh and I prioritise each other over anyone else. Let him know how you feel.

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