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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or are all men like this?

131 replies

pando · 14/03/2016 12:19

Have NC for this one. This weekend DP left his text messaging app open on his laptop & I saw a couple of texts (shouldn't have looked I know, stupid me) that made me uncomfortable. I don't know if I am too sensitive (admittedly I have low self esteem, PND, anxiety) or if this is normal for men. They were to a colleague of his saying "have you seen the new starts? That girl with the dark hair is lovely", then "need to find out who she is", then a few days later saying another colleague had added her on facebook & DP was "jealous". Then I saw he was texting her (no name saved initially so he must have given her his number) with just general chat & now I see they are friends on fbook too. Am I overreacting to be upset about him talking like this about other women? Would love some perspective.

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maras2 · 14/03/2016 13:49

Dirty bastard.This is the sort of crap that some blokes call ' banter '.

StarlingMurmuration · 14/03/2016 13:49

For what it's worth, I had a male friend with whom I had had a relationship at university, and then we'd stayed friends. He is married with kids, I have a DS with DP. We used to send each other friendly and chatty (NOT flirty) messages via FB - not all the time, maybe a few messages a month, in a burst of say ten messages over two days, then nothing for another month. I realised I was looking forward to these messages a bit too much, so I stopped completely. We're still FB friends, but I never initiate contact now. I did that because I didn't want things to go any further, I didn't want to get into an emotional affair, and I felt that having those feelings about another man (anticipation etc when you're expecting a message) wasn't fair on DP. I think that's the kind of self-restraint you should show when you are in a relationship with someone you care about.

Original poster
pando · 14/03/2016 13:51

Frika honestly he used to be flirtatious with everyone, men/women, young/old, whatever. He thought he was being friendly but it was often mistaken for flirting. He is still like this, but the laddy thing is totally new with this job, he has changed & I don't know if I like it.

BurtMacklinsWife I am a parks fan, I would love a ben! I just didn't really think that anyone was in a relationship where they always felt wanted/attractive. I didn't know that was real but from what some of you have written here it sounds like it is?

Laguna I see your point. I just don't know what to do. This whole post has really scared me, I guess I thought I could dismiss a lot of what I felt as me being irrational/linked to mh issues but I think actually things have happened which lots of people wouldn't be happy about. I don't know what to do at all.

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Original poster
pando · 14/03/2016 13:54

shovetheholly interesting to hear your experiences & I am sorry that happened to you. It is absolutely that he knows I would be uncomfortable but does it anyway that hurts so much. I don't think he would actually cheat on me, but it feels really strange knowing he would do something he knows would hurt me. He knows I feel shit about myself but instead of actually doing anything to help me (never compliments me, is constantly sarcastic despite me telling him it hurts my feelings) he does this Sad

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Original poster
pando · 14/03/2016 13:56

StarlingMurmuration agree about the self-restraint. Isn't that a big part of being in a relationship, prioritising the other person & dismissing passing attractions to others because of the connection you share? I wouldn't do this to him & he knows that.

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Frika · 14/03/2016 13:57

You know what you do, Pando? Put it on him. It's sod all to do with you.

Tell him how pitiful, unattractive and desperate these conversations make him look in your eyes. Ask him if he thinks you find it fulfilling to be married to someone who is so juvenile he competes over drooling over new female colleagues with his mates - it's the behaviour of a spotty fourteen year old schoolboy, all BO and pores, whose idea of a chat-up line is a mumble after double Maths about how his mate wants to go out with you. Let him see how pathetic he is, rather than the suave type and top banterer he clearly thinks himself to be.

StarlingMurmuration · 14/03/2016 13:58

That's it exactly! You can feel attraction for other people, but you should never act upon it if you value your relationship and your partner.

chilledwarmth · 14/03/2016 13:58

Whenever I've been in a relationship we've both known to be discreet about this sort of thing. Of course we're both going to find ourselves physically attracted to other people, but you don't want to hear it so we just don't say anything to each other about it. And as long as it never goes further than a feeling of attraction there isn't a problem. It seems like it's progressed beyond that though, in your case. Maybe have a talk and say how you feel?

shovetheholly · 14/03/2016 14:02

Oh pando, I know exactly how you feel. The thing is, you're dealing with an onslaught on four fronts:

  1. He's not paying any attention to what you say about this hurting your feelings.
  2. He's continuing to flirt with other women in plain sight.
  3. He's telling you that you're being oversensitive for the way that you feel about it, because nothing's 'really' going on.
  4. More generally, he's constantly putting you down and refusing to take you seriously (constant sarcasm isn't at all funny, it's a weapon).

If you break it up like this, it's a kind of gaslighting: he's doing something in front of your eyes, but telling you that it isn't really happening and that you're wrong for reacting to it in the way you do and that you're a bad person for being like that.

And we're all here telling you that we'd react in the exact same way. Or even that we've been in similar shoes to yours. And that a caring relationship doesn't function in this way.

Do you think he'd be receptive to couples' counselling? My ex most definitely wasn't - in fact, looking back, that was one of the huge red flags. He knew that if we introduced another perspective into the discussion, his gaslighting would fall apart.

Original poster
pando · 14/03/2016 14:03

Frika chilledwarmth You are both right, I should talk to him. I am just scared if I do he will tell me I am being irrational, it's my shit self esteem, it's my anxiety playing up as he has before. If I get upset with him he often tells me I should go back to the dr because it's obvious my anxiety is playing up again & maybe I need more cbt etc. Plus have to admit reading the messages Blush

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Original poster
pando · 14/03/2016 14:06

My god shovetheholly you are spot on with all of this, thank you so much for saying all this. He definitely wouldn't be receptive to couples counselling, he hardly ever talks about his emotions, he wouldn't ever want to go to counselling. I really appreciate what you've said.

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shovetheholly · 14/03/2016 14:06

Oh, and you absolutely CAN have a Ben! It's not just a fantasy - there are loads of men who don't act in this pathetic way. I'm now married to one. Turns out my ex was doing me a favour all along, even though it felt terrible at the time!

chilledwarmth · 14/03/2016 14:18

If he does that then you should say that he's just using your anxiety as a free pass, as a "if you criticize anything it's your anxiety therefore your fault", that's not acceptable, and it needs to stop.

LaConnerie · 14/03/2016 14:45

If I get upset with him he often tells me I should go back to the dr because it's obvious my anxiety is playing up again & maybe I need more cbt etc.

That's horrible Sad

I was thinking he's 'just' a twat who can't keep his oggling to himself, but he is actually pretty nasty using your illness for his own gains, to excuse his disgusting behaviour...

LaConnerie · 14/03/2016 14:51

Shovetheholly what's a Ben? I'm assuming that's not a typo because of the correct grammar....!

MsBojangles · 14/03/2016 15:00

Not Affleck presumably.

Original poster
pando · 14/03/2016 15:05

LaConnerie I know I really don't like it when he says that. Haha Ben is a reference to a character from Parks & Rec, see BurtMacklinsWife posts!

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LoveBoursin · 14/03/2016 16:27

Actually I agree with him.
Go back to see your GP, get some counselling, get stronger and take the best decision about your and your DC life, regardless of whether it is with or wo him.

It's funny how he sees ADs as a weakness and a wool to make you see his pov. I see counselling and AD as a way to be stronger and stand up to him. If he knew, I'm sure he wouldn't encourage you to do that....

On a more serious note, do take note of his behaviours, the put downs etc... Take some time to get stronger and to see this for what they are rather than the distorted reality he wants you to accept 'because you are unwell/have PND'.
Decide what is a deal breaker for you or not. You might find that the texts aren't a deal breaker but his attitude towards you is etc...
But to find that out, you need to stop second guessing yourself. You need to believe that your beliefs and deal breakers are ok. You need to start looking after yourself so you can get stronger.

nicenewdusters · 14/03/2016 16:41

Nope, last refuge of the scoundrel, as the saying goes.

He thinks he's got a get out of jail free card because of "your issues".

Shameful, pathetic man.

Original poster
pando · 14/03/2016 17:38

I think I need to sort out my self esteem issues, reassess what is ok & what isn't & have a good chat with DP about it & how these things make me feel. I really appreciate all your responses, it's been really helpful. Thank you Wine

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shovetheholly · 14/03/2016 17:45

HA! No, definitely not Affleck. Ben as in Ben and Leslie subject of the conversation at the top of the page, and the kind of bloke you definitely deserve.

SpecialStains · 14/03/2016 18:01

It's sexist to think all men are like that. My dh definitely isn't. He's a nice, thoughtful, kind person who wouldn't talk about a woman like that, or act so hurtfully towards me. Why do you need to stay with someone who treats you and other women like this? He's not a good role model for your DC. Don't make allowances for people like this.

Solina · 14/03/2016 18:11

Tbh I might be a bit weird but I wouldnt mind my other half thinking or saying that someone else was pretty etc. Texting depending on the content would be ok too as you know you can be friends with a person you consider attractive. The line would be with actual flirting or wanting an affair.

I mean there are many handsome men at work and I notice as well as do my colleagues but this does not mean I am interested in a relationship or anything of that kind with them. I love my OH and think he is handsome. But it is normal to find other people attractive.

If he is flirting with her then I would raise this with him and let him know you are uncomfortable with this. If its just friendly text just leave it.

Justaboy · 14/03/2016 18:39

Most all men despite social standing, education whatever, will have a letch at a woman and more than likely pass comment on what they think of her face, front, rear wherever but that's usually said just there and then and not put in writing. One thing they will never do is to make those comments with any other females around. They can of course engage in a bit of flirty banter with the women at work and sometimes the women can be just as bad, been there heard it!, but it seems to me that there's more underlying this than just simply a bit of flirtations banter at work. Seems maybe that this has highlighted something else that's been bubbling away and has now boiled over perhaps?.

LaConnerie · 14/03/2016 19:06

solina this is more than a friendly text to someone he happens to consider attractive - he is actively wanting to get to know some random woman at work because he fancies her.

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