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AIBU?

Or are all men like this?

131 replies

pando · 14/03/2016 12:19

Have NC for this one. This weekend DP left his text messaging app open on his laptop & I saw a couple of texts (shouldn't have looked I know, stupid me) that made me uncomfortable. I don't know if I am too sensitive (admittedly I have low self esteem, PND, anxiety) or if this is normal for men. They were to a colleague of his saying "have you seen the new starts? That girl with the dark hair is lovely", then "need to find out who she is", then a few days later saying another colleague had added her on facebook & DP was "jealous". Then I saw he was texting her (no name saved initially so he must have given her his number) with just general chat & now I see they are friends on fbook too. Am I overreacting to be upset about him talking like this about other women? Would love some perspective.

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AnyFucker · 14/03/2016 12:45

Yep, it's much better for your son to see their mothers stay with men who disrespect them.

pando · 14/03/2016 12:47

It feels like he's changed. I don't think he was always like this. He's definitely always been flirtatious face to face but I don't mind that really as he's like that with everyone, it's just him being friendly. It's only been since he started this job really that he's acted like this, but that coincides with me having DS. I sometimes wonder if I have "let myself go" a bit, he says I am less fun. Maybe I should make more of an effort?

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UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 14/03/2016 12:48

I don't believe all men are like this, no, but some certainly are. My dh didn't behave like this when he was single.

You have a problem - you are committed to him (by you DS) but he seems to take every opportunity to chase a friend's friend or the new office hottie, plus his behaviour is affecting your self esteem.

I'm not sure you will have any luck changing his behaviour tbh, he will doubtless call it just a bit of fun and belittle you for feeling like that.

Personally, I wouldn't put up with crap with like this, so I've never got involved with men who behave like it iyswim - you can usually tell from the way they approach you/ speak to you/ behave around women. One of my friends is married to a man like this - she chooses to ignore it.

You should try telling him that you won't put up with this behaviour, that he is acting like a predatory creep.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2016 12:49

Christ, no

Don't doll yourself up in the hope of stopping a wandering eye. How demeaning.

Make more of an effort if you want to for you , but anything else smacks of 1950's hair ribbon-wearing to me.

MartinaJ · 14/03/2016 12:51

pando, is it normal for you to feel like you need to humiliate yourself to explain why your husband is thinking with his cock?
he behaves like an immature wanker and you are excusing it by heaping blame on yourself. Please search psychological help if you feel like you have problems with self-esteem and respect. You are not to blame.

pando · 14/03/2016 12:53

UnderThe he will doubtless call it just a bit of fun and belittle you for feeling like that.
This is exactly what he did when I saw those messages about his colleague's friend before. I just feel like if I tell him I won't put up with it he won't take me seriously? I am aware I sound pathetic here.

AnyFucker I know this, rationally I do, I like to think I have more respect for myself than this but I just wonder if it is my fault?

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UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 14/03/2016 12:53

xposted with you OP - don't let him lay this at your door. 'Less fun' my arse - you have his child. Life can be less 'fun' in a lot of ways when you have a child - you can't just pop to the pub, or out for a meal to let your hair down, because you're caring for a small human being.

It's possible that he's joined a work place where a lot of this sort of 'banter' goes on, and he's just fallen in with it. Or it's possible he now sees you as the little woman at home - not as fun or exciting as the new girl at work.

But his behaviour of off, not yours.

pando · 14/03/2016 12:54

MartinaJ I know I have problems with self esteem. I will look into doing something about it. Thank you, I appreciate your posts.

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AnyFucker · 14/03/2016 12:55

It's not your fault.

shovetheholly · 14/03/2016 12:55

I think some men bond like this. It's absolutely pathetic. It's like they need to have a 'Phwoar' at women to prove their masculinity to each other.

I think some men are cheaters and predators, who really do groom women in this kind of way.

I think some men wouldn't dream of disrespecting women in either of the above ways.

Only you can tell if he's the first type or the second. What you should be concerned about, though, is that he's not the third, because frankly it's impossible to respect the weakness of type one, and impossible to feel anything but repulsion for type 2.

pando · 14/03/2016 12:56

UnderThe yeah it is a much more lad type environment, definitely. He didn't used to be like this. It's a very demanding job so I think he has just started behaving like his colleagues to keep up, they have to be a very tight team. But it does feel like I am boring for him, not exciting anymore

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MsBojangles · 14/03/2016 12:57

Unfortunately I suspect this type of crappy behaviour is more prevalent than we like to think.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2016 12:57

I have a theory about the type of bloke who needs to "bond" with other blokes by entering into competition about how "masculine" they are.

theredjellybean · 14/03/2016 12:58

i is not unreasonable to think another person who is not your partner, is attractive....but what is very distasteful is he is actively pursuing a friendship with this girl...that is definitely more than just admiring a pretty girl or handsome man in the office..or developing a bit of a crush on a sleb for instance ( i have slight crush on Boris Johnson...but i openly laugh about it with my DP)

If you DP had come home and told you that his office friends were making comments about the new girls...and he said yes they were pretty then you might not feel threatened or worried, it is fact he is exchanging messages like a pack of school boys and then has started messaging her ...not good

shovetheholly · 14/03/2016 12:59

Me too Anyfucker

Pseudo341 · 14/03/2016 13:00

I need to make this work for DS.

Do you think he feels the same way about you? It doesn't really sound like it. Why should you be the one to make it work if he can't be bothered?

Frankly the fact that he's told you you're less fun while you're suffering from PND makes him an utter tool in my book. I'd be having stern words now and if he doesn't shape up then I'd be planning my exit.

LoveBoursin · 14/03/2016 13:01

He'll do it again if he has done that once before.

You will have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not.
If it isn't, then so be it.
If it is (and I suspect that it is for you if you have posted), then you need to make it VERY clear to him and be ready to say 'this is a deal breaker for me. If you do it again, then our relationship is finished.' and then actually do it when he will do it again (because he will).

Sallyingforth · 14/03/2016 13:02

Some men do talk like this. And some women talk like that about men they fancy too.
In both cases it's silly and childish.

I doubt very much that he's intending to seduce her, but it's still not a sensible thing to do and he should know better.

Pinkheart5915 · 14/03/2016 13:02

No not all men are like it, most are actually really nice.
My husband is lovely, has absolute respect for our marriage, and I trust him completely

The text messages you found are they quite flirty? Or is it just general chit chat? If it's just general chit chat, he's just chatting to a colleague I don't think I would be too bothered. If they were flirty I'd not be overly impressed though

MrsBethel · 14/03/2016 13:02

What a bell-end.

roundaboutthetown · 14/03/2016 13:03

He sounds like an arsewipe. Not normal behaviour for the sort of man who wants to remain married.

LoveBoursin · 14/03/2016 13:03

Hmm he can indeed chose to behave in a similar way that his colleagues. That's not an unheard off attitude (and in some ways we all do it).
However, he can also choose to let that at work and behave in a different way at home, ie he can easily choose to reduce his contact with his work colleagues outside work, not make xx a friend on FB and send flirty messages etc...

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glintwithpersperation · 14/03/2016 13:04

My husband comes across 'the wandering eye/sleeze bags' at work; we laugh at what pathetic losers they are

pando · 14/03/2016 13:04

AnyFucker shovetheholly I am hoping you are right & he is doing it to keep in with the "lads" at work. Still makes me feel like shit though.

And as you said theredjellybean fair enough fancy someone, happens to everyone, but it's the things he's saying (worse face to face with his colleagues presumably!) & the fact he's actively pursuing a friendship with her.

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pando · 14/03/2016 13:05

Pseudo341 Yeah that comment from him really hurt. Told him how unreasonable & hurtful it was at the time but I guess it's how he feels.

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