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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family birthday party

78 replies

MammaTo2boys · 18/03/2016 14:53

I am the youngest of 5 siblings. It is our Mum's birthday very soon, she will be 80.
My hubby, my children and I all live in the south of England. Most of my family live in the north of England.
Two of my siblings (they have older/adult children) have organised the surprise family party for my Mum. I am grateful for that with living so far away, However, the party is a 7pm start with buffet about 9pm.

There is a social media private message that has been keeping the whole extended family updated. I as a sibling was not asked for any preferences before anything was booked. This week I put a message on the private message as follows:
I've only just noticed the time on the invite. Not quite sure if my boys will come as a 7pm start is not inclusive for families with young children. Is there any chance it can start earlier as I am loathe to drive my boys on a 520 mile round trip in 24 hours for a function that's not starting til their bedtime and my eldest has to go to school on the Monday. I know I'm a pain but that late a start just isn't family orientated enough for me.

My childen are 3 and 5. I have been told quite forthrightly to put up and shut up. My husband is not happy and has said that he will not allow me to take the children. It is also worthy of note, that when I knew they were organising the event, I asked if 2 things could be taken into consideration. Firstly could the party be delayed by 2 weeks, as my whole family are moving back 'up north' that weekend or failing that, could it be an afternoon event so that it would be more child friendly. I got neither.
Am I being precious? It is a one off event and children are resillient or should I stick with my gut feeling and not take the children?
Would really like some helpful advice on which decision to make?

Many thanks

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 18/03/2016 16:53

My DD could no sooner sleep at 7pm than I could. We're all vampiric.

Scholes34 · 18/03/2016 16:54

An event starting at 7.00 pm isn't really that late, bearing in mind the number of adults and older children who will be there.

VenusInFauxFurs · 18/03/2016 17:04

Your message to your siblings is quite odd by the way "not inclusive for families with young children", "family-orientated"... Is that how you speak to one another?

I'm sure your kids will be fine. My kid usually went to bed early but happily danced until midnight at a few weddings around that age.

EweAreHere · 18/03/2016 17:18

Honestly? I actually wouldn't go even if it was Saturday afternoon. A 520 mile drive up followed closely by a 520 mile drive back, with over-excited, tired 3 and 5 year olds at a party that's been planned for grown ups in the middle, with the 5 year old having to be back in school on Monday morning? And the grown ups posibly having to be back at work Monday morning? It's just too far and way too much time in the car over less than 72 hours.

I would send send my regrets along with flowers for your the birthday relative.

EweAreHere · 18/03/2016 17:23

Sorry, meant *260 miles each way.

And still too much driving for me just to spend a few hours at a birthday party where my children would be manic and tired, and have to face driving back with them. And driving those distances is exhausting now, that's at least 4 hours of driving each way.

JanetOfTheApes · 18/03/2016 17:46

Yes, of course you are unreasonable. I can't believe you expected the entire rest of your family to delay a party by weeks, or have it in the afternoon instead of evening just because you are strict about bedtimes. More front than Blackpool, you have.

And your husband "wouldn't allow you take the children"? Wtf is going on there then?

DinosaursRoar · 18/03/2016 17:54

mine have always had realtively early bedtime, 7 until recently, and DC1 is now at 7:30/8 - at a push both could stay up until 9, possibly 10 if I let them have a really long sleep in the day, but not without food and they wouldn't be well behaved after 8pm!

Does your mum know you are coming up for the weekend? If so, can you arrange for her to meet up with you and the DCs on the saturday (I'd drive up after 7pm on the Friday night so they sleep on the drive up rather than have to be entertained then transfer to hotel bed), on the Saturday, take them for tea somewhere at 5ish, put them down in the room at 7pm using a babysitter in the hotel room and have a night out without them.

If the other family want your DCs there, then it needs to be a child friendly event, 7pm with food at 9pm is not toddler friendly. As you have family in the local area, ask if anyone can recommend a babysitter or a local nanny agency who might be able to find you a professional and checked nanny for the night so you're not worrying.

BTW - the drive back on the Sunday with them sleeping the whole way would worry me more - that would mean they didn't sleep properly on the sunday night, and with my DCs, it'd be Wednesday before we were getting a proper nights sleep again.

DinosaursRoar · 18/03/2016 17:58

Although, if your DH is happy to stay at home with the DCs, then I'd do that, book a hotel for the saturday night, just drive up that morning by yourself, have a good night, have a whole bed to yourself, back down on the Sunday afternoon after a long breakfast made by someone else.

Again, if family what your DCs there as some sort of "we're all together!" then they have to make some allowances for fitting round them. Expecting a 5 year old to stay up that late isn't a big deal, but the 3 year old is going to be a stroppy mess, if they are just being used as a prop for photos like "Granny with all 5 children and all X grandchildren!" then they need to arrange something toddler friendly.

expatinscotland · 18/03/2016 18:08

god, I'd book a hotel for myself and take off, leaving the kids with your husband. It's an 80th birthday party, not a picnic.

grannytomine · 18/03/2016 18:33

As a granny I would be upset if a big party was arranged for me and my grandchildren couldn't go. I know it will be late, don't really know why the focus on 7 pm as that is just the start, food is at 9 pm it means you wouldn't be leave till 10 at the earliest. Could you maybe take your mum out to tea with the kids, then on to the party at 7pm and your husband take them off to bed at 9 ish? Bed at 9 ish on a special occasion isn't that bad but after 10 probably is for a 3 year old.

Hope you work it out for your mums sake.

Itsmine · 18/03/2016 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinosaursRoar · 18/03/2016 18:45

I honestly don't think your Mum would mind the DGC not being there at a party that starts at 7, so realsticially, not all guests will be there until 7:30, food at 9 and you being expected to stay until 10pm ish. An evening party is not a child-friendly event, so it's fine not to take them. Anyone whinging about you not taking the children yet not allowances to make it child-friendly can be ignored as they're clearly tryingto have their cake and eat it, such people should not be pandered too!

I'd go alone and have alovely time, but taking them and spending time with your mum over the weekend but not to the party is the other option.

DinosaursRoar · 18/03/2016 18:47

BTW - is the train instead of driving an option? Might be easier for the DCs to be able to walk around a train than be stuck in the car.

Birdsgottafly · 18/03/2016 18:57

Have they hired a venue? It wouldn't be practical to have it from the afternoon and have people turn up and have to leave with no buffet etc.

I've never known children to not enjoy an evening do, it's a special treat. I've never known anyone to not show their face, at least and yes, it is worth the drive, for your Mums 80th.

You and your DH go, if they get over tired your DH takes them back to wherever your staying and you have a good night with your family and Mum, there might not be many more years, or another big birthday.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 18/03/2016 19:02

Why should your mum have a birthday party during child friendly hours? She is 80! You can take your kids anyway, I think bedtime is a non issue with a big family gathering!! Sorry but yabu, it's your mums party.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 18/03/2016 19:02

ah op you sound like my best friend who I love dearly.

She has and does get her self in a tizz over times of gatherings as her kids are these creatures that can not be out after their bed time.

She gets told to shut up too.

Go and enjoy it. Could you take a fold up buggy to chuck the little one in if he falls asleep. Are you booking a room in hotel (sorry if I've missed it)

JanetOfTheApes · 18/03/2016 19:10

An evening party is not a child-friendly event, so it's fine not to take them

For you maybe. For a lot of us, the timing of the event has very little to do with whether it is child friendly or not. What you mean is its not a children-with-strict-bedtimes/inflexible parents-friendly event.
My children have all gone to many family events in the evening, with no problem at all. If I was lucky enough to have a parent who made it to anywhere near as old as 80, I wouldn't be prioritising kids bedtimes over a big family party for them!

ceeveebee · 18/03/2016 19:12

Can you get the train, saves the drive and wold be fun for the kids. I'd go personally (I have 4yo twins, usually in bed by 8 but will stay up late for parties) and book a hotel within walked by distance so you or DH can get them to bed easily when they crumble!
I never ask for things to be rearranged around my kids though tbh

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 19/03/2016 09:18

I've never understood the 7pm bedtime thing, it would be far too early for my DD at that age.

I especially don't understand parents who are totally inflexible on bedtimes and nap times ans expect everyone else to fit in around the child! Mine have always just napped on the go and fitted in with what we are doing, we have never, ever said we can't make an event because the children need to be in bed! DD1 is 9 now and not having a structured nap time and strict bed time has done her absolutely no harm at all.

OP have a great time, how lovely for grandma to have all her grandchildren there for her special birthday

Whocansay · 19/03/2016 09:58

I get the drive is a long way, but wouldn't you be going to see your mum on her birthday anyway? I have done something similar with my 2 boys. I put the younger one down for a nap in the afternoon and fed them as normal at 5pm. They went and found it all very exciting in the end. They were in bed late, but we had a quiet Sunday and they were fine.

If you sent the message as it is in the OP, it comes across as being quite rude and self centred, so I'm not surprised they gave you short shrift. I would send another message apologising to smooth the way, to be honest.

I hope you go and enjoy the party with your mum.

mrsjskelton · 19/03/2016 10:12

Crikey I don't know many 80 year olds that would want to be partying at that time! Usually opting for an afternoon do or a meal. I think your family might have put their own needs before even your mum's!

Bunbaker · 19/03/2016 10:15

"I'm surprised an 80 yr old would be wanting to eat at 9pm and not heading off to bed. Most of the elderly people I know go to bed early."

My thoughts were also about what your mum might have preferred. When MIL was 80 she wanted an afternoon party because she wanted her grandchildren to be there and enjoy it without being grumpy from being too tired. Also, she doesn't like eating in the evening. A 9pm buffet wouldn't have suited her at all.

" I think your family might have put their own needs before even your mum's!"

I agree.

Jitterybug · 19/03/2016 10:19

I think you just go and suck it up, it's a one off, you might have a few days of grumpy dc afterwards but you'll manage, as will they. It's a special occasion and worth the hassle I think.

Maybe83 · 19/03/2016 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Summerblaze100 · 19/03/2016 11:31

You really should go and the message you sent was unbelievably rude.

My DC (12, 8 and 3) have fairly early bedtimes as they need their sleep. (Ds2 @ 6.30, DS1 @ 7.00 and DD @ 8.30-9.00). However, we never turn down an invite due to it being past their bedtimes and they love it. They have fun and dance and eat the buffet. They sleep in a bit the next day and then have a super early night the day after. My DC can sleep anywhere, in strange surroundings and I'm sure some of this is because of flexibility with bedtimes growing up.

Also, my GM had a party for her 80th and she was the last one up. Don't assume that once someone is 80, they want to go to bed at 6pm with a cup of cocoa.

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