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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split cost of big family holiday per person including children (not per adult couple)?

148 replies

piddleypower · 16/03/2016 13:02

We are planning a big family holiday as a surprise for my parents. We are planning on hiring out a big farmhouse or similar for three days.

There will be:
Me and DH
DS & BIL with three children
DB & SIL with two children
Mum and Dad

My sister has suggested splitting the cost three ways i.e. between me, my sister and my brother (my parents three adult children). I don't mind splitting the cost of my mum and dad's accommodation between the three of us as its a surprise for them. But should I pay a third of the total cost when its just me and DH? My sister's family will be five people (2 or 3 rooms) and my brothers family will be four people (2 rooms). The children are all between 12 and 5 years.

Am I being selfish? Should we pay per person (including children) or per room, or should I just accept it and pay a third of the total cost?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 16/03/2016 17:40

We always split per room needed.

seven201 · 16/03/2016 18:00

Per room is fairest

dustarr73 · 16/03/2016 18:39

Per room but i think you will have to have everything written down your sister sounds a bit of a chancer.Could all the kids go into 1 room and let them split the costs.

Plus i think all kids should be 20% whatever their ages.And alcohol you just buy your own.

silverduck · 16/03/2016 19:03

Having been the person with the big family - It seems fair to pay per room but I am not shoving my kids in the attic room with the sloping ceiling or on a day bed/sofa bed or sharing a bathroom whilst you have the ensuite king. If we all pay the same we all get equal dibs on the best rooms, which I guess means drawing lots over who picks first.

Also, if I am paying 3x as much as the DINKYs and I can't afford much then don't moan when I can't afford swanky, many bedroom mansions. I'm going to be suggesting very basic accommodation with shared bathrooms.

I'm not going on shared family holidays again, and this is one of the reasons (there are others), the gap in what we can afford compared to couples with bigger incomes when the per room or per person model is used is too big. They also don't get that there is an overhead of large houses. Have a google - 3 bedrooms cottages are cheaper than 3 rooms in an 8 bedroom house. You pay a premium for a large house with seating in the lounge and dining room to accommodate all of them, and it's not fair for the people with the most kids to pay more for that.

Plateofcrumbs · 16/03/2016 20:08

When we were DINKYs we have been away numerous times with ILs and their kids and we've always paid more than what our share would be on a 'per room' basis because we could more easily afford it (so really we were chipping in more to get a nicer place than the family would otherwise be able to afford).

Iggypoppie · 16/03/2016 20:15

OP Splitting per room is pedantic. It's a one off so why would you resent treating your nieces and nephews? Are you the type who brings out a calculator at the end of a meal?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 16/03/2016 20:19

When we were DINKYs

When you were what? Were you born a toy?

What's a Dinky?

Iggypoppie · 16/03/2016 20:20

You'd be better off going to a hotel by the sounds of it.

HoggleHoggle · 16/03/2016 20:22

I really wouldn't expect my sis and BiL to 'treat' my ds by part funding a room for him...that's a treat for the parents, surely, by lessening their expenditure?

Also it doesn't follow that those without children always have more disposable income.

Blu · 16/03/2016 20:29

FirstWeTakeManhattan: Dual Income No Kids.

Andylion · 16/03/2016 20:30

What's a Dinky?

I believe it's "double income, no kids yet".
See also, DINKS: double income, no kids

EllaHen · 16/03/2016 20:32

I've been away with my SIL a few times. We are a family of 2 adults, two children and she is one adult one child. We pay two thirds and she pays one third.

In your situation, per room seems fair but I agree with pp's about not all rooms being equal. It's a minefield isn't it.

Perhaps a row of holiday cottages or chalets? Your poor partners may not want to be cooped up with their in--laws for three day.

OrangeSquashTallGlass · 16/03/2016 20:33

'OP Splitting per room is pedantic. It's a one off so why would you resent treating your nieces and nephews? Are you the type who brings out a calculator at the end of a meal?'

My sister's like this and just assumes I want to 'treat' her DC. Just because someone doesn't have DC doesn't mean they have more disposable income than those who do. And even if they do why is it then just presumed that they'll pay?

ZenNudist · 16/03/2016 20:40

Yep, per room used. It doesn't bode well that they are already taking advantage.

With food I'd just split equally between number of people, unless there is a child that eats much less. Be flexible / kind on this one as everyone has different appetites. Are you expected to cover your parent's food costs as I think that's not really necessary.

Are you going to go out for any meals together? Decide in advance what to do about paying the bills. Insisting everyone pays for what they've had fairest.

Choosing rooms going to be difficult. Obviously you get a double room provided you've booked a place with sufficient doubles. But then you've got to consider the layout of the place so that parents can be near young dc at night. Older dc it's not usually a problem. Plus which bathroom is nearest to your rooms and who you'll be sharing with? It's embarrassing leaving the loo having made a smell to have your SIL go in after you Grin or passing FIL on the landing at night to go for a wee, or not being able to get in the bathroom in the morning as all the dc are brushing teeth together.... Might be best to let the families have the bigger bathrooms.

Ideally you'd want to give your parents the master suite, which will at least avoid any fights over that! People can get quite sharp elbowed about bagsying best rooms. Perhaps do your research in advance and get a good idea from photos/ description/ floor plan which room you want.

Blu · 16/03/2016 20:41

Silverduck: but the fact that there are big families makes all those big rooms necessary: your kids will take up space in those, and in fact it is the presence of kids that makes more than one TV room desirable, surely? And if there is a premium on big houses surely the smaller family units would also benefit from , say a 3 or 4 Bec house that all could fit in if it was just adults.

Fair enough about room apportionment. But in the end paying for children is the responsibility of the parents, surely?

OP; My only hesitation in this case is that the whole holiday is the present for the parents, rather than being a holiday for each of the participants, so just splitting the cost of the present, the extended family party, 3 ways would be fair enough as a one off. After all if you hosted a party with a buffet for them you wouldn't share out costs according to how many members of your respective families would be scoffing the vol au vents, would you?

stitch10yearson · 16/03/2016 20:43

we always split per person, counting the little ones as half a person. So my sis would pay for three people as she has two dc aged 5 and 7 plus a dh. Seems fairer to us.

PennyHasNoSurname · 16/03/2016 20:46

We go away annually and split per bed. So a couple pay two portions, a child in a bed pays one portion, a baby in a crib pays nothing.

If someone wants a guaranteed room that sleeps two they pay two portions (never had to do this as we always get a bigger house than whats needed).

Food is split equally between all the adults, we do a massive shop and cater breakfast and dinner. All kids have a fiver chucked into the food bill (remainder split between all adults).

NettleTea · 16/03/2016 20:49

split the parents room between the siblings (ie in 1/3rds) split the rest of the holiday per room. Thats only fair. Hotels charge children 12 and over as an adult, the others half price, so if you wanted to complicate matters further you could calculate that
granny and grandad = 2/11ths
each couple = 2/11ths
12 year old = 1/11th
children = 1/22th

ZenNudist · 16/03/2016 20:50

Silverduck

* I am not shoving my kids in the attic room with the sloping ceiling or on a day bed/sofa bed or sharing a bathroom whilst you have the ensuite king. If we all pay the same we all get equal dibs on the best rooms, which I guess means drawing lots over who picks first. *

Does it sound remotely fair that children get a master suite? No. It's fair that adults all get equal dibs on the doubles and then OP can leave the parents to sort between them the best way to sleep their dc.

It stands to reason in a house there's going to be some rooms for couples and some rooms for children and if one of the dc rooms (single beds) is a sloping roof attic room then what's the beef? I think you point out yourself that it's also the extra space, extra seating at tables and sofas, extra plates etc - you pay your dc share of these amenities too. That's life. If your dc weren't there you could get away with smaller lounge, less plates etc.

Not trying to start a fight Wink just seems a funny attitude to ignore the extra space and materials you take up as a family compared to a couple.

LyndaNotLinda · 16/03/2016 20:53

Per room for rent and food split with each child counting as half a person.

londonrach · 16/03/2016 20:54

Per room is fairest

silverduck · 16/03/2016 20:57

It's true that paying for the children is the responsibility of the parents but that means that the parents are more financially stretched and paying more for their family unit to have the same experience as another smaller family unit, plus you have much less say then you do on your own holiday about the standard of accommodation. I have had the experience of being asked to pay over £1200 whilst smaller family units are asked to pay just over £400 for a holiday when I'm happy to sleep in a dorm with my kids with shared bathrooms but that was unacceptable to the smaller families as they can afford higher standards. It makes you feel shit tbh.

There's a reason that holiday companies charge less for children, or offer free child places, or let them go free if they sleep in your room.

I think that asking larger families to pay an amount more is ok btw just not for little kids with no income to pay the same as a couple of adults with jobs.

Flamingflume · 16/03/2016 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EweAreHere · 16/03/2016 21:00

Per room or per person.

Funny how it's always people with children who want the childless couple to pay the same, much like people who drink at dinner and order expensive meals wanting to split the tab evenly with people who ordered carefully and didn't order alcohol due to their budgets.

You're supposed to be treating the grandparents, not subsidizing other people's children which can be quite steep if a much bigger place was needed and more food, etc.

silverduck · 16/03/2016 21:00

ZenNudist - absolutely two little kids should get an equal chance of getting the master if they are paying the same as two adults.They pay the same, they get the same. What's better is the approach a few have suggested on here is that they pay 50% of an adult or some other formula and part of getting that reduction is they get the rooms that it suits everyone else for them to have.