To ask if you would find it odd

[Dontknowwhy2]

Two siblings both mid/late 30s having never had a relationship, not even a casual boyfriend or girlfriend?

[Dontknowwhy2]

He adored her, certainly.

[lulucappuccino]

Assuming you're both virgins, is it a fear of sex that keeps you away from potential partners?

[lulucappuccino]

Of course alcoholics can have successful marriages. Any addict can!

[Purplepicnic]

It's interesting to me that you say you don't know where any 'damage' has come from and yet you've straightaway mentioned your mother being an alcoholic and your parents' desire to get rid of you on Sundays.

[Purplepicnic]

lulu no offence meant, it was a genuine question. I have no experience of alcoholism or long and happy marriages for that matter

[JustCallMeDory]

I have read the thread OP, but apologies if I've missed this. But a question - do you still live at home with either/both parents and / or your sibling?

I know someone in his mind 40s who has never had a relationship. He has a very settled, happy life, good job, etc, but just never moved out. It struck me that there isn't 'elbow room' for someone else if you're still living the home / family life you lived as a child.

[lulucappuccino]

Sorry, didn't mean to be snippy, purple.

[Dontknowwhy2]

I think what I mean purple is that doesn't seem something that would automatically lead to not being able to form adult sexual / romantic relations. We aren't virgins and so it isn't fear of sex.

No haven't lived at 'home' since being 19.

[lorelei9]

I don't find it odd at all

if it helps, my sister and have both had relationships that were "good" - I mean supportive, great blokes etc.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm happier being totally and utterly single

she won't marry or live with anyone but she will still have a casual boyfriend.

In terms of siblings, no connection - parents together since they were teens and still love each other heaps in their late 70s

some of my aunts are single by choice.

I do think there's a thing that women seem to enjoy singleness much more than men. However, if you are not, then don't think that it's too late or that others will judge you for never having had one.

[simonettavespucci]

Dontknow - did you talk through this specific question with your counsellor? I think someone with a proper training in this area and lots of experience is most likely to be able to give you an answer as to the common reasons why people end up in your situation, and which are relevant to you.

Broadly though, it sounds as though your family growing up was fairly difficult, and that you, for whatever reason, responded to that - probably in conjunction with other circumstances and facets of your character - by not getting involved in relationships. Going by what you've said so far, I'd guess that maybe you tend to repress your own emotions and needs - judging by the offhand way in which say your mother was an alcoholic, when that must have been very hard to deal with as a child - which could make relationships tricky, and maybe you feel that a relationship would open you up to judgement and family drama which you can't handle - judging by your sibling's comments about bringing a girl home. But that's just a vague guess, based on a few sentences and no real understanding of your family dynamics.

The important thing though is that, whereas it is perfectly possible to be longterm single and genuinely fine with it, this does seem to upset you, so I would talk it through with a professional until you feel you have a better understanding, whether that leads to you go out and find someone or just to feel more at peace as you are.

[lulucappuccino]

Ah, so you have both had 'flings'. So you're not necessarily asexual?

[simonettavespucci]

I guess what I mean is that the way in which these things work is often quite subterranean and illogical. There may not be something that obviously and 'automatically' leads to the inability to form romantic/sexual relationships, but you clearly feel there is something at work having this effect, so it would be good to find out what it is.

[Dontknowwhy2]

Thanks, Simon :)

I did speak to the counsellor about it but never really reached any satisfactory answers, I don't think there are any really. I've accepted that in a sense that part of my life is dead and buried and while I wouldn't say I'm okay with it I have accepted it, if you follow me.

But if I do want children I need to know why, to keep them making my mistakes.

[Purplepicnic]

I think what I mean purple is that doesn't seem something that would automatically lead to not being able to form adult sexual / romantic relations

Not on the face of it but human beings are complex and psychology is not A causes B and X causes Y.

If it's bothering you, then I suggest more counselling to try and get to the bottom of it. If you're not bothered, then ignore what anyone thinks and live your life how you want!

[Dontknowwhy2]

I didn't say either of us were asexual :) I think my brother may have had flings but I haven't.

[VelvetCushion]

I think its odd.

[Maudofallhopefulness]

If you've decided it just isn't going to happen then it is unlikely to. You're probably putting out very closed signals with your body language. To make friends or find a relationship you have to be open to it, like a taxi with its light on.

[VelvetCushion]

You are not too old at all. Never think that way

[Dontknowwhy2]

No, I really am velvet, at this stage. I haven't always been closed to it but in the last twelve months have realised its the only way I'm going to be happy.

[lorelei9]

OP "but in the last twelve months have realised its the only way I'm going to be happy"

I'm finding your posts confusing. Are you saying you are happy being single - which makes perfect sense to me of course - but you are worried people will think it's odd?

if you are happy, screw what anyone else thinks.

[gabsdot45]

I have some cousins and out of 6 children only 2 are married, the other 4 haven't had any serious relationships.
Their parents marriage was not happy and their mother ,( my mother's sister) has admitted that she's sure they were put off relationships by their parents example.

[lulucappuccino]

So you're choosing to be single?

[lulucappuccino]

I wouldn't blame you if you were, by the way!

[Dontknowwhy2]

No, I'm saying I don't try to meet anyone whereas once I did. Of course I'm not happy. It's not very pleasing living in a world where you could die and no one would care!

[lorelei9]

OP "It's not very pleasing living in a world where you could die and no one would care!"

er, no but that description doesn't fit any of the singletons I know....