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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would find it odd

128 replies

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 15:57

Two siblings both mid/late 30s having never had a relationship, not even a casual boyfriend or girlfriend?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 20:24

He agrees there's something odd about it but both of us aren't sure what to actually do about it. I've never had any luck with online dating for instance, no ones ever been interested at school, university, work. Gosh it's depressing! I am quite ugly though, I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 20:27

Ok.

Let's suppose you have always worked and then you get made redundant aged 36. I'd agree you'd probably be working again within a few months.

Someone who has never worked though?

It's the same with this. I'm literally starting from scratch. Comparing me to normal people who have had relationships doesn't work - it's like cheerily saying 'oh you'll get a job, I lost mine when the company collapsed and I was 33 but by 35 I was running my own company.'

It's a false comparison, hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
pigeonpoo · 17/03/2016 20:31

So if you don't date, won't ever have a relationship and make peace with that

What else will give you purpose to your life?

Original poster
Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 20:32

I don't think I have one.

OP posts:
Heatherjayne1972 · 17/03/2016 20:33

Nothing wrong with it at all. Both my cousin and a sibling are late thirties never had a relationship and live alone. My mother has three female friends who aren't related but live together (housemates) none has ever had a relationship with a man nor wanted to.

Live and let live I say

JellyMouldJnr · 17/03/2016 20:34

OP, do you have good female friendships? My advice would be to work on the friendships first.
My feeling/guess is that you protect yourself from being hurt by not getting too close to people (though obv that's just a guess).

Original poster
Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 20:35

I do yes but they are all in relationships so still odd one out really.

OP posts:
JellyMouldJnr · 17/03/2016 20:41

Have you asked your friends for advice?

pigeonpoo · 17/03/2016 20:42

I don't feel like I have a purpose either right now. It's depressing not feeling one

I feel a bit envious of people who have careers like police, army, healthcare etc - saving lives must feel very purposeful

Could you do anything like that?

Original poster
Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 20:42

About why I'm single? All they've said is that they can't understand it.

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 17/03/2016 20:43

You " Feel like your life is pointless and wish you were not alive" You can't expect a partner to see you in favourable terms if that is the vibe you are giving out.
You sound depressed OP, would it be worth discussing this with your GP?

Original poster
Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 20:44

I won't bother the GP :) I'll be ok. I haven't always felt like this though and a partner still hasn't been forthcoming. I expect nothing, now.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 17/03/2016 20:50

I agree you sound very depressed and defeated. You wouldn't be 'bothering' a GP. It might help you.

JellyMouldJnr · 17/03/2016 20:51

Please don't think of it as 'bothering' the GP. It's their job to help, and having had depression I think they could help you.

Original poster
Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 20:52

No I won't be going to the doctor, thanks though.

OP posts:
FlowersAndShit · 17/03/2016 20:52

I feel just like you do OP and I'm 25. I can't imagine finding a man who is decent and is accepting of me and loves me and treats me right. If most women never manage finding a decent guy, then what chance do I have?!

Lilipot15 · 17/03/2016 21:23

I'm sorry I haven't read the full thread but I know two siblings like this and my main feeling about them is that they seem quite content but very much still immersed in their parents lives and almost become like children again when back home, which is often.
It does seem a shame when I see how good they are with children that they won't have their own, and also I worry about them being lonely. However we do speculate about secret lives, one in particular is ALWAYS texting somebody.

Lilipot15 · 17/03/2016 21:28

OP - I'm sorry I have just read back through the last page - it sounds like good advice to see a GP about your mood.
And honestly, there are often threads on here about people meeting their life partners later on. My DH and I both had dreadful exes and he was single for quite a long time, I did quiz him lots, but it's worked out for us.
I hope things get better for you.

Original poster
Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 21:29

It's nice of you but honestly it's not going to happen and nor do I really want it to at this stage, I wouldn't know what I was doing.

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Allbymyselfagain · 17/03/2016 22:52

OP I'm worried about you. You seem so defeated and unhappy. You said you dance, don't you meet people there? You have friends so you're not going to die unnoticed. What else do you enjoy, do you work, what do you do, do you enjoy it, could you volunteer somewhere to meet new people and find a purpose?

I'm single, I'm actually very happy single, I see no point or reason in ever dating again. Too many bad experiences. It doesn't mean if the right person came along I wouldn't but my life is so full right now with work and hobbies and friends I don't know if I could even fit a relationship in. My life has meaning , I have a plan and dreams. Do you have plans and dreams, something else to work towards?

Original poster
Dontknowwhy2 · 18/03/2016 06:41

I don't dance, sorry, did you confuse me with somebody else? :)

I do have friends but realistically I could die and it wouldn't really impact on their lives that much.

It's hard explaining what I mean. Just that my friends who are in relationships have had opportunities to do and experience things I never will. They have two incomes coming in so are more financially comfortable than me. They get to go away for weekends and on holiday. I know I could too before anyone says so and I did go through a period of doing just that but it was horrible. They've experienced love and sex and they have someone to talk to

The problem with saying this on here is inevitably someone comes along to loftily tell you that it's better than being in a bad relationship, and I'm sure that's true, but there's still a particular type of loneliness stemming from having never been wanted, never shown an interest in never so much as held hands with someone you care about and who feels the same way.

OP posts:
Bambambini · 18/03/2016 07:15

I felt a bit like you OP up to 27 when i met my husband. I have issues with men and relationships and wouldn't have been surprised if i had stayed single. I was so scared of putting myself out there, opening up and being rejected. I probably gave off a very negative vibe to guys though i had some good male friends. I find takibg a chance and opening yourself up really scary. I think it's lack of self confidence and loving yourself and fear of rejection.

Bambambini · 18/03/2016 07:19

Although there were some guys who were interested and did ask me out, so that was different.

How did you lose your virginity? You don't have to answer, of course. I lost mine to a stranger on a ONS as i just wanted it gone.

Original poster
Dontknowwhy2 · 18/03/2016 07:22

I used to be a prostitute.

OP posts:
Footle · 18/03/2016 08:18

In that case your life has been very hard, and it has taken strength to put that behind you.

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