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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should get a bit of time every weekend with DC

69 replies

KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 16:18

I have posted about this before but more in relation to maintenance.

So I used to have DC every Friday. One week I'd take them to ex on Saturday morning, the next week on Sunday morning. They always come back to me Tuesday after school.

This way we both got a bit of time with DC at weekends.

6 weeks ago Ex asked if we could change it so the weekend he has DC from Saturday, he would have them from Friday instead.

In hindsight I feel as this is so he could pay less maintenance.

I now only get to spend weekend time with my DC once a fortnight whereas he sees them every weekend. I do the lions share of shit school run bits.

Aibu? When questioned he said oh well we'll ask DC what they want to do, knowing full well they'll want to be with dad and their iPads, sweets and slack parenting.

OP posts:
sickofforgettingpassword · 18/03/2016 16:21

Can you swap so they go on the Friday evening on 'his weekend' and then the opposite weekend they are dropped off on Sunday evening in time for bed and they come back Tuesday?

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/03/2016 16:22

He shouldn't have them every weekend, it's not fair that he gets most of the fun time and you get the majority of the homework and school runs. Can you alternate - one week he gets Friday-Tuesday and then the next week he gets Tuesday-Friday?

I appreciate that might not be possible with work, though

Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 16:23

It's more the fact I'd like to see a bit of them every weekend rather than once a fortnight.

He gets to see them every weekend either way, I just feel that once a fortnight of quality time is too few and far between.

OP posts:
Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 16:24

He wouldn't be able to have them for that long in the week due to work commitments.

I'm getting very frustrated. He owes me £600 in maintenance and knows I'm struggling with the cost of shoes, uniforms etc.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 18/03/2016 16:28

The thing is, most NRP's get one midweek and EOW (normally Friday after school to Sunday) so as it stands, you're getting more quality time than most parents who've separated.

I really get that it's hard but I think the only fair way is that you each get EOW. You still get more time with them than he does.

If he owes you maintance, you need to go through CMS. Lack of maintenance shouldn't mean he gets less contact.

Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 16:30

But he gets every weekend.

We used to both get a bit of time every weekend.

OP posts:
Sunshine87 · 18/03/2016 16:33

I always protected one my days at the weekend and my ex proposed something similar to what you suggested but came up with this.

My current access
Wk1 fri 4.30 bringing back 5 on saturday, so i have sunday all day

Wk2 i have saturday and ex collects DS sunday 9am and takes him to school on the morning.

This enables both of us to have one day each at the weekend. Would this work OP?

callitdelta7 · 18/03/2016 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthel1ght · 18/03/2016 16:47

Why does he have them every weekend?

Change it so he has 1 night in the week and wow weekend from Friday evening to Sunday evening

You are complaining about him having them every weekend is unfair on you, well you having them every weekend is also unfair.

Better still ask your kids what they want

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 18/03/2016 16:47

Yanbu, he has all fun time and you have all the school runs, the tiredness on school nights, rushing to after school activities and much less of the fun time.

Can you go back to the previous arrangement where you had half the weekend each? Or he could have EOW with a night in the week every week

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/03/2016 16:51

I know, I was trying to say you went to EOW. So you each get them one full weekend each, and then he gets them one night midweek as well.

Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 16:59

Why does he have them every weekend?
Change it so he has 1 night in the week and wow weekend from Friday evening to Sunday evening

I think you have misunderstood. He has them for one whole weekend, then half of the next weekend.

He has them until Tuesday morning. He takes them to school Monday and Tuesday every week.

I feel we should both have time every weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 17:00

Hermione he already does have them one night in the week, they come home after school every Tuesday.

OP posts:
Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 17:02

I've said I want to go back to the previous arrangement which worked fine for 9 months (until he realised he had to pay more maintenance).

He said no. Then proposed we asked the DC who they'd rather spend the time with.... He lets them eat sweets and play on their iPads to their hearts content so obviously they will say him Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 17:03

I am also expecting a baby with DP. It's a shame they'll only get to spend quality time with their new sibling every other weekend.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 18/03/2016 17:08

I know they're there on Tuesdays, but that's because they're there from Saturday morning, right?

So why can't he have them every other weekend, Friday after-school until Sunday night, and then one night midweek as well. How much they see their father shouldn't be related to maintenance, you should each get quality weekend time with the children.

RE. your DC only seeing their new sibling EOW, that's what happens for millions of children whose parents have split up. There's not really much anyone can do about it. You chose to have another child (which is fine) but you can't change contact based on that.

Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 17:11

They're there fri-tues one week, sun-tues the next.

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 18/03/2016 17:12

Now you are just being belligerent.

People are offering you solutions that every court in the land will start with and yet that isn't good enough.

What you are asking for is utterly unreasonable as is your previous arrangement.

You need to stop thinking about you and start thinking what is best for your kids

My dd sees my dscs (her brother and sister) eow and one night a week. They have a fantastic bond, adore each other completely so that argument is utter rubbish I am afraid

Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 17:16

Now you are just being belligerent.

I was explaining that you have misunderstood the arrangements.

OP posts:
titchy · 18/03/2016 17:18

Just say no that doesn't work for me and drop them round as per the existing agreement. Or drop them round Sunday evening tired and grumpy after a busy weekend

wheresthel1ght · 18/03/2016 17:21

No one has Mia understood we are telling you to change the arrangement to eow

BackforGood · 18/03/2016 17:21

Depending on their age, what you (both families) like to do at weekends, and how far apart they live from each other, different solutions work for different families.

Some families it's easier to have a full weekend as they like to be able to go away - caravan or camping or Scout camps or visiting family
Some families it's easier to have one parent has Sat and one on Sun, so it fits in around work, but also around other things you take the dc to - be that their sports team or Church or dance lessons or gym competitions or whatever.
From the outside looking in, it doesn't seem unreasonable at the moment - close to half time at each home.

Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 17:34

We live very close to each other.

DC are young and don't like to go too long without seeing either of us. This is why We try to break it into shorter more regular time slots.

If it was every other weekend, it would mean ex would only have them Monday night one week, then fri, sat, sun, non the next.

He couldn't have them mon & tues as they have clubs. He wouldn't be able to take them as he works.

OP posts:
Original poster
KolaKoola · 18/03/2016 17:34

On the Tuesday

OP posts:
coconutpie · 18/03/2016 17:54

Is this court ordered? Presumably not since it was just changed on a whim. Therefore just tell him this arrangement doesn't work for you anymore and go back to the original arrangement if that suited you. And get legal advice re getting the maintenance off him.

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