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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SIL and Dogs!

527 replies

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 11:17

NC for this. Not sure if this is more of a WWYD or possibly just a rant!

It's DS's birthday on Friday and we're having a little party in our house on Saturday. There will be about 20 adults and ten children from 1-8.

SIL doesn't have any children, quite often makes a point of saying she doesn't want any, but has two dogs. She text DH last night to see if we needed her to bring anything and DH asked if she could pick a cake up from Costco on the way to save us doing it on Friday. She replied saying that she wouldn't have room in the car for the cake with the dogs being in there.

DH replied asking why the dogs would be in the car and she replied saying that she wouldn't be able to leave them at home for the few hours she is out at the party.

DH ended up calling her up and telling her that the dogs wouldn't be able to come, she then went on to say how the weekend is her time with the dogs and she doesn't want to leave them. She also knows that we've recently had our garden done and so said it would be really nice for them to be able to play outside. He just repeated that the dogs weren't able to come as we are possibly getting a bouncy castle on the day(our friend owns one and can give it to us last minute) if the weather is ok. She accused him of making this up and that he should have made it clear the invite wasn't for the whole family before saying that if her dogs went welcome then she wouldn't be comings do then hung up. DH was just in shock and we couldn't think of anything else to say to her. If she wants to miss her nephews first birthday because she can't leave the dogs for four hours at the most despite leaving them from half seven to half seven every day at work then it's up to her.

She text me earlier to ask if DH had told me what she had said. I replied and said he had and that it was a shame for her to miss the party but the dogs can't come and we had assumed that she would have known that. She replied saying it was a shame that we didn't recognise that the dogs are part of her family. I said that I know she cares about her dogs but this is a child's party and we don't want them here for it. She has just replied with this text

"I feel like you don't realise how important they are to me. They are my family, my babies. I would never not invite DS to my house or say he wasn't welcome or suggest you leave him at home or with a sitter. I'm not going to come on Saturday. I haven't seen DSsince Christmas and was looking forward to it but it's unfair to ask me to give up time with the boys when I get to spend so little time with them as it is."

I am sat here just in disbelief. I don't even know what to say to her.

I know I'm not being unreasonable not inviting the dogs to my house. I just have no idea where to go with this now. DH is in a meeting until one so I can't even call him to tell him what's been said. My jaw is aching from my face just being like this Shock for the last ten minutes! She's always been very precious about the dogs and didn't come to a Christmas Eve thing at our old flat because we didn't have space for the dogs and all the presents were out under the tree etc. But I thought she would be a bit more reasonable about leaving them for a few hours to see DS.

Does anyone have any advice please?!

OP posts:
MetalMidget · 14/03/2016 11:54

In a way I can understand her not wanting to leave her dogs at the weekend if they're alone a lot during the week - my husband and I will often take turns staying in/taking the dog out at the weekend if the other needs to be out of the house for several hours. I can totally understand that she sees her dogs as an important part of her family. I'm absolutely devoted to my dog, and truth be told, give more of a shit about him than I do about other people's kids!

But it is unreasonable to assume that everyone else will see her dogs the same way, and definitely unreasonable to take dogs to a kids' party. There could be kids there that are allergic to dogs, or scared of dogs, or are little tormenting shits around dogs. The dogs may react very differently to a hoard of squealing cake-fuelled children than it would in normal situation, especially if they've been raised to be top of the pack in a child-free household. The dogs may poop in the garden and a young child may step in it, or attempt to wear it as a hat. The possibilities are endless! It's not really fair on the dogs or the kids.

tabulahrasa · 14/03/2016 11:54

I know you've already put what your answer is, but, if it comes up again...

I'd point out that you assumed she knew the dogs weren't invited to a children's birthday party in the same way that you would know DS wouldn't be invited to something involving adults and alcohol that she might hold.

That way you avoid the whole - but they're dogs Hmm issue as obviously to her they're not.

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 11:55

She has quite a big car I'm not too sure of the breeds but they aren't big dogs. Only just thought about that. Starting to wonder if her initial text was her way of trying to let us know the dogs were coming without asking if they could come.Hmm

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 14/03/2016 11:56

I was feeling a bit sorry for her, until she suggested using a whistle to train a child. She is mental.

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 11:58

Haha yep the whistle train thing was a test of my patience! I walked in to another room and knocked back my glass of wine before pouring myself another!

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 14/03/2016 12:00

Is her surname Von Trapp?

Roussette · 14/03/2016 12:01

I have no sympathy with this woman. She leaves her two dogs for 12 hours a day five days in a row, yet is not prepared to leave them for a few hours for her brother and nephew. It's appalling to leave dogs that long so I would imagine she has huge guilt over this hence wanting to spend every waking moment with them on a weekend.

The only sensible thing about her last text to you OP was saying "I get to spend so little time with my dogs". Yes she does. I would like to think she has someone come in to walk them but something tells me possibly not.

I would be beyond exasperated and would want to fire off a text saying "you are happy to leave them all on their own 12 hours a day, day in day our but refuse to leave them for 3 hours for your nephew and brother? Fine. We know where we stand. Enjoy your time with your "boys" on Saturday." In reality I woud most likely ignore her last daft text.

suspiciousofgoldfish · 14/03/2016 12:08

I think your brief "shame we won't see you, maybe next time!" Reply is fine OP.

I'm always a bit Confused when people want to bring their dogs bloody everywhere (I personally think I party of 10 kids, under your supervision, is a terrible place to bring two random dogs), but you can't really reason with people who feel this way about their animals.

You can, however, take the piss out of them about it behind their back, which is what I like to do.

I find it astonishing that people think I going to care more about their dog than I am my child.

There a couple of points in your SILs message that are hilarious -

"I wouldn't ask you to get a sitter for DS if you wanted to visit"

Nope. That's because he's a PERSON and actually related to you.

"The dogs are like my babies"

Yeah, but they're NOT, are they. They don't even realise they are dogs.

I think dogs are awesome, just for the record.

I'm not even going to call her crazy dog lady, as it seems a few people don't like that. Even though she totally is.

Hope your DS enjoys his party OP.

notquitehuman · 14/03/2016 12:11

YANBU. She sounds more than a little irresponsible with her dogs. Leaving them alone for 12 hours a day is bad enough, but she wants to bring them to a big, noisy party? Some kids will no doubt get heavy handed with them, and the poor creatures will be frightened.

Anyway, you've said your piece now. She's not coming, so just enjoy your day.

CrazyMary · 14/03/2016 12:15

Yanbu. I think your sil is using it as an excuse to avoid coming to the party, for whatever reason. Some people treat their dogs as children. Let them be, it may bring them comfort. It's her loss if she is putting her dogs before people.

Notso · 14/03/2016 12:16

I would just arrange to do something with her that is dog friendly on another occasion. She has made her choice but it's not worth falling out about. Life is too short.

BarbarianMum · 14/03/2016 12:17

The dogs are not left alone for 12 hours each day. At least read the OP's posts ffs. My dh leaves our dc alone 12 hours a day. It's not irresponsible because I'm around.

MartinaJ · 14/03/2016 12:17

I think you realize without us telling you that your SIL is nuts.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/03/2016 12:25

She's not nuts, she's barking!

HolaWeenie · 14/03/2016 12:26

My SIL is very similar over her dog, so I sympathise with you, she's completely blinkered, it's totally maddening to witness. She also leaves her dog all week long and so cuts all social engagements short to go back to him, Christmas Day included.

She does plan on having children and I figure one day she'll have a penny dropping moment.

Ohfourfoxache · 14/03/2016 12:26

Holy fuck Shock

I'm so sorry op, I know this is a really difficult situation for you, but from an outsiders POV I find it incredibly funny Grin

Sandbrook · 14/03/2016 12:28

She sounds utterly ridiculous.
It's a pretty common thing for some to say their dogs are their babies. Except they're not. Not at all.
I have a 1 cousin and 1 friend who I have told I will not visit anymore as they both have dangerous dogs who are treated like children and they refuse to put them outside when small children come to visit.

Selfish behaviour and slightly crazy imo

PestilentialCat · 14/03/2016 12:28

She is bonkers. The dogs won't know it's a weekend day FFS! it's definitely her not them

Grin
MrsJorahMormont · 14/03/2016 12:31

She's barking

You know YANBU. Short text, 'We're sorry you can't make the party. Hopefully see you soon.'

Roussette · 14/03/2016 12:35

I've just read her DP pops home at lunchtime - that's not so bad. but I do think dogs need some company at some point during a long day on their own.

Maybe it's a sore point with me, I knew someone who used to take his German Shepherd dog to work and leave him in the car for a full working day! One of my responsibilities was the company cars and I've never quite seen the inside of a car as this one!

MummaB123 · 14/03/2016 12:38

She sounds like a fruitlooop! Her babies or not, she should understand you don't want them at the birthday party.

amarmai · 14/03/2016 12:43

thanks for my morning laugh ,op-the whistle? Maybe she'll suggest a leash when he gets to the walking stage!

Scaredycat3000 · 14/03/2016 12:44

I think you're right OP, she's jealous that your DC is getting more attention than her dogs. I also think you're right in not engaging too much with this, hopefully one day she'll wake up and realise the error of her ways but until then nothing you say or do will help the situation.

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 12:46

Excellent, now MiL is getting involved. She has left DH a voicemail suggesting we have the party at their house instead so that the dogs can attend. Doesn't matter where we hold it, it's not a good idea to have dogs at a child's birthday party. I don't envy DH having to call her back and tell her no!

I think the reason SIL is so stubborn and unwilling to adapt is because MIL panders to her and doesn't just tell her she's in the wrong!

OP posts:
Firstlawofholes · 14/03/2016 12:48

No-one wants to cook their dogs.

You obviously missed the "microwave your dogs" thread, Cauliflower Grin

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