Would you be pissed about this??? Family and money.

[FlyingRussianUnicorn]

My grandmother has just died. We weren't particularly close- i havent even seen her since my grandfather died in 2014. Same with all other grandchildren. She hasnt even known who we are since about 2011.

Mum and my 2 aunts will obviously inherit everything. They have made a deal between themselves to give each grandchild £5000.

Except- im not getting anything. Yes I still live at home with board and rent free, but I still could do with the money. My car is fucked, my parents know this and know something needs to be done about it before the problems get worse. Id also like to move out in the next year or so.

AIBU in feeling this is unfair?

[isseywithcats]

hate to pee on your bonfire but if you think you would be able to run a flat or house on 10 hours work a week you really are living in fairy land, you would only get housing benefit if your over 25 and you are only allowed to earn £5 a week more than job seekers, believe me been there on part time wages trying to run a house, i nearly starved lived on things on toast, sometimes had to decide wether to put money in gas or electric or eat, couldnt afford a phone , clothes, treats anything, so though its not fair that you are not getting a share of this inheritance you are been protected by your parents in other ways

[MajesticWhine]

Champagne she has had a severe mental health issue and is easing herself back into work. Very sensible.

[BelfastSmile]

This sounds very unfair. What is happening to the £5000 that you would have been given? If your aunts don't know you're not getting it, then presumably your mum has taken it and kept it.

Money from wills is generally not distributed on the basis of need. When my uncle died (he had no children) he left mony to be shared between all his nieces and his nephew. In fact, my cousin (single, living at home) chose not to take his share and let it be split between the rest of us because he didn't need it at all, whereas the rest of us did (all recently married, DCs starting to arrive etc). But he was as entitled to it as the rest of us.

You need to figure out a way to talk to your mum about this. If she wants you to move out, or pay rent or get a better job or whatever, then that's a separate issue. It shouldn't affect what you are being given from the will.

[JanetOfTheApes]

Money from wills is generally not distributed on the basis of need

Here it seems that either there is no will, or there is and is all left to the children of the deceased, none for the grandchildren. The children are choosing to give money to the grandchildren, and can do so however they want to.

If your mother was to gift you 5k from her share of the will, wouldn't you just pay her back for all the car insurance, tax, bills etc that she's paid for you over many years? I would.

[curren]

So your aunts think you are getting it.

So your mum is keeping it as your rent.

I doubt they spent 500k on your brother. The rent for four years (assuming they paid for 12 months of the year for four years of uni, would be just over 30k)

I feel for you, I do. But I think it's time you spoke to your parents. Either they are pretty crap or try have a different view to all this than you do.

You may find that when you do love out, they may help you like they have him.

You say you want move out in a year but I don't see how that's possible with a temporary 10 hours per week job.

How long have you been saying you will be moving out for?

[firesidechat]

You mention spending spree in one of your posts. Is your mum worried that you will spend all of the money? I have a relative with long term mental health issues and the money would be gone within weeks. Is it possible that your mum is trying to protect you from yourself?

[LeanneBattersby]

I think, even considering everything you've told us, your mum is being fucking awful and is punishing you for not being the person she wants you to be.

If I were you, I'd do everything I could to get out of there and be the person you want to be.

I think you've posted before about her? I think she's dependent on you being a 'disappointment" to make her feel better about herself.

[jay55]

Tell the other aunts, if your mum is never giving you her share then their donation should be reduced accordingly.

[DementedUnicorn]

Sorry to sound harsh but in conjunction with your other thread where you wanted to know if YWBU to not give anything to your parents toward your upkeep and put it in savings instead I think YABU. Keeping an adult unwell or not is horrendously expensive.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

I feel for you, I really do but here is your problem:

My car is fucked, my parents know this and know something needs to be done about it before the problems get worse. Id also like to move out in the next year or so.

You're living rent free, having everything provided for you and keeping all the money you make. When the idea of £5000 comes up you are instantly thinking about how you'd spend it for yourself, not whether you would contribute to the household. It sounds as if your parents knew this would be the case and are keeping it to pay for you to live with them. It might seem shitty but I kind of get it.

[Xmasbaby11]

I think that's harsh. You are not earning much for understandable reasons. 5k is a lot of money and could help you in future with education, deposit, travel. Money gives you options and opportunities and with mh problems you're already disadvantaged in that respect.

I also think if your mum has been thinking about your lack of financial contribution she could have said you wouldn't be getting inheritance. To announce it now feels mean.

[mummymeister]

work out what it would cost you per month to live on your own. not in a flat but say in a shared room £300 rent, plus bills then put food on top of that and the cost of your car, tv licence etc and I bet you wouldn't get far on £500 a month. so by my reckoning that's 10 months worth of stay at home.

I get that you have MH issues and you are trying to get straight. but so does your mum. she may be holding this money back as a deposit for a flat - you don't just walk into them with no deposit. or she might see it as rainy day money in case you get into financial problems when eventually you do move out.

why are you not getting any disability benefits if you are so ill that you cannot do more than 2 hours work a day? have you looked into this?

to be honest I am 100% with your mum and dad. giving you £5K at the moment would be a really bad idea as you clearly don't have a firm fiscal grip.

You either want them to treat you like an adult and give you the money but you need to stand on your own two feet in your own flat.

or you want them to continue to treat you like a child, pay for your rent, council tax, bills and food and not give you the money.

at the moment you want it both ways and that is never going to be a good idea.

[NotNowPike]

But if they have all agreed to put this money in the pot it's not your mothers to keep . It's been allocated for you

Of course you could choose to pass it straight back to her but ultimately it's up to you to decide

[MymbleMother]

I think you are greatly under estimating how much you are currently being supported by living at home, and to be complaining that you aren't being given additional funds on top is incredibly unreasonable, I am afraid. Where is your income coming from at the moment, as only 10 hours a week would not support the living costs of an adult even before shopping sprees and running a car?

I am sorry you are unable to work. I am unable to work at the movement due to illness and am supported by my DH and PIP at the moment, but am very aware of this. I have also been the sole breadwinner and funded a household so I know the cost of general life.

I think if you sit down and costed out how much you are being subsidised by living at home you might be surprised. Have you a long term, realistic plan to become independent? It might be worth exploring your options for your long term future, for your parents benefit as well as your own. Unfortunately these days, and certainly in the future, it appears that disabled people will not be supported by the government so lots of people are going to have to do this. It's expensive to live even a basic existence, sadly.

[MymbleMother]

And being honest, the fact that if you received this money, you are planning to spend it on yourself without even contemplating offering it to the people who are subsidising you, shows a lack of awareness about the whole thing.

I would also ask yourself what you would be doing if you did not have the financial support from your parents. How would you live, and eat?

[centigrade451]

To be honest, you said you have MH issues. Your parents are fully justified to do with the money as they see fit and they obviously don't see fit to give it to you. I am sure they love you and see that you are taken cared of.

Even if they offer you the money, you should just refuse and give it back to them.

[LaurieLemons]

If she's given lots of hand outs to your siblings it's likely she will do the same for you anyway and give you money towards a deposit etc. It is unfair because at the end of the day you're an adult but I can see where she's coming from. Have a chat with her and tell her you would like to move out within x amount of time and you would put that money in savings for a deposit and see what she says.

[Trollicking]

I think this is a tricky one especially as I am normally someone that likes to split things evenly - however, I can understand why your parents are doing this. I don't necessarily agree with them but I can understand them. I understand the MH issues but living at home doing nothing for 6 years and having a car funded is a lot of support.

I think your resentment over the money given to your brother is misguided. I fund my kids University costs happily (they can even shop at Waitrose! ) because there is an end goal. Going to Uni is constructive and will (hopefully) mean they end up with good jobs. I'm happy to fund holidays / cars for them during this time too. We are financially secure so this doesn't impact on us and my DC are extremely grateful and work hard etc etc.

I can see it would be more tricky to deal with a DC who is at home long term with no real prospects. I KNOW it's not your fault you have MH issues but I can see that it might be awkward for your parents especially if your parents are not very accepting of your mh issues. It's great that you now have a job even if it's only 10 hours a week. I'm curious what you have been doing for the last 6 years? Have you not worked at all?

You have board and lodging paid for, you have a car paid for and you can afford to smoke and have an iPhone out of your £300 wages. It's quite cushy sounding,
I think your parents should have talked to you about this and explained their thinking. It's a bit of an odd thing to have done. It would be better if they said that they would hold on to the money until you leave home.

If they don't want you to live at home I think you should try and work out a way to leave. It can't be doing you any good living somewhere you are not wanted. Have you looked at any mh charities?

[MymbleMother]

People saying OP should plan to move out - how? If her DLA and ESA have been stopped her income won't be sufficient to live independently, and depending on her age she may not receive HB.

The cuts are going to lead to lots of people literally unable to live independently, even if they are working as much as they are able to.

[Fuzz01]

I think your DM is with holding such a large amount of money due to your MH illness that you would and i think thats sensible given the circumstances. If your too ill to maintain a FT job run a household etc then i agree you shouldn't have the money.

5 years rent free car paid for is alot OP and will be far more than 5k. Ir sounds like your DM is desperate for you to have some independance but how long will it take before your ready to fly the nest another 5 years?

[Purplepicnic]

Could you ask your mum to use it to repair your car or fund a deposit for a flat? If they feel you are bad with money, they might feel better if they can be sure it's spent on something necessary.

[Fuzz01]

I wouldnt be suprised if she was holding onto it until you were on a better mental state.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

So at least one of your aunts is contributing to your £5k as they are evenly contributing £25k between 5 grandkids and your mum is basically pocketing it or worse still giving £10k to your brother.

I wouldn't give a flying fuck about living at home rent free, that's totally dishonest and I would point out that your mother has not gifted it to you as per their agreement.

If there were an issue like addiction etc then that's somewhat different.

[LeaLeander]

I don't know why people seem unable to distinguish between disbursement of the grandmother's money, and the financial support the OP receives from her parents.

yes, I get that the mother would be chipping in from her own inheritance to "create" one for the OP, as one is similarly being created for the other grandkids, because grandma didn't specify in her will. So the mother and aunt are reducing their share to directly give some funds to the kids.

I still say it's denigrating and mean-spirited to single out the OP as though she is some sort of freeloader not deserving of a windfall. yes, she lives at home - because she has the misfortune to have mental illness, not because she is some slacker who doesn't want to earn her own way in the world. When parents choose to bring offspring into the world, they are responsible for the consequences and sometimes that involves more than 18 or 20 years of supporting said child. They aren't benefactors or martyrs, they are parents doing what to me is the bare minimum they SHOULD do by their disabled offspring: support her in the basics of food, shelter and the means to be out in the world to her ability - i.e. a car or whatever it takes.

To say she deserves unequal treatment from her other kin just because the parents are doing their JOB is nonsense. Why shouldn't she have the pleasure of a small windfall (and $5K is hardly a vast fortune) that might open up some options or just make her life more enjoyable?

Incredible how mean and stingyminded some people are.

[AyeAmarok]

I can see both sides.

You don't seem to appreciate the value of money and maybe your mum is worried about that.

But to single you out doesn't sit comfortably either.