To request no children at my Mum's funeral?

[missmalteaser]

I know I am deep in grief and anger stages right now so maybe not thinking straight.

I know that my mum would not have wanted her two Great grandchildren to be upset (they are 3 and 6)/attend her funeral, so I politely asked the mum of the children (nephew's partner) if she could veto the service and bring them straight to the wake as these are the wishes of my Dad and I truly believe the wishes of my late mum. She is still insisting on bringing them and has also caused a rift between us and nephew at a time when we should be pulling together. Her excuse is lack of childcare, although her mum and dad are heavily involved with the children.

As an aside, selfishly I don't want toddlers interrupting my final goodbye to my Mum.

Please help.

It may well seem inconsiderate and selfish but surely it should be sorted out between the OP and her sibling. Texting the nephew's wife seems an odd way to go about things.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It's a difficult situation with no easy answer. I wasn't allowed to attend the funeral of my grandfather, who died when I was 8, because my dad thought it was inappropriate - not because I might be noisy or misbehave but because he was trying to shield me from the idea of death, I think. All my cousins attended, including some younger ones. At the time, and for many years afterwards, I disagreed with this, because I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to someone I cared about and was left out of what was otherwise a gathering of the whole extended family, but as an adult looking back I recognise that my dad was grieving for his dad and that regardless of whether or not I'd make the same decision for my own children, he had to do what was most comfortable for him in the situation.

Personally, in your situation, I wouldn't have asked for children to be kept away, but since you have asked, it's unreasonable for your decision not to be respected.

Perhaps your mum said at of protecting them but I think you'll find anybody is allowed to go to a wedding or a funeral. I had total strangers sitting at the back of the church at our wedding which was a bit odd but they obviously liked watching weddings.

The children are 6 and 3 and I don't think they will be emotionally harmed by going and if they started playing up, I'm sure one of the parents would take them to the back etc.

I know emotions get fraught at funerals but it's really not worth falling out with your nephew over. Are you not very close with them? I think if you were, you really wouldn't be worrying over such a small matter. You've bigger things to worry about in organising the funeral for your mother. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to all fall out about it.

Taking dcs to a funeral when you've been asked not to, because YOU think dcs should attend, is like turning up in a red dress because you personally believe that a funeral is not an occasion for mourning but a 'celebration of life'.

The wishes of those organising the occasion should always be respected. It is, quite literally, not your funeral.

Echoing many PPs here to say that this is not about whether it's appropriate to take children to funerals but the wishes of OP's immediate family, especially her father. I find it unbelievably selfish that the nephew and his wife are causing this upset and being so inconsiderate. This is not an opportunity to teach their kids about death - it's a man saying goodbye to the person he has shared the majority of his life with in the way he feels most comfortable.

I would have liked to have gone to my Grandad's funeral at 7. My Grandma didn't want children there (I think it was a generational thing) so I didn't go. Mum explained why, I grieved in my own way and my Grandma got to say goodbye to her soulmate in the way that she wanted. It's not always about the kids.

Forgot to say - YANBU OP, and I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Im very sorry for your loss
Im sorry but yabu.

Threads like these make me so glad that where I'm from children are just included along with other family members. To me it seems unbelievably cruel to exclude children from a funeral, like their feelings don't matter, or they don't feel grief. On the other hand, if the spouse of the deceased wants no children there, then it is pretty disrespectful to just ignore them. It's a horrible situation all round.

OP
Ive just read your last comment.
I think if you said said to her in the first place that if the children get restless then could they be taken outside then I think that would be fair enough and all would be fine.
To actually say they cannot attend is a massive snub to a family members children. Also she said she could not get a babysitter.
Bare in mind the service is only about 25 mins long. She can always take them out if they start. You said yourself you have focussed on this to help you deal with the big stuff.
I do think in your time of grief you have been very unreasonable towards this lady and her kids. Hope you are OK. Grief is a shitty thing that makes us do and say maybe the wrong things at times. For you

Sorry for your loss op, but you can't ban people from going to a funeral. Hope everyone gets over the rift .

I agree that you can't"ban" anyone from a funeral. But a massive "snub"? Hardly. The children will not be any the wiser, being too young to understand. I doubt a child under the age of about 7 would have a clue.

It's not about the children; to my mind It's about the wishes of a dead woman, and I think the Op's relatives should respect that. Even if they don't like it.

There is also the issue that different families have very different 'traditions' around funerals.

In my family, women traditionally do not go to funerals. My mum, for example, only went to funerals 'as my dad's representative' if he was not able to go. Only in the last few years has she attended funerals 'as herself'. I have only been to one family funeral - my grandfather's - and that was a bit of a 'first'. There is never a 'wake' - a cup of tea in the church hall is about as far as it goes. Near-adult male children go to funerals of close family, no other children attend.

In other families, EVERYONE goes to funerals. I nearly caused serious offence in DH;'s family by suggesting that DH might not take a day off work to attend the funeral of a man he had never met, the husband of his second cousin.

In the OP, it may be that the nephew's partner is of a different funeral-going 'tradition' from the OP's direct family, and this may have completely different views about who 'should' go.

I think it can be quite frightening for children to see their adult relatives weeping. Personally I have never been to a funeral and seen a small child there.ibrhinkbrheir presence changes rbe atmosphere, and not on a good way

I think, also, that the 'snub' is to the nephew's partner - it says that it is more important that the children don't go, than that she does go - if she has no childcare, then those are the two choices. if she was close to the deceased, or wants to support her partner, or for whatever reason wants to attend the funeral, by banning her children the OP is basically saying 'Sorry, I don't want your children there more than I want you to be able to be there'.

I've been in that position for child-free weddings - we have no family support able to take children overnight (my children are mid teenagers and it is only a couple of weeks ago that DH and I had our second night together away from them since DS was born ). Friends / family having child-free weddings elsewhere in the country were quite clearly saying 'your children's absence is more important to us than your presence', and yes, that was hurtful at the time.

Why don't women go? Is it due yo your religion? Sorry for being nosey, I'm just interested

I don't think you can stop anyone going to a public funeral tbh. You can request they don't go but it's still up them. I'm sorry about the death of your mum but please don't all fall out about it

What does your sibling who is your nephew's parent think about this? And why didn't that sibling communicate your father's wishes to his/her son, instead of you an aunt? If my grandmother died and my mum said she would prefer me to not bring my son the the funeral I could understand that. But if my uncle sent me a message telling me he wasn't welcome, I'd find that very, very hard to deal with. And my mother would be incensed.

The only reason I can imagine that your nephew's parent isn't the one dealing with this is that they are already dead. At which point you have a young man who has already lost a parent, now going through the loss of his grandmother being told his children aren't welcome to say goodbye to her. I really hope that's not the case because that would be just an awful situation for him.

OwlLady,

seems to be a Welsh thing:

A Good welsh funeral

All my family were from South Wales originally.

Another reference:
forum.saysomethingin.com/t/a-question-about-welsh-funeral-customs/817

The reference to South eastern Wales rings very true, as it is exactly the area that all my grandparents were born in.

Totally agree with Swoosh that this would have been better handled by the OP's sibling and not sure why they're not involved.

I am sorry for your loss OP.

So sorry for your loss , I'm with you on this one. I don't think kids so young should be a funeral .

Thats really interesting. I never considered it would be traditionally different in Anglican or chapel due to country of origin. I suppose it is though for all sorts of reasons. I went to a publicans funeral and his coffin was taken on a horse drawn brewery wagon and it was different to any other funeral I have been to since. There were pearly kings and queens too!

Yy springer. That had occurred to me too

My nephew's parent is not dead ???

We have all spoken to him. Initially when we told him our wishes there was a huge argument with his parent and he lashed out. They are not speaking so I am trying to reason with him, but like I say I have told him it is fine now.

Someone has asked why he is not the focus of my anger, why his partner? The reason is that she told my nephew she is 'disgusted' by the behaviour of the immediate family - behaviour which has involved ONE POLITE MESSAGE relaying the wishes of my father, inviting them to the wake and saying perhaps they could come help plant a tree in honour of my mum. This was ignored as was my next message. Everyone is operating at heightened stress levels and I will never get over that she has chosen the most painful moment of my entire life to sulk about this and stir things up within the family. We are going through enough.

I appreciate all the comments, though I will never accept, even after grieving that I have behaved badly towards this woman. The exact opposite.

Me too Springer. If for some reason the children's grandparent won't be at the funeral, I think that would be difficult for the nephew.

Well after that post it is clear you're not being unreasonable and your nephews partner is behaving badly.