Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

AIBU?

Would you/has anyone send their parents to care home

129 replies

Fabmum24 · 14/03/2016 16:03

The reason I ask is I'm a mum, and spend my entire day running after them, so I'm thinking my mum did the same for all of us and never complained, and now that she needs us, should we send her on her own to be looked after by strangers. What would you do or have done, I appreciate it.

OP posts:

Report

Husbanddoestheironing · 14/03/2016 18:32

My mum will when the time comes and is already planning vaguely ahead, though I suspect she will put it off longer than she should, and I do dread that inbetween stage already, having seen many elderly relatives go through it. Once she is settled somewhere I will visit very regularly, take her out or to ours for the day etc while still possible and diligently make sure her care is done properly and with care and humanity, because she is my mum and I love her dearly. But she can be extremely picky and difficult at times and we both know that we couldn't live under the same roof without a murder occurring.
I also will be planning ahead to make sure that my children don't feel obliged to provide long term care for me. I want them to have a good life.

TattyCat · 14/03/2016 18:36

Reading all this breaks my heart. My DM doesn't ever want to go into a care home and I've promised her that I'll look after her with me (and DP) but the reality of that is something I worry about and she doesn't really want that either. She lives 120 miles away from me so to bring her to live with me would totally isolate her.

In addition to this, since the loss of my DF 18 months ago, she just doesn't want to live and every conversation with her (daily) is hard. I don't know what to say to her any more because there's just nothing I can do or say to make it better. I'm not looking forward to the future, at all.

Awholelottanosy · 14/03/2016 18:39

My mum had to go in a nursing home as she had a severe stroke which left her paralysed, unable to speak or swallow food and doubly in continent. None of us were able to look after her with such a high level of need.

I was also a carer for a year and a half for my dad who had dementia and went blind, I couldn't do it any more as I was on the edge of a breakdown and he was becoming a danger to himself. I did feel guilt initially about putting him in a home but he's safe and has 24 hour care - and now he's adjusted to it, is relatively content. It's a horrid thing to have to think about but it will happen to us all eventually no matter how healthy you try and remain.

I think the bigger issue is more about how to pay for end of life care and having the ability to choose assisted suicide or to be able to make a living will whilst you still have the mental capacity to do do. Having witnessed what both my parents have gone through, I want to be able to go to Dignitas and be put to sleep rather than having to go through the horror and infinity of having absolutely no control over what happens to you.

HackAttack · 14/03/2016 18:45

In all honesty if I ever needed significant care I would hope my kids would put me in a home. I brought them into this world wanting them to have happy, fulfilling lives not to be a burden on them.

That said my grandad regularly terrifies me by commenting that if he ever got diagnosed with any kind of deteriorating condition (physical or cognitive) he would leave a note and drive off a cliff as he would not accept care from anyone. How do you even respond to that?!

Awholelottanosy · 14/03/2016 18:50

Hack I can actually understand where your grandad is coming from. It's a frightening prospect, being old, frail and vulnerable. I wish we could have an intelligent conversation in this country about old age, the horrendous illnesses pp get and having the right to have a peaceful assisted suicide. Sadly that option had been turned down so pp are left with increasing desperate measures

Maybe with such a huge ageing population things will change? The other thing that makes me v angry is the astronomical cost of care and pp making profit out if it. It's fucking immoral IMO!

BackforGood · 14/03/2016 18:50

OP - your title and opening post are really simplistic and use very emotive language.
My parents have dies, but, had they needed more care than I could give them, then yes, of course I would support them to find the best solution for their needs. Yes, that might well have included a residential home where their needs would be met.

Fuzz01 · 14/03/2016 18:54

Its difficult. I've work in a care home but the thought of my DF going into one breaks my heart. My mam isnt getting older and i have a young family. Of course we will try and keep him home aslong as possible but sometimes you can't do anymore. Lots of families feel this guilt when placing their parents in a care home but the support its alot greater 24/7 care.

Some residents love it especially the social side. My job is events so try to make it as fun as possible. I would advise looking at cleaness,facilities,carers attitudes,food and activities within a home.

Narp · 14/03/2016 18:55

I think you've not thought through the wording of your post. OP. I find it really insensitive, actually.

Narp · 14/03/2016 18:57

OP

Are you facing this situation?

TattyCat · 14/03/2016 18:58

That said my grandad regularly terrifies me by commenting that if he ever got diagnosed with any kind of deteriorating condition (physical or cognitive) he would leave a note and drive off a cliff as he would not accept care from anyone. How do you even respond to that?!

I have to respond to this regularly, as it's how my DM is also currently talking (albeit doing it in a different manner). It's so hard, knowing that there is no joy in her life.

TattyCat · 14/03/2016 18:59

I think you've not thought through the wording of your post. OP. I find it really insensitive, actually.

Eh? It's a fairly simple question from Op, really. Not sure how it can be 'insensitive'?

HackAttack · 14/03/2016 19:00

Thanks for the replies. Don't get me wrong, he's fit as a fiddle right now. I guess I never though about how scary ill health must seem to him, I kind of thought it was sad that he only felt worth anything to people around him when he is fit and able but that puts it in a different light.

Gatehouse77 · 14/03/2016 19:08

We looked into care homes for my mum and she even tried one or two for a couple of weeks but it wasn't the right environment for her. She was not a very gregarious person and would just do as she was told, even if she didn't like it. For example, being wheeled into a room for an activity she didn't want to do and left there. But, she didn't ask anyone to take her out and was thoroughly miserable. Her ability to process information and communicate was declining and we felt she'd decline much faster in that environment through distress and despair.

We were fortunate, however, that she could fund round-the-clock carers in her own home and that was the right choice for her.

Some of the care homes we visited I wouldn't wish on anyone. Horrible, soul destroying places. In fact, one of my brothers and I went to one and agreed we'd rather shoot mum than have her go there.

Out2pasture · 14/03/2016 19:14

my job was in placement of (usually) seniors in care homes.
no one really wants to place a loved one in a residential care facility but everyone has a breaking point. fecal incontinence and or behavioral issues are often the straw that breaks the camels back.

Narp · 14/03/2016 19:16

Tatty

"Send her on her own to be looked after by strangers"

Implied guilt-trip

TattyCat · 14/03/2016 19:18

Can anyone explain just how the Care homes come up with the extortionate weekly figures for care? My SIL's DM is currently in one that charges £850 per week.

I can only assume she can afford it (they are also renting her house out to partially contribute to this fee). But that's not the point - HOW can it cost £850 pw to keep one individual who is really just infirm rather than needing 'nursing'?

TattyCat · 14/03/2016 19:20

Narp That is exactly how my DM talks, and yes, it's absolutely guilt tripping. That doesn't mean Op was wrong, particularly, for wording it as such. That is exactly how my DM sees it.

BackforGood · 14/03/2016 19:22

Tatty - the way the OP is worded, it suggests that anyone whose parents / grandparents receive care in a care home should somehow feel guilty - it implies they have been let down by their family. I'm surprised you can't see how insensitive that is.

Fratelli · 14/03/2016 19:23

I work in a care home and tbh when it comes down to it you do whatever you can to keep your relative safe and as healthy as possible. Sometimes that means putting them in a care home. Just do the research about care homes in your area. Many of the residents where I am prefer it in the home as they have made many friends there! We also have activities every day covering all sorts of things!

Awholelottanosy · 14/03/2016 19:24

I agree, the fees are extortionate especially as most care home workers are on minimum wage. I guess it's a combination of 24 hour salaries, utility bills, maintenance, ( medical staff - if it's a nursing home), a cook etc. But then there is also the massive profit private owners are raking in...( which this Gvt don't give a shit about )

ThomasRichard · 14/03/2016 19:25

DM has made me promise not to try to look after her if she needs substantial care so yes, I would. I hope that should the time come when a move may be necessary we will have plenty of time to find somewhere that she and/or my dad will feel happy for the rest of their lives.

Out2pasture · 14/03/2016 19:27

staffing 24/7 by professionals that earn a decent wage plus all the benefits that go along with the said wage. if you add up all the cooks and cleaners the engineer to watch the boiler you see there is a rather large team involved in operating one facility
then there is building costs and maintenance.
in Canada care homes are government regulated but not funded by our national progam.
the fee's here are based on income (currently not savings or assets).

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

TattyCat · 14/03/2016 19:29

BackforGood Ok, I'm probably being dense then - apologies. I think I'd be guilty of sounding the same tbh, had I written the opening post. My DM is and always has been very harsh with her words so I'm a bit desensitised I think.

I already feel guilty where my DM is concerned, just by breathing.

Awholelottanosy · 14/03/2016 19:32

When my mum first went into
A nursing home after her stroke which left her incapacitated, the NHS initially paid for it but then she was reassessed and deemed to be
' stable' and therefore not eligible and so we had to stump up the £3 k per month for her care. We appealed it but they said that because she was so incapacitated she didn't actually need any medical care. I asked how unwell would she have to be to qualify and was told that she could be looked after at home , with someone just coming in to change her feeding ( had a tube in her stomach ). So the fact that she was literally unable to do anything as she was so incapacitated went against her. She was lying in a bed like this for nearly 5 years until she died. Heartbreaking to witness but also made me very angry the way she 'd been 'assessed'.

PageStillNotFound404 · 14/03/2016 19:38

I'll have to, if the need arises. I'm an only child, my DH is disabled and unable to work and I have chronic health conditions of my own which means some physical aspects of longterm care would be beyond me. My DP's home isn't big enough for us to move into and we're in private rental so making infrastructure changes is impossible. Added to that, I had to move 100 miles away to find work after redundancy and I can't afford to quit or go PT.

I won't want to and I'll feel guilty as hell if it comes to it, but I don't see what alternatives I have?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.