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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request no children at my Mum's funeral?

476 replies

missmalteaser · 19/03/2016 10:12

I know I am deep in grief and anger stages right now so maybe not thinking straight.

I know that my mum would not have wanted her two Great grandchildren to be upset (they are 3 and 6)/attend her funeral, so I politely asked the mum of the children (nephew's partner) if she could veto the service and bring them straight to the wake as these are the wishes of my Dad and I truly believe the wishes of my late mum. She is still insisting on bringing them and has also caused a rift between us and nephew at a time when we should be pulling together. Her excuse is lack of childcare, although her mum and dad are heavily involved with the children.

As an aside, selfishly I don't want toddlers interrupting my final goodbye to my Mum.

Please help.

OP posts:
HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 20/03/2016 14:04

Flashbangandgone excellent post.

As an aside, there were other children in the family who might have attended, but their parents didn't bring them because it would have been inappropriate for them to come if my mum's only grandchild wasn't. Nobody need to be asked, and nobody took offence, because they are all decent, thoughtful people.

grannytomine · 20/03/2016 14:05

HandsomeGroom, I don't think people should be forced to go to funerals. My siblings chose not to attend my father's funeral. One was older than me and one was younger, it was important to me to go. I also chose to go with my mother to the funeral parlour to see him before the funeral, again it was important to me but my siblings didn't want to do it. A friend of mine was forced to see her grandmother before the funeral and she found it very traumatic. I think it is a very individual thing and no one should make you feel bad for your decision.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 20/03/2016 14:09

Thank you granny Flowers

BackforGood · 20/03/2016 14:10

Excellent couple of posts HandsomeGroom

ReallyTired · 20/03/2016 14:14

I think immediate family are those who have shared a home with the deceased or would be considered to be next of kin for medical purposes. The son who has moved 200 miles away is immediate family because he lived with the deceased as a child and maybe next of kin. What makes an immediate relatively is completely subjective. Someone might feel very cut up with a step parent dies, but be less affected when their own (sperm donor) absent father dies.

With grand parents a lot depends how much time a child spends with that person. Some grandparents provide full time childcare and practically bring up the child. There are even some grandparents with parental responsibility. Two girls at my church were devastated when their grandmother had died as they lived with her. It was like losing a parent. Their household wad changed forever.

Flashbangandgone · 20/03/2016 14:17

grannytomine

What i should have said was that there are degrees of immediacy. I was closer (more immediate) to my parents and siblings than I was to my grandparents who I was very fond of but only saw a few times a year. If my mum had died when I was young, I think I should have attended her funeral.... Whereas I didn't attend my grandmother's and feel that was appropriate. My family helped us to deal with the loss in other ways.

expatinscotland · 20/03/2016 14:27

Dear god, people arguing about their rights to be at a funeral and carrying on about how children will be forever warped by not going. The self-centredness of some folks is astounding. Some things are really not all about you and yours. Mine did not go to the sister's funeral. This is the least of fallout from her death.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/03/2016 14:30

Miss so sorry for your loss and I do hope the surroundings of family will give you some small comfort.

Regarding the children, I think all you can do now is let it go. If they're determined to come with the children, then they will do, no amount of texting or calling will change that. Leave it with your brother/sister (even though they've fallen out with your nephew), it's really between them.

Personally I think it's wrong of them to go against the wishes of your dad, although possibly stating that it's because your mum wouldn't want them upset is a bit unhelpful (as it seems the nephew doesn't believe they will be upset by it).

A possible option to do now is to ask the person leading the funeral to give a small notice at the start about taking noisy/upset children out. Could this be helpful?

grannytomine · 20/03/2016 14:32

A possible option to do now is to ask the person leading the funeral to give a small notice at the start about taking noisy/upset children out. Could this be helpful?

Excellent advice.

BeaufortBelle · 20/03/2016 14:34

I think it depends whether people view a funeral as morbid and dismal or as a celebration of a life well spent and the safe journey into the Kingdom of Heaven.

A funeral is sad but it also brings together the community who will support the bereaved.

Most funerals I have attended have involved a public church service, either before or after the commital (I think that's the right phrase). It is quite customary only for the closest family to go to the burial or crematorium after the service.

grannytomine · 20/03/2016 14:37

Flashbangandgone, thanks for the clarification. Two of my grandchildren live round the corner, they sleep here two or three nights a week, depending on mums shifts. They go on holiday with me and call my house home, their parents have moved several times and are no longer together so my house is the most constant in their lives. They are definitely immediate family but my other grandchildren who live 200 miles away are also really close, they come and stay for a week or two at least 4 times a year and I visit them. In my family grandparents are really close to grandchildren, it was the same for me and my children. Of course none of us know how close the nephew was to his grandmother and how he is feeling. I suppose we all imagine family relationships like our own.

DisappointedOne · 20/03/2016 14:37

I think it depends whether people view a funeral as morbid and dismal or as a celebration of a life well spent and the safe journey into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Doesn't have to have anything to do with heaven.

IoraRua · 20/03/2016 14:52

I am Irish, and in general I don't mind kids being at funerals - but not when the deceased and partner do not want them there.
To me, immediate family are the very close members (partner, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters) who are considered next of kin.

BeaufortBelle · 20/03/2016 15:37

Actually disappointedOne I think that if the service takes place in a church or the Christian rites are read at a crematorium I think you will find it has rather a lot to do with entry into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Of course that would not apply to a humanist funeral but I didn't think that was at issue here.

Flashbangandgone · 20/03/2016 15:53

Ultimately it should come down to the wishes of the closest family... If they want children, fine... If they don't, also fine... Cultural factors will have a lot to do with it. But no one should dare be so presumptuous as to think they have the right to override the wishes of those closest to the deceased with some flimsy reason such as 'funerals are public events' or 'we are all grieving'...

PovertyPain · 20/03/2016 16:16

I have to laugh when I read about children being a comfort at funerals. So what happens if the chief mourner finds them a bloody nuisance! or are they not permitted to feel like that as they're supposed to put the kids first? I'm irish and grew up going to funerals, but I would still not disrespect the wishes of the main people involved. To all those saying they were distressed by not going, are you actually trying to compare that with the pain that a husband/wife/parent goes through?

kennyp · 20/03/2016 16:18

i've been to funerals when the children are at the wake, not a the service.

i think you're totally within your rights to say what you'd prefer. did you speak to your dad about it did you say? to be honest, if i was in the position you're in i'd even ring the samaritans or childline or someone totally impartial to get their input/opinion.

i would imagine that with hindsight you'd still be more pissed off if they were at the funeral than if you'd stood your ground and made sure that they didn't attend the service.

so sorry to hear about your mum. it's so unfortunate that you have this going on regarding the funeral too.

Flashbangandgone · 20/03/2016 16:23

I think it depends whether people view a funeral as morbid and dismal or as a celebration of a life well spent and the safe journey into the Kingdom of Heaven.

I really don't agree with your dichotomy.... Most funerals are neither depressingly dismal nor happy celebrations, but rather occasions where family and friends are assisted to grieve and come to terms with their loss by having a chance to show their respects, say goodbye, remember and celebrate the life of the deceased in a reverential atmosphere fitting with the magnitude of a death, either with or without a religious context to attempt to provide meaning to the event. By and large they are adult-centric events, though not necessarily.

amarmai · 20/03/2016 16:44

the family organising the funeral shd be respected obv.

Flashbangandgone · 20/03/2016 16:51

the family organising the funeral shd be respected obv.

You'd think it was obvious wouldn't you... Amazing how selfish some people are though!

iminshock · 20/03/2016 17:12

It matters not a jot what anyone else's view is of children and funerals.

This OP and her dad HAVE ASKED FOR CHILDREN NOT TO BE PRESENT.

paxillin · 20/03/2016 17:18

But children are not things. They are people. You can ask for people to not wear black, you cannot exclude people. So it isn't true that "it matters not a jot". OP's nephew is a grandchild with completely the same rights to be there as OP as are his children. It is just really sad that the funeral will cause such a rift. I feel for you, OP. It is really easy to turn on someone in one's anger and grief, I have done it myself and seen it many times.

tiggytape · 20/03/2016 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frika · 20/03/2016 17:29

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. I've dipped in and out of this thread, because it's a fascinating cultural leap for me to compare Irish mainstream attitudes to funerals vs those in this country. It's not just that children routinely attend funerals in Ireland without it being considered in any way a big deal, potentially traumatising, a 'learning experience', or a source of disruption - this thread has made me realize that a bigger cultural difference is that whereas in Ireland funerals are public occasions, advertised in the local papers/radio and essentially open to anyone who wants to attend, in this country funerals are essentially like private parties, organized by and arranged according to the wishes of the chief mourner, with a much more selective, invitation-only set of assumptions.

expatinscotland · 20/03/2016 17:30

'you cannot exclude people. '

Sure, you can! Happens all the time for all different reasons. Adult children ban an abusive parent from the other parent's funeral, the family ban a horrid ex-spouse from a person's funeral. My cousin banned her brother from their mother's funeral. He was in jail for stealing a huge sum of money from their mother and would have been able to go on day release/escorted, but she banned him. It's not a free for all.

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