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AIBU?

To ask if you would find it odd

128 replies

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 15:57

Two siblings both mid/late 30s having never had a relationship, not even a casual boyfriend or girlfriend?

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ijustwannadance · 17/03/2016 17:38

I think most people's behaviour and relationships will be mostly down to the examples they have witnessed growing up, whether that is a similar relationship or opposite.
Eg I am the opposite of my mum and won't be treated like a doormat.
My cousin's dad was an abusive arsehole who was never around, she spent her teens and early 20's desperate for attention/affection chasing older men who treated her like shit.

If you grew up viewing your parents relationship as unpleasant/unequal or no real affection then it would make sense that you wouldn't want that and avoid it.

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 17:40

Bizarrely they had a long and successful marriage, I can only remember a couple of arguments and they definitely loved one another.

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ijustwannadance · 17/03/2016 17:43

If you didn't allow yourself to own those feelings when younger, were you ever told those feelings were wrong or bad?

Have you ever had counselling?

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 17:44

I have but it didn't really help - I'm too old now in any case but I do feel sad when I look at younger friends having a lovely time with their life partners or even casual boyfriends!

I was never told the feelings were wrong or bad, I know my dad really wanted me to meet someone and do the settling down thing, he used to say that was where happiness lay.

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ctjoy103 · 17/03/2016 17:46

Would you like to be in a relationship op?

I know of two sisters like this, one In her 30's and the other early 40's. They are both attractive, successful, live at home though. They are both open how they would love to meet someone special but it's just boggling to me why they haven't as yet. Not even serious or casual relationships. I do think it's a bid odd.

MrsWooster · 17/03/2016 17:47

Not too old... got with partner at 42 and now have 2 kids and am 49 and knackered

Jw35 · 17/03/2016 17:51

I think it's odd, since you brought it up. What's in your life that's fulfilling enough to not need anybody else?

I'm mid 30's and been single for about 5 years now but I have close family relationships and 2 babies via a donor and wanted a break from relationships.

I've been in several relationships since school, my longest was 4 years. Never been married though. If I met 'the one' tomorrow nothing would hold me back, I'm just happy as I am for now.

Everyone's got a story so what's yours? It's difficult to know whether it's odd for you personally or not! Generally though I'd say most people have had at least one meaningful relationship by now

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 17:51

Ct now, I think that's not really possible but if I could,go back in time ten or twenty years definitely.

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Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 17:52

I know, Jw but what can I say - I haven't.

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ctjoy103 · 17/03/2016 17:53

You are only in your 30s! Why are you writing yourself off so quickly. If you want to be in a relationship what's stopping you from putting yourself out there? Don't be so down on yourself. People find partners at any age.

ijustwannadance · 17/03/2016 17:56

Does your sibling share your views?

It is a bit odd if your patents marriage was fine.

One of my close friends met her DH at 39 and married at 41. Not too late at all!

SquinkiesRule · 17/03/2016 17:56

I don't think it's too late for you OP. Maybe some counciling would help you understand. My mother has just met a new man, she's 74 and he's so different from anyone she's ever dated in her youth. They are very happy together.
So there is always the possibility that somewhere there is someone else who feels, and thinks the way you do and you'd make a good match.
If you think it's too late for kids, no way. One of my friends had her first (twins) at 40 and second child at 42 I adopted my last at 42 as well. So you have time.

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 17:57

Yes but realistically it's not going to happen now, is it? :)

If I had been someone with plenty of boyfriends throughout my twenties possibly but no. Besides I never get to meet anyone and online dating doesn't work for me.

Anyway, I have accepted that that's the situation but I'm curious as to why.

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Allbymyselfagain · 17/03/2016 18:03

Sorry definitely not too old! Why do you say you'll never meet anyone? Are your chronically shy, housebound, have no hobbies or interests at all? You can meet someone of course you can. Tell us more about you....

ijustwannadance · 17/03/2016 18:03

We can't answer that for you though. We haven't lived your life or had your experiences. Only you can answer that question. You have purposely avoided becoming emotionally and physically involved with anyone. To me that means there must be damage somewhere along the way.

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 18:05

I know dance but where?

Allbymyself, honestly, I have accepted it's not for me. It makes me more unhappy than I can describe otherwise.

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KathyBeale · 17/03/2016 18:07

My cousins are a bit like this - neither of them have really had a relationship. Very happy family life. Both clever, settled, good jobs etc. One (in early 40s) has now moved in with a partner and is a happy step-parent. I don't think it's too late and while it's maybe unusual I certainly don't think it's odd or weird.

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 18:10

Thank you but I'm honestly not looking for 'it could still happen' stories.

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ijustwannadance · 17/03/2016 18:12

Do you/can you discuss this stuff with sibling? They have same upbringing and have chosen same way of life. Maybe they have more insight.

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 18:15

Thank you. We have touched on it: he has said that he remembers meeting a girl and coming home to our mum (alcoholic) asking drunkenly if he'd had a nice time - he said he just remembered thinking 'well I can't bring her back here.'

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ijustwannadance · 17/03/2016 18:17

So even though your parents were married for a long time and loved each other they clearly had issues.

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 18:19

Oh god yeah but loads of people's parents do and they have relationships ... I don't know!

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Purplepicnic · 17/03/2016 18:19

Have you had people interested in a relationship with you and you've rebuffed them? Or has literally never been on the cards at all?

Dontknowwhy2 · 17/03/2016 18:21

Never been on the cards :)

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Purplepicnic · 17/03/2016 18:22

Your parents had a long and successful marriage but your mother was an alcoholic? Do those things go together? Would your dad say it was a successful marriage?

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