To request no children at my Mum's funeral?

[missmalteaser]

I know I am deep in grief and anger stages right now so maybe not thinking straight.

I know that my mum would not have wanted her two Great grandchildren to be upset (they are 3 and 6)/attend her funeral, so I politely asked the mum of the children (nephew's partner) if she could veto the service and bring them straight to the wake as these are the wishes of my Dad and I truly believe the wishes of my late mum. She is still insisting on bringing them and has also caused a rift between us and nephew at a time when we should be pulling together. Her excuse is lack of childcare, although her mum and dad are heavily involved with the children.

As an aside, selfishly I don't want toddlers interrupting my final goodbye to my Mum.

Please help.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude re "I don't think an adult grandson is loosely related" Yes, sorry that was my mistake I thought he was the OP's mum's nephew and not grandson. . That is not a loose relation. Apparently is is still not considered immediate family. I had not realised that. I still don't think their wishes should trump the Op's dads but I admit I got the relationships muddled! Sorry.

Did they spend lots of time with her? My nephew has never forgotten that he wasn't allowed at my dads funeral. He was 4 and is not 25.

My children were 5&6 at my DFIL's funeral and they were a great comfort to us. I would never have taken their chance to say goodbye away from them as they were very close to him.

Sorry for your loss

curren likewise re "My issue is, is that if dhs mum had banned my kids from her mothers funeral I would have hurt." I was mixed up about who was related to whom. I still don;t think kids would get a lot out of a funeral but I was confused and you were correct about family relationships.

I'm also really confused about where the parent of the nephew is all this, and why it was the wife of the nephew and not the nephew who is being communicated with?

My husband's gran died some years ago and he was devasted. He also happened to luckily be visiting his family (overseas) at the time and was able to attend the funeral. I felt quite bad that I was unable to support him, but he had all his siblings there with him and we talked on the phone. But if it had happened when we had a child, I'm trying to imagine how I would have felt if his mother's sister, who I've met only a few times, had texted me and asked me and daughter to stay away from the funeral. I'd probably be quite taken aback (why did she contact me? why not DH? why not his mum? it would just seem weird), but I'd put it down to grief behaviour, and avoid engaging further.

OP, I suggest you leave her be for your own piece of mind. If you want to engage further (which I think is probably not worth it for your headspace), can you communicate with your nephew, or ask his parent to do and put it off on them. It is their father's wishes as well, too, rigtht?

ItalianGreyhound
It took me a few to realise what the relationship was. If he had been a more distant relation I would have said that their wishes didn't count too.
I think it is for the OP's sibling to sort out with his/her son.

I'll PM you

I'm another that doesn't think related children should be excluded from funerals. I've taken mine to several family funerals and everyone has been really pleased they have been there.

On the other hand as they have specifically been asked by the surviving spouse not to bring the kids they should comply.

In my opinion yabvu.
Your dn and his wife are best placed to determine how the death of their dcs great grandma will affect their dc.
Your attempts at controlling how best they do this must be upsetting to them. I know that if I had received the text messages from my aunt that you have sent, telling me that my family are excluding my dc at a time when we should be supporting each other I would be upset and angry.

I know this is a difficult time for you but you seem to be behaving extremely badly towards your extended family and this may partly explain the rift.

Yanbu.

These are the wishes of the deceased, the spouse of the deceased and the child of the deceased. How anyone would go against the wishes of those people is beyond my comprehension.

few minutes not "few"

UnderTheGreenwoodTree I also spent a lot of time looking at flowers this month, it was very helpful.

pinkflowerbluesky my dd is not on the spectrum so she is NT. You are perfectly entitled to your opinion, as I am to mine. My comments were not excursively about 11 year olds, they were about young children (like the ones in question) but I also included reference to my own kids, who are 5 (similar to the older one in the opening post) and 11.

If other family members are delighted at their presence at the funeral that is great but if their presence is a disruption then it is not helpful.

Personally, when I go I am more than happy for tons of kids to be there! But this is not the case for some people. My dad's death was an utter shock. My mum's was expected. Even that may affect how we feel about the funeral. For my mum it will be a celebration of her life because she was, I believe, ready to go.

Of course children have as much right to grieve as adults, they may do it better away from a funeral, where they can ask questions. These one, two and three years olds are very, very unlikely to remember being at a funeral or to understand anything about death at all. Their presence at the funereal is solely, IMHO, for the benefit of their own parents.

The parents may think they have their kids best interest at heart but I very much doubt young kids would understand they were 'saying goodbye' to a great grandmother! It is totally different if it is a close family relative like sibling or parent. expatinscotland I have heard kids do not understand the finality of death and I know my dd found it very hard to udnerstand when she was little.

pinkcan

The parent of the nephew is also a child of the deceased and we don't know what their wishes are.

I wouldn't demand that my young children under 6 attend my grandmother's funeral if my aunt or uncle felt it was inappropriate. I'd work something out; DH would probably keep them outside or my ILs would have them for the duration.

While my grandmother is obviously my grandmother, she's their mother -- and they have a right to be able to grieve in a quiet and calm way. My children's relationship to their great grandmother does not override that.

So, to me, OP's DN and his wife are showing a distinct lack of understanding and, dare I say, respect to other members of the family.

cecinestpasunepipe so sorry for the loss of your dh. The funeral sounds a lovely and fitting tribute, I hope mine is just like that.

OP's DN and his wife are showing a distinct lack of understanding and, dare I say, respect to other members of the family.

But maybe nephew's parent/Op's sibling is all for the children attending. So perhaps they're in a rock and a hard place situation with his parent saying 'yes I want my grandkids there' and his aunt saying 'We'd rather your children didn't attend'.

OP, it sounds as if the nephew and his partner are going to do whatever they want to do despite what anyone else says.

It might even mean that they'll see sense and respect your Dad's wishes and not actually turn up with the children. OTOH they might turn up but the children prove to be well behaved and a breath of fresh air on such a sad occasion.

For that reason I would say (and I do mean this in the nicest, kindest possible way so please take it as such) that you need to try and step back from the situation and not let this difference of opinions taint the memories of your mum or affect your grieving.

You need to able to say your goodbyes without being annoyed, angry or upset at family members . I know it's difficult but try to put aside those emotions about nephew etc and allow yourself to grieve for your Mum.

My son was 7 when my mum died and came to the funeral. It was his choice and since I had to take him out of school to go, childcare would have been no issue. By then he had already been to 3 wakes aged 2, 5 and 6. On each of those occasions he went to nursery/school and was collected and bought straight to the wake by my DH. The service took place earlier in the day.

Taking children to funerals was not done when I was growing up. If asked, mum may have thought he was to young to give Having said that it never occurred to me to prevent him if he wanted to come. They were very close. I had cared for her and he had visited her with me in hospital and care home. He was a star on the day. I explained everything in advance and he wasn't phased by it at all. She would have been incredibly proud.

I have never come across people asking for children to stay away from a funeral. Generally these things are discussed but mostly it is up to the parents. Having said that, I would never take a child if asked not to by closest relatives.

It isn't clear how close the family concerned were to your mum from your post. If close then it is more reasonable for them all to want to come. The childcare issue may be genuine and the mum may want to support her DH - the GS and be unable to go if not with the children.

Sorry for your loss OP

pinkflowerbluesky re Out of interest, do those who believe children should be exempt from funerals think this also applies when a parent or sibling has passed away?

No, of course when it is a close relative children should be there if at all possible as I think it can help them, if they are old enough to understand they are actually there (e.g. not sure babies or very young toddlers may be able to understand much).

It is up to parents in this situation, who would also be the chief mourners.

For the record, personally, I do not believe in a blanket ban in children being excluded from funerals at all. But for some people it is harder to cope with kids, who are sometimes quite noisy, it does get harder to handle noise etc from young kids as one gets older.

It is totally different if it is a close family relative like sibling or parent. And lots of people have said it is different.

I also feel the OP's sibling (if alive of course) should be handling this tricky situation.

I do know someone who was not allowed to go to her grandparents funeral aged about 10. It has sadly affected her and taken her a long time to get over. If anyone is affected by issues like this I would recommend some counselling or particular bereavement counselling.

I've had counselling for anxiety and it really helped a lot. There is no need to suffer on, one can talk about and think about how this affected a person and can then move on.

NorbertDentressangle (what a fabulous name). I do agree re "For that reason I would say (and I do mean this in the nicest, kindest possible way so please take it as such) that you need to try and step back from the situation and not let this difference of opinions taint the memories of your mum or affect your grieving.

You need to able to say your goodbyes without being annoyed, angry or upset at family members . I know it's difficult but try to put aside those emotions about nephew etc and allow yourself to grieve for your Mum."

Must go off now for lunch. Bless you OP this is so hard. please do PM me is you wish to and remember bereavement counselling at some point. www.cruse.org.uk/

I think not wanting children to go to a funeral to prevent them being upset is short sighted. If children are not allowed to experience these things at an age when they will learn to cope, they will grow up not being able to deal with life's issues, and end up suffering from anxiety problems. By wrapping children up in cotton wool, you will be doing them no favours.

Also, funerals are public events, and you cannot prevent anyone from attending.

Sorry for you loss OP, I can only imagine how tough things are for you right now.

I don't think the issue is whether or not kids should be at funerals in general but the fact that someone has been asked not to bring their kids to this funeral but is insisting on doing so anyway which is fucking rude and entitled!!

I'm very sorry for your loss. I am sure it hurts like hell.

I mean this gently, but you are the one potentially creating a rift here by focusing on this issue to channel your anger toward, and hopefully your nephew and his wife will understand that you're in a very difficult place at the moment and will just let it slide rather than letting it damage your relationship. I think it's a very unusual thing to do to contact close family members (and a grandson and his family would be considered close family members in most families) and tell them who can come to the funeral.

I feel very sorry for your nephew's wife. Why is she the one getting these texts, why don't you deal with your nephew (or if possible, his parent who is your sibling?) directly? Through no fault of hers, your nephew's wife is now in the position of having to balance 1. supporting her husband who wants his kids there and is presumably grieving for his gran, 2. doing what's best for her children, which, particularly for the six year old, very well might be having the opportunity to say goodbye with the rest of the family, and 3. trying to keep the peace with you, when what you're asking of her (and again, why her? why not your nephew, and why not talk to him directly?) might genuinely be impossible due to childcare issues. Unless she misses the funeral herself, and your mum's grandson doesn't have her to support him on the day.

It is really unfair to scapegoat an in-law at a difficult family time and make your anger all about her. Really unfair.

All of that said, grief is so, so hard, and I hope that you get through it okay and that regardless of who else is there on the day, you feel on the day of the funeral that you have been able to say goodbye to your mum and best friend as you want to.

The thing is, our parents don't belong to us.

I can't stand my aunt (dads sister) but I did not have the right to insist she didn't attend his funeral.

But maybe nephew's parent/Op's sibling is all for the children attending. So perhaps they're in a rock and a hard place situation with his parent saying 'yes I want my grandkids there' and his aunt saying 'We'd rather your children didn't attend'.

This is possibly a slightly worse scenario. Here, OP's sibling would be insisting that his/her grandchildren come to his/her mother's funeral, despite the wishes of his/her father (thespouse) and siblings.

This is like my mother insisting my pre-school children go to my grandmother's funeral against the wishes of my granddad, my aunt and uncle.

It seems very inconsiderate and selfish.