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Original poster

To tell his gf ?

153 replies

Kimberley00001 · 15/03/2016 14:03

Been sleeping with this guy on and off for a year and a bit , yep you guessed it he has a gf ( or maybe a few he gets around ) I feel very angry about how he has treated me and I'm wondering do I tell his gf? She deserves to know what he is , and I suspect she left her husband to start relationship with aforementioned guy. Wibu to tell her?

OP posts:
IdealWeather · 15/03/2016 14:38

I would take myself to get check for STD.
Then I would tell her, very matter of fact. She needs to be able to get checked too anyway.

Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 15/03/2016 14:39

Not personally .. I've seen her FB posts and she seems very childish ...
Adrenaline, please tell me you met a lovely man after that and you lived happily ever after Smile

OP posts:
LeiasBuns · 15/03/2016 14:40

How do you know his kids like her? (Just wondered...)

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/03/2016 14:40

I don't get people saying not to tell her, would you not want to know that your partner was sleeping around (unprotected) and putting your sexual health at risk? I would be livid if I found out someone knew that and didn't tell me.

OP's motives (or lack of) don't change the fact that he's potentially exposing this woman to a bucketload of STD's.

Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 15/03/2016 14:41

Facebook leia... Lots of liking going on between her and kids pics etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 15/03/2016 14:42

I don't have stds hermione .. But I can't discount him sleeping with others apart from me

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LeiasBuns · 15/03/2016 14:45

Ah... I probably would tell her. But I'd fully expect to be shot as the messenger of course.

Valentine2 · 15/03/2016 14:45

Tell her. It's not your business what she does with this info. She might not listen to the "other woman " this time but he looks like a serial cheat and she will at least be alarmed after you warn. That's means you could potentially save some other women. Good enough reason for me. His kids are most certainly not your problem either.

theredjellybean · 15/03/2016 14:47

it depends what you are hoping to achieve by telling her ?

I do not think it is a good idea at all.

You are either doing it because you are hurt and looking at lashing out to make you feel better ( which is natural and understandable) ...

or you think this may cause him to come to you and you will have a relationship and be his primary GF

she might already know ? and you will not feel any better for telling her.

I have been the OW and the desire to tell was often overwhelming but i realised it was 'for me' not ' for her ' that i wanted to do tell. I wanted ructions and him for myself....luckily i woke up to the whole sorry situation, and got out of affair and worked on my own behaviour and reactions.

I suggest you consider counselling for yourself and leave him and GF to sort themselves out. You will not be thanked by her/him or kids for telling.

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/03/2016 14:47

No, I wasn't saying you did, OP.

But like you say, if he slept with you behind her back, what's to stop him sleeping with countless others?

Binders1 · 15/03/2016 14:47

Op, is this the 50 yr old you posted about before Christmas, where you were the on/off OW for 3 yrs? If it is, forget about him and his gf.

Or is this someone else whom you were seeing at the same time as him?

Pinkheart5915 · 15/03/2016 14:51

You feel very angry about how he treated you. The lesson there is do not sleep with men that Have girlfriends.

You only want to tell her for spiteful reasons, and out of revenge for how he treated you. You'll get end up looking bitter.

Leave him and his partner alone, she'll see him for what he is in her own time.

Just move on and forget him, just make sure the guy is single next time.

Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 15/03/2016 14:52

It's the same guy BUT.... I didn't speak to him for over two years he just flirted ..then we lost contact .. It's only the 3 rd year we slept together which he has duped me about his relationship status

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimberley00001 · 15/03/2016 14:55

I can't believe what is happening to me... I'm attractive intelligent I have a much sought after uni place for September and this is like an episode of Jeremy Kyle ...

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 15/03/2016 14:59

Kimberley...do not be too hard on yourself...lots of us get into all sorts of messes ..sometimes creeps up on us :)

You will be fine, but do not get further involved with your very own Jeremy kyle drama....do not tell gf , that is just prolonging the drama.

JanetOfTheApes · 15/03/2016 15:00

Then don't make it worse by getting into fb arguments with women you don't know about men you should never have slept with.
If you aren't friends on fb she wont see your message anyway!

curren · 15/03/2016 15:01

Not personally .. I've seen her FB posts and she seems very childish ...

Sounds like part of this is to get at her.

MissPronounced · 15/03/2016 15:02

If I were her I'd want to know my boyfriend was unfaithful, regardless of your motives for telling me.

I really don't get this idea that one should only tell if their motives are 'pure' or purely altruistic, or whatever (to be fair it's not an attitude I've encountered in real life. Only here on Mumsnet). She should know what her boyfriend is up to, so who cares if your motive in telling her is to drop him in the shit, make him feel terrible (as he should) and get a bit of revenge. He's hardly undeserving of it.

shovetheholly · 15/03/2016 15:05

Jesus, I don't see any evidence that kimberley is in any way spiteful.

She didn't know the guy was seeing someone else. Just because you have casual sex with someone does not mean you're into cheating. It's often the way that more committed relationships begin, after all. And particularly if you've just come out of an emotionally abusive relationship (as she says she has), you might well want to start slowly and build up to a commitment.

She's now discovered he's attached and is wondering what to do. Personally, I would want to know if I were his gf - but I'd want the person to be doing it from rage with him, not rage with me for existing.

centigrade451 · 15/03/2016 15:08

A very close friend went through this. She told the fiance - the fiance just defended him.

My friend lost all their mutual friends and was treated like enemy number one. He went on to marry the fiance (they did divorce a few years later).

It seemed to have hurt my friend far more than anyone else. So on that basis I would say - it won't help. She will find out eventually.

lunar1 · 15/03/2016 15:10

I'd want to know so I'd say to tell her.

MissPronounced · 15/03/2016 15:11

I realise my previous message possibly sounds a bit flippant. It's not meant to be. I just wish somebody had bothered informing me about my ex's behaviour at the time.

And I did not mean to imply that you are seeking revenge or being spiteful in considering telling his girlfriend, as it doesn't sound like you are to me. Just that even if your motives were slightly less than 100% pure I really wouldn't see that as a reason not to tell her.

Binders1 · 15/03/2016 15:16

Kimberley00001 I don't think the important thing here is telling the current gf. You have known he has had gf's and overlapping gf's. You keep posting about this same loser and people have given lots of good advice.

In your threads you keep reiterating about how attractive/very pretty, intelligent you are etc etc but it's all talk. Start believing in it and recognise you deserve more because you keep hankering after this guy 20 yrs your senior, who doesn't sound like a catch at all from your previous threads.

Start focusing on yourself and your happiness. Go nc with him and block fb etc. When you a ready to stop settling for less, then meet someone who is single.

curren · 15/03/2016 15:17

The reason I don't think he should do it, if it's only to upset the gf, is because generally when people act out of spite it bites them on the arse

Janeymoo50 · 15/03/2016 15:22

Walk away, don't look back. You will turn it into even more of a Jeremy Kyle episode if you do anything. I think you're wanting revenge too.