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Original poster

I hate sharing a bed with dh

154 replies

NeedACleverNN · 15/03/2016 10:55

I love him to bits but seriously sometimes it's hard not to smother him in his sleep!

Despite knowing I like my space, he still ends up wiggling closer and closer to me, finally ending up trying to spoon me. He gets an elbow in the gut for that.

He has a bad habit of sleeping with his legs in the air, which then crash down on the bed.

I like sleeping with the duvet cacooned around me.

He lifts it slightly so there's a draft going down my back.

He literally turns into an 8 legged lead octopus when he's asleep. One limb everywhere and weighs a ton so I can't move him.

He manages to angle his head so he is breathing directly in my face Angry

It's all silly petty things I get that and at weekends he sleeps downstairs so I can get some proper rest, but I am not sleeping when he is bed.

He won't entertain separate beds.
He's worried that it's going to push us apart.

I'm worried I'm going to commit murder if I continue to lose sleep.

I'm waking up with a splitting headache and it makes me very irritable.

What can I do?

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 15/03/2016 21:01

You would prob find a superking frame on ebay or freecycle for very little. Two single mattresses 3' would prevent you noticing him moving around so much. Separate duvets solves that issue. DH and I are both big and very tall and a SK bed was essential but we can genuinely fit at least one child if not 2 between us without noticing.Holidays are always a nightmare for us if we end up in something smaller and often one of us will decamp to a single and the other share with a child on holiday as we need the space now!

Enkopkaffetak · 15/03/2016 21:08

Just an hour ago I mentioned to dh my dream house had separate bedrooms for me and him. He got all hurt going. "That's me told then".
Actually no its me saying I get tired from sleeping with you. It's me saying I need to sleep well too
It's me saying I don't actually like the hard matress we have (Yes I know it's great for your back)
It's me saying I am tired of walking over your office work to get to my side of the bed.

Not at all you told....

To him i simply asked if he felt we slept well in a bed together. .he admitted not.

We are BTW also in the owner duvet each club. I can't stand it when he let's the cold air in.

SleepyForest · 15/03/2016 21:10

We have always had separate bedrooms. It's been 25 years and we are still very much in love.

pointythings · 15/03/2016 21:23

I mostly sleep in the spare room these days because of DH snoring. He has put on a lot of weight in the past year, especially around his neck, and as soon as he has the slightest hint of a cold the snoring is so bad I don't sleep.

Should have done it years ago, he was always a terrible duvet stealer. If I do go back to sharing a bed with him, we will have a separate couble duvet each.

Peasandsweetcorn · 15/03/2016 21:25

One of the reasons I fell in love with DH was that he was the first person I have shared a bed with who didn't need to be draped all over me all night. It's bliss. King size bed with super king size duvet so plenty of spare duvet & both sleep as far apart from each other as we can with our backs to each other. If he's been out, he sometimes has the audacity to roll over & breathe in my direction at which point the rage starts.
The flaw in this system is that 3yo DS views the gap between our backs as his and has a habit of rotating 90 degrees ending up with his head on DH and his feet on me. We're working on this...

Moocachoo · 15/03/2016 21:27

Start saving for a super king. You might think you can't afford it but can you afford a divorce? Even a second hand frame and a new mattress. Sleep deprivation is mental torture and will only lead to resentment and worse. It must be pushing you apart already. Could there also be issues in the relationship that need airing that might be being played out in the politics of sleeping?

magnificatAnimaMea · 15/03/2016 21:32

Another vote for separate beds pushed not quite together here.

Pushed completely together and i still get all the resonance from when DH is dancing the effing macarena while snoring like the polite, well adjusted lovechild of a pig and a t rex

Also white noise apps turned up to 11.

And two fingers up to the mad ex-housemate who used to shag his girlfriend on the sofa downstairs in the lounge while we waited upstairs for them to finish who went round telling people at work "they don't even sleep in the same bed". Guess which couple is happily married and which couple is divorced?

magnificatAnimaMea · 15/03/2016 21:35
  • as in, housemate was saying that my and DH's relationship was clearly in trouble as we slept in separate beds, weren't inclined to have semi-public sex at the drop of a hat, etc. I did sometimes wonder if housemate's girlfriend felt claustrophobic with his incessant need for public and private displays of affection...
nokidshere · 15/03/2016 21:36

I'm a terrible sleeper, fidgety, restless, insomnia. i have the Windows open and a fan going at all times. DH needs 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, cocooned in his duvet with blackout blinds and the heating on. Needless to say we are not sleep compatible at all.

We have had seperate rooms for 34 years. We start off in the same room, chat, read, have sex, whatever, but we always go to sleep in our own rooms.

We slept together with children for about two years in a Superking but it was bliss when they too went into their own rooms and we could all get some decent sleep again. It's very selfish of one person to deprive the other of sleep when there is a perfectly good solution.

NiceCurls2222222 · 15/03/2016 21:44

No money for a massive bed.? We got half our furniture from Freecycle (or Freegle). Google your local one.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 15/03/2016 21:50

So glad I'm not the only one. Currently have our summer weight duvet and he has the winter weight one. But worried about when the weather gets warmer and he wants mine!

Naicehamshop · 15/03/2016 21:52

Love this thread.

We also have separate duvets, but DH has got his incredibly annoying habit of twitching like mad in the night, making the mattress shake like there's been a bloody earthquake. Angry. I could honestly kill him.

Might try the memory foam mattress idea to stop the quaking and shaking. Smile

TattyDevine · 15/03/2016 22:25

Haven't read the whole thread but just adding my bit about why I sleep as well as I do.

Earpugs - wax ones available from Boots. All you can hear is your heartbeat and the occasional stomach rumble echoing about. Not strictly true, I can hear my alarm in the morning, but they do drown out all sorts.

Eyemask - I've got one called Mindfold which doesn't squish my eyelash extensions. (They are not big spidery Essex ones by the way, though I do live in Essex)

Superking sized bed - got this a couple of years ago, now I really hate going somewhere where we have to share a double. I may never go somewhere else again.

Separate duvets - a bit of a fag for making the bed, I just throw his single one in his cupboard, I have the superking one, lots of spare puff to mould around myself.

So all ensconced in my enormous duvet with total sensory deprivation, I have about 10 hours a night! I never get ill! I don't look my age! I am always in a good mood! Grin

Okay, so I'm sure its much more romantic being naked in a double bed breathing each others exhale and spooned together, but sod that, I've been married 15 years and can do without all that Grin

Thinking about it, when we have zee sex it tends to be downstairs, perhaps because he can't break through all that duvet and find me, and if he did I wouldn't be able to see or hear him?

Anyway. As you were.

PS:My one also does the crash the legs on the mattress thing from time to time, what is that all about? He's probably trying to see if I'm still alive, or just still asleep...

suzannecaravaggio · 15/03/2016 22:37

He won't entertain separate beds
of course not, he's not suffering, I detested sharing a bed and would never do it again

suzannecaravaggio · 15/03/2016 22:44

He is an very insecure man on some things
I'd say he views separate beds as the first stage of a slippery slope where you stop sacrificing your health and well-being for him, he realises that he is the person with the greatest need and therefore the smallest amount of power

madmomma · 15/03/2016 22:44

I feel you Op. Dh is a nightmare to sleep with due to sleep apnoea and loud snoring so we haven't slept together for years. Gave up trying. We've not suffered for it - we're still close and still have sex, so if it comes to separate beds don't think it's the beginning of the end. Sleep is sooo important!

mjmo0oseface · 15/03/2016 22:45

Separate beds was the best thing we ever did! I hate sharing a bed with anyone, why do we suddenly have to when we get married/move in with someone?!

We have our own individual space, but the beds are pushed together so it's like this giant triple bed thing! We have our own duvets and pillows so we each sleep soooo well and can meet in the middle for cuddles etc and then roll over on to our space!

I recommend it to anyone who struggles sharing a bed!!! Don't let the fact we are now separated detract from the fact that separate beds was amazing for our relationship, mental health and happiness levels! :)

Bloodybridget · 15/03/2016 22:48

I hate even sharing a bedroom! Which makes things difficult when we stay in other people's houses, as we are never offered, and can't very well ask for, separate rooms. Sleeping apart doesn't make me any less fond of DP.

suzannecaravaggio · 15/03/2016 22:49

for me it went
separate beds
separate rooms
separate houses
we are still together but once I had a taste of the peace, the perfect sleep, the lack of domestic work there was no going back

hollinhurst84 · 15/03/2016 22:50

It's odd really
Co sleep then move into "big bed as you're a grown up" then when you meet someone back to bed sharing
No thank you. Super king size to myself here

Postchildrenpregranny · 15/03/2016 22:53

Our cats do that pease

RandomMess · 15/03/2016 22:59

If you've got the room just get a single and put it in your bedroom - inexpensive to pick up 2nd hand.

You cuddle up in the double for a bit and then flounce off to the single to SLEEP...

We went for SKS from Ikea so it's actually 2 singles joined together plus single duvets I sleep so so so much better now.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 15/03/2016 23:04

I have to sleep with my back to Dh to avoid the breath in the face.

He is not allowed to touch me at all apart from limited sexy times.

I did wake up once at about 4am as the bed was vibrating to realise he was wanking in bed!!!!

suzannecaravaggio · 15/03/2016 23:16

I have never been able to tolerate any kind of contact while sleeping, never mind all that twitching/snoring/breathing urrrgghh

TheCatsFlaps · 15/03/2016 23:35

I did wake up once at about 4am as the bed was vibrating to realise he was wanking in bed!!!!

Did he...finish? Confused