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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate sharing a bed with dh

154 replies

NeedACleverNN · 15/03/2016 10:55

I love him to bits but seriously sometimes it's hard not to smother him in his sleep!

Despite knowing I like my space, he still ends up wiggling closer and closer to me, finally ending up trying to spoon me. He gets an elbow in the gut for that.

He has a bad habit of sleeping with his legs in the air, which then crash down on the bed.

I like sleeping with the duvet cacooned around me.

He lifts it slightly so there's a draft going down my back.

He literally turns into an 8 legged lead octopus when he's asleep. One limb everywhere and weighs a ton so I can't move him.

He manages to angle his head so he is breathing directly in my face Angry

It's all silly petty things I get that and at weekends he sleeps downstairs so I can get some proper rest, but I am not sleeping when he is bed.

He won't entertain separate beds.
He's worried that it's going to push us apart.

I'm worried I'm going to commit murder if I continue to lose sleep.

I'm waking up with a splitting headache and it makes me very irritable.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/03/2016 15:00

I have just been Googling the concepts of separate bedrooms and some statistics say that up to 40% of couples sleep separately.

Get yourself on Google OP and read all the articles, it will help you see that what you want to do is actually pretty normal. Show them to your DH too so he can see that sleeping separately is actually quite common and it isn't something that indicates a relationship is failing.

Out2pasture · 15/03/2016 15:04

King size beds and separate duvet.
Industrial ear plugs.
I agree with 1950's separate twin beds ( with the cute bedside table in between) ;)

TrueBlueYorkshire · 15/03/2016 15:17

You can get a king size bed that is actually two seperate beds, then al you need is seperate duvets.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/03/2016 15:21

That was a bit of a drip feed about why your husband thinks separate beds = splitting up given you don't have sex often. He is probably worrying your sex life is over.

Explain you feel if you slept better you would be happier, may be more amenable for sex, it would make it more romantic as you would be visiting his room (always his so you get the dry clean smelling bed..) and if it doesn't work you can rethink. If he is a decent and reasonable man he can't argue with that.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 15/03/2016 15:26

I will never share a bed with a man on a full time basis again
Should I ever take leave of my senses move in with a man again it's separate rooms or no fucking dice. I mean it. I'm happy to have sex multiple times a week but he can fuck off to let me sleep after. I used to do that with my ex and it was great.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 15/03/2016 15:29

Yes, sorry didn't mean to be a drip feeder but I had to defend his anxiety.

He is an very insecure man on some things but confident on others.

I'm a particular soft spot of his and he has always tried his best to make me as happy as he can

OP posts:
VikingLady · 15/03/2016 15:31

I don't know if this is allowed on MN, but we're getting a new super king sized bed, which means we need to get rid of our old one. It was given to us, so we'd rather pass it on than sell it. If you can get it from The NE it's yours.

BabyGanoush · 15/03/2016 15:33

pastapie is right

Superking and separate duvets are the solution, then a big bedspread on top of that, for cosiness and "one bed-feel" if required.

I think in Norway, Germany, the Netherlands and other pragmatic countries single duvets are standard, it's just the English and the French with their mistaken sense of romance Wink who suffer tiny beds and shared duvets.

Grin
OracleofDelphi · 15/03/2016 15:35

I think you need to practical about this. Either you need to sleep in separate rooms or get a bigger bed.

If he wont entertain separate rooms then you have to buy a bigger bed, really there are only two choices.

If you want a bigger super king bed you can buy a second hand one on sites like ebay for not much at all (dependent on how close you are geographically). There are some amazing sleigh bed and big metal framed ones going at the moment for for £40-60, so I would start considering looking for the frame there. There might not be one straight away so you will need to keep looking, but you will find one.

Then you need a mattress... if you think how much the stress is going to damage your marriage then I think £500 - £600 should be an investment. Again even if you have to save up etc. if it really is as bad as you say then you dont have an alternative...

DM has a gigantic super king bed and when DC go to stay with her they all have naps in there together in the afternoon - all 4 of them!

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 15/03/2016 15:46

Gosh viking thank you for your generosity but there is no way we could transport as we do not drive.

Please donate it to a women's shelter or sell it and treat yourselves instead X X

OP posts:
Spudlet · 15/03/2016 15:52

Start saving up for a bigger bed! Even if it takes ages, at least you're bein proactive. I love sharing a bed with DH but no doubt, we both sleep a bit better in bigger beds. It's not enough of an issue to do anything about (for us) but when the time comes for a new bed, I'm sure we'll upsize then.

I can see his point on separate rooms as I would be sad not to wake up with DH, but a bigger bed may help. You could even look for a guest bed where one half pulls out from under the other. The parents have one, both halves have good single mattresses and it makes for one huge bed, lots of personal space and might help with the leg waving issue as well? There's sort of a ridge in the centre where the matresses meet, which might encourage him to keep to his own side too.

NewLife4Me · 15/03/2016 15:53

We both snore so when dd is at school I use her bed so we both get a good nights sleep.

We have to share other times as we don't have a spare room, if it's really bad one of us will use bed settee downstairs.

We love each other dearly, have a great close relationship, and lots of sex.
You don't need to sleep in the same room.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 15/03/2016 15:54

In the past bedsharing was not just a married thing - children shared beds all the time, with siblings and at boarding schools, etc. guests would pile into bed and bunking up was common.

Now (in this culture at least) privacy seems to be more valued than cosiness (is this to do with central heating and good nutrition?) and so it feels weird and uncomfortable to share a bed with someone you are not married to. Well actually I would say that probably sharing a bed with someone you are married to can be weird and uncomfortable as well! - in this culture.

don't forget that we get very short hours for sleep nowadays (artificial light, long working days etc) so each hour of potential rest is much more precious than if you were spending 12 hours in bed, 7 - 7, which people without electric lights may well have been

busyboysmum · 15/03/2016 16:18

I have a sleeping disorder and dh snores so we have had separate beds for ever. Still got 3 kids though Wink

Seriously you're more likely to get on well in the daytime if you have had a great night's sleep.

busyboysmum · 15/03/2016 16:20

We bought our as new super king sized bed off eBay for £50. It has 2 single mattresses which zip together. You don't need to break the bank.

ErnesttheBavarian · 15/03/2016 18:31

If you can't afford a sk bed (and I bet you could find an affordable one) then get 2 singles. You could always pull them about a foot apart to train him not to thrash onto your side, a bit like a toddle learning to manage without a bed guard. Then you could push them together. Hey presto sk bed and no nocturnal disturbances. And if he gets lively again just pull them apart again.

Having a disturbed nights sleep every night is going to have a significant impact on your health. You need to take action and find a solution that works for both. I think 2 singles and 2 duvets fixed the problem really easily.

MrsBobDylan · 15/03/2016 19:03

I had this until ds3 decided he was too good to sleep in a cot and wanted 3/4 of a double bed instead.

Now, dh sleeps in a child's bed while I have exactly the same problem as I had before, only cuter.

I'd go for single beds in the same room if I could.

Dumptrunks · 15/03/2016 19:50

So glad I'm not alone! We take in turns to sleep on the sofa at the mo, as his snoring is unbearable, I can hear it through earplugs and a pillow over my ears, it vibrates through the mattress. Soooo can't wait to move to a bigger place so that I can have my own room. It runs in the family, my dd is also a snorer, we went away for the weekend for dp's birthday and had to share a room, needless to say I didn't get much sleep, they were snoring in tandem! Angry

Maudofallhopefulness · 15/03/2016 20:10

I kick DH out to the spare room for snoring. If we share our bed he annoys me so I end up on a camp bed in the DCs room (I hate the spare room).

My sleep deprivation is beginning to show in my face. I'm aging rapidly.

auntymeme · 15/03/2016 20:41

I understand your pain dp is a pain in the neck. if i move an inch hes straight over on my side of the bed. right up in my face and snores right in my ear, it annoys me so much Angry but i m not allowed to complain to much at him, i tend to wriggle a bit in my sleep so far in the past 4 weeks i have "accidently"(his words being sarcastic) kicked him in the manly area 000ps Grin . i do feel your pain

emwithme · 15/03/2016 20:44

We have a super king bed and a double duvet each. It's fucking fabulous. I tend towards insomnia, and DH snores like a jackhammer but since we've had this (a month) then we've both slept all night, every night, which is unheard of.

We've got the Malm from Ikea, which starts at £240 (although ours was more because we went for the one with storage boxes) but you can get the Brimnes in a superking at only £149. We have the Hyllestad mattress which was £350 but you can get the Hovag for £300, so you can get a brand new super king bed for less than £450 - or there's this from Argos, on offer for £399.99 (and a further 20% off if you use the code FURNSAVE so that would mean it cost £320)

Wheresmybippers · 15/03/2016 20:47

Dh and I sleep in separate bedrooms and have since we got a 2 bedroom house. We also feared one of us would commit murder. We got a super king after our honeymoon (we managed to sleep together there!) but still couldn't do it at home. I now sleep in it with dd and dh has his own room. I fully expect to be sleeping with 2 dc in here next year. He will still have his own room Grin

Wheresmybippers · 15/03/2016 20:47

Also! We only spent about 350 quid on the bed and mattress and it's lovely!!

VoldysGoneMouldy · 15/03/2016 20:55

OP I do understand what it is like to be supporting someone with anxiety, but you cannot continue to sacrifice your sleep - and your sanity - because you're worried about upsetting him, or triggering his worries.

Silvercatowner · 15/03/2016 21:00

I have my own bedroom (with ensuite). We always start off in the same bed but then I go to my own room to sleep. Husband is a crap sleeper, he snores and talks in his sleep. I sleep well on my own. We've been married 30 years, he is my soul mate and our sex life is as good as it has always been.

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