When my children are older

[GloGirl]

Would I be unreasonable if I followed them into the toilet and jumped up and down in their underpants and protest loudly if they won't let me sit on their knee?

I also want to make sure that at least 3 times I day I reach into their space and press their phone randomly. Screaming loudly if they try and move the phone away from me.

Thought of another: I will go round to my rich friend's house, come back home and whine that it's not fair I haven't got a /indoor pool/a snack cupboard the size of a small country/every electronic gadget known to man.

I might also interrupt every thought they have ever had with inane anxiety questions. Then sulk when they get bored and refuse to answer inane anxiety question No' 534.

I will also take their personal iPad, break it (one week after the insurance ran out), then claim it couldn't possibly be me even though I was the only person to use it.

I will wait to do that til they have a load of important work on it that they hadn't backed up elsewhere.

Oh and I will get paranoid because a casual acquaintance might have glimpsed my mobile phone password, change it hastily, forget what I changed it to, then expect them to pay £20 a month for a phone I can no longer use.

Revenge is going to be sweet.

I am also going to pointlessly fight my brother, loudly and endlessly, over nothing.

I'm gonna leave my dirty knickers in every room of the house and shout "can somebody help me wipe my buuuummmmmmmm!" At the top f my voice every time I do a poo..... I might even walk into the lounge with my knickers round my ankles and bend over and ask them to check its clean!!!!!

I'm going to climb in the car in muddy shoes over the drivers seat and leave the window open in the rain

I’m going to wake DS up every night for two years and when I’m finished, I’m going to wake up DD every night for eighteen months. I’m going to record and memorise everything they ever say and use it to constantly win arguments. I’m going to make them late for work nearly every day by taking at least forty minutes to put on 7 items of clothing every morning. It won’t really take forty minutes it’ll actually take 5 but it will involve a lot of staring into space between each item.

I’m going to tell whopping great lies to authority figures they regularly meet. Apparently I’m not DS’s dad, he died in Iraq and won medals, I’m his stepdad(It’s just a huge coincidence that he’s the living image of me).

On the hottest day of the year, i'm going to (secretly) change out of my sandals into my wellies, get in the car and allow myself to be driven 25 miles to a nearby town, where upon i shall 'need' some new sandals as i no longer like the other ones and can't possibly walk around in the heat in wellies.

I'm going to violently oppose any suggestion of the potty or toilet, and then piss on the lounge rug.

Preferably on or near their cat.

I'm going to call them by name and when they reply after the 15th time, say..... "Nothing" or "I forgot"!
I will also go up to them when they are sleeping and lift open their eyelids and say "Are you awake?"! Oh and put my finger up their nostril to see what's up there!!
Lol

With my DS, i'm going to play a violent shoot'em up game until 3am, with the sound on really loud, having a great time with my imaginary friends virtual mates on my headset, swearing my head off and yelling ' oh you fat bastard' or similar periodically, in case he's actually managed to fall asleep at any point.

And I'm going to do it Every Single Night without fail, until he breaks...

I shall sleep like a Starfish in their beds.
I shall play 'moles' in their beds. For 10 years...
I shall leave apple cores / pants / pens / toys / a rabbit in their beds.
I shall arrive, at 2.45am, to ask 'if Santa has been yet?', when I am 10 (0).

I shall refuse to 'be shut out' of the loo and keep talking to them and demanding answers whilst they are using the loo / shower / bath. If they attempt to shut me out I shall hammer on the door and shout louder. (they are 11 and 8, ffs...)

I shall swipe all nice chocs / fancy biscuits / treats in the fridge and deny it all.

I will make them play Minecraft then tell them how rubbish they are.
And Chess.
Any Gymnastics.
And Singing.
And

I shall smear toothpaste everywhere. Never flush the loo. Refuse showers/soap/promise hands are clean when my nails are rimed with black grime

I shall drop house keys behind the radiator. Car keys down a drain. I shall lie in a gutter and wail. Preferably in front of a Policeman or GP.

Best though - I will creep down to their basement. Find the new large can of gloss emulsion. I will go up the garden. Dig a hole. Pour the paint in. Then - my Crowing glory (see what I did there?) I will walk muddy painty footprints all along the hall carpet whilst I go to the loo. I shall do this with an accomplice. We will both deny it all, despite being covered in paint. I will then cry and make them feel sorry for me. I shall be 9 (0) when doing this.

I shall also roll my eyes and tell them how, like, embarrassing they are.

Ooops. Epic rant

With my DD I'm just going to ask to borrow every single charger, every one, that she has - including her emergency secret one - and then stash them somewhere so she'll never find them. And then deny that she ever lent me a charger - SHE must have lost them.
Bring it on

I will wait until my face and fingers are covered in gooey chocolate/snot or a mixture of both and walk up to them bend down and wipe my face on their lovely clean trousers they have just put on, then wave my hands at them until they wipe my fingers clean.
I will also do a poo and require changing, or pretend i've done a poo and require checking and shout poo mummy poo just as we're putting jackets on to go out (preferably to work).
I will also fail to find anything for myself even if it right in front of me, requiring everything to be handed to me.

I'm going to watch endless laddish dating shows and boring football programmes with James Corden being hail fellow well met with the sort of blokes who'd have flicked him with wet towels in PE.... no, hang on they'd like that OK, I'm going to watch endless programmes about knitting and history and archaeology and anything with Tony Robinson in it (who they loathe) and repeatedly ask them why they don't love Tony Robinson; isn't he great, Tony Robinson? And repeats of the shows we watched last week with Tony Robinson. And when they ask to watch a programme on the TV they have paid for, I will throw a fit, and when they say well, you can record it, I will say "But that's not the same! I have to see Tony NOW!"

purplepandas It was XMIL on the phone..... When I called her back a little later she actually asked me if I'd had a good poo and then chuckled like a loon for ages!

Bit a brilliant epic ranty, wheel ofapps.

I particularly like the paint/denial/pity plan

I am going to bring approximately 183 mates round to their house at 1.30 am when they are in bed, drink all the coffee, clear out the fridge and leave washing up, pizza cartons and the odd comatose body for them to stumble upon in the morning.
I will remove and hide all the screwdrivers, scissors, sellotape, plasters and mugs in the house.
I will leave all the lights on in the house, occasionally leave all external doors open for good measure, as well as at least 2 cooker rings - all night.
I will make it my mission in life to cover the whole of my bedroom floor with clean clothes/dirty clothes, washing up, electronic bits and pieces, motor bike spares, guitars, wires, etc.
I will park my car in the middle of the lawn.
I will cover the hand basin with an appetising mixture of toothpaste and shavings.

For dd 1i shall have a good old sulk less than 5 minutes into her wedding reception, strip down to my pink shoes, vest and pants and dance like a loon on the dance floor shaking my ass at all the guests.
Dd 2 I will invade her home and use her best lipstick to write my name all over the bathroom mirror and shower screen and then blame the cat! . Also I will watch all my favourite tv programs Binge style to drive her loopy.
Ds. I will invade his house , and in the morning before he gets up I will sneak into his wardrobe so that when he opens it he will shit his pants and have a heart attack, oh and leave random sticks/spiders/fake poo/sweet wrappers/odd socks/water bottles and skiddy pants in his bed.
Dd 3 i will ask her 3 million times a day for a game of scrabble/monopoly or guess who then have a paddy because because I'm fed up after five minutes, I will eat all her grapes, leave her toilet unflushed , walk around with toothpaste up my nose when she has visitors while asking questions she doesn't know the answers too.
Ahh that feels better

I'm going to run into their room at silly o clock, jump on them and start bouncing up and down on their beds.
If I get invited round for tea, I'm going to poke at whatever they've cooked, loudly shout "What's THAT?!" and then refuse to eat it as it looks like puke.

I'll talk monotone nonstop about strategy in the hot phone game for toothless oldies, Clash of Arthritic Grans.

I'll wake them up at 1:15am in mad panic about something trivial, ensuring they can't sleep again for 2 hours. Y A W N .

(DD1/DS) I'm going to download or live steam series upon series of tv programmes then complain loudly at them that the Internet is too slow because I've used up the 500Gb monthly download limit.

(DD1) I'm going to talk at her about my favourite tv actors / singers / famous people and insist that everything I've read on the intent is true - then sulk when she points out that gossip is just that, and unusually complete bullshit.

(DS) I'll liberate every single pair of nail clippers in the house and deny all knowledge of going into his ensuite to get them.

(All of them) I'm going to use their hairdressing scissors for plastic and to open packets in the kitchen because I've lost their kitchen scissors.

(DD2) I'm going to ask her 10mins before she need to leave the house to straighten my hair, then sulk when she tells me I should have asked earlier.

(DD1) I'm going to say "in a minute" when she tells me to have a shower, and keep saying that for at least 10 hours, then get in the shower after 10pm and complain that my hair is poufy in the morning (because I went to bed with wet hair!) and somehow make it her fault.

(DD2) I'm going to constantly complain that the reason I can't bring my friends over is because she's embarrassing.

(DS/DD1) I'm going to spend the entire day in my room, only coming out for meals, then head straight back into my room and when they say "oh you're still alive then" I'll roll my eyes and mutter about them, only it'll be loud enough for them to hear.

(DD1) I'm going to get an extensive collection of bonsai trees then leave it up to her to take care of them, even though she never wanted them in the first place.

(All of them) I'm going to claim every single good idea they ever had as my own!

(All of them) I'm going to ignore the family calendar and the fact that they've been out every day for a month taking other people places and on the one day they can have a lie in, agree to go out with some friends leaving at some ridiculous hour of the morning.

(DD1) Finally, I'm going to proudly proclaim that I stayed in bed till gone midday but I'm still tired, while looking at the huge bags under her eyes and ask "what's for lunch, I'm starving!" Then refuse to eat it and get all passive aggressive about the fact no one ever buys food I like, not caring that I change my mind on an almost daily basis about what food I'll eat.

Hopefully I won't have long to wait to enact my revenge as they are between 15 and 20 years of age.