Would you be pissed about this??? Family and money.

[FlyingRussianUnicorn]

My grandmother has just died. We weren't particularly close- i havent even seen her since my grandfather died in 2014. Same with all other grandchildren. She hasnt even known who we are since about 2011.

Mum and my 2 aunts will obviously inherit everything. They have made a deal between themselves to give each grandchild £5000.

Except- im not getting anything. Yes I still live at home with board and rent free, but I still could do with the money. My car is fucked, my parents know this and know something needs to be done about it before the problems get worse. Id also like to move out in the next year or so.

AIBU in feeling this is unfair?

YANBU on the face of it. It does sound very unjust unless there is another reason other than "you don't need it" that your DM has given you which you haven't disclosed. I take it there is no will? How old are you?

That said, if you really wanted to see your Grandmother you could have tried harder to find out where she was being cared for. My Grandfather has Alzheimers, I wouldn't allowed being disallowed to see him.

Tell her you do need it, and that you are planning to move out. It's really unfair. I am not clear if you have had a full discussion with your mum about it, but you really need to stick up for yourself here. Perhaps your mum resents you and thinks you should have contributed more and therefore you have already had your fair share, but the money will really help you to get independence.

OP, I understand you've been unwell and I think it's great that you're getting back on your feet but come on!

Just reading your last post alone makes me genuinely shocked that you would have a problem with this!

Look how much she's given you!!!

Maybe your Mum's concern is not that you will waste it, but that you will move out.

Maybe she is actually concerned for you, rather than this being about you being a burden.

Perhaps she actually has you in mind?

I would suggest a good (but calm!) and honest conversation about what the real issue is here.

Perhaps she feels you are safer under her roof and doesn't want you spending the money on moving out.

Just a thought.

Are your Aunts ok with you getting nothing? If they agreed to it, then I guess it isn't just your Mum's opinion. Though as your brother is getting some it does seem a bit unjust if he was given a car as well. However, regardless of what you have or haven't been given in the past, that was her choice then based on your mutual circumstances at the time. These are the circumstances now and in which case it is unfair. I am assuming there wasn't a will.

Have you considered that she gives your brother hand outs because you get so much from her and she feels bad. Rent utilities, your car tax and insurance when you lost your money, most of your tax and insurance when you had it.

I get that you have been unwell and I am sorry for that.

You need to sit down with your mum (perhaps not right now) and find out the exact reason you aren't getting it. Not you don't need it. Find out what 'need means'. I suspect you may understand more if you find out the exact reasons .

I suspect they may not see you managing money as well as you do.

Actually, scratch my comment about the car.

Maybe, rightly or wrongly, your mother feels like she has given you enough? Rent, board, bills, a share of a car, then your own car, for many years past adulthood, thats a lot. An awful lot. So perhaps she feels like she shouldn't need to give you 5k like your sibling and cousins are getting, because you've had 5k, many times over.

But the sibling gets lots of handouts too.

Yes you should get the same share as everybody else. ButI see you are getting your board and lodgings free . So I suppose it's swings and roundabouts. It would have been better to just leave it up to the individual people who inherited the money to decide how much to give their children if they were not mentioned in the will. This deal between them sounds a bit strange to me.

Im not irresponsible with money- never had a CC or loan. Pay my phone bills on time and while I go on the odd shopping spree- how many people dont?!

Um, isn't this though because you've never needed a cc or loan, because your parent(s) pay for everything? And you go on the odd shopping spree because someone else pays for pretty much everything for you?
How can they be pushing you away while taking care of everything for you?

I can see maybe why it would feel unfair, but your mother supports you pretty much entirely. If my mother did that for me, helped me through 5 years of severe, difficult-to-deal-with MH issues then I think I'd tell her to keep it anyway.

Do you want to move out with the money, or is your plan to stay at home and gradually build yourself up to it? If it's the latter, I don't think it's unfair of her to want to keep it, tbh.

My brother has £5k a hundred times over.

Yes, he went to university and my parents had to provide him with an allowance- I get that. But an allowance that allowed him to live in a swanky flat in an expensive UK city (i'm talking £700 a month rent here), shop in high-end supermarkets, go on holidays to the likes of Australia and buy designer clothes and the latest iPhone every year feels a tad excessive. I get the rent and board part- and don't get me wrong, I know i'm lucky. But if I wanted a holiday to Australia i'd have to save up for it myself. He had a car when he was at university too and they also paid the insurance on that. They still pay for it now and it's sat at home on the drive in case he comes home- and he does maybe twice a year for 2/3 days at a time.

As far as i'm aware my aunts think i'm getting the money- it wouldn't surprise me. And i'm not about to throw the cat amongst the pigeons so to speak and bring it up with them. I don't think there is much they could do, anyway.

I get my sibling and cousins are independent (cousins are all much older- brother is mid 20s and my cousins are all in their 30s) and I don't begrudge them the money at all. But when my parents are going on at me to get a FT job and move out and then something like this happens I don't think I can be blamed for getting a tad ticked off.

I don't mean to "drip feed" and I don't want to come across as an entitled brat because I really don't mean to be.

And you don't know for certain that the money isn't put by for you when you're feeling 100% better, which would be a lovely (and sensible) thing to do for you.

You sound utterly irresponsible with money, IMO. How can you afford shopping sprees while saving nothing for car maintenance?

As for the handouts to your DB, that depends on a lot of things. My own DB had had money from our DM recently, but he and his wife are both working, pay a mortgage and have a young DC. The money was a nice 'extra' which meant that they could do their bathroom up in one go and have a couple of small treats, rather than cash that they needed to survive. DM wouldn't give me the same amount as I am renting.

Ah, they want you to leave?

How old are you OP, if you don't mind me asking? You say your cousins are much older in their thirties. Are you quite young?

If they'd like you to get a full time job, perhaps she thinks by giving you the money you'd be 'unmotivated' to do that.

I don't think you sound irresponsible. I think you sound hurt at being treated differently to everyone else, which can often happen with inheritances.
Although your mother has done a lot for you, I'm not convinced she has a right to cut you out of this. I also can't see any reason why you shouldn't mention it to your aunts/the rest of the family. After all, if it's reasonable there's no reason to hide it. Also, if they're all contributing equally then what's going to happen to the £3400 that they'll have jointly contributed believing it will go to you?
What's your relationship with your mother like the rest of the time? Is it easy to live with her?

I'm early 20s. They know I want to be able to get a full time job, I just can't at the moment. It's hard work me going and doing something for 10 hours a week. It's only a temp job until July but as soon as I had done my first week at work EVER they just jumped on the bandwagon of "oh great, now you can go and apply for X and Y and do that too!!"

Limpid- our relationship is strained at times anyway which I guess is why this has upset me as much as it has.

Why can't you get a ft time job?

If your aunts don't know that means your mum is keeping extra money from your aunts as your 5k is being deducted from the overall pot then not given to you - that's not right.

As for whether you should have it, clearly it would be only fair to give to you but I don't think there's much you can do about it, they seem to give a disproportionate amount to your brother which again is unfair but ultimately it's their money and their choice.

Inheritances shouldn't be based on "need." All should get it, or none. It sounds to me as though you are being infantilized because of the unfortunate circumstances of your mental health. That really sucks.

For you to have a $5,000 cushion in the bank, would likely mean a lot more to you than this windfall would mean to the other grandchildren. Your mother is being unfair. Sorry you have to deal with this.

And don't feel you need to hide it to protect your mother. If anyone asks what you plan to do with the money (as they likely will) just simply say "I'm told I will not be receiving an inheritance."

I do feel for you. I don't think you are being entitled at all. Something like that would go a long way to help towards your independence. I agree with PP like you said don't go out of your way to rock the boat but if anyone says what are you spend it on I'd certainly say I wasn't getting any

So you want your parents to hand you 5k and you have no plans to move out in the foreseeable future - not in 6 months, not in 12 months? I get you're ill.

But you ARE receiving and expecting indefinite financial support from your parents at the moment and bitching you're not getting £5k.

How about if they gave you the money and told you good luck, you can't expect to come back and live off us for free... You'll just have to suck it up like lots of others in your situation.