When my children are older

[GloGirl]

Would I be unreasonable if I followed them into the toilet and jumped up and down in their underpants and protest loudly if they won't let me sit on their knee?

I also want to make sure that at least 3 times I day I reach into their space and press their phone randomly. Screaming loudly if they try and move the phone away from me.

I'm going to wait for a day when they REALLY need to be somewhere on time (maybe the church, on their wedding day or something like that) then collapse in tears in the hallway and refuse to leave the house until some small, random and long-ignored piece of plastic gaudy tat has been found, necessitating a full ransacking of the house and causing total mess armageddon.

When they start singing or humming along to something I'm going to shout

HEY, STOP SINGING.

I'm going to wait until they are a couple of bites into a delicious meal and then insist they come to the bathroom with me to watch me do a poo.

For Christmas my dad bought my two year old Ds a drum, felt tip pens and v tech cars. His revenge has been cruel and unusual!

I shall wait until they are asleep then enter their bedroom under cover of darkness and steal the following and put them in my own bedroom forever:

Every single pair of tights they own
Every hair bobble
Every hair grip
Their hair straighteners
Their perfume
Their new jumper they haven't worn yet
Their handbags, especially their favourite

I will then go to the kitchen under cover of darkness and steal the following and put them in my own bedroom forever

Every single mug
Every single plate
Every single bowl
Every single spoon
Every single fork - but not the knives!
All the cereal especially Coco Pop
The posh juice they are keeping for themselves
Every single teabag
All the milk except a dribble left in the bottle
Every single slice of bread
All the chocolate fingers

Coco Pops

I will also insist that they buy branded Coco Pops for me as the supermarkets' own brands are inferior, and can be detected even if decanted into IKEA storage containers. I will also scatter said Coco Pops across the kitchen floor and worksurfaces prior to eating them at midnight in my bedroom

I am going to wake them at 5am to tell them that my sock has fallen off.

Whenever they invite me and DP round for a naice, civilised meal, we're going to co-ordinate our likes/dislikes so that regardless of what is served, one of us will sit there sulking and refusing to eat it and one of us will start crying and demanding everybody else's share.

Don't forget to hide every single pen/pair of scissors/roll of Sellotape too Mymble.

Too many times I've been forced to fill out important forms in purple fucking crayon.

I'm going to sit in the back of their cars on every motorway journey constantly needing the loo and asking are we there yet on a 5 minute loop.

I'm going to pick my nose and wipe it on the side of their sofa. Or their cat

I'm going to lie down on the floor and ignore every discussion I don't like the direction of.

I often feel like doing this at work.

Oh saucy I didn't dare discuss the lack of pens/scissors/my hot water bottle/gloves/hats for fear I combusted with rage.

Reading this, I'm trying to work out if it's worse having teenagers or toddlers. The annoying thing about teens is they're old enough to know better

I am going to put all of the remote controls in my 'precious cupboard ' forever, demand snacks after eating a full meal, and (looking at my DM here) buy any future grandchildren lots of lovely, wooden, percussion instruments for Christmas. They can also be used to dent and break furniture don't you know!

YANBU by the way

I'm going to charge into their bedrooms at 5 am to ask very important questions like; "do dogs have cheeks?" and "why is salt white?".

YANBU when mine have their own families and I visit I am going to demand a totally different meal to the one they are preparing - EVERY TIME
I will control the TV and I will talk all the way through everything they want to watch
When we go out I will wait until we are 5mins from our destination before demanding we go home because I have forgotten something
I will refuse to go to bed and climb in with them at 3am

I was laughing at these posts until I realised that this is what my mum is doing to me every time I visit them! I'd put it down to being a bit old/deaf/set in her ways but this makes much mores sense of:

Watching very dull TV programmes very loudly even when everyone else is trying to sleep
Making odd and inappropriate comments in public places (usually involving the bowel habits of a family member)
Farting...loudly...and noxiously
Insisting on having certain foods that no one else likes or wants to cook
Following me when I go to the loo and not taking a break from her monologue/conversation even when I close the door.

I will have to ask her which of these I did as a child!

I fully intend to visit my children in their homes when they are are adults and stay for dinner.

When it arrives on the table I shall pull my face and declare that this food is crap and I really hate it whilst throwing myself about like Harry Enfield's Kevin the teenager. Then negotiate loudly with them about which bits of the meal I will and won't eat.

Can't wait!

My oldest is nearly 18. I fear she's not actually old enough to appreciate these things yet, but when she's in her 20's and got her own place I'm going to stay with her.

I'm going to wait until everyone is going to bed and announce I'm now going in for a shower. And then I'm going to take ALL the towels and leave them in a wet soggy heap on my bedroom floor. In the morning when she puts her head round the door to ask where all the towels are I'm going to scream 'get out of my room! I need privacy'

Then I'm going to slam doors for the rest of the day, refuse to eat the meal she's cooked because it looks rank and then I'm going to wait until she's done all the cleaning up in the kitchen, make myself some food and leave dirty stuff lying about everywhere.

Well, after what happened this morning I am going to do a massive, smelly poo in their downstairs toilet and then refuse to flush and leave it stinking out the place. I will do my best to produce massive skidmarks too.
Then, when challenged about said poo I will walk slowly towards the bathroom, trip over my own feet and bang my head very heavily on the toilet door. This must all be done just as they really need to be getting out somewhere important and I will spend the whole journey to the somewhere important sulking and rubbing my head.
If they live somewhere that has more than one toilet and I manage to do that in all of them, all the better. Heh heh heh.
I'm also going to steal all their left shoes and dump them down behind the sofa, wake them at 3am demanding a cuddle every single night and if they ever take me shopping I shall spend the whole time wailing that I hate shopping, running away and lurking in the bakery aisle.

I might have to ask "what's your favourite colour/ thing to do / food'. 3 million times a day.

I may also find all their really important things and put them in a bag. In another bag.

I am particularly looking forward to putting a sticker on them just before they go out of the door to work. Making quite sure that it stays in place all the way through their very. Important. Meeting.

chunky me too! I was only moaning to Dsis a few days ago that mum comes down leaves her cup on the coffee table and her sweet wrappers all over the settee. The only problem is we didn't have the chance to finish the brew let alone leave the cup lying around and sweets were a monthly once in a while treat.

My vocab will only extend as far as "It's not fair" anytime they mention anything. Then again, I shall include the word "nasty" they will also be nasty on a regular basis especially when they are trying to get me to see sense.

I"m going to hide random household objects in their school bag to fall out in front of their friends when they get there. Preferably things from my bedside table, like condoms. And put their socks in the bin. And walk the wrong way when we're in a rush. And switch their phones into Spanish. Mwa ha haaa!

I think insisting on sleeping horizontally in their bed with them and waking them up every night at 2 and 5am with a nipple twist is probably a step too far though.