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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be pissed about this??? Family and money.

142 replies

FlyingRussianUnicorn · 16/03/2016 13:40

My grandmother has just died. We weren't particularly close- i havent even seen her since my grandfather died in 2014. Same with all other grandchildren. She hasnt even known who we are since about 2011.

Mum and my 2 aunts will obviously inherit everything. They have made a deal between themselves to give each grandchild £5000.

Except- im not getting anything. Yes I still live at home with board and rent free, but I still could do with the money. My car is fucked, my parents know this and know something needs to be done about it before the problems get worse. Id also like to move out in the next year or so.

AIBU in feeling this is unfair?

OP posts:
Thisisnotausername · 16/03/2016 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EssentialHummus · 16/03/2016 21:23

I'm not sure this - giving gifts to all nieces or whoever but not the OP seems to be a rather pointed message.

LifeofI · 16/03/2016 21:24

Op i thought it was unfair until i read you are living rent free and its not in your grans will.
Your mum is doing everyone a favor and you are favor by keeping you for free, the 5k you would be getting is for your upkeep see it that way.

springydaffs · 16/03/2016 21:26

If your mum has decided to do that she needed to talk it through with you first. Not on to make the decision over your head. You're not a child.

LeaLeander · 16/03/2016 22:24

The mother is NOT doing the OP a favor, she is fulfilling her maternal responsibility. The OP has a disability and as such her parents should be the ones taking care of her.

That's the responsibility everyone accepts when they opt to produce a child. Some have issues that mean they don't launch right out of their teens, and of course the parents should be the ones taking care of her. (Who else, the taxpayers? "Society"??)

The notion that the mother is somehow doing a kindness or doing something she is not morally obliged to do, by allowing the OP to live rent free, is hogwash. If the OP is incapable of working enough to support herself, it is incumbent upon her parents to support her.

If the mother is adamant that her child will not benefit from the grandmother's legacy, she should have kept her mouth shut about it and handled the entire matter with more discretion. Not taunted her "undeserving" daughter with it.

gobbynorthernbird · 16/03/2016 22:53

Lea, but the DM isn't morally financially responsible for the DD. Not when the adult daughter is working and not even paying a token amount, but instead goes on spending sprees.

JanetOfTheApes · 16/03/2016 23:02

The mother is NOT doing the OP a favor, she is fulfilling her maternal responsibility. The OP has a disability and as such her parents should be the ones taking care of her

They are, fully supporting her, buying her cars, paying her insurance, all her bills.....what more do you want? And all without any thanks as well?

I don't agree that I have any responsibility to pay for everything for my children for ever, no matter what. There are an awful lot of people with disabilities, very few of whom have parents who fully fund them as adults!

LeaLeander · 16/03/2016 23:19

Of course you have responsibility if you chose to bear the child. Who else is responsible- the rest of us?

Parents of disabled people should support them to the utmost of their ability and only then turn to their fellow citizens for assistance. Why have the offspring of you are going to foist the cost of their care on the public?!

FlyRussianUnicorn · 16/03/2016 23:26

Excuse me Janet, but when did I ever say I didn't say thank you? I try to make it upto them as much as I can- I do all the cleaning, most of the cooking, run errands for them (today alone I've been out on five separate trips for DM and must do driven over 100 miles). I don't want to sound entitled and spoilt. Because I'm not, and I've said I'm thankful for it many times on this thread.

And gobbynothernbird- I go on shopping sprees to Primark and the like when I'm given money from family and friends for Xmas. If you would choose to give that money to your parents over buying yourself leggings for the first time in 9 months for a job interview, or new underwear because yours are so period stained from your heavy periods- then I guess that makes you a better person than me.

I'm well aware I came here for advice- but quiet frankly pulling apart bits of my life that I haven't discussed, nor see the need to discuss on this thread, is unnecessary.

JanetOfTheApes · 16/03/2016 23:32

If you say so. You said how unfair it was that they won't give you 5 thousand pounds on top of the the previous large sums they have given you/spent on you. It doesn't sounds very grateful, does it?

gobbynorthernbird · 16/03/2016 23:41

and while I go on the odd shopping spree- how many people dont?!

Apologies. That doesn't read like you were grabbing a couple of necessary bits, I obviously completely misunderstood the word spree.

LuckyTr33 · 16/03/2016 23:58

Perhaps your parents are holding onto the 5k until they feel that it is the right time to give it to you, when the most will be most useful eg to move out, to get married, to buy a car

Perhaps they are waiting for you to be in a stable full time job first

If you had 5K now what would you do with it ?

Waltermittythesequel · 17/03/2016 01:59

If the OP is incapable of working enough to support herself, it is incumbent upon her parents to support her

Not when she's an adult, it's not.

You can be as shout as you want about it but facts are facts. Her parents absolutely don't have to be responsible for her in adulthood. They're choosing to be.

LeaLeander · 17/03/2016 02:13

I guess I come from a less dole-oriented culture. Morally if not legally it's up to parents to provide for offspring of any age. Or don't have the kids in the first place.

curren · 17/03/2016 05:37

I don't think the parents are morally obligated to look free their children forever.

I have no idea what a sole orientated family is.

I think the problem here is that I am not sure that the Op is telling the full truth.

She said her mum said she doesn't need it, yet she didn't respond to that and point out that she does.

She insists the parents have given the brother 500k , but I can't see how that possible. Yet she still thinks he has got more.

Personally I think there is more to this and it's hard to give advice when that happens.

When the OP was getting her dla and ESA she still only paid a token amount to the car, but nothing in rent. It doesn't add up that the parents would do so much for her then keep her 5k without an explanation.

MymbleMother · 17/03/2016 07:28

I am going to ring my parents later and advise them I am moving back in now I am disabled. After all, they are the ones that put me in the world and are therefore morally responsible for me. I'm sure my DH and DCs won't mind, it will be less of a burden for them after all. Gosh, if only I had read lea's posts earlier Hmm I thought for a moment lea is David Cameron but actually they can't be, seeing as David Cameron took money from the public purse for his disabled child...

Do you see how everything isn't actually quite as black and white as you made it out to be, lea? You come across as very opinionated yet these opinions seem to be based on ignorance.

MyLocal · 17/03/2016 08:12

I suspect the parents are not not giving you the money but perhaps keeping it aside for when you are more stable. I think there us far more to this than meets the eye.

Lucas0528 · 17/03/2016 08:20

Is this about the money or the fact you've been left out. If it's about money you'll just need to accept it and move on. If it's about feeling left out then I think there are bigger issues here and you should sit down and speak to your mum properly. No one has an entitlement to this money and you shouldn't feel as though you do.

londonrach · 17/03/2016 08:21

Op ive never gone on a shopping sprew even when living at my parents as i wanted to save my money. I paid rent from the day i earnt. I wonder if your mum is putting the money aside for you at a later stage. I know you dont earn much but paying something even if just £30 or £100 a month in rent would be beneficial for you to show your mum you getting more responsible and also give you back some pride. Maybe a long term plan. Out of the £300 per month you get say £100 to your mum for rent etc, save £100 in an account (cash instant access isa) and use £100 for day to day expenses. Adjust the amounts if not right for you.

MidniteScribbler · 17/03/2016 08:44

I go on the odd shopping spree- how many people dont?!

If I hadn't worked in six years, my first thought would not be shopping sprees.

Your other thread is about not wanting to pay any room/board now that you're finally working. Now you want money for your shopping sprees. I think your mother understands exactly what you would do if you get your hands on this money.

22sailors · 17/03/2016 08:47

Flyingrussianunicorn-is there a reason for this. If you are a grandchild and the agreement has been made surely you must know why. I can't imagine not visiting a grandmother as they are usually like gold in a family. None of this sounds straight forward. Have you already had a lot of money from your parents as you can't expect it twice. Why are you not paying board and how do you expect to move out rent free.

MitchellMummy · 17/03/2016 08:51

I don't believe that anyone is entitled to anything from a will - people can leave money or give money to whom they wish. I was once cut out of a will (I believe maybe because the relative thought I didn't need the money). I really didn't mind - I work very hard so I consider that I have enough money for my needs.

shovetheholly · 17/03/2016 08:53

Your rent and board probably comes to more than that a year, at market rates. Let alone 'labour' of things like washing, ironing etc. So really you have already been given tens of thousands over your siblings.

I appreciate that MH problems are unfair, however - you've been dealt a difficult lot in life. It's great that you are now able to work - a real achievement. I hope you're able to build your life into something happy from here. Flowers

22sailors · 17/03/2016 08:54

Mymble mother to you not think you would be better off requesting that you can move back with your parents. They may have brought you into this world but I'm sure they did not wish your condition on you and would have much preferred a lovely healthy child instead but I gues they have loved you unreservedly despite that. Don't take things for granted be grateful for those who love and care for you.

firesidechat · 17/03/2016 08:57

22sailors I think MymbleMother was being sarcastic and has no intention of moving in with her parents or taking them for granted.