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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SIL and Dogs!

527 replies

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 11:17

NC for this. Not sure if this is more of a WWYD or possibly just a rant!

It's DS's birthday on Friday and we're having a little party in our house on Saturday. There will be about 20 adults and ten children from 1-8.

SIL doesn't have any children, quite often makes a point of saying she doesn't want any, but has two dogs. She text DH last night to see if we needed her to bring anything and DH asked if she could pick a cake up from Costco on the way to save us doing it on Friday. She replied saying that she wouldn't have room in the car for the cake with the dogs being in there.

DH replied asking why the dogs would be in the car and she replied saying that she wouldn't be able to leave them at home for the few hours she is out at the party.

DH ended up calling her up and telling her that the dogs wouldn't be able to come, she then went on to say how the weekend is her time with the dogs and she doesn't want to leave them. She also knows that we've recently had our garden done and so said it would be really nice for them to be able to play outside. He just repeated that the dogs weren't able to come as we are possibly getting a bouncy castle on the day(our friend owns one and can give it to us last minute) if the weather is ok. She accused him of making this up and that he should have made it clear the invite wasn't for the whole family before saying that if her dogs went welcome then she wouldn't be comings do then hung up. DH was just in shock and we couldn't think of anything else to say to her. If she wants to miss her nephews first birthday because she can't leave the dogs for four hours at the most despite leaving them from half seven to half seven every day at work then it's up to her.

She text me earlier to ask if DH had told me what she had said. I replied and said he had and that it was a shame for her to miss the party but the dogs can't come and we had assumed that she would have known that. She replied saying it was a shame that we didn't recognise that the dogs are part of her family. I said that I know she cares about her dogs but this is a child's party and we don't want them here for it. She has just replied with this text

"I feel like you don't realise how important they are to me. They are my family, my babies. I would never not invite DS to my house or say he wasn't welcome or suggest you leave him at home or with a sitter. I'm not going to come on Saturday. I haven't seen DSsince Christmas and was looking forward to it but it's unfair to ask me to give up time with the boys when I get to spend so little time with them as it is."

I am sat here just in disbelief. I don't even know what to say to her.

I know I'm not being unreasonable not inviting the dogs to my house. I just have no idea where to go with this now. DH is in a meeting until one so I can't even call him to tell him what's been said. My jaw is aching from my face just being like this Shock for the last ten minutes! She's always been very precious about the dogs and didn't come to a Christmas Eve thing at our old flat because we didn't have space for the dogs and all the presents were out under the tree etc. But I thought she would be a bit more reasonable about leaving them for a few hours to see DS.

Does anyone have any advice please?!

OP posts:
badg3r · 14/03/2016 14:08

She sounds loopy. Of course you can love an animal immeasurably but the practicalities of caring for a child and a dog are worlds apart. Some events just aren't suitable for everyone and as a "parent" she needs to make the sacrifice to stay home with the "kids". I have missed friends' weddings when DS was tiny because he needed me at home and children were not invited.

On the plus side, at least she stopped at the whistle comment and didn't suggest you let DS shit in the garden and eat from a bowl on the floor.

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 14:12

DH has just called. He had a chat with mil and told her under no circumstances would we change.

Bit of a backstory here. We moved house before Christmas, we lived in a small two bed house with a yard but now we have a big garden and a much bigger house. We were planning on moving in the summer but things moved much quicker than expected. Before we moved MIL had suggested we have the party at hers (we hadn't started planning anything for a march birthday in November but she has to know and plan everything in advance) and we did a cake smash thing and she would pay for a photographer to come. I didn't really like that idea so just said "We'll plan something nearer to the time, we've not had Christmas yet!" Nothing else was mentioned about it and I was very glad of this!

MiL has just said to DH that it would be easier to have the party there like we had originally planned. Dh had no idea what she meant and she went on to say about the party that she had planned with the cake and photographer and said that I was very keen on it. The photographer has been booked since December apparently and we would get nicer photographs in their garden.

DH just told her that we have planned our sons birthday party together and want to keep it the way we have planned. He also said that he was angry at her for taking SIL's side and now he feels like the day is causing more drama than it should. After everything that we've been through to get to our child's first birthday party he hoped that he could count on the family to be there. MiL said that she needs to treat him and SIL the same which is why she's standing up for her. DH just repeated that we're having it here, dogs aren't invited but SIL still is if she can make it. He has also had an apologetic text of SIL's boyfriend who has only just been made aware of what is going on saying that he assumed it was a dog free thing and he had no idea she was planning on bringing the dogs and sorry that it's all kicking off and the day is being over shadowed.

Why is there so much drama over a child's birthday party????? I don't want it to be ruined by SIL and I'm starting to wonder if this while no dogs allowed so have it here was planned so that the party can be controlled hosted by MIL!

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 14/03/2016 14:14

Your SIL has lost all perspective. Her remarks after your MC were hurtful, awful and lacking in any kind of human empathy.

Her demands about the party are just irresponsible. I have dogs which I love very much and they are dogs which are used to DCs but they are always put away during parties. Dogs and DCs should be supervised at all times and you cannot do that in the middle of a party.

NeedACleverNN · 14/03/2016 14:15

Go MrDilly

It's lovely to see a husband stick up for his wife against his mother and sister.

My husband is the same but they seem to be a rare breed on mn

RidersOnTheStorm · 14/03/2016 14:17

She needs to be told that they are only dogs not humans. And her DM should stop pandering to her nonsense.

AppleSetsSail · 14/03/2016 14:19

Bonkers. Sorry OP. You win the barking mad SIL award.

Cocolepew · 14/03/2016 14:19

Thank god your DH has got sense!

PhoenixReisling · 14/03/2016 14:20

Well done Mr Dilly

Please, don't back down because I guarantee there will be more emotional blackmail before your sons birthday.

Your MIL is backing his sister, because ultimately she wants to host the party.....hence why she had arranged a photographer etc.

Both need a wake up call.

ElementaryMyDear · 14/03/2016 14:21

On the other hand, if you're usually happy to have her over with the dogs and they are reasonably well behaved then I'm not sure, in her position, that I would have guessed that you didn't want them there - I'd have expected you to say so, especially if you know how attached she is to them.

Surely you would work out that you need to check first if the invitation is to a child's birthday party? It's not great to have dogs round a load of over-excited small children anyway, and you would have no means of knowing whether any of the children are allergic or have phobias of dogs.

Ohfourfoxache · 14/03/2016 14:21

Ho.Ly.Fuck Shock

She sounds like a cruel, insensitive, heartless bitch Shock

And as for MIL - Biscuit

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 14:21

Also, we have invited SIL to the new house on a few occasions and she has declined each one as she needs to check the garden is safe first. Although, I would rather she didn't bring the dogs to my house at all I understand that she won't leave them for just any old occasion. So I'm confused as to how on earth she has changed from wanting to risk assess the garden and house to just throw the dogs in with a load of hyperactive children and get on with it? Maybe there's something I'm missing?

DH is usually the one who is a bit more argumentative assertive with his family while I'm the polite wife who keeps quiet but on this I'm happy to get in to an argument if it means this is finally addressed. She can't go in behaving like this and expecting everyone to give in to her demands.

OP posts:
hedgehogsdontbite · 14/03/2016 14:25

I'd just go 'fuck it' and cancel the party and take him to the zoo instead, just you, DS and DH.

clam · 14/03/2016 14:30

Sorry, but this is hilarious! Grin

It's got some of the ingredients to make it to Classics, you know. Think the whistle training suggestion might have clinched it. That and the baby in the playpen and the dogs outside it with all the toys.

Marks place.

AnnaMarlowe · 14/03/2016 14:32

Just as an aside - do you want a cake smash?

clam · 14/03/2016 14:34

You may well find (if you hadn't got this situation in hand, which it sounds like you have) that some of the parents of the other kids might have an issue with 2 strange dogs bouncing around. I like dogs (OK, I mean I like my own dog), but I would never in a million years allow someone else's at my child's party. I'd even send my own away for the duration, and he's a sweetheart with kids.

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 14:34

Clam I'm just laughing about it now. Spoke to my brother earlier on Skype and he is coming to the party on my iPad as he lives abroad. He said he couldn't make it as he has to feed the cat when we'll be singing happy birthday Grin

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 14/03/2016 14:34

Although it is slightly bonkers IMO to have an all out party for a one year old. Save your energy - there will be years when "the party" is super important and the highlight of a child's life - planned for a year (at least is with my two primary aged DC). At 1 they don't have a clue as to whats going on make the most of it. Best first birthday celebration I heard was a couple who took their baby and a bottle of champagne to the park.

HumphreyCobblers · 14/03/2016 14:35

I can't get over her likening having a miscarriage to having difficulty finding the correct breeder. Or the comment about the 'only grandchild' immediately after being asked to be sensitive.

ElementaryMyDear · 14/03/2016 14:35

Is it correct that she's only had the dogs since Christmas? If so, this has blown up into a frightening degree of obsession in a very short time.

I must say, if my DD suddenly started telling me that a dog was my first grandchild, I would fall around laughing. If I believed she was serious, I really would be advising her to get psychiatric help.

SmallBee · 14/03/2016 14:36

For future visits I'd be very tempted to ensure your garden was as non dog friendly as possible. Lots of gaps in fences and that sort of thing.
But maybe I'm just petty.

Perhaps SIL can use the booked photographer and cake smash for her 'babies '?

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 14:37

Kerala we decided to have it at home so it wouldn't be an all out party. All we're planning on doing is having a few family members (maybe less now!) and some friends with their children round for some cake and a game or two of pass the parcel! It's just been turned in to a bit kerfuffle!

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 14/03/2016 14:38

So you have invited her prior to the party and she has declined as the house/garden needs to be risk assessed........Hmm

There is more to this than her dogs. It's like she has to be the centre of the universe...the person calling the shots.

IMO, If they continue with this BS (MIL/SIL), it would seriously sour any relationship I had with them.

Dilly in future, if she moves DS/suggests whistle training etc I would call her out on it and let it be known how batshit her ideas are.

DillyDingDillyDong · 14/03/2016 14:44

Grin SmallBee!

Elementary, she got the first dog three Christmases ago and then the other one came along about a month before I had DS. They both came along when I was pregnant though so there could possibly be something there. In fact it was the second dogs birthday in January but we weren't invited to his doggy party.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 14/03/2016 14:44

Has SIL thought of the health and safety angle? If there are 1 year olds they are likely to be on the floor and crawling about. The dogs could lick their faces or worse still harm them in some way. They don't know the children and they would just be in the way. It's ridiculous. Maybe parents wouldn't want their children to be exposed to strange dogs.

I think the real problem is that they are child substitutes and it's like you're saying SIL's children can't come to the party. There's no way you can deal with that. And your MIL needs to back off.

Hope the party goes well!

Strokethefurrywall · 14/03/2016 14:44

Your SIL sounds like great value for crazy.

I'm very glad your DH sounds like a decent bloke!

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