Would you/has anyone send their parents to care home

[Fabmum24]

The reason I ask is I'm a mum, and spend my entire day running after them, so I'm thinking my mum did the same for all of us and never complained, and now that she needs us, should we send her on her own to be looked after by strangers. What would you do or have done, I appreciate it.

[Helenluvsrob]

Gee thanks op.

My mum died a year ago. My dad has dementia and at that point was mobile ( but not necessarily safe, I suspect he fell a lot more than mum ever let on ). He needed an eye keeping day and night incase he fell and general " looking after " help sorting clothes / dressing. He couldn't get himself a glass of water let alone make a cup of tea. When he was mobile he was up/ down and fiddling with stuff as he had lost the ability to sit andpaint or watch tv . The tv was always " broken " I've the settings were scrambled or it was unplugged. Other devices were the same.

I have what amounts to a full time job and live in a house with steep stairs- even when they came up stay with us a few years ago I put up the baby gate to stop him taking a wrong turn at night.

He was ( and still is) amiable with no issues about being looked after ( well except when mum was doing it - he could be a bit irritable then). He had socially appropriate behaviour and reflex type speach ( eg " it's been lovely to see you" got the reply " do come again" whether it was me or the district nurse , and cake was always " very nice, the best ever").

I couldn't just give my job up to be with him full time. I'm clearly , from your post a " bad daughter". He was a bloody magnificent father and I can't chase him 24hrs a day as gelid for me when I was 2? That's terrible.

But no, I can't cope with personal care. Wiping your 92yr old fathers arse is not the same as him doing it for you at 2yrs.

So yes , I've " sent him away to a care home" ....

He gets care that varies from good to excellent but has never been less than " good enough" how do I know ? Because up till the last 4 weeks I visited him at least 3x week and took him out once or twice. Never announced my visits , just turned up - apart from wearing his lunch at times - which at least meant he had eaten recently and fed himself he was always pretty much ready to take out.

Now he's on a down hill slide. I've been in and out at all hours, slept on his floor to stop him falling out if bed, sat beside him as he snores etc. He hasn't a scooby who I am but I like to see him. His carers love him and actually are more upset than I am that we have him on an end of life plan .

But I " sent him away to a care home " ....

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Oh honestly, no need to be oversensitive about op's thread title! She has the same dilemma as the rest of us, don't jump down her throat for a slightly clunky turn of phrase.

[mycatsloveeachother]

I would FAR rather my children plonked me in a care home than sacrificed their own lives for mine.

Better yet I hope they send me to Switzerland.

[TeenAndTween]

My FIL was in a care home for his last 18 months or so. He had dementia and bowel cancer and MIL could not care for him. Carers have the advantage of not being so emotionally involved. They work in shifts and get breaks. Taking on the care yourself for someone with high needs is a very big ask.

Conversely my GM lived to be 100 and stayed in her own home. She had been widowed for 40 years and was used to being on her own. But again for her last 18 months she had a live in carer. They came for 3 weeks and rotated out and someone else came. About 4 or 5 in all. They looked after her, and allowed by DM to be a 'daughter' (who visited practically everyday) and not a carer. Cost about the same as a care home, but also had the costs of maintaining her own home, food, bills etc.

tbh I think it is on a par with the SAH/WOH & breast/bottle debates. There is no single right or wrong thing to do. You choose the best for the family under the circumstances you find yourself in.

[DustyMaiden]

I cared for my Mil for 10 years, she had Alzheimer's, it was my wish that I would care for her until the day she died. She passed two months ago.

I always knew there was a chance I wouldn't cope until the end. It was incredible hard physically and mentally. I was lucky that I do not need to work for financial reasons.

I would never judge anyone who had to take that decision, I don't think you can understand now bad it can get until you have been there.

[PuntasticUsername]

My DGM lived with my DParents for several years. However, her dementia and continence then worsened, they couldn't keep her out of the cooking sherry and just generally, couldn't keep her safe or give her the level of physical care she needed by that stage.

It nearly killed my mum to let her go, but it was the right thing to do. It would have worn my poor mum out entirely to have kept her at home any longer. But as pp show, for most of us this is generally a difficult and emotional decision nevertheless. to everyone coping with these issues.

[vladthedisorganised]

I came very close to sending DF to a care home last year.
At the time, he displayed quite severe dementia, a tendency to wander off and have very vivid hallucinations. He was mobile - sort of - but had some physical limitations. Left to his own devices he might wander off anywhere, was freaked out by his hallucinations, drank heavily and didn't eat.

Before he was hospitalised I had a month of absolute hell where I was essentially living with him and trying to work out what was up. He fell frequently - he's bigger than me and I can't lift him. He drank heavily and was quite capable of wandering down the road if my back was turned; and I can't drag him back or physically stop him. In his lucid moments he'd (quite reasonably) want to shower himself and I'd be sitting outside praying that he didn't fall while he did. And most of the time, he had no idea who the hell I was, where the hell he was or what on earth he was doing. I couldn't let DD see him as they terrified each other. I'd go home once he was asleep at night and hope he'd be alive/in the house when I went back in the morning.

Mercifully and miraculously, his doctors have been able to manage the hallucinatory part and memory loss/absence through drugs and he is now able to live independently with some adaptation for the physical bit.

I'm able to keep an eye on things without being there 24/7; and he is adamant that if and when it gets like that again and stops being treatable - which is likely to come at some point - he wants to be somewhere where he can be looked after appropriately and where I can visit. Being in someone else's house with a young child dotting about won't be that place; something I spent a long time explaining to people who looked at the person that shooed me away, clearly distressed at my being there, and said "but wouldn't you just be so much happier if he lived with you??"

Emotionally he's my dad and I wish I could say I know I'd look after him to the end - but these days I know my limitations, and it's a bit more complicated than that.

[LightDrizzle]

I can imagine a situation where I would. My mum has always said that she would hate to have me caring for her when she is old, she doesn't mean spending time with her, but doing personal and physical care. I can understand that myself. She now is old and increasingly frail, she wants to remain independent in her house and fortunately, that can probably be managed by increasing levels of domiciliary care and funding it through her savings and then through equity release on the house. However if her needs became such that her vast, rambling and frankly chaotic house was a danger, I would look for a residential care home for her. Again, luckily, finances are such that she could go to the best available as her house would sell for around a million, perhaps more.

If the only care home option was grim due to financial constraints, I'd try very hard to persuade her to live with us with agency care workers providing intimate care. Mum is very independent and proud. I sincerely hope she can stay safely in her house but I am increasingly worried about this very issue, in fact I have given my notice at work to be able to help out during the week. She has at last accepted a cleaner that I virtually had to force upon her.

I don't judge people with family in residential care, except for those who don't visit when there is no good reason why they can't.

[Gutterflower]

My Gramp went from being an independent 81 year old to having to go into a home in 3 months. He fell and broke his hip and because of complications under anaesthetic developed vascular dementia. There's no way he could have gone home, in a way the choice was kind of taken from us because of how bad he was. I cried the rain when he first went in but we visited every day and He received the best care. His home was fantastic!

[CaptainCrunch]

Dad was an alcoholic and mum had dementia. They were a danger to themselves and others. My dc were 8 and 4 and I was run ragged trying to keep them safe. It's not fair for anyone to say "I would never put my parents in a home" cause you really have no idea what you're possibly facing in the future.

[CocktailQueen]

Op, you sound quite young and judgemental.

Are you in this situation, or are you just asking to make others, who gave been in this situation, feel guilty? Are you coming back to your thread?

It's not as simple as 'oh, I can't be bothered to look after mum now; I'll send her to a care home.' There are dozens of things to consider first.

[VulcanWoman]

The only people that send you on a guilt are the one's that have none or little dealings with dementia. I've told my son if I need to go into a care home then so be it and told him not to feel guilty either. Boils my piss when I hear people telling their children not to put them in a care home, it's just selfish.

[VulcanWoman]

• guilt trip.

[SignoraStronza]

The only child of one of dmil's family members has given up her career to care for her parents in their own home. The mother was of sound mind but ill health and has recently died, the father has severe dementia but in physically good health.
He has to be constantly reminded to eat/drink each mouthful and a state of high alert is needed in case he forgets to go to the toilet on the toilet, wanders out of the house and into the river or falls out of bed during the night etc etc. It is absolutely exhausting for the carer, who's only respite is the odd bit of 'babysitting' from my dmil (thankfully of a nursing background).
When my dmil loses more of her marbles, she had already decided to take herself off on a long walk on the moors on a cold day.
Heartbreaking, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If dementia patients end up in hospital they are likely to slip away with 'old man's friend' (pneumonia). The staff are busy, they never receive adequate nutrition (no-one to remind them to eat) and secondary infections are common. If they have their physical needs met, they will carry on existing in a state of agitation and confusion. I know which one I would prefer.

[VulcanWoman]

she had already decided to take herself off on a long walk on the moors on a cold day. This is similar to my plan, the thing is it can only work if you have time to plan it, my mum went from being able to care for herself to not being able to care for herself within two weeks. I hope I have time to plan, I don't want my son going through what I'm going through now.

[wallywobbles]

My dear step mum missed out on her DGC because she was caring 20/7 for my dad. It's aged her terribly. Happily she has a lovely boyfriend now and she'll be 80 this year.

We were talking about this this evening. I'd rather spend my money looking after me and not give it my kids; if it means my kids have to spend 10+ years looking after me. What price an inheritance?

[Corygal1]

Of course, yes.

A lot of old people cheer up like mad when they're looked after - well, waited on hand and foot - have company 24/7 and don't have to make any effort looking after themselves and their home. It's a huge relief. My great aunt loved it, lived far longer than she would have done at home, and died in peace and happy.

People think that homes sound unappealing but the alternative is no joke, particularly not if you're old and ill. Struggling to cope is awful and frightening. And most places are now much closer to hotels than any other arrangement there is out there.

Most importantly,if you've got dementia the time comes when being at home is stressful and disorienting, not least because everyone else is convinced that familiarity is good for you and you know your way around.

But you don't do familiarity, because that bit of the brain has died, and all you get is misery from people getting at cross-purposes with you because they think you know what you're doing in what is now a strange place.

Dementia sufferers can't understand or benefit from 'home comforts' because they can't understand what home means after a while. Whereas institutions, with their inbuilt formality and impersonality, are much more relaxing - less is expected. Again, a huge relief.

[Corygal1]

Oh, and half-killing your family with overwork and stress by staying at home is a given. Over half of carers suffer a breakdown after just one year. That's not ok.

[cocochanel21]

My mum always said she would hate to be a burden to her children when she was older. She used to say find me a nice home and make sure I have whiskey.

When her dementia got bad and we couldn't cope anymore she cried and cried for week's when she first went to live in the home begging us to take her home.
Can't tell you how many times I wanted to pack her belongings and take her home with me.

[BeaufortBelle]

Yes. My grandmother had early onset dementia from about 70.

The first few years she was forgetful.
Then forgetful and irrational; sometimes accusatory over things being stolen
Then she couldn't remember how to make a cup of tea or to put the right clothes on
Then she got muddled and forgot who people were
For a few years she went to a day care centre three times a week
By the time she was escaping at night in her nightie and being brought home by the police she was ready for respite care - two weeks in a geriatric MH unit and four weeks at home
That gave my 85 year old grandad time to recover and regain strength and sanity
After a couple of years of that when she didn't know who we were at all, when she walked up and down constantly, when she couldn't wash or dress herself or follow a conversation at all she went permanently into a geriiatric mh care home.
She was there for almost five years during that time my mother or grandad visited daily, they sang to her, talked to her, washed her, fed her, gave her a soppy cup. My mother continued to do her laundry to keep her spick and span.

When she died after successive tia's she had forgotten to speak, how to eat, her swallowing reflexes had been forgotten, she forgot how to walk and was doubly incontinent. When she died she was 4st 7lb. The family had bought her a state of the art wobble bed to prevent bedsores. She was so loved.

She had no underlying medical condition so you see the dementia ran it's full course which doesn't often happen. It isn't often either that someone's family provides such devoted care. It's impossible to look after someone that ill for 24/7 for more than 15 years because you see humans need a break.

In that time my mother was utterly unavailable to me and my children her grandchildren and made herself ill.

So, yes, I would put my mother in a care home because I understand why it has to be done but no I won't lay down my life or my children's lives to visit her daily.

I'm 55. If I start developing dementia/alzheimers I hope I have the courage to make arrangements in Switzerland whilst I still can if a preventative treatment isn't available.

Hope that helps clear it up for you op.

[wholecanofbeans]

My dear friend's mother grew increasingly frail on her own at home. She had carers coming in three times a day for ten minutes a visit and was terribly lonely. My friend was unable to care for her because she had a family and mortgage and worked full time. Her mother became bed bound and eventually after a fall and worsening dementia went into a home. She had the most superb care. Most touchingly, although her dementia became very bad towards the end, she believed she was back home in her mum and dad's house. The staff were amazing and she had a very peaceful death.

[BirthdayBetty]

Sadly, I'll probably have to work till I die, so I won't have any time for caring for dm or mil

[Helenluvsrob]

My post was a slightly tongue in cheek reply to the ops somewhat emotive guilt tripping one :). Can do a stick out tongue smiley

Beaufortbelle I get exactly what you mean about the dementia running its full course. Miserable disease it is too. Dads getting like that. He's almost forgetting to breathe when he's asleep.

[MinniedeMinx]

Nan went to a Marie Curie hospice as no one was able to provide the nursing care she needed round the clock.
I have a progressive neurological disorder, and although my kids have said they dont want me to go into a home, I'm not sure I want them wiping my bum .
Plus it will be for years, so I'm thinking visit them once a year, go to the seaside for a holiday, that sort of thing. But not burden them with the day to day stuff.

[Runner05]

My mum went into a care home about a month ago. She has dementia and went down hill very quickly.

For her own safety and comfort she now needs to be looked after 24/7, she falls often, is incontinent and cannot look after herself without prompting.

I love my mum but I know that I would never be able to give her the kind of care that the care home offers, to do so I would have to quit work, move, live on benefits and I honestly don't think I am mentally strong enough to look after her in the patient and gentle way they do at the care home.

Where she is now she gets to spend all day with people her own age, never had to worry about falling or going without medical care, gets lovely meals and gets to socialise with others in a cafe like environment, has the help she needs to get up, go to bed and use the toilet and if she gets confused there's always someone on hand to calm her and make her feel better.

I get such peace of mind from knowing that she's well looked after and although it's sad to visit and know that she is incapable of interacting the way she used to, it's also good to see that she looks healthy and comfortable. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about letting her go into care.