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Original poster

Would you/has anyone send their parents to care home

129 replies

Fabmum24 · 14/03/2016 16:03

The reason I ask is I'm a mum, and spend my entire day running after them, so I'm thinking my mum did the same for all of us and never complained, and now that she needs us, should we send her on her own to be looked after by strangers. What would you do or have done, I appreciate it.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 14/03/2016 22:02

The reminds me of a resident that I looked after. I had known her when she was well, so it was a bit of a shock when she was admitted with dementia.

Her son and DIL visited when I was on duty once she had been there for couple of weeks. They were told I was normally on night duty and asked about mum and her behaviour at night. I explained that she normally went to bed fairly well, woke a couple of times but when reminded of the time and shown the dark sky outside, she would settle quickly.

The DIL, with tears in her eyes, asked 'How can you cope and we couldn't, I feel so guilty'.

I explained there was a world of difference between me doing my 11 hour night shift, then going home to bed, albeit after doing the school run, and them dealing with her at night, with a couple of wakings, then all day, then at night again.....and on and on and on, in a seemingly never ending cycle!

This is why people 'send their parents to a care home'.

'This too will pass' works well through babyhood and toddlerhood, but not so much in the care of someone with dementia!

londonrach · 14/03/2016 22:07

As someone who visits patients in nursing homes and in their own homes i can see major benefits of the nursing home. Ive seen lonely frail people struggling on their own in their own house unsure which carers are coming in that day change to active sociable people enjoying the full list of activities the home organised. Each person, home is different so it really depends on what best for the person. One home i visited they were making patchwork quilts in one room, an active game of wii tennis in another and someone was organising bingo whilst those not feeling sociable were in their own rooms doing what they wanted with doors open so people were popping in and out if they wanted company and doors shut if not. Felt like a uni hall with so much going on. The pat dog came in when i left.

Butteredparsnips · 14/03/2016 22:25

Would you/has anyone send their parents to care home

No I wouldn't "send" them.

OTOH I have supported DM to move to a carefully selected and bloody expensive care home; chosen to meet her needs, after it became unsafe for her to remain at home. Because I can't actually look after her 24/7 when I live 2 hours away and have 3 DC of my own and a full time job.

QuerkyJo · 14/03/2016 22:31

I think your opening post could have been written more sensitively. "Send them away to be cared for by strangers"

In my vast experience the people in care homes all have, a son, a daughter, husband, wife or other relative, who has spent years trying to avoid just that. Read the "elderly parents threads" and you will see so many people drive miles to care for relatives. Neglecting their own families, neglecting their health and putting their life on hold.

Often it is not possible to move a frail person, with sickness or mental health problems into a family home which is not adapted to their needs. The noise of children, the fact that often the elder person needs 24 hour care, and intense nursing care. Nor can you just abandon your family or your work to live with your relative.

Some people that have responded to you,fabmum have parents in the last stages of their life and that is why they have posted the way they have.

Many of strangers you refer to, are dedicated hard working men and women who are devoting the life to caring for our relatives. You would be surprised how many of this wonderful kind people, become friends to those I. The care.

Had my mum not been taken in to care, she would have died of neglect when my step father was too sick to care for her. Fortunately she lived a happily for 5 years in the home. Her Alzheimer's was so severe, but her physical health improved enormously, once she started to receive regular meds.

She died at the end of the year and many of the broken hearted care staff came to say a last goodbye, both at the hospital and the funeral.

QuerkyJo · 14/03/2016 22:33

Sorry got a bit emotional there. That should read at the end of last year.

QOD · 14/03/2016 22:35

Both my in laws went into homes

FIL had a stroke and became a wanderer. He'd climb over anything infront of him, inxluding a dining table

Mil was just ... i don't know. It was like her mind was a washing machine
Oh hello!!! How are you? There's some nice ham in the fridge if you want a sandwixh?

She said that 7 times in half an hour once.
I defy anyone to.live with that and work

ICantFindAFreeNickName2 · 14/03/2016 22:42

My DM has dementia. DP & I have both said that if we get it, we want to book one way tickets to Switzerland.
I believe that so many 40/50 year olds are now struggling with parents with dementia and don't want to go down that route themselves, that there will be a big push for assisted suicide to become legal

Original poster
Fabmum24 · 14/03/2016 22:48

Thank you all for your replies, I do apologise if my post came as insensitive, I only meant "to be looked after by strangers" with all old age disease concerning memory sometimes not even knowing her own family that it might make situation more frightening for her. Thanks all for sharing it's given me an insight of what's to come and hope we make the right choice.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 14/03/2016 22:50

There's no right choice. There's just the choice you make.

Butteredparsnips · 14/03/2016 23:01

Would you rather your DM was left to wander the streets in her nightie or 'looked after by strangers" ?

Topseyt · 15/03/2016 00:21

I'd have to get them into one. I know they wouldn't want to be a burden and I doubt very much that they would be comfortable if I took over their personal hygiene.

It isn't a thought I relish, but I just wouldn't be able to cater for increasingly complex needs 24/7.

These are decisions which are agonised over, never taken lightly.

greypinkandpurple · 15/03/2016 06:26

My friend father spend his last ten years in care home
From my knowledge it wasn't an easy desision at first

He didn't have dementia

He was happy there ,made many friends was playing in local band ,those wonderful people and doctors who care for him save his life so many times in different circumstances he wouldn't survive another heart attack. ...
The way friend 's father spoke about people working there he was grateful for their hard work and heart those people put in to their job

VulcanWoman · 15/03/2016 07:52

There's no right choice. There's just the choice you make. I agree.

Andrewofgg · 15/03/2016 09:12

My sweet lord but how lucky I have been.

DM died at 70, far too young, but of a massive heart attack out of the blue and at home. Six years later DSF, by then 79, took a fifteen mile walk one day and the next morning he was loading his washing machine when he had a stroke and collapsed unconscious on the concrete floor. By the time his son found him he had pneumonia and the medics gave us the humane option of withholding antibiotics and letting him go in peace.

I just hope DW and I can be so lucky and spare DS the horrors of the alternative.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/03/2016 09:51

You see, Andrew, you speak of the horrors. My 90 year old uncle genuinely seems to be happy in his care home. He is friends with three other old boys (which he definitely wouldn't have had had he stayed in his house) and is well looked after by kind people. I don't think he wishes he was dead at all! I think he is enjoying his final years quite comfortably. His house was sold and pays for his care, lucky him. Both of his daughters work full time, one lives more than an hours drive away the other lives in the US! I don't think his circumstances are horrific at all. Of course the key is the home itself.

Andrewofgg · 15/03/2016 10:23

By the horrors I mean having to make the decision - I know it can turn out well. MIL's last months in her care home were not too bad but DW and her brothers found it hard to do. They felt they were letting her down. I feel lucky that I never had to make that decision.

DoctorDonnaNoble · 15/03/2016 10:26

We had to get DMIL to realise that DFIL needed to go into a care home. He has a form of dementia and she had terminal cancer at the time and couldn't cope. I realised this needed to happen before DH was ready to and it took a long time. He's where he needs to be. We all work and he is now a risk to himself (think police helicopter having to be called to find him in the middle of winter). There is a time for the professionals to take over.

CruCru · 15/03/2016 15:03

I do know someone whose husband has gone into a care home. Being his carer was totally exhausting and she's now just too frail to do it any more.

The thing with being a carer is, it is completely relentless. Plus you (often) don't get many offers of help because it is just so relentless - people don't want to get sucked in.

A great care home is a great thing.

Alexa444 · 15/03/2016 15:32

My nan had to go into warden assisted residence and she actually loved it. They had xmas parties and bingo nights and all sorts. She even met a fella. My mum has made me promise that I will put her in a care home rather than spend my life caring for her. She feels pretty strongly about it so I can't see having much say in the matter.

RedOnHerHedd · 15/03/2016 15:43

There is a massive difference in shutting them away because you can't be bothered to support them, and them needing proper nursing care 24/7.

And to be quite honest, it's not as simple as just putting them in a home. There are HUGE waiting lists and they're more likely to have home carers first.

My grandfather needs 24hr nursing care, something I can't provide while I have two young children.

Yes, he brought me up, and I've looked after him for as long as I can, but I can't be with him 24hrs a day.

He's now in hospital because of falls and is now unable to walk, eat or drink without assistance. Requires extensive personal care regarding washing and toileting needs and needs equipment to mobilise.

As other posters have said, you can only do so much.

Also, residential and nursing homes are not what they used to be. Social interaction is very important and they get this in a home. They have shows, tv, friends, it's like a holiday for them. Staff get them up dancing and they are happy there.

My grandfather is on a waiting list for the home that he had respite in a few months back, and I know 100% that he will be looked after very well.

Yes there are stories that you see about neglect, but thankfully they are few and far between. There should be more publication about the homes that ARE fantastic, and I'm lucky enough to have seen a few that are really really amazing with staff that deserve much higher pay. The staff I have witnessed are an absolute credit to the care industry and I couldn't thank them enough for all they do.

cleaty · 15/03/2016 15:43

I intend to look after my mum myself.

However my father has dementia and his difficult personality is getting worse. He is at home, but no I would not look after him. It would be hellish.

I wouldn't look after my FIL either (MIL died very suddenly so didn't need care). My DP can barely stand being in the same room as my FIL for a short visit.

cleaty · 15/03/2016 15:45

And sorry, I don't think there are many good care homes. Lots with decent bedrooms and furniture, but they are still institutions with low paid and poorly trained carers.

RedOnHerHedd · 15/03/2016 15:47

And fwiw, I wouldn't want my children to look after me when I'm old, I'd much rather going into a home.

I don't mine cleaning my grandad when he's had an accident, but I wouldn't want my children doing that for me. I wouldn't want to put that burden on them.

aquashiv · 15/03/2016 16:01

My Mum lives overseas and a couple of years she was very ill, we really thought that was it for her. My Dad couldn't look after her, so she went to a care home. Which was the best thing we could have done. The care was amazing so much so she made a great recovery after initially being told she had dementia she is now back home and is doing well. I woulld never have been ever to give her the sort of care she received there do the activities she did provide the OT support she needed or be able to give my Dad the respite he needed. You need to make a decision on the care home as some are shocking also.

DoctorDonnaNoble · 15/03/2016 16:10

Cleaty, I KNOW we did the right thing for DFIL. It gave DMIL a break and she got to enjoy the first month of my son's life. She died, in a hospice (again, because she needed care we could not provide) when he was 2 months old.
DFIL had become delusional and violent. He was sectioned for a time. I resent the implication we've done something wrong. We haven't.