When my children are older

[GloGirl]

Would I be unreasonable if I followed them into the toilet and jumped up and down in their underpants and protest loudly if they won't let me sit on their knee?

I also want to make sure that at least 3 times I day I reach into their space and press their phone randomly. Screaming loudly if they try and move the phone away from me.

I shall get a chair, climb on said chair, go into the kitchen cupboard and get out the biscuit tin, eat the contents, leave the chair there and demy it was me even though I was the only one to go into the kitchen.

I will constantly ask 'are we there yet?' and repeat every 10 minutes, even though we are barely at the end of the road and have another 4 hrs worth of journey left.

I will need to go to the toilet as soon as they set foot in the shower even though they asked before hand if I needed it.

I will say it's not fair every time I am asked to do something that I don't want to.

I will scratch my name into DS's newly decorated wall.

And I will vomit into the hood of his hoodie in Costa Coffee.

I will find their tin of cough sweets, suck them all and put them back in the tin so they morph into a sticky, wet, unusable mass.

I will paint my toe nails in bed and get it all over the sheets.

i'm going to wait until we're at the front in the taxi queue we've been in for 20 mins and then urgently need a poo.

Keep their old school reports and give them to the grandchildren to read......... my mother did this....

Another one (sorry, this is my therapy).
I will 'lose' a very important piece of paper, scream the house down while blaming everyone else for my loss. Then I will find it in my room the whole time and not look contrite at all.

Maitland the nail clipper thing. This is DD.

I shall stay over at DS's house, go to bed early, and just when they think I am definitely asleep and therefore safe to start having some "fun" I shall reappear at the top of the stairs, suddenly wide awake, and demand 20 stories, a cuddle and 5 different drinks before they finally get me to go to bed again. By which point they will be too tired to do anything other than collapse on the sofa!
Thus insuring they have no sex life.

I shall refuse to go to the toilet despite clearly needing to, then wee all over the recently clean sofa cushions.

I shall refuse to wear anything other than the most inappropiate footwear, then have a total meltdown 2miles from home and refuse to do anything except go back, because my feet hurt/are cold.

When we go out to eat, I will demand food I know I don't like, scream the pub down when it appears, then proceed to eat half of everyone else's dinner.

Oh and YADNBU!

I also plan to wait until DS has his first proper hangover, then wake him up at 6am by jumping on his bed, talking about poo, then start a shreiking game. If he asks me to stop, or give him 10 minutes, I shall start bringing in many hard and sharp objects to put in his bed, until the noise/pain forces him out!

Kate the hair, yes, the hair! Why do they do it?! If I wanted a horrible tangled giant dreadlock thing, I'd ask for one.

I will never, ever, EVER let them drink a cup of tea while it's hot.

Occasionally they can have it while it's tepid. Mostly it will be stone cold.

Mawbroon, my DH already does the need a poo when everyone else is in the car thing. GRRR

chaos glad you like

I like the Cats Like Glittery Mobile Christmas cards.

I always thought my two were pretty tame (Paint/Garden/Carpet aside).

Then I read all the teenage ones on here and realise that I am coming up to the top of the rollercoaster age wise, and about to descend

I'm going to eat stinky, farty food like fried eggs, chicken and stuffing, lashed down with curry, then store it up for a week and decide I need the biggest, stinkin' shit when they've just sunk into a nice hot bubble bath...

Thanks Glogirl and PPs this thread has been cathartic - very much needed, cheers!

When they're in a hurry, I will stand on the threshold of the door while they do a dance of fury behind me.

To make my revenge extra appropriate, I will ask two friends to help me and we will pause in the doorway one after the other, so that their drumming feet actually leave a burn mark on the hall floor.

(Looking at you - DS1, DD1 and DS2)

I'm going to stay alert for any trips to the bathroom that do not involve me and yell POO IN THE TOILET to alert the rest of the household to what is going on.

For ds. I will visit every day and poo in his toilet. And leave it there.

Will also take every one of his clothes, toys books.... Anything. And leave it in the middle of the floor. In every room.

For dd, I will scream loudly that I am tired while cuddling my teddy. From 2-5 pm. Instead of just having a nap.

I will have to rope DH in for this one. He will wait until they are knackered and sink gratefully into a lovely big bubble bath (they will need a small bathroom for the full effect). DH will then go and stand at the toilet whilst doing a wee, engage them in conversation, and then turn to them whilst making a point, and inadvertently spray wee all over the toilet, the floor and the face of the bathing person. I will make sure DH saves up a really big wee for this, possibly by refusing to go to the toilet all afternoon as he is too busy playing Minecraft...

Yes, on reflection, younger children are worse than teenagers

With my DS, i'm going to play a violent shoot'em up game until 3am, with the sound on really loud, having a great time with my imaginary friends virtual mates on my headset, swearing my head off and yelling ' oh you fat bastard' or similar periodically, in case he's actually managed to fall asleep at any point.

Are you me buckingfrolicks?

Quite possibly, Libitina!

I'm going to appear in the bathroom within 5 seconds of them sitting on the toilet or getting in the shower; with some matter of vital national importance to discuss. Every. Fucking. Time.

I'm going to run away in shops, run in and out of the clothes racks playing hide and seek. Whine for whatever catches my eye until they buy it to shut me up. Then promptly fixate on something else. Ask to get in the trolley even though I'm patently way too big.

Play up when they're going out for the evening asking should I call 999 or what I should do if I fall down the stairs, or if the house burns down, or if aliens invade, or some other completely unlikely random catastrophe.

Wait until bedtime for an in depth discussion of my day, or the workings of the human eyeball and ask for countless drinks of water.

Hide all my dirty clothes until I have a nice stinky stash at the back of my wardrobe. The exception being that all my socks are put out to wash inside out.

Moan dramatically that 'I'm staaaarrrvvving' then when they have poured their time and love into producing a meal, eat 2 bites and announce 'I'm not hungry now'. Once it's cleared away ask for crisps/biscuits/chocolate/ice cream.

Stand at the top of the stairs and scream hysterically, 'Where's my

Oh and if DD should ever treat herself to a beautiful pair of cashmere lined, leather gloves, I will take immense pleasure in snipping the tip of both middle fingers. Not all the way off, just so it opens like a little hinged teapot lid.

I'll wait until they're oh, all of a week old.