Would you be pissed about this??? Family and money.

[FlyingRussianUnicorn]

My grandmother has just died. We weren't particularly close- i havent even seen her since my grandfather died in 2014. Same with all other grandchildren. She hasnt even known who we are since about 2011.

Mum and my 2 aunts will obviously inherit everything. They have made a deal between themselves to give each grandchild £5000.

Except- im not getting anything. Yes I still live at home with board and rent free, but I still could do with the money. My car is fucked, my parents know this and know something needs to be done about it before the problems get worse. Id also like to move out in the next year or so.

AIBU in feeling this is unfair?

[SouthWesterlyWinds]

How much fall out would there be if you told your aunts?

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

Would you pay your mum back out of the money for everything she has done for you? I suspect not hence the u willingness to hand you even more.

Working for just ten hours should mean you don't need a car. Take it off the road and wait until you're working full time and can pay for its upkeep.

[deliciousdevilwoman]

I don't know why people seem unable to distinguish between disbursement of the grandmother's money, and the financial support the OP receives from her parents.

yes, I get that the mother would be chipping in from her own inheritance to "create" one for the OP, as one is similarly being created for the other grandkids, because grandma didn't specify in her will. So the mother and aunt are reducing their share to directly give some funds to the kids.

I still say it's denigrating and mean-spirited to single out the OP as though she is some sort of freeloader not deserving of a windfall. yes, she lives at home - because she has the misfortune to have mental illness, not because she is some slacker who doesn't want to earn her own way in the world. When parents choose to bring offspring into the world, they are responsible for the consequences and sometimes that involves more than 18 or 20 years of supporting said child. They aren't benefactors or martyrs, they are parents doing what to me is the bare minimum they SHOULD do by their disabled offspring: support her in the basics of food, shelter and the means to be out in the world to her ability - i.e. a car or whatever it takes.

To say she deserves unequal treatment from her other kin just because the parents are doing their JOB is nonsense. Why shouldn't she have the pleasure of a small windfall (and $5K is hardly a vast fortune) that might open up some options or just make her life more enjoyable?

Incredible how mean and stingyminded some people are

THIS-with bells on!

[Corygal1]

OP this sounds very unfair - I am on your side. Whatever you do, tell your aunts so they know you haven't had the money.

Are you scared of your parents? Is that what's stopping you talking to your parents about this?

[LeaLeander]

Would you pay your mum back out of the money for everything she has done for you? I suspect not hence the u willingness to hand you even more.

Sorry but everything the mum has done for her is just what the mum SHOULD do, morally, if it turns out her offspring has issues that prevent her from being independent. She isn't doing the OP some sort of favor, after all! She brought her into this world and it is the parents' responsibility to take care of their offspring for as long as need be. Is the OP supposed to be grateful because she wasn't cast out on the street??

No one is forced to have a child and if you do, and if the child has disabilities, well those are the breaks and none of that "you're 18/21 and on your own" claptrap applies. The bare minimum the parents should do is provide a home for thier daughter.

Just because the OP still is more dependent than she would like to be doesn't mean she has a character flaw or somehow is not deserving of nice things in life. What a mentality!

Some weeks ago there was a thread on her where parents considered using a relative's cash gift to a child to take the child to a restaurant. Posters freaked out at the notion and by the dozens insisted that using gift money to make up for parents' costs of feeding the children was evil and outrageous. But now just because this woman is a few years out of her teens she is supposed to be grateful for whatever scraps her parents throw her way, and forego any sort of equality to her cousins because they had the good fortune not to suffer with mental health issues?

Sorry but that is just wrong. And mean-minded.

[harshbuttrue1980]

I think she should give you the £5,000, and then start charging you for your board. As an adult, there's no way you should be having a phone, car and "spending sprees" while not contributing to the household finances. If you're too ill to work, then you should be able to claim disability benefit. Some of that should pay towards the food and electricity costs of you being at home.

[ijustwannadance]

Maybe your mum is planning to put money to one side until you can sort yourself out. You must be a drain on their finances a bit though.

If your car needs repair can't you just use the one that is sitting on the drive waiting for the off chance your DB will visit?

[EssentialHummus]

I think the board and money/inheritance are separate issues. If your mum wants rent off you, she needs to say so. I think you need to (somehow, calmly and coldly) say something to your mum about this to explain that you're hurt and want to know her/the aunts' thinking, as you're struggling to understand this decision.

I'm really sorry OP, it sounds tough

[Charley50]

Sorry OP I think it's very unfair of your mum. If part of your mental illness is being very irresponsible with money; it might be fair for her to keep it for you and help you to spend it sensibly, but it's it's not that I think she is out of order.
I agree with PPs who say that you living at home and this inheritance shoild be a separate issue.
Also to all the people saying get a full time job, pay full rent blah blah blah.. Hope you never have to suffer severe mental illness in your family.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I think your mum probably has reservations about handing over the money.

You say you're responsible with money but how can you know when you don't have any financial responsibilities?

You want to move out and it would have helped but it simply won't facilitate a move. How would you pay the rent working ten hours a week?

You don't own your own car, you don't pay tax and insurance, you don't buy food, you don't pay bills...I'm honestly not trying to be harsh. I'm just saying, maybe concentrate a little longer on being well and getting even more on your feet before you take control of a lump sum of money.

[Charley50]

If your mum has reservations about what you'll spend it on, she should say so, and help you to spend it not on crap.

[LagunaBubbles]

It's really sad that there is such a lack of understanding of mental health issues. Some of the responses here are really harsh and I bet it would be a completely different story if the OP was struggling to work because of a physical disability.

[Charley50]

Totally agree Laguna.

[Lovepancakes]

Without knowing more I would trust that Op's mum is making the decision she feels fair or best for whatever reason but if it's a reason the OP would understand it would seem much nicer to explain this .

It is unsurprising you are feeling left out OP when in fact I'm sure there is an understandable reason(eg one of the many mentioned here, that you need so much support, which is coming from your parents) . The money is essentially your parents' as not given directly to the grandchildren , and I'd understand if they feel you might already have had the equivalent and this is all guess work but if this is so it would hurt less if they explained this kindly to you

[MadisonMontgomery]

I can see it feels unfair, but perhaps your mum needs the money - you've said she is retired? Having you living at home still must be an awful drain on your parents finances, I imagine she is off-setting the money against your living costs. I would put it out of your mind & concentrate on getting better & finding a proper job so you can be self sufficient.

[Farandole]

OP, you say in one post that you resent the fact your DB got paid a holiday to Australia, whereas you'd have to pay for it yourself if you wanted to go on one.

Considering you are unable to work more than 10 hours a week, how would you manage a holiday to Autralia? Surely that would be way too challenging for you, so why mention it?

[LeaLeander]

I think people should stop referring to the OP as a "drain" on her parents. They chose to bring her into the world and she remains their moral responsibility. She is not a drain and it's pretty hateful to keep using that phrase. Again, the parents are not going above and beyond, or doing the OP a favor, by aiding her. That is their absolute job as the people who chose to give this person life.

If the mother is so strapped for cash, why is she giving up part of her inheritance to create gifts for the OP's cousins?

If they can't treat her as an equal to her cousins (equal in basic human worth, regardless of the variation in earning power among the several cousins) then the decent and kind thing to do would be at least to set aside $1,000 or some token as a gift to the OP from the grandmother's estate. Not $0 to her and $5000 to the others.

If the mother feels entitled to usurp her daughter's gift in order to swell her own coffers, because the OP has been living at home, she's a petty and stingy person, to say the least.

[Farandole]

Laguna, I think the problem is that the OP does not come across as entirely truthful. The fact her parents, who live with her, seem to be encouraging her to work longer hours and move out, suggests perhaps the MH issues are not as acute as the OP describes.

[LagunaBubbles]

I don't get that impression Farandole, it sounds like the parents very much favour her brother. This is common and would piss me off to.

[Farandole]

Laguna if that's the case I would agree with you. But of course we will never know - there is something very one-sided about the way the OP has presented her view.

[LeaLeander]

But an inheritance isn't about whether one is "living for free" or whether one "needs the money."

I'll be receiving the proceeds from the sale of my mother's house soon, to be split with my sister. We plan to treat some of my mother's nieces to a few things. They are middle-aged and don't "need" the money so should we just forget it? Of course not. We are making the gesture because my mom was fond of them and would have been happy that her estate made their lives a little more pleasant.

One could argue that with her limited earning power the OP "needs" the money far more than her self-sufficient relatives do. For her, a little nest egg and/or discretionary fund would mean more than it would for them.

Sorry this is happening to you OP. Good luck; I hope you find a path to independence.

[LagunaBubbles]

Farandole yes you're right about not knowing.

[LeaLeander]

Yes, and the gift-givers' criteria about who "deserves" the gift speaks volumes about them.