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AIBU?

Would you/has anyone send their parents to care home

129 replies

Fabmum24 · 14/03/2016 16:03

The reason I ask is I'm a mum, and spend my entire day running after them, so I'm thinking my mum did the same for all of us and never complained, and now that she needs us, should we send her on her own to be looked after by strangers. What would you do or have done, I appreciate it.

OP posts:
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bibbitybobbityyhat · 14/03/2016 17:09

I fully expect to end my days in a nursing home (if I am lucky enough to get that far). It is selfish to expect family to take on the full time care of a dependent elderly relative. I wish there wasn't so much stigma and fear surrounding care homes. I will be spending my dc's inheritance on the best one I can possibly afford Grin.

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MorrisZapp · 14/03/2016 17:09

My gran is in a care home, it's the only practical solution. This is the reality of the human ageing process.

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HermioneJeanGranger · 14/03/2016 17:10

Three of my grandparents ended up in nursing homes. All their children worked/lived far away and nobody could commit the time to looking after them 24/7.

My parents will probably end up in homes if they can no longer live independently. They're six hours away (their choice) and DP and I certainly don't have the space or money to have them live with us, nor can we move closer to them due to work/DSC.

It's not an easy decision but they wouldn't WANT to live with me unless I could care for them without struggling myself. Which as it stands, is impossible. I have no spare room at all, let alone spare money to get anywhere bigger!

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EllenJanethickerknickers · 14/03/2016 17:13

My mum went into a specialist dementia care home after three years of daily care workers coming in twice a day (for barely 10 mins!) and then 8 months living with my DB and SIL, who both took early retirement so they could look after her. Her physical health deteriorated so much in that 8 months that my DB and SIL could no longer cope. She died after a week in the care home. Sad But it made those final few days so much easier as she had nursing staff on hand and as she died with a doctor present there was no need for an inquest. And my DB didn't have to deal with finding her dead in their house.

My mum always professed to hate the idea of 'being put in a home' but her dementia was so severe at the end that she didn't know it was her DS looking after her, or where she was, so may as well have been in a care home.

I have told my DSs to put me in a home sooner rather than later as I'd enjoy the company!

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shebird · 14/03/2016 17:14

We had a relative with dementia come to live with us for a while when I was growing up. The rest of the family were totally against her going in a home but equally didn't want to be involved in her care. It was incredibly stressful for my parents who worked full time and on us as children. I even had to help her to the toilet if my parents were out Shock

I remember my DM saying back then not to do this for her or my dad when they get old the burden on a family is too much.

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motherinferior · 14/03/2016 17:17

I'll probably be sitting next to bibbity, passing the gin and cackling.Smile

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glamorousgrandmother · 14/03/2016 17:19

My Mum went into a care home for the last 18 months of her life. She had dementia and was doubly incontinent and violent, she wouldn't let any care workers into the house and was very sore due to the incontinence (wouldn't let anyone clean her up). She had also stopped eating with no other medical reason for this. My dad was reluctant as he had promised never to let her go into a home but eventually relented when it was just too much for him. She went in on December 18th after a hospital stay and the Consultant said she probably wouldn't see the New Year - she lived for another year and a half. She was still violent at times but because of the kindness and professionalism of one staff member in particular she started eating again and was, at least, kept clean.

I would advise against promising you would never let someone go into a care home as you never really understand how bad things can get until it happens.

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bibbitybobbityyhat · 14/03/2016 17:19

Grin you'll have to save my seat from interlopers when I pop out for a cigarette as I plan to take up smoking again after the age of 85.

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cocochanel21 · 14/03/2016 17:22

Yes my mum's in a care home she has dementia.

It was the hardest decision we had to make. She couldn't stay on her own anymore we used to take turns staying with her and in the end that didn't work either.
She doesn't know us now in a way it's easier to deal with because she seems happy in her own world.
Before she used to cry when we left which was horrendous for everyone involved.
Always said my mum wouldn't end up in a care home but that was before dementia. Still feel guilty about it but she needs 24 care. She been there 3 years now.

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expatinscotland · 14/03/2016 17:22

My mother has already asked us to put her in one if she gets too frail to cope with. I hope she dies before that. So does she. Not always a choice, sadly.

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intravenouscoffee · 14/03/2016 17:26

I am a nurse and have worked in care homes. I have helped to choose residential care for 2 relatives when their health deteriorated (one with dementia, one without).

I would not care for a relative myself and I wouldn't want my children to care for me. In both cases the relative lived much longer than was originally anticipated and saw a significant deterioration in their condition. I think often when people used to care for relatives at home they were either in quite good health or they had a short illness. Old age is much more medicalised these days and the commitment is huge. I wouldn't do it.

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hesterton · 14/03/2016 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeylulu · 14/03/2016 17:35

Please don't feel that going into care is a bad thing or a cowards option. Sometimes it really is the best thing for the person to have their needs met. You still see the person and love them but it's such a relief to know they are being looked after in a way you may not be able to manage.
We've been through this twice. My grandmother had poor mobility, was almost blind and in the early stages of dementia when my grandfather (younger and seemingly fit as a fiddle) died suddenly. She firstly refused to leave the house even though she managed terribly and my mum had to go and stay with her despite having a home, husband and job elsewhere. She was adamant she wasn't going to go into a care home but agreed to move to sheltered accommodation. She couldn't really manage there either and was incredibly lonely which seemed to rapidly accelerate her dementia. It was only when she had a hospital stay which revealed to ss how incapable she had become that she was moved to a (very nice) care home against her will. She was surprised to find that she loved it and said several times that she wished she'd moved there earlier. She was much more contented in her last couple of years. My mum still beats herself up about it, wishing it could have been done differently but it was so so hard to do the right thing and try and take gmas wishes into account too.
Fast forward a few years and my poor widowed FIL diagnosed with alzheimers. We helped him manage in his own home as long as possible, moved him near us (5 mins down the road) had daily carers going in every day. He insisted that he wasn't "going in the loony bin" as he referred to care homes but it got to a point where he was wandering day and night, nearly being hit by cars crossing the dual carriageway, forgetting where he lived, setting fire to his kitchen by putting electric kettle on the hob etc that the police referred him to ss and took the decision out of our hands and moved him to a home (one that wouldn't necessarily have been the first choice). He did perk up for a few months - he's very physically fit and well and part of his agitation was boredom and solitude. And obviously it was a huge weight off or minds to know he was safe and cared for. My husband felt bad we hadn't had him to live with us but as we were both at work all day and didn't have a spare room, that wouldn't have been possible. He's now so deteriorated though that he would have ended up in care anywhere. Poor man. I wouldn't wish dementia on my worst enemy, horrible horrible illness.

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rumbleinthrjungle · 14/03/2016 17:36

Three of my GPs went into care homes. Two because their physical nursing needs required professional care 24 hours a day and they weren't safe in their family home environment even with daily carers coming in to help, one through choice when he got fed up running his home but still wanted to have his own room and be independent in a way he could not have been if he moved into any of his family's homes. It felt like failure at first with the first two who went in fairly close together - giving up on them. However with both of them there was a big improvement within a few days, they were much happier than they'd been at home. There were people around to talk to 24 hours a day, there was a routine, there was company of people their own age and they both were sociable people who made friendship groups among other residents, there were things going on, events, the hairdresser dropping in, the social life was busy. They had both been depressed, withdrawn and confused at home, both of their homes - bless the staff who were marvellous - gave them a new lease and quality of life and one had a further good eight years I don't think she would have had.

My GF was an independent man who had still been running his own home at 95 and didn't want to live around another family's needs. He chose his room, he took his own furniture, he again liked the social life and ordering dinner from the daily menu and staff dropping in through the night to chat and share a cup of tea as he was often awake and bored then. He loved that they had hoists and he got to have a proper deep bath again! He also didn't have any guilt about pressing the button to call for help whereas when he lived at home a couple of times he lay on the floor for several hours after a fall until dawn as he didn't want a family member to lose sleep coming to help him.

Nothing but thankfulness for all three places they lived and I went from feeling like I'd failed to thinking actually from their pov it offered them a better quality of life and opportunities. My DM has already informed me that's what she wants if she can't live safely at home any more - she's a sociable person too, she'd go mad living with me!

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TheFallenMadonna · 14/03/2016 17:36

My mum looked after my grandad until he needed somebody awake 24 hours a day for his own safety. That she could not manage.

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hesterton · 14/03/2016 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steff13 · 14/03/2016 17:42

We put my mom into a long-term care facility before she passed away. She had terminal cancer, it had spread to her brain and her bones, she was incontinent, she was in a wheelchair, she couldn't do anything for herself. I was 24, had a newborn, a toddler, and a fulltime job. My brother and SIL had an infant and both had fulltime jobs. She needed 24-hour care, and we just couldn't provide it. She went into the facility in November, just before Thanksgiving, and she died on December 15, so it wasn't even a month that she was there.

My grandmother put herself in an assisted living facility when her husband passed away, and she felt like she didn't want to live on her own anymore. She picked the place out herself, and when she required more care, they moved her to different parts of the facility to accommodate her.

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MeMySonAndl · 14/03/2016 17:43

People are living much longer than in the past, and as such, they have more health problems that are easier to monitor in a nursing home. it is a though decision but most times it's for their own good. I remember my ex agonising over the decision to send grandma to a home, but I think she was happier there: she had company 24/7, activities to attend, the food was much better than what the carers coukd arrange at her home in the short visits, accidents were more quickly dealt with, etc.

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MeMySonAndl · 14/03/2016 17:46

Having said that... I a mum too, and the last thing that I would like is to be a burden to DS. If there is no quality of life and I have already lost my mind to alzheimers, I much rather want to be allowed to depart this world in a dignified way than be saved and saved again just to make my life longer.

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TheCrumpettyTree · 14/03/2016 18:08

My grandfather has dementia and still lives at home, just, with the help of carers and his grown up children. But it's increasingly hard work as he gradually deteriorates. It's not just getting old, are you wanting to be a full time carer? Give up your job, your life and compromise on your life with your family. The constant trips to the GP and hospital, sorting out and giving medication, potentially washing dressing, changing pads or cleaning the up after they've been to the toilet. Hoisting in and out of bed and chairs. It can be full nursing care. In which case yes a home is an appropriate place. I wouldn't want my children to have to do all that for me.

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NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 14/03/2016 18:17

It's not as black and white as cared for by family good, in a home bad.

A good care home has the trained staff, equipment and medical support that many people need. Trying to look after elderly parents, young children, juggle a job and maintain a marriage is hard. Really hard. And as the elderly person ages they are likely to deteriorate and their needs become harder to manage at home.

I don't imagine many people take the decision lightly, and that most people do want the best for their family whether that's family care at home or professional care in a residential care home. It will depend on the situation of the carers as well as the needs of the cared-for.

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StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 14/03/2016 18:20

worst thing I ever went through was seeing my mum go into a care home, the only thing that helped was that she went from hospital and was told it was a temporary respite home until she could cope at home alone again. the staff were great, she was very well cared for but she went downhill rapidly and died after 5 months in there. I know it was the best place for her, but the guilt is awful, I know her worst fear was going into a home. the saving grace is really that she did believe it was only because she was not very well and would go home when she was better. I lived a 7 hour drive away but spent the last 2 weeks of her life sat by her side every day, she barely knew where she was Sad I witnessed how caring the staff were but I am still traumatised by the whole experience, I wish so much that I could have taken her home at least once before she died, or even to have her home to die but she needed the care I would not have been able to provide for her.

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Waitingfordolly · 14/03/2016 18:26

I did some research on older people and loneliness and we found that there were a lot of people whose families wanted to look after them (who they lived with) but often the families were out during the day and the older person left on their own so they felt isolated and like they couldn't go anywhere else for support because their families wanted to sort it out themselves rather than feeling they were letting their older relative down by getting care elsewhere. There's also a lot of loneliness in residential care though so it's important to get that right too.

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Waitingfordolly · 14/03/2016 18:29

On a personal level I am facing this too potentially with increasingly frail parents, and the times I've spent running backwards and forwards in a crisis has taken its toll on DD as I am a lone parent, and as she has to be my priority and as I have a business to run I would probably choose some form of residential care if I had to.

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LineyReborn · 14/03/2016 18:32

Morris refers to 'the reality of the human ageing process'.

I agree. Unless you've been there, seen it, lived it, you have no idea. No-one takes any decision lightly in these contexts. But one thing I do know - everyone's fucking exhausted by the end. Flowers

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