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AIBU?

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Original poster

Or are all men like this?

131 replies

pando · 14/03/2016 12:19

Have NC for this one. This weekend DP left his text messaging app open on his laptop & I saw a couple of texts (shouldn't have looked I know, stupid me) that made me uncomfortable. I don't know if I am too sensitive (admittedly I have low self esteem, PND, anxiety) or if this is normal for men. They were to a colleague of his saying "have you seen the new starts? That girl with the dark hair is lovely", then "need to find out who she is", then a few days later saying another colleague had added her on facebook & DP was "jealous". Then I saw he was texting her (no name saved initially so he must have given her his number) with just general chat & now I see they are friends on fbook too. Am I overreacting to be upset about him talking like this about other women? Would love some perspective.

OP posts:
MartinaJ · 14/03/2016 12:21

No, not all of them are like this. My DH knows if he did anything like this, he'd be walking minus two round parts of his body. You need to sit him down and explain to him that you expect him to behave like an adult with his brain in his skull and not between his legs.

TooMuchRain · 14/03/2016 12:22

It would be impossible for all men to be/do the same so your question makes no sense to me. But your DP sounds a creep.

lionsleepstonight · 14/03/2016 12:23

I wouldn't be happy with that. I'm not sure what I would do though, maybe just be more aware of his comings and goings from now on?

Has he any previous form, that would make you think this could lead to something?

Owllady · 14/03/2016 12:23

He sounds like he's still at school

AnyFucker · 14/03/2016 12:24

Yep, he sounds like a predatory skirt-chaser

Nice

Sallystyle · 14/03/2016 12:24

My husband wouldn't do this, no.

He has more respect for me and other women.

Now, nothing wrong with making friends with new female colleagues but a natural friendship hasn't occurred has it? He has gone out of his way to friend her because of her looks.

ReturnoftheWhack · 14/03/2016 12:25

What a knob.

molyholy · 14/03/2016 12:26

My husband would not do this. It sounds like he seriously need to grow up.

curren · 14/03/2016 12:26

I can't imagine my dh doing this.

Some people (men and women) do this. There was thread recently where the OP dh was upset as she had been texting about fancying a colleague who she spent time with outside work (as part of a group, not one to one). A lot of posters didn't think she had done anything wrong either.

In fact posters, who said they didn't mind their dh talking about fancying people were told it was great they had such secure relationships.

So it's not a men thing or a woman thing. Some people think it's acceptable. Some don't. I don't think it's is personally.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/03/2016 12:27

This cock is not doing your self-esteem issues any good and you would be better off and happier without him. Were you happy and confident before you met him? If so, he is the cause of your distress. If you were vulnerable and anxious when you met him, then he picked you deliberately, as he wants a partner he can bully and control and hurt.

ridemesideways · 14/03/2016 12:29

Huh. Be prepared to be told it's just "lads banter", but actually. It's pretty crap to objectify people like this, and also disrespectful to you.

SohowdoIdothis · 14/03/2016 12:29

No all men are not like that, most are lovely kind honest straight forward caring people at least most the ones I know are.

Sorry you are with a twonk, but don't for a second think that is normal.

Original poster
pando · 14/03/2016 12:29

Ok this is interesting. I thought I was being irrational. It feels exactly like he doesn't respect me U2HasTheEdge. No history of cheating (as far as I know obviously) but we had an issue about 6 months ago where he'd been on a night out with a group of colleagues, came home v late completely wasted (vomiting, the works) & the next morning I saw messages to a colleague saying he fancied her friend whose photo he has seen on her fbook profile (don't regularly check his phone, it was in front of me when he got the message!). He claimed to have no memory of it. I was raging, asked him to leave for a couple of days but he refused. I got him to delete the colleague from his friends list which he did (although did kick up a fuss), then apologised but suppose that's stayed in my mind.

OP posts:
AnotherEffingOrangeRevel · 14/03/2016 12:31

Hmm, it does sound a bit distasteful.
I can sort of see how it could be just a bit of silliness (albeit inconsiderate silliness). I can imagine having a joke with other female colleagues about a new physically attractive male employee before actually ever meeting them. Then when you meet someone properly, often (in my experience) you forget about once seeing them as a physical specimen and just get on with being their friend. But all this depends on context, really. Only your DP can know if it's "innocent", and only you can know if this is OK with you (which it doesn't sound as if it is). Hope you can have a serious chat with him, OP, and that in any case you feel better soon.

suspiciousofgoldfish · 14/03/2016 12:32

I bet this discovery made you feel on top of the world OP.

Along with your new baby, the PND and the anxiety.

Please don't listen to anyone who tells you this is fine and/or harmless.

Your DP is a untrustworthy, immature, self centred dick weasel.

I would say have it out with him but he sounds like the type to carry on regardless. I wouldn't want to raise kids with a tosser like this.

Sorry Thanks

AnotherEffingOrangeRevel · 14/03/2016 12:34

OK, just seen your latest post, OP. That does not sound OK. Flowers

PinotEgregio · 14/03/2016 12:34

YANBU. What a tosser.

Original poster
pando · 14/03/2016 12:34

I am anticipating he would say it was "banter", this particular colleague is pretty laddy IYSWIM. It just makes me feel like he's nice to my face but behind my back he's checking out other women & being a creep. But maybe lots of men act a bit like that? It feels disrespectful & I'm embarrassed about it.

OP posts:
ridemesideways · 14/03/2016 12:34

asked him to leave for a couple of days but he refused

He's a pisstaker. Sorry OP. I don't think it sounds like he does your self esteem any good at all.

Original poster
pando · 14/03/2016 12:35

But what do I do? We have our DS. What can I do? I need to make this work for DS.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 14/03/2016 12:38

You have no reason to be embarassed, you havent done anything wrong. Your partner on the other hand appears to be behaving as if he is a single man out on the pull. You deserve better.

My partner doesnt behave like this, and if he did I would sling him out.

MsMommie · 14/03/2016 12:39

Tell him to fuck off.
You don't make anything work 'for the kids'
You can both be good parents, separately.
He's a cunt. Simple as that.

Crispbutty · 14/03/2016 12:40

You cant make something work if he doesnt want to make it work unfortunately.

ridemesideways · 14/03/2016 12:41

It's up to you whether you can cope with his flirtatious ways, or not. I would at least have a calm and frank discussion with him, and tell him how his actions make you feel.

It sounds like you might be dismissed though. In which case the subtext is "I'll do what I like"

That's not a good relationship in which to feel safe, secure, loved and foster your mental health. Neither is it a good example to set to your dc.

MartinaJ · 14/03/2016 12:41

pando, you have to make this work for your DS so he has a happy Mum who is content and has lots of esteem and respect for herself. Not someone who's trying to persuade herself that a cheating husband is just grand.

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