To request no children at my Mum's funeral?

[missmalteaser]

I know I am deep in grief and anger stages right now so maybe not thinking straight.

I know that my mum would not have wanted her two Great grandchildren to be upset (they are 3 and 6)/attend her funeral, so I politely asked the mum of the children (nephew's partner) if she could veto the service and bring them straight to the wake as these are the wishes of my Dad and I truly believe the wishes of my late mum. She is still insisting on bringing them and has also caused a rift between us and nephew at a time when we should be pulling together. Her excuse is lack of childcare, although her mum and dad are heavily involved with the children.

As an aside, selfishly I don't want toddlers interrupting my final goodbye to my Mum.

Please help.

I agree with you, OP. I didn't bring my children to dad's funeral ( because they were 0.4 and 2.4) and I wanted to sit and say a proper goodbye to dad and talk to family friends I hadn't seen for years. My partner brought them to the do after for introductions when the mood was lighter and it was more appropriate for them to wriggle and run about. Your wishes come before the childrens need for 'an experience'. Wishing you love and strength. X

owl I'm from South Wales, and was not allowed to go to my father's funeral! I was 30ffs.

My mother didn't go either; widows didn't, for some reason.

It isn't always an experience for children though and it's pretty dismissive to refer to it like that.

I've already said on this thread that I found it helpful even as s 4 yo to go to my sisters funeral. I wasn't there for the experience, or to get used to funerals of any other bollocks. I was there to say goodbye and (according to my mum) help her and my dad get through the day.

Sorry, X post.

This needs to be sorted out by your sibling. You obviously meant well, but if your nephew won't listen to a parent, they are unlikely to be swayed by you. I would also keep communication with his partner to a minimum.

Your nephew should not have told you what she said at this upsetting time as her thoughts don't have much bearing on the matter. She might be a complete idiot, but his children are his responsibility.

absolutelynotfabulous are those funeral customs still in place now?? How awful for you.

i wouldn't take my three year old to a funeral he is wild and untrained (currently sleeping like an angel next to me) but my dd when she was three was different placid and easily bribed with a colouring book

i guess what im saying is it depends on the temperament of the child as to if this is a reasonable request or not

squoosh I'm not sure, tbh. This was 25 years ago now. I was reminded of it when I read this thread. I'd like to have gone, but it was out of the question. I didn't think anything of it at the time.

Oh my goodness, missmalteaser. You have behaved impeccably, under extraordinarily difficult circumstances. It has actually upset me to think that anyone could be so cruel to the son, daughter and husband of a woman who has so recently passed away.

Some of the posts here have upset me too.

Condolences on the loss of your mum. I lost mine a few years back so I know how incredibly difficult and heartbreaking it is

Having experienced this at my father's funeral, when a small child, non-relative, screamed through my uncle trying to speak and his parents did not leave the room with him. I think if a parent choses to take child they must leave the room at the point where it causes disturbance to the other attendees

OP
I am sorry to read your last post. It seems like there is not much more to be done. I would let the dust settle for now but I can see how it might affect your future relationship with them.
I imagine it's the last thing any of you need right now.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

When I took dd (then 18m) to my aunt's funeral, they had organised a room for children to play in. They weren't excluded from the funeral, but if a child got restless or distressed they could be taken into the room so they didn't upset people. It simply required the parent of the child to be cooperative and to anticipate the child's behaviour so they were taken out before they kicked up too much of a fuss.

In fact, all the children and babies behaved beautifully. I think they were all reacting to the solemnity of the congregation. Some cried, but so did adults, and they all cried quietly, no bawling or running around etc.

But tiggy the op's dad doesn't want children there, and not would her mum. The children are welcome at the wake, and other suggestions to allow them to say goodbye to their great grandmother have been made.

There have been posters here who have justified overriding the wishes of a bereaved husband and his wife by talking about it being an important learning experience for children. It's not surprising that others take offence.

Going to my grandparents funerals around those ages was helpful and I even read a letter out to them. I think it would have been really hard not to be allowed to go.

So your nephew was asked by his own parent not to bring the children to the service and now he's not talking to his own parents, who has just lost his/her own mum? That's extremely selfish of him and his partner. I understand he is grieving too but he needs to think of others too.

I don't know why I assumed your nephew's parent is your brother's child, op. I'm sorry to confuse things.

Sorry again, that your nephew is your brother's child I meant.

I'm so sorry for your and your families loss.

But I don't think any one person has the right to refuse someone go into a church and say their final goodbyes.

Perhaps her parents are away that weekend? Maybe she feels her DCs need to say goodbye?

I am sure this is very hard for you but it's about grief and nobodies grief should be minimised.

I hope the funeral goes as well as can be expected.

On a side note I didn't go to my great grandmothers as DD was 2 and Mum said nobody would want/expect her there as it was a Catholic funeral. I didn't give a crap about this but I agreed. When my Gran goes though I am refusing not to go. I don't get on with my ILs and my Gran is in Ireland so I couldn't get someone to look after them.

I honestly can't see why my Gran wouldn't want them there except obviously seeing them sad. Otherwise she'd like how life goes on and I am sure I will feel the exact same.

Best wishes to you and your family OP.

I am sorry for your loss .

The great-grandchildren are also grieving. You can't just exclude them. The parents need to decide if it is appropriate. I take kids to family funerals, simply because I believe my grief doesn't trump theirs even if I am one or two degrees closer related to the deceased.

Sorry for your loss, OP
I would have hated to be distracted for even one second at the funerals of either of my parents by noises from children. Or their parents getting up to take them out after 30 seconds - better to have not brought them in the first place. I don't like sweet-wrapper rustling or chatting in the cinema either, but the funeral is of far greater importance, obviously.

It's not about the reaction of the children here, it's about not disturbing the principal mourners as they say goodbye, surely?

If this were a wedding, MN jury would be saying it's the choice of the bride and groom (equate to principal mourners) and if the children are not invited, then they don't go!

Absolutely agree with Thymeout's post about it not being a learning opportunity.

It can really depend on what kind of funeral it is. Some prefer a 'celebration of life', others have humanist ceremonies, others have short ceremonies in a crematorium, still others have religious ceremonies where the focus is not on mourning, the mourners, or 'closure' but on consecrating the soul of the deceased to God and people are there to pray to that end.

'The great-grandchildren are also grieving. You can't just exclude them'

Whilst technically you can't if it's in a church, you can express wishes to exclude them, particularly very young ones and it would be truly crass to go against the wishes of the next of kin.

I think the wedding comparison doesn't work, Bluetrews25. The principal mourners do of course set the tone, but do not have the sort of control bride and groom have.

Grandchildren and great grandchildren can also be among the principal mourners. Everyone who had a relationship with the deceased is a mourner and should have the right to say goodbye. Otherwise, where is the cut-off? What if the widow does not want the child of the dead person or the grandchild or brother?