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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SIL and Dogs!

527 replies

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 11:17

NC for this. Not sure if this is more of a WWYD or possibly just a rant!

It's DS's birthday on Friday and we're having a little party in our house on Saturday. There will be about 20 adults and ten children from 1-8.

SIL doesn't have any children, quite often makes a point of saying she doesn't want any, but has two dogs. She text DH last night to see if we needed her to bring anything and DH asked if she could pick a cake up from Costco on the way to save us doing it on Friday. She replied saying that she wouldn't have room in the car for the cake with the dogs being in there.

DH replied asking why the dogs would be in the car and she replied saying that she wouldn't be able to leave them at home for the few hours she is out at the party.

DH ended up calling her up and telling her that the dogs wouldn't be able to come, she then went on to say how the weekend is her time with the dogs and she doesn't want to leave them. She also knows that we've recently had our garden done and so said it would be really nice for them to be able to play outside. He just repeated that the dogs weren't able to come as we are possibly getting a bouncy castle on the day(our friend owns one and can give it to us last minute) if the weather is ok. She accused him of making this up and that he should have made it clear the invite wasn't for the whole family before saying that if her dogs went welcome then she wouldn't be comings do then hung up. DH was just in shock and we couldn't think of anything else to say to her. If she wants to miss her nephews first birthday because she can't leave the dogs for four hours at the most despite leaving them from half seven to half seven every day at work then it's up to her.

She text me earlier to ask if DH had told me what she had said. I replied and said he had and that it was a shame for her to miss the party but the dogs can't come and we had assumed that she would have known that. She replied saying it was a shame that we didn't recognise that the dogs are part of her family. I said that I know she cares about her dogs but this is a child's party and we don't want them here for it. She has just replied with this text

"I feel like you don't realise how important they are to me. They are my family, my babies. I would never not invite DS to my house or say he wasn't welcome or suggest you leave him at home or with a sitter. I'm not going to come on Saturday. I haven't seen DSsince Christmas and was looking forward to it but it's unfair to ask me to give up time with the boys when I get to spend so little time with them as it is."

I am sat here just in disbelief. I don't even know what to say to her.

I know I'm not being unreasonable not inviting the dogs to my house. I just have no idea where to go with this now. DH is in a meeting until one so I can't even call him to tell him what's been said. My jaw is aching from my face just being like this Shock for the last ten minutes! She's always been very precious about the dogs and didn't come to a Christmas Eve thing at our old flat because we didn't have space for the dogs and all the presents were out under the tree etc. But I thought she would be a bit more reasonable about leaving them for a few hours to see DS.

Does anyone have any advice please?!

OP posts:
UmbongoUnchained · 14/03/2016 12:49

Ergh I know someone like this. Would you believe she actually comes to our local baby group to talk about her dogs. We are sat there talking about our babies and any difficulties we are having with breastfeeding, sleeping, weaning blah blah and she's sits there nodding and agreeing because oh yeah she goes through all the exact same thing with her fucking dogs!

RidersOnTheStorm · 14/03/2016 12:49

I don't understand why some dog owners assume it's ok to bring their dogs to other people's homes without asking first.

SirChenjin · 14/03/2016 12:50

Oooh - it's getting really interesting now Grin

Tell your DH to stand firm - MN has got his back and we want updates

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 14/03/2016 12:53

YANBU OP

And I think you're right about her first text being used to establish dog welcomeness or not: she asked if she could bring anything and when told 'yes' said she had no room because of them. I guess, perhaps, it's good that she did this and not just bring them anyway!

We have a much loved dog and my DD is reluctant to leave him ever, but we all realise he is just a dog, not a person, and assume that he is NOT welcome unless specifically invited.
A group of excited young children and two dogs is a very dangerous mix.
It sounds like she'll never appreciate this, though, nor realise the difference between dogs and children, so best just leave her to it as others have suggested.

Forgive me for laughing at her suggestion of training your son with a whistle!

RandomMess · 14/03/2016 12:54

I think you just need to keep repeating "It's a party for young children, it's not a good mix with dogs so they can't come"

Good luck!

OliviaStabler · 14/03/2016 12:55

Yes she is unreasonable to think she could bring her dogs to a children's party but I think some of the responses here are dismissive and unkind towards your SIL.

While many will not understand her attitude to her dogs, she is clearly terribly attached to them. There could be complex reasons for this you are not aware of. Be kinder to her, there are clearly issues going on.

And no, I don't have a dog.

3luckystars · 14/03/2016 12:56

Have a second party at her house then. Just you and your own children. It might be nice!

Scaredycat3000 · 14/03/2016 12:59

Oh dear, that's barking mad! SIL now expects you to change your DS's first birthday party to suit her dogs, FFS Confused Glad you and your OH are both on this.
You've just reminded me of when we moved and an older neighbour on hearing I had children, aged 1 and 4 at the time, insisted we came round for a play date with her dogs. We didn't go.

Zaurak · 14/03/2016 13:03

My sister is like this, but with cats. She cannot leave her cats on Xmas day to spend it with my family so she brings them to my parents house. My stepfather is horribly allergic so that makes him Ill

They're cats. They're the most independent fucking species on Earth, they don't give a flying fuck if you're there or not

I hate this furbabies thing. They're cats. I love cats, don't get me wrong, but treating an animal like a baby is bad all round. Especially with dogs - which need good ownership and training, not indulging

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 14/03/2016 13:03

FFS. Miscarriages = difficulty finding breeder. For that alone I would find it hard to pander even the slightest little bit. Tell her and MIL that the party is staying at your house and that's non-negotiable.

RhiWrites · 14/03/2016 13:05

I personally have cats and cats don't come on visits. (Used to bring them to parents for Christmas but no one enjoyed it). But dogs are different, aren't they? They're part of the family, they like visiting and doing things and they get sad when left home alone.

A well trained dog ought to be able to attend a garden party without an issue so it's a bit unreasonable not to invite them, unless they aren't well trained and would snap at people or foul the lawn.

I think there's also something a bit unfair about putting a crawling baby in a cot so the dogs can roam free but again it might be a sensible precaution. The OP's response to take baby immediately out of the cot again and plunk him on the floor seems an abrupt response.

Can't you discuss a reasonable accommodation for dogs and babies/children together?

Whatdoidohelp · 14/03/2016 13:07

She's barking

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 14/03/2016 13:10

Arf. I can't believe she went running to her mother to complain that her brother wouldn't let her bring her dogs to a children's birthday party. And that the mother didn't just tell her to pull her head out if her arse, but instead tried to rearrange the party around the dogs.

It's like a sitcom plot.

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 13:19

I'm not going to budge on this at all. We have planned to have the party here and it's staying here.

My reaction to the travel cot wasn't abrupt. She had suggested it and I said no and said maybe she could just stay near the dogs to keep them safe and I'll stay with DS while he plays. She waited for me to leave the room and did it anyway. DS had all his new toys in the floor outside the cot and he was just sat there with nothing to do looking at them.

I'm sick of everyone treating her behaviour as just normal. When I had my second miscarriage two days before Christmas she had just got the first dog. She spent all Christmas Day talking about her "babies" and calling PIL grandma and grandad. DH asked her if she would kindly be a bit more sensitive and she did for about half an hour before shouting at FIL for calling him "the dog" saying "He's your only grandchild, not just a dog!"

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 14/03/2016 13:19

"A group of excited young children and two dogs is a very dangerous mix."

You need to keep repeating this ^^

"A well trained dog ought to be able to attend a garden party without an issue so it's a bit unreasonable not to invite them"

Are you the SIL RhiWrites? Of course it is unreasonable to have dogs at a children's party FGS. What happened to "my house my rules"?

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 13:20

About her baby that should say.

OP posts:
Firstlawofholes · 14/03/2016 13:23

He's your only grandchild, not just a dog! ShockHmmShock

SirChenjin · 14/03/2016 13:25

Shock Dilly

She said that on Christmas??? Bloody hell - she's an evil witch.

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 14/03/2016 13:26

He's your only grandchild, not just a dog! Shock

Speechless.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/03/2016 13:26

As I was reading this I had a sneaky suspicion that the MIL would be getting involved at some point and lo and behold she has.

Your DH just needs to get on the phone to his mother and say that you are not changing the location/date/time or any other aspect of his son's birthday to suit his sister and her unrealistic demand to bring her dogs to the same party. Dogs are dogs. People are people and this is a party for people to attend without pets. Any pets, from goldfish to golden retrievers, all pets are excluded from the party.

I'd like to add that I think your SIL is a little unhinged after I read that she suggested you whistle train your son. She is imposing her dog training methods on your parenting which is nonsensical.

I have another sneaky suspicion that your MIL might decline to attend if her daughter (the SIL) doesn't attend (with dogs). Hope I'm wrong on that one though.

5Foot5 · 14/03/2016 13:27

DH asked her if she would kindly be a bit more sensitive and she did for about half an hour before shouting at FIL for calling him "the dog" saying "He's your only grandchild, not just a dog!"

This is so breathtakingly insensitive! When she said this did nobody in the family look at her like this Shock or ask her what the hell she thought she was doing?

The more I read about your SIL the more of a loon she sounds.

AHobbyaweek · 14/03/2016 13:27

I am sorry to say that I keep refreshing this thread for an update. What did your DH say to your SILs text to you?
I can see how difficult it is to get through to her and I think you should reply with "are you on glue?"

MartinaJ · 14/03/2016 13:30

UmbongoUnchained, is that woman breastfeeding her dogs too? Confused
Now I have an image in my head that I'd prefer to get rid of ASAP.
But it's clearly mental, that's for sure.

Fuzz01 · 14/03/2016 13:31

I grew up with dogs but we never took them everywhere we went. We certainly didn't expect people to accomodate them in the house! The reference to them being compared to children is ridiciulous. People don't want strange dogs in their house knocking children over, pooing and weeing in the garden. She choose to have dogs doesn't mean you have to host them. Shes completely unreasonable and bonkers. Reminds me of my DB ex wont live the house or get a job as shes got to look after her dogs ( shes 24!)

Scaredycat3000 · 14/03/2016 13:31

Wow, so she felt she was the one supplying the much wanted GC when they were infact dogs, then you ruined her little make believe by having a real baby, how bloody inconsiderate of you Dilly Hmm hopes sarcasum works there SIL isn't just living in a dog bubble she's nasty.

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