To think my children would be better raised by me

[kidscomefirstendof]

AIBU to think my children will be better off being raised by me, without a load of boyfriends, stepdads, and so on?

I feel it will be more stable for them to have one adult than someone who they don't even know living in their space?

I think you should apologise for suggesting callit puts her sex life ahead of her children - that is a horrible thing to say and cannot be justified by 'I was just answering your question honestly' - that's not an excuse for being offensive.

I do STG but that should be done in a way that doesn't berate me for mine.

I think there are two stems here.

Firstly that I should not feel pressured to have a relationship I do not want. Some disagree: they think I am not modelling healthy relationships to children and that I have no life. Okay.

Secondly that anyone who does have a relationship is wrong/selfish.

No, I don't think that but I do think that there's an assumption that a single parent should not stay single which is touched on in point one and also that no matter what the children are okay with it and I don't think that is true.

However I concede I am extremely wary on point 2 because of bad experiences.

No STG, I said 'my impression is' that's not the same thing. I'm afraid I am not sorry for it as it was the impression that was given which was I think that relationships were the priority. I don't know her, it was an impression loosely formed on several posts on the thread and consequently I was asked to answer.

After all in fairness no one has held back from offering their opinion of me as someone who has been abused, needs councilling has no life a martyr and so on!

A couple of points -

Firstly, my impression is hat you started this thread to berate parents who do not stay single.

Secondly, re. counselling/counselling - it is considered rude on MN to make fun of/point out people's spelling mistakes.

Grr - that, not hat.

It was a joke SDT, and arguably it's ruder to tell someone they need counselling but hey.

I'm not really berating anybody. I do think, and I can't pretend I don't, there's some awful parents out there - mostly men - who put their children last and expect them to squash info whatever lifestyle they choose for themselves. It just surprises me that's seen as more acceptable than 'my' way. Was that Fred Astaire who sang that?

Anyway my own spelling has been awful tonight as well I keep missing letters for some reason as well, must be something in the water.

I agree that it's better to raise a child alone than in an unhappy relationship with an unsuitable partner - be that the child's natural parent or a step-parent.

But I disagree that being in a relationship diverts your attention away from your child. That is bollocks. You could say the same about the child's natural parent. There is no earthly difference between Mum & Dad having a relationship with each other and with their child, and Mum & Step-Dad having the same.

I think it is healthy for children to have a loving relationship modelled for them. My son cringes when my partner (not his dad) kisses me, because he's 7. He cringes when people on TV kiss. But I'm not going to stop the shows of physical affection, because I want him to grow up knowing that this is what loving relationships look like. They are emotionally supportive and (appropriately!) physically affectionate.

If our children don't see what a good relationship looks like, how will they know what to look for in their own?

YABU. But you also sound damaged by your upbringing. I was raised by a step-dad. He was - and is - the most wonderful man. Try and open your heart a little. People shouldn't judge you for choosing to be single. That's nonsense. But choose for the right reasons. Yours is a bit skewed.

I agree it doesn't always Cauli but it can - especially if th subsequent partner has children.

I guess if there's one thing we can all take from the thread it's that every situation is unique :)

"It was a joke SDT, and arguably it's ruder to tell someone they need counselling but hey."

Someone tells you that you've offended them - you claim justification. Someone tells you that you've done something considered to be rude on here - you claim justification.

I am beginning to see a pattern - one that says you can't accept you are in the wrong, even slightly.

If I hurt or offend someone, even by accident, I apologise, because I think that is the decent thing to do.

I take it your step-parent came with added step-siblings for you, too?

Every situation is unique, yes. And it can all go tits up. Blended families bring additional complications. But they can also work, and they do work, for lots of families.

You're making really big life decisions based purely on fear. What if it all goes wrong?

What if it doesn't?

What if my children suffer?

What if they're actually enriched by the experience?

Take your damage and use it in a positive way to inform your future relationships. You'll NEVER put a partner before your kids, because that is a trigger for you. So it just won't happen. You'll never lose focus. You'll never introduce them to someone you don't think will enrich their world and stand by them, because that is also a trigger for you. You'll take the time to introduce any future partner carefully and in a way that doesn't fuck your kids up, because THAT is a trigger for you.

Seriously, you're the best person to have a relationship with someone and introduce them to your kids. You know all the things you need to do to make it work.

Stay single because you want to, not because you're scared.

It was all very polite mostly until page 6.

I do want to stay single at the moment cauliflower - thanks :)

kids I think you have gone about this thread in the wrong way. However, I understand your questioning and what you say about people finding it 'odd' and thinking it's essential.

I'm a single mum. I've had friends (who are, in the majority, no longer friends) who have tried and tried to get me with any man with the ability to say 'hello' to me, because they think I need it, should need it and want it. To go further, I HAD one friend who was convinced that I just needed sex with anyone and suggested paying for an escort for my birthday. This is a friend who knows very well that I'm rather old fashioned and nobody is getting in my underwear!!! She also tried to 'change' me, tell me that I needed to wear more revealing clothes and do things I have zero interest in.

I hated it. I quite like being me! I have zero desire to go and meet random men on the off chance I may like one. I'm fine. However, there is someone I like, naff all happening (sadly), but it wasn't something I ever intended and I certainly wasn't expecting someone to interest me like he does. But I do like the dreams! :)

Anyway, I know there are people out there who see us as having no life because we're single, thinking we need 'a good seeing to' and blah blah blah, and it does get annoying. It does make you wonder if you're seriously abnormal at times, but then I may be abnormal as it's not just a case of parenthood for me, it's just me being me

But then I always told myself I wouldn't want my son to have a stepdad. I certainly would never have men in and out, ever. As it stands, with my son turning 18 next year there would be no step parent living with him ever now anyway. But should I have had someone special I think my opinion on the matter may well have changed, but I don't know, it's not a simple thing as far as I'm concerned and kids do come first.

I think we can all say what we ideally want, but I think sometimes life just throws something up.

Then again, I too know of single mums who have to get out there and find someone else asap and don't seem to be able to function properly without doing so. They also tend to be the ones who do put their kids on the sideline to a degree. They also tend to be the ones who think it's all about sex!

It sounds like your experience of pressure to have another relationship is something that you obviously feel very, very strongly about.

But people don't seem to have experienced the same on here... Which is possibly one reason why this thread feels so strident and extreme. As you are fighting back against something that isn't a shared experience.

I have never had any pressure to date/ shag around/ move in or any other way of launching myself onto the nearest penis. I feel completely comfortable with choosing to stay without a partner and, at the moment, focusing on my little boy.

Personally, I need to heal, I need to develop my self esteem, and ability to tell the difference between a good & bad relationship dynamic before I get into another. This is my choice, I don't discuss it particularly, but even so, I don't get the pressure to mate.

And also, I don't judge others who are at a different point in life. I would never try and force others to follow the path I set or adhere to the family structure I have decided on.

But it sounds like you do want to do that, which is why this whole thread has riled people somewhat, whether it was meant or not.

Thank you for that lovely post Trip I wish you well

From what I can gather, you had 3 step-mothers that came with children of their own, and your relationship with the father of your child/ren was crappy. I can see why you might be thinking that men are shitty and blended families are damaging. This isn't the case for most people. It's the exception rather than the norm. But it's your experience.

You're totally, 100% wrong when you say that parents who form new relationships aren't putting their children first though. While it is true that some parents selfishly get wrapped up in their own dramas and make their children utterly miserable in the process - this happens to kids living with their natural parents. It is exception, not norm.

My son comes first in my relationship. He is central to it. My partner - the man acting as my step-dad - wouldn't have it any other way. There was a great deal of tension in our house on Tuesday night, between me and my son, which was resolved just before bed but which was pretty dramatic. My partner and I had a date night scheduled on Wednesday. He asked if we should postpone the date so I could spend some proper time reinforcing the reconciliation between me and my son. There are men out there that understand.

I hope you're not a troll.

That's not really correct cauliflower and I am certainly not a troll.

Take care.

Being narrow minded and self-obsessed, and being a troll, are not the same thing.

There are people who prioritize having a romantic/sexual relationship over their children's wellbeing. We live in a culture which constantly reinforces the idea that a woman is nothing without A Man In Her Life. Sometimes, women can be so desperate not to be single that they will introduce a thoroughly inadequate or harmful man into their children's home - though it's also worth remembering that the desperation which leads them to do this can be economic as much as about them being penis-crazy. We've had centuries of women being expected and encouraged to seek a male 'provider' because they had no other way of bringing in money. There are also women so desperate not to be single that they remain in a relationship with the father of their children despite the fact that he's a violent arsehole/a sexual predator/an addict or alcoholic - and, again, women who remain with vile men because they feel they have no other options, particularly now refuge funding and social housing are almost non-existent.

But there are also plenty of single parents who have enjoyable sex lives which have as much impact on their children as those single parents having one night a week off to go to a yoga class or the cinema.

Solid

Society has always been the same, historically. Difference now, unlike then, is women can now survive without having a male breadwinner in the family. This was not the case even 100 years ago in working class families.

Is this troll still here?

I feel sorry for you OP. Firstly for your obvious ishoos with your upbringing and sex (?!), secondly because either:

A) you think that trolling single parents on a Saturday night is a good use of your time

or

B) you are so incapable of putting together a reasoned argument that you can't put your point across without offending people

Sad.

Yes, I'm still here, I am not a troll, the thread had been nice and quiet until last night. Anyone would think you wanted an argument. We just don't agree on this subject.

Why start a thread if you don't want a discussion?

Very strange.

I think we discussed it last night, and since you're quite adamant (though not correct) that it was a thread created to troll it seems a bit strange you'd take it to the top of active discussions straightaway but we don't all go about things the same way.

Op if your children really come first then why aren't you living with their Dad? Shouldn't children have both parents?